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Journey
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Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 01:35 pm |
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I am definitely in a valley right now. Last September I never thought I would be here in a few months. (see Praise for Healing) But the church situation has just gotten worse, no resolution there. And my husband is going thru a difficult time of his own in regards to his fears and issues. I lost my counselor whom I consider the most wonderful counselor in the world. I know those things don't make me choose wrong, but they set the stage wonderfully for me to relapse. In the last month I have bought pornography once (first time to actually pay for it) and once I looked at pictures online that I shouldn't have, and acted out with m several times.
I told my husband, which was very hard, but a good dose of reality for me. I am working the 12 steps in the Celebrate Recovery group that I am in. I have an e-mail accountability person that I met on this site, as well as a couple of other people. But yesterday when I was out running errands, I felt the strong pull to go looking for something, anything, just to get that familiar escape. And then I decided not to, because I didn't want to have to tell my husband and the other people who know, that I acted out again. And then I felt sad because I thought "nothing has changed in my heart, I'm still just as addicted, I just don't want the uncomfortableness of having to confess to other people." Is this a stage that will pass?
I don't feel God's presence right now in any sort of comforting way, I feel angry at Him. My faith is so weak, I do pray for God to increase my faith. I do not find any comfort in the thought of trusting God. What will He allow to happen next? I know that I have had times of resting in God's love and His sovereign will. This is not one of them. Do I have hope of better times ahead? I don't know, in Heaven for sure, but here on this earth? How can I be sure of what God will do here on earth?
I'm sure this sounds very negative. I am just being honest about where I'm at today.
Journey
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
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Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 07:16 pm |
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hi journey,
you are not alone. i have felt many times like giving in to the lusts of my heart but didn't just because i would have to tell someone. maybe we shouldn't focus on the motives behind our decision as much as the victory of making it past a weak moment. after all, a victory is still a victory.
i also identify with the anger at god. at the present time, i bounce back & forth with this myself.
praying for you,
sam
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Paulos
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Posted: Fri Mar 7th, 2008 05:20 pm |
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Journey,
Trusting God means, in practice, doing God's will in every situation I face, in the confidence that long-term happiness lies in doing that and certainly not in violating God's will. Trusting God doesn't mean I'll never have to face a tough situation, for he doesn't promise that. But he will be with me in whatever he allows me to experience, using even the worst things to bring about good in the end for my sake and for his glory.
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Journey
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Posted: Thu Mar 13th, 2008 12:45 pm |
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I am including something that WV wrote in Other Topics under the thread "Sin" because it spoke to me very much. I am struggling again today, with the emptiness, and wanting to fill it with something sexual. But knowing the vicious cycle that it is, I do want something better. But my mind is full of doubts. I have believed in the past that I was unique and special to God, and that He had a plan for me. Well, I said I believed it. But I'm not there right now.
Wilderness Voice wrote:
Journey:
I will say a prayer for you.
When I found myself in those dividing struggles early on, I began to realize the amount of doubt and unbelief at play in my mind. I could feel the unbelief pulling at me saying basically "this is all in your head, no one struggles like this normally - it's only because you believe that these acts are wrong - if you just realized there's no such thing as God, or laws, or rules - you wouldn't have all these feelings of guilt and being torn." --- Anyway - something to that effect - and truly, almost inaudible - or not really words, just feelings.
But of course, this is the voice of the enemy and of our fallen flesh nature (sometimes both at the same time - a double whammy!) But through this too, God began to show me how much unbelief and doubt played a part in my continual falling into sexual sin. It was right up there with vanity and ego and rebellion. Just like the voice of the serpent to Eve: "surely God did not mean . . . " And we begin to doubt God. Doubts and unbelief cause a huge war to open within us and make us so suceptible to the effects of vanity: the substitute love of self, instead of walking in God's love. And then lust: the culmination of the mental fantasy that proves we're desirable, irresistable, etc., etc., wanting others to envy us.
These root sins: doubt, unbelief, vanity, pride, and rebellion weaken us and lend us to fall into lust. Lust actually seeks to prove out the others and creates a pleasure response when sinning. This is the dangerous pleasure of unrighteouness. Dangerous because it tends to make us not want to hear the truth. The truth deprives the pleasure and the ego satisfaction and makes us feel vunerable and fearful. (Our nakedness is discovered).
But, be much encouraged - once we've gone through that process, then we can be clolthed in Light and the darkness is not there. The burdens begin to lift off your soul and wonderful Love and Light flood in to take the place of despair and defeat. It does take time. Even after ceasing to sin in the same way, many avenues of thought and emotion and entanglements of wrong ideas and wrong mental pictures of self are corrected by God's Wonderful Holy Spirit. But it really does take time.
I'm happy that a group like Celebrate Recovery is doing some (or all) of this. I know Pure Life Ministries does also. They actually have live-in programs. A lot of their people have multiple problems with infidelity, drugs, etc. But the testimonies are utterly tremendous as these people live entirely different lives than they used to. That's me - transformed by God's Grace. And there is always more - always closer steps to take - but as we take them and continue to emerge from the battles - the Love Light is so sweet. Our Heavenly Father is truly Wonderful.
In Christ,
Wilderness Voice
WV, something you said really got my attention: "This is the dangerous pleasure of unrighteouness. Dangerous because it tends to make us not want to hear the truth." I do think I am blinded and deceived right now, because I am not trusting God. It's terrible, I know, but I am judging Him to not be trustworthy. I am judging Him to be like certain people in my life that were not trustworthy. And there is alot of resentment in my heart toward these people. My mind knows I am wrong but I do not find myself at the point of true repentance. Please do pray for me.
Journey
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