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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Jan 12th, 2008 03:32 pm |
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Hi Sam,
Having not read the article, and hardly knowing you at all, anything I say here is complete speculation. I also have not revisited your posts.
I seem to recall, however, that you had some very difficult experiences as a young person. Perhaps it is some vestige of those experiences that has left a deeply buried uncertainty about God's love. (If God loves me, why did those things happen to me?)
Alternatively, knowing that we are loved, and truely believing that we are deserving of that love, especially when there has been an ongoing struggle with the same sin, may be two quite different things.
I pray that the Holy Spirit will reveal anything on this matter that will further your healing and walk with the Lord.
TruthSeeker
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junkyardboy
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Posted: Sat Jan 12th, 2008 06:11 pm |
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"believing that we are deserving of that love,"
hello all,
not knowing the full circumstance of your tears sam, makes it difficult to completely comment.
were your tears ones of repentance or tears of joy being in the Lord's glorious presence? both i believe are biblical and may at times be one and the same.
truthseeker, i suppose i may have missed something in the above quote.
could you please share the scriptural basis for the above.
thanks,
peter
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http://www.apprising.org/archives/2006/11/dr_john_macarth.html
http://www.valleybible.net/position_papers.php
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sam
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Posted: Sat Jan 12th, 2008 07:19 pm |
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thank you both for your responses. i guess the only way to describe how i felt during the experience was like falling down and hurting yourself very badly as a child and having your mom or dad pick you up and kiss away all the pain. not really repentance and not really joy either. a very complex emotional experience. i'm not even completely sure how i am describing it now accurately conveys just how i felt at that moment.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Jan 12th, 2008 11:31 pm |
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Hi Sam,
It sounds, actually, like a very healing, affirming experience, as though it brought assurance which you had not even realized was absent.
Peter, I frankly feel like you are splitting hairs, but I will seek to elaborate and be more precise with my choice of words.
Yes, "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." We had not even been born yet, so Christ's work on the cross had nothing to do with us, but everything to do with God's love, grace, and mercy. Should, however, we place our faith in that redeeming, justifying work of Christ, we are then crucified with Christ, (Gal. 2:20,) He lives in us through the Holy Spirit, and our original sin nature is white as snow. Is. 1:18. Rom. 4:5-8. Rom. 8:1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Rom. 8:33. :Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth."
Yes, confession and sins are ongoing, as described in 1 John 1, but the righteousness which bridges the chasm between the believer and God, Christ's righteousness, covers us.
So perhaps I should have phrased it this way:
"Alternatively, knowing, intellectually, that we are loved, and truely believing, emotionally, that we are, viewed by God through Christ's righteousness, deserving of that love, especially when there has been an ongoing struggle with
the same sin, may be two quite different things."
There is often a very fine line between the conviction of the Holy Spirit for a believer's sin, and Satan's condemnation which seeks to undermine the believer's confidence in his very salvation.
As Sam has expressed herself as a believer, and I am in absolutely no position to question it, I addressed her as a believer.
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Sun Jan 13th, 2008 03:19 am |
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i was just awakened by a dream that i feel compelled to share. as i have said before, my uncle sexually abused me as a teenager. there was a series of unfortunate circumstances that led to my having to live with his family for about a year. this uncle had a medical condition that actually made his mental capacity almost child-like about things. for the most part, he was like a normal person and you wouldn't know that he had anything wrong with him and he was such a sweet person that you would have never thought that he would be capable of doing what he did to me. i know that even though he abused me, that he loved me and i don't think that he really comprehended that his actions hurt and affected me for the rest of my life. the good news about this uncle is that before his death, he was supposed to have given his life to the lord. he never attempted to make things right with me, such as apologize or anything though, he acted as if nothing ever happened.
now to the dream. i was with him in a room and i was sad. he wanted to know why and i told him that it was because of what he did to me. i figured that he was going to deny that it even happened but he looked over at his wife and said "yes, it's true. i made her have sex with me" and then he proceeded to give her details about it. there was no real remorse in his admission either. then i woke up.
i don't think i have ever dreamed about him or the abuse before. if i have, i didn't remember upon awakening. i know there must be a tie between the emotional experience i had yesterday and this dream. sorry to have posted so much in the last 24 hours, but i would really like your input about this.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Jan 13th, 2008 08:41 am |
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Hi Sam,
Again, just a shot in the dark, but it sounds like God is taking your healing to deeper and deeper levels. Some things which you might have glossed over, thinking it was so far in the past that surely you had healed from it, but hadn't, He is now lancing and cleaning out the infection.
The other thing that ran through my mind as you described the dream, is that you said, "i know that even though he abused me, that he loved
me". Perhaps you have, on a deep level, feared that even though you know God loves you, that He, too, might hurt you, and that what you were reading about His love yesterday relieved you of that unfounded fear, and fully assured you of the pureness of God's love, healing the fear you didn't even realize hid within you.
Again, this is complete speculation, so test it with the Spirit in prayer, and feel free to tell me I need to reign in my imagination. :-)
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Sun Jan 13th, 2008 06:27 pm |
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no truthseeker, i really am thankful for your observations. sometimes when you are going through something, it is hard to fully comprehend the situation and i was hoping that i would have some opinions about what could be going on with me.
i do think that you might be right to a certain extent. i have struggled for many years with forgiving the two people who hurt me. it was especially hard to deal with the abuse from a family member because there was so much love for this person before it happened. if it weren't for the fact of him having something wrong with him, i'm sure it would have been a lot harder to have forgiven him. i would tell myself over and over that if he was in his right mind, he would have never done it. so the question i am asking now is, did i just make an excuse for his actions and think i had really forgiven him when i had not?
i have also been thinking about if i trust that god really loves me. i do know that he does. i mean for goodness sake, he sent christ to die for me. if there had not been another soul in the world to redeem but me, he would have still done it. but yes, i have thought many times how he could have let me suffer so much...
i really have to say that at the moment, i am very confused with how i feel about everything. i am not sure if the emotional experience i had was helpful or not... i'm still praying and trying to figure it all out. thanks again for your prayers and helpful suggestions.
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sam
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Posted: Tue Jan 15th, 2008 02:20 pm |
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| i am beginning to notice a pattern in my behavior. the times i have been tempted the most over the last few days happen when i am feeling frustrated or upset for any reason. i guess when i am having a negative emotion, i desire to get a release in the form of sexual satisfaction. maybe this realization is a breakthrough that can help me be stronger during my times of weakness.
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Journey
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Posted: Fri Jan 18th, 2008 07:59 am |
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Hi, Sam
I haven't been on for a while but I just read through this post and I identify with so many of your thoughts, feelings, and reactions, although my circumstances are different.
I recently took our oldest daughter to college, the same place where I attended 25 years ago. A Christian college. As we toured the building, I had flashbacks of a painful relationship I was in when I attended there. It felt like emotional bombs hitting me as we came upon the different spots in the building that triggered memories. This is scary and unsettling, and it is beyond me to see God in it. But something my counselor has told me that has helped alot is this:
Trust the process.
By that meaning trust the process of "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." It doesn't say "He who began a good work in you will explain it step by step and you will get to have a lot of control in the process."  I never realized how much I want to be in control. It is hard to give control over to God, especially when I think I keep "messing things up" by sinning again and again. We can't ruin God's work when all is said and done.
I don't know if that's helpful or not, but I thought of that while reading what you've posted lately. I've got to go later but want to come back and give an update about myself soon.
Love and prayers,
Journey
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sam
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Posted: Fri Jan 18th, 2008 11:01 am |
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hi journey,
yes that was very helpful. i have a lot of control issues. i have a somewhat powerful position at work and i find that it feds my control desire. most of the control issues do stem from my being victimized. i don't like the feeling of being helpless and at someone's mercy. it is hard to let god lead me. i always want to do what i think is best and i forget, it's not about me... it's all about him and i shouldn't try to usurp my position as his servant.
i am still struggling with my issues. truthseeker, i woke my h up one night and it did help me. i wanted to stop the urge but when he awakened, i do admit that i really very much wanted him to decide to take care of the problem and have sex with me. i didn't ask for him to though. i just tried to wait until the lust left and it did eventually. then, the very next night, i gave in without fighting it. i didn't even try to avoid the temptation. of course i felt rotten after. i haven't told my h. usually i do but somehow now i feel very guilty and i just want to pretend it didn't happen. i don't like giving in.
sam
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sam
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 10:06 am |
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i don't know what the problem is with me. i want to do what is pleasing to god, but i am finding failure after failure. i have found it so difficult to not be intimate for the time stretches that my husband is comfortable with. why can't our drives match??? he is happy with once, maybe twice a week and i am having so much difficulty with that.
i have given in to m many times of late. i haven't given in to lust for others nor thinking about past experiences with porn while doing it, but i am still sinning. i am so tired of this problem.
without getting into too much detail about myself, i do have something that i am thinking about. i have a female problem that does require surgery and i have a family history of uterine cancer. these two things might make it possible for me to have a hysterectomy. i am really considering asking the specialist about it when i see him again in a couple of months. on one hand, i am only 35 and not ready to go through menopause, but on the other hand, i have heard many times that it can decrease your sex drive. this may be a way out for me and my sexual sin. any advice and prayers you can offer me would be greatly appreciated with this matter.
sam
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Journey
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 12:14 pm |
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My personal opinion is that while surgery may take care of some of the physical drive, it won't take care of any heart issues.
I can identify somewhat with your feeling of your drive being stronger than your husband. I have agonized over this, although the discrepancy between me and my husband is not probably as striking as yours.
Praying for you also today,
Journey
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sam
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 12:17 pm |
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| well, i did it again. i wasn't looking for dirty pics, but when it popped up, i didn't try to get away. it makes me wonder if i really want to stop... i think i should be stronger now. moving forward, not backwards.
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sam
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 12:18 pm |
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| thanks journey.
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Journey
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 12:23 pm |
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Just a reminder, God is always, at every minute, the Father who rejoices when you come to Him, just like the prodigal. Do you ever let yourself bask in the awesomeness of His love and grace for you when you come to Him and confess? This is something I am learning.
Journey
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sam
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Posted: Tue Jan 22nd, 2008 06:12 pm |
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yesterday was a very bad day for me. i wasn't feeling good and i allowed myself to fall back into an old habit. one top of that, i feel guilty for not being satisfied with the frequency of lovemaking in my marriage. usually, i am an overall upbeat person, but i became slightly depressed. very seldom do i feel blue. anyway, today is much brighter. i'm left struggling with guilt and shame associated with m'ing. so very tired of the problem i have with this. only god can help me and i need him so. i know he's there, but i just can't feel him now.
sam
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Journey
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Posted: Tue Jan 22nd, 2008 08:41 pm |
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I understand that, I can't feel God right now either.
Journey
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junkyardboy
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Posted: Tue Jan 22nd, 2008 10:16 pm |
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Journey wrote: Just a reminder, God is always, at every minute, the Father who rejoices when you come to Him, just like the prodigal. Do you ever let yourself bask in the awesomeness of His love and grace for you when you come to Him and confess? This is something I am learning.
Journey
dear beloved of the Lord,
this is indeed a very difficult concept to impliment in our daily lives.
because of the pressure of everyday i many times may find myself, frustrated, anxious or even fearful or how many other sins.
the most intense feeling i get when i sin is loneliness.
but we are blessed to know that our presence before the throne is because of God's faithfulness and not our feelings.
as we confess our complete inability to please Him, we can again behold His life changing glory.
in knowing that our Redeemer lives,
peter
Last edited on Thu Jan 24th, 2008 02:35 pm by junkyardboy
____________________
have we been abandoned by God?
http://www.apprising.org/archives/2006/11/dr_john_macarth.html
http://www.valleybible.net/position_papers.php
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sam
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Posted: Tue Jan 22nd, 2008 11:24 pm |
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thanks peter,
i know that our feelings can't be relied on and our emotions can be deceiving. i rest in the head knowledge that no matter what, god is still there and he loves me with a passion beyond belief, even if i am having difficulty feeling his loving arms around me.
i am still praying for you journey.
sam
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Paulos
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Posted: Thu Jan 24th, 2008 02:16 pm |
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Sam,
I would advise strongly against a hysterectomy unless there's very clear medical reason that makes it unavoidable. My wife has been a midwife in Britain, and she feels hysterectomies are vastly overused in the USA anyhow.
A strong sex drive isn't a curse, it's a sign of life and vitality. Learn to thank God for this gift, even if it's a challenge to manage from day to day.
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