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sam
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Posted: Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 11:27 am |
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thank you.
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sam
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Posted: Sat Mar 1st, 2008 12:32 am |
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still struggling a lot. really want to be right in my relationship with god, but can't seem to get there.
sam
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sam
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Posted: Sat Mar 1st, 2008 05:14 pm |
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i have finally confessed. i'm not sure what i am feeling now.
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Paulos
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Posted: Mon Mar 3rd, 2008 10:47 pm |
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Sam,
When you confess sin to God and he extends his forgiving grace, the relationship to him is cleared up even if your feelings remain muddled. Naturally one wonders how one will handle temptation next time it presents itself, as it will predictably do. Do you pray for God to give you a delight in chastity, like his? Do you pray even on days when you are relatively untroubled? "Little by little and by patient endurance you will overcome ... We need especially to be on our guard at the very onset of temptation, for then the Enemy may be more easily overcome, if he is not allowed to enter the gates of the mind: he must be repulsed at the threshold, as soon as he knocks. Thus the poet Ovid writes, 'Resist at the beginning; the remedy may come too late.'" (<Thomas a Kempis, The Imitation of Christ, chap. 13).
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sam
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Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 12:37 pm |
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hi paulos,
yes, i pray even when not troubled. but honestly, i have been so deep in sin lately and in full blown rebellion to god that i have not been praying as i should. which of course only makes me more weak and susceptible to failure. after this big confession to god and my h, slowly i am coming out of the darkness. i am still very tempted to do my new fascination, but i am really trying to let god help me be strong and resist. alone, i just can't do it. i have to let him transform me. some days i am stronger than others, but am determined to not give up.
you know, i really have to say that i don't deserve any of the blessings i have in life. my sin has deeply wounded my h and i know that. i knew it would before i ever gave in to the temptation in the first place. honestly, if it were him that did what i did, i would have a hard time trusting him again. but god in his great mercy, gave me a man who loves me no matter what and treats me the same as before this happened.... even though i am unworthy, i am very thankful.
please keep on praying for my family and also for me to no longer desire things that are disguised as harmless fun but really poison my mind & soul.
sam
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Paulos
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Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 02:10 pm |
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Sam,
There is no one better positioned to walk with you than your h, and it sounds like he's a brick. Is there a way you can enlist his support when a tempting thought is still tiny, still in its inchoate stage--rather than having to confess to him after a crashing fall?
Chastity is one of the "hard" virtues, one that requires a toughness toward oneself. Jesus' graphic language of plucking out an eye, cutting off a hand (Matthew 5:29-30) makes that point. A large part of our task is getting to where we're no longer pliable and subject to the whims of destructive pleasures. We can't get there without being strict and even severe with ourselves.
Last edited on Fri Mar 7th, 2008 04:58 pm by Paulos
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sam
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Posted: Thu Mar 6th, 2008 03:44 pm |
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he is working with me through this temptation and i am so thankful for his support. he has offered some suggestions that seem to help. together, i know we will get through it.
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sam
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Posted: Fri Mar 7th, 2008 04:47 pm |
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lots of stress & tension this week. many failures. never giving up though. has to get better one day.
sam
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sam
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Posted: Mon Mar 17th, 2008 11:05 pm |
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too many failures to count. tired of even trying anymore. really begged god to clean my heart and make me desire living a life pleasing to him. i felt strong... i felt like i would make it... FAILED!!!! AGAIN!!! so tired of failing. really angry and hurt. i'm giving up, i just can't take anymore. i purposely took my addiction to a higher level thinking it would not be as appealing as i thought... that i would try it and see it was no big deal & walk away...WRONG!!! the most addictive thing i have ever done. why did i go there??? why did i do it??? will regret it for the rest of my life because it is all i desire now. even mad at god for not sheltering me from trying it... how can i feel this way? i did it to myself. he has given me free will, so why do i blame him? there is no logic behind my feelings nor my attitude. i wonder if i will ever get the relationship that i had with him back. i know it is all up to me, he hasn't moved but do i want to go back to him is the question.
sorry for my rant here. but this is the way i feel.
sam
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Mar 18th, 2008 12:07 am |
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I'm praying, Sam. Don't know what else to say. You know what you need to do, that God loves you, and that your husband loves and supports you.
Hugs,
TruthSeeker
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love&hate
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Posted: Mon Mar 24th, 2008 06:15 am |
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Hello Samantha.
I also suffer however i am a single guy and i have not been dragged into this mess like you were at a young age so it is somewhat different. Personally i think you rock. You sound like a great woman and your husband is lucky to have you. Whenever you think your sin is so disgusting and you hate yourself so much for giving in... well just remember that God could not look upon the most spiritual person in this forum, Billy Graham, Rick Warren or any other "notable" Christian for that matter without Jesus.
Any sin no matter what it is seperates a person from God and it is only because of his Son's sacrifice that God can look upon any of us. So whether there is a child molester, rapist, murderer, Stalin, Hitler etc or "just" a lier, person who swears, person who takes pride in himself it is all sin and God cannot even "look" at that person without the blood of Jesus covering it.
I most likely have done much worse than you and i have less excuse than you do. I know very much (maybe exactly) how you feel when you give in and that wall goes up between you and God. It gets harder and harder to come to repentance doesn't it? Living your life split between being in love with your fantasies/images and being in love with God sucks big time. You can't do both at the sametime and sometimes if feels like the evil self just keeps taking more controll of your life.
The reality is now matter how much you keep fantasizing and or acting out on your fantasies you can't stop God from loving you. You will increase the consquences of your sin, that is true but Jesus does not change his opinion of you. I firmly believe if Jesus had to die and you were the only person in the world living he still would have gone through all his pain for you. Yup you are worth it.
Part of the consequences of our sowing our seeds of lust is this "unquenchable" desire (vicious cycle eh?). Please contine to try and love and worship God. Also have you considered a 12 step SA program? It could be a usefull tool to help break the chain.
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Chemcial_turk
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Posted: Mon Mar 24th, 2008 06:27 pm |
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Sam,
I haven't read every post word-for-word so forgive me if someone has suggested this but have you sought medical advice? It sounds to me that you might have something physically and medically wrong with you.
I would consider this option greatly.
What you discribed sounds medical not faith or sin or lack there of.
Take it easy. Talk with your doctor or Gyno. They can help.
Cheers
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sam
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Posted: Tue Mar 25th, 2008 10:25 pm |
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hello,
thank you so much for your comments. i really appreciate it. am still not doing well at the moment and quite honestly, i couldn't help but get a little emotional reading your post love&hate. you will never know how much i appreciate it as well as all of you who have given me words of encouragement and lifted me up in prayers. i am just at a point now where i have never been and i don't know how i can get back to the place i need to be. god is the only one who can change my heart and i am just not letting him.
i don't think i really have a true medical problem except for maybe my drive being so strong, but my problem is that i really like doing the sin i am tempted with. one part of me wants to give it up, but another wants to keep on doing it. one minute, i feel strong and like i can stand up to it then there i go... doing the very thing i hate. just like paul.
bless you all,
sam
Last edited on Tue Mar 25th, 2008 10:53 pm by sam
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Paulos
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Posted: Thu Mar 27th, 2008 04:47 pm |
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Sam,
Having tried a new sort of experience it's no longer a question of "getting back." It's a matter of seeking God for a deep and lasting repentance from where we've got to now.
God isn't looking for a chance to rap our knuckles for our senseless experiments. He desperately wants us to be happy and it's crystal clear to him, in a way it sometimes isn't to us, that our happiness can only be complete in him, not in our own devices. And so he persistently, ardently, calls us to hear his voice alone and to shut out the deceptive voices that beckon us away.
Sexual temptations aren't deceptive in the sense that they promise pleasures they don't deliver. They are deceptive in the sense that they use quite genuine, even exquisite pleasures up front to lure and lull us into a state of bondage that is gradually life-destroying. "The lips of a loose [man] drip honey, and [his] speech is smoother than oil; but in the end [he] is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword" (Proverbs 5:3-4).
Being philosophical, there's always another experience to try. You've never tried this particular one before, and for the time being you find it obsessively gripping. But so was it with m.; so was it with s.s.a.; so was it with premarital relations; so was it with this or that class of porn. Every one has paled with time. So every one of the potential avenues we have yet to taste will also lead to disappointment and regret if we pursue them long enough. One has to learn in simple self-interest to avoid the tentacles that keep reaching out to drag us into the vortex, and to sorrow over one's own inebriation with the carrots that prove so ephemeral.
God is gentler with his erring children than we are with ourselves. The devil is our legal adversary, our accuser who flings our failings in our face and tries to convince us God has become our enemy (Revelation 12:10). God, for his part, wants to instill wisdom in us "without reproaching" us for our heedlessness (James 1:5). He waits for us to come to the realization, sooner or later, that the time we've spent has been "sufficient for doing what the Gentiles like to do, living in licentiousness, passions," etc. (1 Peter 4:3), and to commit ourselves to live "no longer by human passions but by the will of God" (v. 2).
Your own experience is now long and varied enough to warrant the truth of these things.
Last edited on Thu Mar 27th, 2008 06:43 pm by Paulos
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sam
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Posted: Sat Mar 29th, 2008 11:27 am |
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thanks paulos,
you are right again. i know there will always be a "new exciting thing" i have not tried and if i give in to it, it will be the greater "high" that i seek. it is quite obvious to me that i truly have an addiction. it is not as simple as being hooked on climaxing. once i gave into the temptation to try my new vice, it completely consumed my every thought. it became so desirable to me that i could not see that it was hurting the man i love, my relationship with god, and ultimately myself. honestly tho, i have not broken completely free of the bondage it currently has on me.
a great friend of mine sent me an email saying that if you are on the edge, make a movement towards god. if you cannot even muster a step towards him... do anything, even if it as simple as taking a glance at him. so i am trying. i am trying to pray again (had changed to only praying for others then the prayers completely stopped) which is very difficult still, i turned the christian radio back on in my office. that is all i have been able to do so far, but maybe god will reach down and lift me up out of this mess i have gotten myself into.
thanks for the encouragement. please keep on praying for me. this is one of the hardest things i have ever had to deal with in my relationship with god.
sam
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love&hate
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Posted: Sun Mar 30th, 2008 12:40 am |
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Hello Samantha
Once again i will ask you about a support group. I could re read the thread and look but i don't recall what you have done in this area and if this is a possibility for you. For example i recently joined a 12 step sex addict group. There is no magic but it is helpful, partly because you are face to face with people that can truly understand your situation like no one else can.
I think ideally it would be nice to be in a group of just women, but a mixed group may work as well. Are you in a big enough city where this may be an option?
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sam
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Posted: Sun Mar 30th, 2008 01:26 am |
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hi love&,
no, unfortunately i do not live in a city large enough for a 12 step group. the closest support group i can find on the internet is too far away. i do feel like i might could take that big step now into a group but it is just impossible at the moment. i have even looked into starting a group in my area but have had no success yet.
btw, thanks again for trying to help me in this tough time. i really do appreciate your kind words from the earlier post.
bless you,
sam
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sam
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Posted: Sun Mar 30th, 2008 10:29 pm |
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i seem to be feeling a little more "open" to god today. i heard a sermon and the subject seemed to be exactly what i needed to hear. god's hand was def behind my hearing this sermon, because it was a place and time i typically would not have been where i heard it. it is just so hard to trust right now. right this minute, i want to be free from the sin i am tempted with, but tomorrow when comfronted head on, will i stand? i have been at this point too much lately. i'm afraid to fall and afraid not to try. so tired of fighting this. i know the key is focusing on god. he is the only one who can change my heart.
sam
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sam
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Posted: Fri Apr 4th, 2008 08:14 pm |
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i'm still slipping and falling, but still wanting to hold on. it is as if i have a split personality or something. i have two warring sides of myself. one that desires god's best and one that desires lies. i really wish god would just whisper in my ear when i can expect to be free. date and time please god.... is that too much to ask?
sam
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Fri Apr 4th, 2008 10:33 pm |
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I cannot tell you the time - but I can tell you the place. And I whisper it to you with these words:
The foot of the Cross.
There is a terrible war in us all until one portion is dead and the other the Victor. The cross is where that takes place for everyone. Jesus showed us the Way, it is the Way of the Cross.
Be at rest in your mind for awhile and go look at Jesus on The Cross. My wife and I are not Catholic, but we went to a Catholic Bookstore and bought us a Crucifix, and place it prominently in our house. We wanted something to see and remind us daily of the price He paid and what was expected of us.
We also will sometimes visit a cathedral or shrine where they have the Way of the Cross or Stations of the Cross artfully depicting the various places along the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem - the path our Lord took from Pilate to Calvary. There is one online that also has the prayers of St. Francis of Assissi associated with each picture. It is a wonderful contemplation of the Sacrifice of Jesus and rememeber, when we behold Him, we are transformed. May God Bless you.
WV
http://www.communityofhopeinc.org/wayofthecross/St.%20Francis%20of%20Assisi%20Stations.html
(Scroll down the side bar; I love the thoughts and the "O . . . Jesus . . ." prayers, they make me cry when I read them.)
Last edited on Fri Apr 4th, 2008 10:40 pm by Wilderness Voice
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