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sam
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Posted: Fri Apr 4th, 2008 11:26 pm |
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thanks wv, that indeed was beautiful and you are absolutely right, it is only at the foot of the cross that i can find my freedom.
bless you too,
sam
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Sat Apr 5th, 2008 02:23 pm |
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Go back there every day. Maybe several times a day to the foot of the cross.
The Cross is a daily walk in this life. Jesus said:
Luke 9:23 And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.
Your when will happen while you're there.
WV
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sam
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 11:28 am |
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you are so right wv. i know it is where i should be instead of chasing foolishness. as i read your post, that beautiful song "at the foot of the cross" started going over & over in my mind. that is where my redemption was bought, so that is where my true freedom lies.
my h and i had a very wonderful conversation about my addiction yesterday. he said some things to me that of course i already "know" because just like a child at church can answer just about any question with that typical "god" answer, i have the biblical knowledge but lack the application to my heart. anyhow, after talking with him, i really felt a little different.
then we made love. it was so beautiful... i had the praise & worship station on (which seems a bit creepy to me for some reason) and when he initiated our encounter, it was so passionate that i didn't realize it was on. then in an after thought, i started to get up and turn it off, but we both looked at each other and determined that what we were doing was something god created and as long as it was between us, it was not inappropriate. so during the experience, i never took my eyes off my h nor did i commit adultery by going into a fantasy. i even cried a little because it was such a beautiful experience. afterwards, as i layed in his arms, i cried again and really felt stronger. it was such a relief to not drift away into another man's arms.
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love&hate
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Posted: Sun Apr 6th, 2008 08:51 pm |
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Hey Samantha
I was happy to hear that you had a good experience with your Husband. These moments of sanity are so wonderfull to addicts like us arent they? If only they would last forever! I personally believe that anything done in God's will is worship to Him including a marriage bed.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Apr 7th, 2008 02:46 am |
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Hi Sam,
I am so thankful for this glorious experience! May God bring it to mind through the Holy Spirit to combat the lies of the enemy. I firmly believe that if more couples truly grasped what it means to be one in body, mind, and spirit, with God at the center of that union, that the divorce rate would drop sharply. There simply isn't anything like it.
Rejoicing with you...
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Fri Apr 11th, 2008 12:51 am |
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well, pressure seems to be mounting again. i have not made a clean break from all that i have been doing lately as far as sexual sin is concerned. i know i need to do like a bandaide and just tear it off once and for all, but it is too hard. so many issues in my life right now. tension at work, the same at home... just really looking for something to satisfy my desires and fill my needs but am looking in the wrong place. my sin has created a gigantic rift in my relationship with god. i have been praying more and i do feel like i am coming closer to him again, but at times i just feel so lost and lonely.
i am also seeing that i am really struggling with way more than one addiction. sex is the foremost, but i am also addicted to the internet (no way to escape that because of my job), male approval, male attention, exercising, staying busy (if that can be one)... just so many things occupy my thoughts and dictate my actions. my brain longs for rest and relief.
i had improved some with the frequency of m'ing, but have now reached a point where i am compelled to act out multiple times a day... i do it, then immediately i start beating myself up for failing again. it's as if i have the desire to do things that are wrong just so i can hate myself for being a failure.
sam
Last edited on Fri Apr 11th, 2008 12:56 am by sam
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Apr 11th, 2008 12:55 pm |
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Hi Sam,
Still praying for you.
I don't know if you have seen this article, or whether or not it contains anything you have not read before, but if it is not of help to you, perhaps it will help someone else.
Help for Female Sex Addicts
TruthSeeker
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Journey
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Posted: Fri Apr 11th, 2008 03:22 pm |
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That is an excellent article! I had not taken time to look at anything on the pure intimacy site until you gave that link, truthseeker. Thanks!
So true of me, I am the "closet female sex addict riddled with shame and self-contempt [who] punish[ed] herself by seeking to meet sexual needs privately and compulsively instead of in an intimate relationship with her husband."
But God is changing things. Very slowly. I'll feel like I'll be 90 years old before I make significant progress.
Sam, I'm praying for you also!
Journey
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sam
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Posted: Sat Apr 12th, 2008 02:43 am |
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thanks so much you guys. i read through most of the article, but will have to finish it up another time. i appreciate you putting it on here, i had never read it before and it does seem to be beneficial to me.
went on a "date" with hubby today. had a great time. was a little uneasy at first because it was a long ride to where we went and i have been having a tough time lately with just relaxing. anyhow, we went to a book store while out and i came across a book by charles stanley (whom i really love) about landmines in christian's lives. i sat down with the book and read the chapter about struggling with the sin of immorality. he stated some things in the book that really touched me. first off he said that temptation with sexual sin is dif than any other temptation that we can face and that it is "all consuming"... oh boy, when i read that i just sat there and thought how right that is. i have been a christain for a long time and have faced many battles with the flesh and this war has been the hardest and most heart breaking of them all. then he went on to say that a typical thing that christains struggling with this sin often feel is a need to stay busy. that it is as if they have to constantly be doing something as if running away from some unseen phantom, but of course there is no phantom but it is the holy spirit pursuing us with the conviction of sin. well, this explains why i have been so task focused of late and preoccupied with always doing something. so, when we left, i talk to my sweetheart about the book and we had another good discussion about all of this.
i feel rather encouraged at the moment. hoping this feeling lasts.
sam
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Apr 12th, 2008 04:59 am |
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Hi Sam,
Finding that book sure sounds like a God incident to me. Praise the Lord!
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Wed Apr 16th, 2008 09:42 pm |
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not sure just how i feel at the moment. a good friend of mine STRONGLY encouraged me to stop some of the addictive sexual behavior i was participating in. i must say that it is very hard dealing with not doing it anymore. however, i know that what i was doing had to stop eventually and it is better to do it now than before i get myself into some real trouble. now, i just have to get through the withdrawals...
sam
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sam
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Posted: Sun Apr 27th, 2008 11:24 am |
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i had a massive meltdown last thursday. i did some V stupid things and then cried my head off. i had been alone at work all day and that just isn't the ideal situation for me at this time. too much temptation to act out.
my weekend is going pretty good tho. have had some quality time with my h and really feel like my compulsions are a little better now. i know it is a moment by moment thing with me and i can't fool myself into thinking that i will not fall anymore. i have to be wise and lean on god for strength. when i am frustrated and have the urge to act out, i need to go to him. he is the only one who can give me all i need and desire.
sam
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Journey
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Posted: Sun Apr 27th, 2008 11:01 pm |
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Thanks for sharing! Praying for you.
Journey
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sam
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Posted: Thu May 8th, 2008 12:23 am |
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i am still acting out and have no idea when i will finally be able to control my behavior. have to say i am so sick of even thinking about my addictions. i want to pretend they don't exist and that if i just ignore it, then it will just disappear and i can live a "normal" life again. to be quite honest, i feel V bitter about it all. if i had not been given the hand i have been by god, then would i still have these issues? doesn't he really care about me?
i have reached a point here.. how can i be saved? i really thought i had given my life to christ. i know and fully believe that he died on the cross for me... that he would have done it only for me even... i have asked him to be my lord and savior. i was changed... there was fruit in my life. i have served him with my whole heart. then this plague came into my world... this horrible stench that has forever changed me... how can i be a born again christian of i can't get past this sin? if i were truely saved, how can i just turn my back on god to do the things i do? i could understand it if i had no spouse to fulfill my sexual needs, but it is not my case. my h doesn't neglect me, he adores me... quite frankly i am mad! i am so angry i want to scream..
Last edited on Thu May 8th, 2008 01:15 am by sam
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Paulos
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Posted: Thu May 8th, 2008 06:20 pm |
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Sam,
There's a well known painting of Jesus hugging someone who is just arriving in heaven, that I wanted to send you via a link, but I can't get the link to work in this software framework.
There are two figures only, in an ethereal blue celestial setting. We see the pilgrim from behind, moving forward toward bright clouds in the background, which are in the shape of hands extended in welcome. Jesus has met the person, his face exposed to us as they hold one another in embrace, his eyes closed, and an expression partly of overwhelming joy, partly of deep pain on his brow.
You've probably seen it but it might minister more to you than words. I found it by doing a Google search for "Jesus, hug," then choosing Google Images with that search string in the box. There are several variations on the same theme by different artists. One of the largest and clearest images is from the website of "lafollettebaptist.org" (about which I have no knowledge). It comes up on Page 1 of Google Images.
Wish I were more tech-handy and could just shoot you the image itself.
Last edited on Thu May 8th, 2008 06:59 pm by Paulos
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sam
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Posted: Fri May 9th, 2008 11:26 am |
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hi paulos,
i was able to see the picture.. it was beautiful and moved me to tears... i saved it in my favorites. anyway, thank you so much for that.
sam
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sam
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Posted: Fri May 9th, 2008 07:54 pm |
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well, today i feel much different. i had a major change in my sexual addiction "secret life". a change that i can see clearly god's fingerprints on. i know that he loves me and wants what's best for me. i have no idea how i can swing so hard from being angry at god to being in love with him again. it is as if i am two completely different people.
my ap said that she sees a pattern in me of demanding god to change me and when he doesn't do it instantly, i throw a tantrum... have to say that i see that now myself. how can i be so childish? there are times when i don't want to break my addiction and i want it to be ok to continue in my sin and i get angry that the things i like to do are wrong. however, i know that is just my fight with the flesh. the spirit tries to bring me back to where i need to be but my flesh wants to continue on. this is the hardest spiritual battle i have ever faced. so, today, i am still mad.... but not at god, at the desire to sin that resides in me.
god, please give me the desire to follow you with my whole heart. clean my heart as only you can and forgive me for all the times that i have failed you.
sam
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat May 10th, 2008 03:03 am |
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| Rejoicing with you, and praying still as well.
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sam
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Posted: Mon May 12th, 2008 11:55 pm |
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oh my gosh... huge, major step today! i have been struggling very much with online affairs with strangers. would target guys who live far away so there would be no temptation to actually meet them in real life. anyway, have been trying to find the courage to delete the accounts that i had been using to do this on, but have been hesitant to because it held such validation (i felt) as to my desirabilty to the opposite sex. it provided me with the proof i so desperately desired showing that men still found me attractive... enough said there, anyway, deleted the entire thing... old emails, pics, everything! have been feeling a bit anxious about the deletion, but empowered at the same time. V confusing really... but it is a victory that i am so thankful for. please keep on praying for me to continue to desire a close relationship with god and to not fall back into the habit i developed. also, i have not m'd since saturday! i know it is only 2 days ago, but believe me it is another major victory as i am used to doing it multiple times a day...
may god bless you all!
sam
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue May 13th, 2008 12:04 am |
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Hi Sam,
I am rejoicing with you, praising God, and am very proud of you. I can only imagine the fortitude it took to take those steps.
Victory is still victory, no matter how small it might seem to someone else, and I pray that God will strengthen you to withstand attacks from the enemy, which so often follow on the heels of victory.
TruthSeeker
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