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susidivah
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Posted: Fri Dec 23rd, 2005 04:54 pm |
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Hello everyone,
Let me start by saying praise God for this site and this forum... I have been looking everywhere for a site with a women's forum but haven't had much luck... well let me tell you a little about me, and try to keep it SHORT lol...
My name is Susan and I am a very grateful Christian. I am also a sex addict, have been for years and just recently have come around to seriously facing it. If you were to look at definitions of the problem in SA and other 12 step programs I fit it pretty well. If you were to look at the description of a female sex addict within Celebrate Recovery I fit it almost perfectly with one exception. I was not sexually nor physically abused as a child. I come from a "good" Christian home, my parents loved me and provided for me, including introducing me to my best friend today, Jesus Christ. However, there are a lot of questions now of emotional detachment and repression, in other words my family did not talk about feelings a lot, and did not express themselves in a healthy manner at times. Perfectionism was my middle name and the harder I tried to not rock the boat the more my self esteem took a nose dive. Although I was active in school and church growing up I isolated a lot outside of these activities. I discovered the pleasure of masturbation at 12 as well as occasional pornographic magazines at friends' houses and my uncle's house. These occasional indulgences went on through high school and college as somehow I protected my virginity until 21. Then in my 20's and now 30's it all went downhill...
I am single, independent, graduate degreed professional, with talent in music. To look at me people would not know I have had multiple sex partners, including women, have been the object of affairs, engaged in phone and cyber sex, associated with people in the adult film industry, and been active in the swingers lifestyle. I have tried to gain sobriety and start recovery on a couple of occasions in the past but "fell" both times. It was not until two months ago when I was diagnosed with an STD did I take a little more notice. The STD (herpes) itself I can accept, for that can be contracted by anyone who has sex, but the knowledge that that consequence was a direct result of putting myself at a higher risk has been hard to accept. Since that discovery I have come a long way in seeking help. I am still at the very beginning with trying out two 12 step groups, and starting therapy. But I don't think I've ever felt this close to God in my life. I am so grateful for his grace and love and grateful He showed me I don't have to live this way, and that he doesn't WANT me to live this way!
Again I am go glad I found you and I hope if there are other women who stumble in here they may be convicted to post. Know I pray for you all the time and that someday the guilt and shame so many women have with this addiction can subside enough for more of us to come out and share.
God bless,
S
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captivated
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Posted: Mon Dec 26th, 2005 06:51 pm |
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I'll share more later, but wanted you to know, S, that I've been praying for you since yesterday!
With care,
captivated
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Praise6
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Posted: Tue Dec 27th, 2005 12:12 pm |
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Hi Susan
I am glad you are here. I too was headed in that direction a few times in my life.
Welcome
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captivated
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Posted: Wed Dec 28th, 2005 11:26 am |
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Hi again, Susan!
It sounds like you do have a pretty good handle on how some things in your past have affected your addiction. It also sounds like you are getting some really good support. Are you involved with a Celebrate Recovery group? I'm also encouraged to hear how God has been moving in your heart.....that you've been experiencing the freedom of His grace, mercy and love in Christ in ways which have been tangible and a blessing to you! Wonderful! Thank you for sharing!
I've also come close to going down the paths you have, though becoming a Christian as a teen is what saved me from the path I was headed down.......it was sort of my form of teenage rebellion although I did love Him and want to live for God as well! As an adult, having unknowingly married a man who's been affected by sexual addiction, I've struggled with masturbation in our marriage when he's not wanted to be with me sexually very often. Honestly, even though my thoughts have mainly been of my husband or of no one, I've found this to be an empty path to go down. NOTHING satisfies, brings joy, peace, or captivates my soul/heart like Him, even when things are going well with my husband. It sounds like you're experiencing this reality as well. If there is any way in which I can support you in your sobriety, I would like to. Have you found individuals where you are to connect and pray with?Praying with and for one another is such a blessing as the power of God comes in to do immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine to free and bless us! Have you ever read "Captivating" by John and Staci Elderidge? I think it may be tough for men to relate to this in some ways, but for women to realize how the God of the universe comes into our every day existence to enter in and "romance" us and to captivate us with His pure love and intimacy by the power of His Holy Spirit is radical.....and such a blessing to my heart.....to have Him fight for me/us so! This book may bless you as you continue to seek Him in your recovery process.
Know that you are prayed for!
Blessings in Jesus!
captivated
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susidivah
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Posted: Wed Dec 28th, 2005 10:27 pm |
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Hi guys,
It was good to hear from you, captivated and praise6, thanks for the support... captivated in answer to your question I've heard of the book but haven't had the chance to look at it. I am about halfway through Every Woman's Battle now but I just got three other books I ordered from Amazon. The one I really am anxious to read is No Stones from Marnie Ferree... I've read a lot of her articles and interviews as well as researched Bethesda Workshops in Nashville where she practices. (Ironically she has the same credentials as myself but is more specialized in addictions where I am more in mental health). Would love to go to one of their women's workshops but it is very expensive however I am going to pray upon reading the book and if God so leads me to contact them I may find a way. Right now I am having a really hard time finding "live" support in my addiction area. Yes, I am in Celebrate Recovery and it is great but I am in a mixed share group and it has been advised by my counselor to maybe look into secular SA or SLAA as well. I've been to two meetings with SA and so far no females, even though the guys have been very nice and supportive. I have faith that in time God will bring more support to me but I don't want to seem like I'm taking the other support for granted. I thank God everyday for every person who knows of my struggle, accepts it and is not judgemental towards me because of it.
I am excited about this site and pray for everyone here to continue the path and focus on Him and to not be afraid to lean on each other. Blessings to you all and thank you again for listening!
Susan
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captivated
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Posted: Thu Dec 29th, 2005 12:53 pm |
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Hey, Susan!
Wow, it sounds like you're plunging into your recovery full speed ahead! Wonderful! There are many here, including myself, who are glad to pray for you along your journey! Susan, you have so much going for you which I know will encourage other women who read this and are hesitant to post.....thank you for being courageous! Without meaning to, you are already helping others!
About the secular vs Christian groups, I don't know enough about them, but I would recommend you read a bit of Mike's testimony about his past experience with 12-step groups and how he realized he needed to have God's Spirit fill those voids deep within......that there is great merit to accountability and to behavioral modification as well, but finding others who you can also pray with and for has great power in the process....as God fills those voids and heals your wounds. From what you've shared, it sounds like you do recognize these things.....and 12 step programs have helped to free many.....I just wanted to direct you to Mike's testimony. Sorry, I don't know where on this site the info. about his experience with 12 step groups is, but I'm assuming it's in his testimony.
I will pray for you, sister, as you seek Him for direction....finances...and connection with others! This is it......your time of freedom.......more and more every day! Do not be discouraged as you feel bombarded by thoughts and temptations.....most seem to experience this, especially at first. Just keep pressing in.....Keep asking God to show you what to read, what to do in each step of the process....when you need to get out and go for a walk to remove yourself from idleness, isolation or temptation, etc.... Take His Word and read it aloud. This keeps you more focused on it, but it's also how Jesus dealt with temptation from the enemy and there are real spiritual forces out there (principalities) who want to bring us down and tarnish what God intended to bring Him great glory and us great blessing.....our femininity and sexuality......BUT God is greater, so I'd encourage you to read aloud things like, "All things are possible through Him who gives me strength".....that it's "not by might or by power (human), but by His Spirit" you can overcome......things about the promises you have through the blood of the Lamb.....and about the victory you're a part of as you can freely approach the Throne of Grace in Christ with confidence and are actually seated in the heavenlies with Christ....remind yourself (and the enemy) Who's daughter you are and that you are choosing to follow Him.....that daily you are becoming more and more like Him, and that this is not dependent on what you do, but that you deeply want to be His and on what Christ has already done! He is so wonderful and I can hear that you're experiencing His abundant provision for you as you continue to seek Him in this process. Sorry if I rambled.... Again, you're prayed and cared for!
Blessings to you in Jesus!
captivated
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addict
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Posted: Wed Mar 1st, 2006 09:42 pm |
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| Hi every one. It was by the grace of God i found this site. I'm so glad to know there are other just like me to help me with my adiction. I'll be sure to keep you all in my payers as you keep me in your prayers also
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captivated
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Posted: Thu Mar 2nd, 2006 01:27 pm |
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Glad God led you here! ...and you're right, you are not alone in this addiction....or in seeking Him for the power, blessing and freedom He gives to overcome! Do you have any local support yet?
captivated 
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addict
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Posted: Thu Mar 2nd, 2006 10:41 pm |
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| no not yet but i'm working on it
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captivated
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Posted: Thu Mar 2nd, 2006 11:04 pm |
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Great! Group support and counseling are so vital to your recovery! This site is great and people here do pray even when they don't say so, but people face to face or over the phone satisfy a role in our growth healing which this cannot.....they become the hands, feet and voice of Jesus to us, even...... Anyway, let us know what you come up with and if you need any help, feel free to PM me and I'll see what I can do to help connect you! 
With care,
captivated
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curlygirl
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Posted: Fri Sep 1st, 2006 07:51 am |
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dear susidiva,
Your story is so incredible. I pray that by now you have made some pathways from where you were. The reason your story stood out to me personally is how scary the reality of all this is, with reasons as seemingly "simple" as yours. My problems too, seem simple but deep seated, and make me so grateful to be seeing all of this now. I earnestly pray for you, that you could really bring these issues to the light of the Father's grace. with earnest care, curlygirl
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