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Medicswife
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Posted: Mon Sep 4th, 2006 02:39 am |
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I'm not sure how common my SA story is. I thought I'd share it and see if anyone else can relate.
At the age of 5, I was raped by my oldest brother (13 at the time). It only happened once because I told my parents about it. I didn't remember it until I was 10. (I know I still had the memory of it, but it wasn't a conscious memory.)
When I was in junior high school, I was molested by my youth director's husband 2 or 3 times. When I told her about it, she confronted her husband. He, of course, denied doing it. About 10 years later, she came to me to apologize because she had found out he was molesting her youngest sister and had molested others as well.
From junior high on, I dealt with same-sex attraction and was involved with a girl when I was in high school. Our relationship was never more than kissing and heavy petting. My SSA has been pretty well defeated. With God's help, my counselor's help, and prayers by many friends, I have overcome that. Sometimes, I'll see a pretty woman and have some kind of SSA thought, but I'm able to tell Satan to bug off and it doesn't take over my thinking.
As a senior in high school, I was date raped twice within a matter of days by the same guy. He was an older friend that I thought of as a brother. It took many years for me to be able to admitt that what happened was rape.
Off and one since junior high I have dealt with thoughts of sexually abusing a younger child. I'm currently dealing with those same thoughts, only they are directed at my own children. I HAVE NEVER TOUCHED A CHILD INAPPROPRIATELY. My counselor is aware of this and we're starting the process of dealing with these thoughts and feelings.
To make matters worse, someone reported these thoughts to CPS (Children's Protective Services) a couple of Saturdays ago, so they are investigating it. Since I've not touch the kids and am doing things to not set myself up for a fall, we're all still home. I feel so betrayed and hurt. Someone I confided in has betrayed me.
It's been several years since I've looked at any porn (online or off). Again, I know it's been with God's help that I've not done so.
My husband is aware of what I'm dealing with and is being very supportive.
Has anyone else dealt with similar thoughts? Please tell me I'm not the only one.
Medicswife
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Dee
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Posted: Sat Nov 18th, 2006 01:02 am |
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Hello,
Thanks for sharing your story. I was molested around the age of 7. I have had really awful dreams and sick thoughts and I am always scared that something like you described can happen. We will never be above falling. There is a scripture that says that God gives us over to a depraved mind when we continue to disobey. That is why we need this web site. We need to stay watchful of our life and our bothers in Christ so that we will not be given over to a depraved mind----- where every thing goes. I wish you victory over this time of testing and know that God is right there with you and he will be your Strength.
I had a good friend in her late nineties tell me of her husband's sowing his royal oats and how she dealt with it and she gave me advice how to stay married during these season. What she does not know was the day before I found a lot of barely legal porn pictures on my computer. I told my husband I hated him and I was greatly concered about my daughter safety. I thought of him as a pervert. Because of this lady transparancy it saved my marriage. My husband is still dealing with lust, past abortion issues. I feel rejected and I crave sex with my husband but don't normaly get it so, now I struggle with the need for sex, to be desired.
Because of my relationship with God I have not commited any sexual sin but it continues to be a constant struggle to stay pure and to make sure I don't put my self in a place for things to happen. I cry a lot, God wants us to be brokem at times, so all the ugly stuff pores out. God Bless and lift your eyes up even now when many have betrayed you, God Will Not!!!
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sogbooking
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 03:02 pm |
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| I believe that many people deal with these thoughts. I also believe that allot of them come from sources apart from ourselves. Remember, Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. What happenned to you was just as much of a spiritual attack as it was physical. As a matter of fact, I believe these kinds of things are spiritual and they manifest physically. The bible says that sin is crouching at the door. It desires to have us, but we must MASTER it. The Bible also says that our bodies are instruments, and that every time we want to do good, sin is present. That's thestruggle you are going through. You may be PRONE to this certain sin because of what you've been through, but know this... You are under a fervent SPIRITUAL attack. Whispers in your ear, thoughts popping up in your head. Read the WORD concerning these things and CRY OUT to God continually so that you may be able to understand how to fight it off. and be prepared, because sin IS at the door, you just gotta keep that door shut. I have a special place for you in my heart because of what you're going through, and my wife and I are praying for you in your situation. The cycle of abuse must stop with you. Don't pass that monkey onto your kids backs or anyone else's backs. God bless in Jesus' mighty name.
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Thu May 3rd, 2007 01:01 pm |
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Anytime you weaken your "walls" - that's where the devil will attack. For example, while I was a "pretty good" sinner in my BC (before christ) days, I never robbed or stole from anyone. For this reason, the devil is not going to pop up to me and say, "Hey you know you want to rob that bank" because I would immediately recognize him and say, "As if".
HOWEVER, because I have been addicted to drugs, alcohol and sex - I am diligent to guard those parts of my "walls". It doesn't mean he doesn't come along and say, "wow, remember how good this or that was".
That's just where your wall is weak - it is not a judgment or character thing - it's where you have had weakness. If you had robbed banks, that would be what you'd think about because of his temptation. He's not stupid, the devil - he wants to tempt you so that it works, not that you will respond in laughter.
Recognize this for what it is and add some more stones to that area of your wall by getting in the word, checking yourself (asking God to show you your heart) and what not.
It happens - pick up your weapons and strengthen your wall.
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Wed Jun 6th, 2007 03:12 am |
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I think parts of your experience are very common. I too was molested and have had occasional thoughts about hurting others. I think with molestation at a young age and pornography, a spirit of lustfullness follows us and we learn to see people through lustful eyes. I still struggle with that myself. I too know I would never hurt a child. As another mentioned, it is a spiritual struggle-one we fight with God's word and prayer. God, in time, will give us new eyes and heal our minds.
In regards to your friends betrayal, think about how you felt as a child when someone denied hurting you and you were not protected. I think your friend was placing the child's interests first. That is a difficult situation to be in-to decide between hurting a friend and protecting a child. I think adults are better equipped to deal with false accusations than children are to deal with molestation. I think your friend was trying to do the right thing. I know it is painful for you because you know you did no wrong, but this is how the cycle has to stop-with the children being protected and the adults being honest. I hope nothing I said seems non-compassionate or hurtful, but I think in time you will find it easier to forgive them.
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I am praying for you.
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