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InTheLight
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Posted: Thu Sep 21st, 2006 08:39 pm |
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Help!!! I am new to this forum (just posted on the introduction board) and I am in desperate need of help, guidance and direction.
I am a married woman & I struggle with sexual sin. I have had a lot of affairs (too many to count) and I fell deeply for one guy that I can not seem to get out of my head. I have been on & off with this guy for over 5 years. I know that it is wrong, I know that it is sin, but yet I cant seem to stop. I have cried out to God, begging for the strength to surrender my heart to Him. I have good days & bad days, strong moments & weak moments, but I always seems to go back to my old destructive ways. I talk to & meet up with guys, justifying it as trying to get over that one guy, but I do it for the fun of it, for the escapism of it, and simply because I just want to!
I havent found many resources for women who need purity. I cant talk to anyone about it because I am too afraid. I did talk to one guy at church, only because he has said that he's had adulterous affairs, so I figured he would understand. He seemed to want to help but then after a few conversations he backed away. I realize that accountability in this needs to be with a woman not a man, but he was the only one that I felt would truly understand because he's been there. It is an embarrassing, delicate topic to discuss. Drug and alcohol addiction is much more socially acceptable!My bestfriend knows a little bit about my problem, and she is trying to be supportive, although I know she doesnt understand it at all.
I am always the person that people go to for help. I am always sensible, full of compassion and understanding, good advice, good ideas, etc. Now that I need help I have no one to turn to.
I feel like I am at the breaking point. If I don't get help soon I fear that God will discipline me in a horrible way. What do I do??????????
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 06:18 am |
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InTheLight,
I hear the desperation in your voice and am glad you are seeking help for this addiction! There is help and there is hope! It's work, but it is so worth the effort...for so many reasons! First, I'd really like to see you find a counselor who specializes in this area.....I can't say enough about this. Second, there are support groups for women dealing with sexual addiction available, but as of now, the ones I'd recommend are over the phone and at a cost, but well worth it! I know a woman going through this right now and it's been really helpful for her! What do you think? If you'd like more info on the support groups, PM me and I will give you the number.
With care,
Captivated
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InTheLight
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 11:32 am |
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Dear Captivated,
Thank you so much for your reply.
While part of me desperately wants help, another part of me is wondering who my next fix could be. Could I really be addicted to sex? If I was addicted to it then wouldnt I want to have sex with ANYONE, including my husband?? I rarely ever have sex with him, and we haven't even kissed in what seems like years.
I need to get over this guy I had the affair with. I have tried just about every means of doing so. Hooking up with other guys seems to help for the moment. I feel special, and in control, and it is alot of fun. But then afterwards I am always left feeling so empty.
I had a dream about him last night, so that's been tormenting me all morning.
I did buy a book that I saw recommended on this site. Its called "Every Woman's Battle". I plan on starting on it this weekend, but I have to hide it so that no one sees me reading it.
I would seek counseling, but I dont know how I would pay for it. If it is over the phone then wouldn't I need to pay by credit card (evidence)?? If there are any support groups I dont think they would be in my area, and traveling a far distance can't really be explained.
Yes I know, I seem to have an excuse for everything. 
The woman that you know that is going through this - is she also married & having affairs & meeting up with other guys?? From all the posts that I have skimmed on this board I havent found anyone that mirrors my situation, and that just makes me feel even more horrible. As Paul says - I am the chief of sinners!!!!!
How much would the counseling cost? Do you think I should try talking to someone else at my church (it is a very small church). I am afraid of people judging me & possibly even telling my husband!!!!!!!
Again, thank you SO much for your reply.
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 01:09 pm |
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Good morning, InTheLight,
Yes, you have just defined addiction. You know it is controlling your life....your every thought almost...when you are going to get your next "fix" just like a drug....you want out, yet you have to go through the "pains" of withdrawal in your body, soul and spirit before you will FEEL in your flesh like agreeing with what you are realizing with your mind will be best for you. Can God take this desire you have to be free...to no longer be controlled by this love/sex addiction and turn it around so that you experience total joy and freedom in Him and in healthy relationship with others.....can He totally heal the wounds in your heart and provide all you need in every way in the process??? Absolutely!!!! The lie of Satan is that the counterfeit, quick fix will satisfy, but it never does....it only leaves us wanting for more and empty.....only HE can truly satisfy. Satan tells us it's not worth risking exposure to others when SOMETIMES doing so with the right person brings greater freedom (like a counselor)....I would not encourage you to share at church when so many do not understand sexual addiction or how to help people find the way out. Some churches do have support groups which are wonderful, but since you say your church is small, I'm assuming this is not the case.
Getting free of this is worth driving a distance.....it's worth taking out a new credit card account to pay in private....it's worth whatever you have to do. Do you want this badly enough to run hard after it with all you've got, is a question you'll have to ask yourself.....we all have to ask this whenever facing any vice we seek to "fill up with" but especially something which has had a such a grip on us like this addiction.
The woman I know of who is finding freedom has had some similar experiences...she is married...and has children. It's been really hard, but she would say it is worth it all! ...and God is healing her marriage as well.
Please know I say what I have with care for you...feel free to PM me if you wish or continue to dialog here. Prayed for you!
Captivated
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InTheLight
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 04:27 pm |
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Dear Captivated,
What you said about withdrawal certainly does make sense. Wow. I hadn't thought of it that way.
I am very torn between getting help and just doing what I selfishly want to do. But I know that I cannot continue to live my life this way. I wish I knew WHY I continually feel the need to do things with other guys, yet I have NO DESIRE AT ALL to do anything with my husband. Is that normal???
My church is very small, and if there were support groups there I am sure it would be for men only. I dont think too many women would admit that they have this kind of a problem. It is a shameful thing, and much more socially acceptable for men than women.
Like the woman that you know, I too have a child.
I don't know how honest I can be with a counselor, or anyone really. If I were to tell ALL to someone I cant imagine how they would react!!!
I DO want freedom. I guess I am just scared to be free. 
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 04:38 pm |
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I have more to say later, when I have more time, but I'm wondering what your relationship with your father was like? Also, about going to others for sex, but not to our husbands....I'm not an expert, but I'm guessing a part of this is that we don't have to step over all of the baggage with others that we do with our spouses so we are only in it for the sex and the adrenaline of the secrecy...or adventure of doing something like that and not getting caught.....or it being something new and "exciting"....BUT it still never satisfies...and leaves us looking for the next "hit" with someone else. I'm so glad you want to be free of this....it will mean peace and joy beyond belief to be free! ..and it's so worth the risk to share with an experienced counselor.....believe me, you are not alone here!
Back later,
Captivated
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InTheLight
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 04:53 pm |
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Captivated,
I am at work too so I have to write quickly, but you really hit the nail on the head there -- the adrenaline, the secrecy, the adventure -- all of that is what drives me! And looking for the next hit with someone else - that is EXACTLY what I do!!!
I have a decent relationship with my father. He is still alive but elderly. My mother passed away when I was 16 (in front of my father & I) and I dont think I have ever really dealt with and gotten over that trauma.
Are experienced counselors women who have also gone through the same thing?
I went to see Kay Arthur speak last year and she said something that I hoped would have changed my life forever, but of course I slipped back...
She said that she was an adulterer. And that she had gotten a phone call from a guy she used to see, and she asked how he had found her & told him that she could never talk to him again and hung up the phone. She said had she not done that that she wouldn't be standing there today.
I listened to that & thought WOW, God wanted me to hear that! A few days prior to that I had told the guy I was seeing that I couldn't have anymore contact with him.
Unfortunately that didn't last TOO long because when he called me again a few months later & caught me off guard I thought I was strong enough to handle talking to him & continuing a friendship with him. Needless to say it led to more & I was back where I started from, only worse, because he was hurting me & causing me to again look to others for sex & comfort.
I would like to find & read Kay Arthur's testimony because maybe something in it will help me. I often think that God is allowing me to go through this so that I can FULLY overcome it & help others. I am goaling for that, because if there are other struggling women like me then I really want to help them!!!!!!
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 07:05 pm |
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InTheLight,
By experienced counselors, I mean a counselor who has been trained to deal with sex addicts specifically. Often they have had something in their own history either as an addict or spouse of one which has given them the compassion and insight they need to "see into" your situation, address your heart wounds which need to be healed and walk the path with you as you connect with all of the resources and support system you need to overcome. If you'd like to PM me and tell me privately where you live, maybe I can be of help...if not, ask God and let's see how He provides. Maybe He is leading you to look into reading Kay Arthur's testimony...or to being a vessel of healing in the lives of others once you are healed. For now, please know it is worth facing this....EVEN risking other's knowing.....having to find a new church....WHATEVER it takes to get free! By His Spirit's power, it is possible! If you'd like the number of the ministry with the women's addict support groups, I can give that to you in a PM as well.....just click on my name and scroll down to private message.
Anyway, I'm believing that this time will be different for you....that you will stop trying to do this alone.....that you'll seek the help and healing you need, no matter what.....and that God will restore you to a wholeness and freedom you've never known in Jesus' name!
Stay in touch!
Captivated
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 07:30 pm |
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Hi InTheLight,
I'm so glad that you found us here, and pray that these forums will be of encouragement as you seek recovery.
You certainly do not need to answer any of these questions, and I hope that you do not find them harsh, but thought provoking.
Do you have any idea what might be impeding true intimacy in your marriage?
Do you believe that your husband truly has no idea that something is not quite right between the two of you?
If you are able to stop acting out behaviors without him finding out, do you believe that a deep relationship will develop with this "hidden" in the back of your mind?
I have encouraged several of the men on this site to approach their wives and attempt to enlist their support in recovery. You may believe that he does not know, and will not find out, but making the discovery for oneself increases one's sense of betrayal and mistrust, which will be a tremendous challenge even if you confess it, but greater still, in just my opinion, if he finds out on his own and has to confront you.
Perhaps you can seek direction from another church where you do not know anyone.
Praise God that your heart is still tender toward Him. I pray that He will lead you to the resources that you need. And don't forget to immerse yourself in the Word, especially when you are struggling most.
TruthSeeker
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InTheLight
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 07:59 pm |
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Captivated ~
Yes, I think only someone who has been through similar experiences as I have would be able to fully understand and help me. I would like a name of a counselor or support group but honestly I am scared. Scared of knowing just how much help I really do need. Scared of opening up completely to someone. Scared of not really wanting to stop this self destruction!
Thank you for believing that this time will be different for me! I believe that too. I have to believe it. I have never gone THIS FAR to get help. I have never admitted that I have a problem. I have never seeked the Lord so much!
I will PM you telling you where I live, but like I said I don't know if I can actually make that call to a counselor just yet. I WANT to but I am SCARED!
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InTheLight
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 08:02 pm |
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Truthseeker ~
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. These forums certainly are an encouragement thus far, and Im praying that by connecting with others like myself I will find the strength to get the help that I need.
To answer your questions...well....I got married really young. I feel like my husband and I havent really had true intimacy in years. He has gotten VERY heavy and VERY unattractive. EXTREMELY so. I have no desire for physical intimacy with him. And as far as emotionally, well, we don't connect at all in that way. We are two very different people. We have nothing in common, there is nothing to talk about. On those rare occasions that we do have conversations he always disagrees with whatever I have to say and speaks to me so condescendingly. This makes me not want to talk to him at all!
I did leave him once before, several years ago. I cheated on him & left him for the other guy. It was a MESS. My family practically disowned me. We separated for a couple of months, but he cried and begged and pleaded with me to get back together with him. So I did, but I wish I hadnt. I find myself jealous of single people because they have a CHANCE to be happy one day. I dont see myself EVER being happy in my marriage.
I don't know how much he knows. I think he may suspect something but maybe he doesn't want to question me for fear that I will just leave him again. I am ALWAYS on the computer, and I am always out running errands and coming home late at night, etc. and I NEVER want to have sex with him (it is NOT enjoyable at all due to his weight. I am COMPLETELY turned OFF to him). So, all of the signs are there. He may know. But he probably could never imagine the depths of it.
I don't think I could ever discuss this with him. He would never understand & never forgive me. How could he? How could I tell him that I have had TONS of affairs? How could I ever expect him to understand that?
Maybe I don't love him anymore. If I loved him then how could I do this to him? To myself? To our child? Maybe I am not truly saved? How can I know God's commandments yet choose to continually break them?
Sometimes I wish that I could just get a divorce and start out new. Maybe if I was in a loving, happy relationship then I wouldn't feel the need to do the things I do.
I know - I am blaming him instead of taking responsibility for my actions. I am the queen of justification.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Sep 22nd, 2006 09:11 pm |
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InTheLight, my heart aches with you. I am hearing so much pain and hopelessness in your posts. But we know the author of hope!
"When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. ... But the LORD has become my fortress, and my God the rock in whom I take refuge." Ps. 94:18-19-22
Does your H profess Christ? Do you go to church as a family? I do not understand the contradiction between begging you to return, but putting you down at every opportunity.
You need to heal from this addiction for yourself first, whether or not the two of you can rebuild a loving marriage. Have you ever discussed general marriage counselling, not related to the SA issue? I pray that God would change your hearts toward one another.
The apostle Paul struggled with doing what he shouldn't, and not doing what he should, as do we all. God does not rank a hierarchy of sin. It all separates us from him, be it one or a thousand, and is all cleansed by Jesus' blood on the cross. God's promise is that if we confess, He forgives and cleanses us from all unrighteousness. Please discern between conviction of the Holy Spirit, and condemnation of Satan.
I wish I had simple answers for you, but I know without doubt that the more you seek Jesus, the more peace you will experience.
Praying...
TruthSeeker
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InTheLight
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Posted: Sat Sep 23rd, 2006 04:11 am |
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Truthseeker ~
Yes, I do feel hopeless. I have been struggling with this for over TEN years now. I have been saved for close to 4 years, yet I still continue to sin. I know that God didn't save me to live a life of sin & be miserable. I guess I do need take refuge in Him.
My husband goes to church (at first he didn't, it took a long time for him to start going) but we are very separate. We go in separate cars, don't sit together in service, and rarely speak. I can't say if he really professes Christ or not. He was baptized last year but it was supposed to be a surprise, I guess to impress me & the other members of our church. Instead it just annoyed & confused me. I was just going to type that he doesn't ACT like a christian, but I guess one could say that I really don't either. I do seek the Lord though, and see many changes in me. I don't see anything different about him, but only God knows his heart.
We have discussed marriage counseling (but not recently), and were supposed to meet with my Pastor & his wife, but it never panned out. I don't think marriage counseling would help at this point because like Ive said before, I really don't know if I even WANT this marriage. Im not sure that I still love him. I know that love is a commandment, but that doesn't make it any easier.
I confess to God, but then I go and do it all over again. This happens all the time. I am an abuser of God's grace!!!!
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Praise6
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Posted: Sun Sep 24th, 2006 02:44 pm |
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InTheLight
This response is going to be harsh.
If you were a man and talking about and cheating on your "wife" you would have had much different responses.
You are NOT in the light right now. You are involved in tremendous sexual sin, which you know, and you are right, God will only tolerate so much.
Your husband knows. The spouse always knows. I too was very promiscuous in the beginning of my marriage. I was drinking heavily and I did horrible things. So be assured I am not pointing my finger here and being all lily white. I know and understand your situation. My husband knew and was deeply hurt.
Your posts definitely sound like you are not quite ready to truly seek recovery from this, but you MUST. The Holy Spirit is nudging you and that is why you have posted here. You have got to become accountable. Counseling would probably be a good first step. Telling your husband is a must. These both come with cost both financially and emotionally. With any addiction, that cost must be paid or there is no recovery.
You say your husband has grown heavy and unattractive. I have heard that so many times about wives from men who are involved with affairs and porn. Then the wife’s side that she feels so bad about the affairs and porn that she turns to food.
InTheLight you must enter the light. You have got to become accountable to God and to others. I will pray for you because I do know that feeling of secrecy with many issues.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Sep 25th, 2006 05:16 pm |
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As the old saying goes, success only comes before work in the dictionary. Similarly, recovery and easy are nowhere close to being synonyms.
You are correct that love is a choice, not a warm fuzzy feeling. I suggest the well-known passage in 1 Cor. 13:4-7 to review love as God intended it. It certainly sounds like it would be a good time to discuss marriage counselling again, providing that both of you are ready to be obedient to God's Word.
I think that the storry was posted here about a woman who wanted to leave her husband, but was advised by her pastor to do something kind for him each day and see him in six months. The pastor approached her after that interval and asked about her plans for divorce. She looked at him like he was crazy and asked, "Why would I want to do that? I love my husband, and he loves me.
Why do you suspect your H's motives for being baptized? What would happen if you sat down next to him in church? Do you think he would get up and move away from you? Is it not true that each of you has a lot of "for better or worse" to overcome?
Yes, it is possible for you not to see change, even if he has become a christian. I'm wondering, though, if he is maintaining his distance, fearing to be vulnerable with you.
He does not need all the gory details of your sin in order to consider whether or not he is prepared to support you in recovery. If you are not sure whether you are committed to the marriage, and he does choose to leave,you would not have lost something you wanted. If you try to recover on your own, almost never possible, then you have a marriage with a closet full of baggage that noone talks about. If he does support your recovery and marrige counselling, you could end up with a marriage as God intended, rich and beautiful. It is the last of these for which I am praying.
TruthSeeker
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captivated
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Posted: Mon Oct 9th, 2006 03:37 pm |
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InTheLight,
I've been wondering how you are doing and have prayed for you. So, how are you?
Captivated
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InTheLight
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Posted: Mon Oct 9th, 2006 03:50 pm |
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Thanks, Captivated! I appreciate your prayers!!! Ive actually been doing REALLY well. I bought that book "Every woman's battle" and Ive been reading it. Ive been listening to sermons daily and praying like crazy. Ive been staying away from all forms of temptation & its working! Praise God! He is SO good!
Honestly I havent posted because Praise6's post was harsh and kind of scared me away. I know it was my pride though, and I did need to hear it put like that. Thanks, Praise6!
Truthseeker, I wanted to tell you that your post helped me a lot. I decided to try that Pastor's advice and do something kind for my husband everyday. Its not easy but it sure is effective! Thanks so much!
You guys are very encouraging & supportive. May God bless you all!! 
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Oct 9th, 2006 06:39 pm |
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Hi InTheLight,
Thanks for the update. I rejoice with you for the progress you've made, and continue to pray for the road ahead.
TruthSeeker
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captivated
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Posted: Wed Oct 11th, 2006 02:08 pm |
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InTheLight,
Thanks so much for the update....and for your transparency with us. I'm really glad to hear how you're seeking His face...to cling to Him....to love your husband, etc.... Keep doing the things you are as you seek Him first! While I don't want to "beat a dead horse," most people who are successful in their recovery also go through some form of counseling and/or accountability group with others. So, I'd suggest again how much you'll also need people in your life, beyond what we can provide here, although we do care and will support and pray for you. Also, I always have to put a plug in for playing worship music.....often.....nothing like it to draw you into the throne room in prayer....assist in moving in our hearts to worship Him above any fleshly desires, etc.....
You're a blessing, InTheLight! Continuing to pray! 
Psalm 32:10, Prov 3:5,6
Captivated
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captivated
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Posted: Wed Oct 11th, 2006 02:08 pm |
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InTheLight,
Thanks so much for the update....and for your transparency with us. I'm really glad to hear how you're seeking His face...to cling to Him....to love your husband, etc.... Keep doing the things you are as you seek Him first! While I don't want to "beat a dead horse," most people who are successful in their recovery also go through some form of counseling and/or accountability group with others. So, I'd suggest again how much you'll also need people in your life, beyond what we can provide here, although we do care and will support and pray for you. Also, I always have to put a plug in for playing worship music.....often.....nothing like it to draw you into the throne room in prayer....assist in moving in our hearts to worship Him above any fleshly desires, etc.....
You're a blessing, InTheLight! Continuing to pray!
Psalm 32:10, Prov 3:5,6
Captivated
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