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sam
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Posted: Tue Dec 18th, 2007 04:56 pm |
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i have had many temptations the last few days. i haven't m though. i keep slipping into that playground of my mind. i find it so difficult to keep images of the past out. i have also had dreams that i can't control. as i have said before, i find it a bit puzzling because i love my h and he satisfies me. if i were neglected, it would make more sense.
i spent more time in god's word over the weekend and it has helped greatly. however, i do find it difficult to talk to god lately. when i go to pray, all i can think of is how i fail time and again. i know god loves me no matter what, but knowing it and feeling it in my heart are two different things. i know our hearts can be unreliable. i muddle through prayer anyway. i really want god to remove these evil desires from me. i guess i want a quick fix for my problem and for whatever reason, god is allowing me to go through these temptations. just like gold being purified when it comes out of the fire.
Last edited on Tue Dec 18th, 2007 08:45 pm by sam
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Paulos
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Posted: Thu Dec 20th, 2007 04:44 pm |
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Sam,
Even one day free of m. brings a smile on Jesus' face and a "Well done!" from his lips. Our long-term goal, however, is not just to grit our way through one day at a time but also to reach that place of peace where wrong desires cease to trouble us.
At times when preoccupation with my besetting sin threatens to dominate my prayers I've found help in using prayers written by others as the vehicles for the devotion of my own heart. The Lord's Prayer, the book of Psalms in the Bible, liturgical resources like a Catholic missal or the Episcopal Book of Common Prayer, published collections of prayers, a good hymnal--all furnish excellent material to refresh a languishing prayer habit. Such prayers get my attention off myself and onto God and his wider purposes for the world.
The frequency and persistence of these obsessive thoughts of yours, that keep presenting themselves against your will and in spite of the better judgment of your conscience, makes me wonder whether more may be going on under the surface than just an attempt to contain a healthy sex drive. Looking through your former posts, I note that use of sex to try to win favor from a bully, sexual abuse at a formative age, and a flight into same-sex attraction, have all been factors in the deeper past. When Diane asked whether you've ever had counselling you said you haven't felt the need. But might it not be worth considering? A skilled clinical psychologist can guide one in bringing to consciousness memories, attitudes, and assumptions of which one is scarcely aware, can help one make connections among far-flung fragments of experience, and can stand beside one in the frightful task of confronting areas of one's psyche that one might be disinclined to look at on one's own. Many compulsions are driven by sub-conscious fears or shames. In other words, while the symptom of which one is aware is sexual, the taproot of the problem may be non-sexual in origin even though it manifests itself now as an unwelcome knot in the area of adult sexuality.
If you'd rather test the waters before running to a paid professional, an excellent self-help book is Edna B. Foa and Reid Wilson, Stop Obsessing! How to Overcome Your Obsessions and Compulsions (New York: Bantam, 1991). This book isn't written from a specifically Christian point of view but its wisdom is sound. I'm sure it doesn't contain any magic key but it might cast some light on aspects of your suffering.
Last edited on Thu Dec 20th, 2007 08:55 pm by Paulos
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sam
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Posted: Thu Dec 20th, 2007 05:57 pm |
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| thanks paulos. i do feel that my problems are a result of the sufferings of my past. at times, i think that i am free of the pain that i experienced only to find myself weeping from a memory brought to mind. i did read a book by a lady who had a similar situation. it was very eye opening. i have recently moved and have not come across it again but when i do, i want to read it again. i will see about getting this book you suggest. i do have a bit of an issue with speaking to a person face to face about all of the stuff i have shared on this site. there is so much shame in my heart that i don't think i could bring the words out to another person. it's only because i am anonymous here that i can actually share what is going on inside me. after the abuse i suffered, i was a very scared person and felt venerable. i absolutely hated that feeling. venerability is something that i cannot ever bear again.
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Paulos
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Posted: Fri Dec 21st, 2007 01:04 am |
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Sam,
I keenly appreciate the safety we all find in anonymity here, and how large a step it is even to bring forth hints of one's past in a context like this one. Two thoughts:
(1) God knows it all. He was there in each situation, he saw every tiniest detail (Psalm 139), yet he remains committed to our reclamation. When we confess to him, we're informing him of nothing he doesn't already know and want to help us with. The woman of Samaria exclaimed about Jesus, "He told me all that I ever did" (John 4:39)--and her sexual past was tainted (verses 17-18). To meditate on that truth might help to reopen the floodgates of prayer.
(2) Maybe what we shrink from in confiding our story to another person is the possibility that the other might instinctively find the facts about ourselves repulsive even if s/he means to be non-judgmental. But a psychotherapist or clinical psychologist will have heard other people's stories similar to one's own, will not be shocked therefore, and may be able to offer insight based on general behavioral patterns. The profession has strict standards of confidentiality.
You're wise to be chary to whom you entrust your tale: in your case, probably not to ordinary friends, family, or even a pastor (whose training in counseling is usually limited). But the recurrent unwelcome thoughts you complain of may indicate that you aren't yet settled within yourself, that you haven't come fully to terms with long-standing insecurities and vulnerabilities. In addition to God and hub, a carefully selected professional might direct and facilitate the healing process. Just something to think about for the future.
Last edited on Fri Dec 21st, 2007 05:08 am by Paulos
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Dec 21st, 2007 05:17 am |
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Hi Sam,
I don't know if you have come across a list of resources I put together for hurting women in the resources forum, but you might find helpful material there as well.
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Fri Dec 21st, 2007 02:54 pm |
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oh my goodness! my h and i finally made love with no sin on my part. no thoughts... no memories... no bad stuff at all. it was so wonderful. i feel as though i am floating in the clouds. i hope this is the beginning of something great. 
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Paulos
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Posted: Fri Dec 21st, 2007 04:54 pm |
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Sam,
God is happy in himself, and wants us to be happy too. Glad you've had a taste of his goodness.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Dec 22nd, 2007 04:57 am |
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Hi Sam,
Cool! I share in your joy.
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Thu Dec 27th, 2007 02:58 pm |
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hi everyone,
i'm happy to say that i have been doing pretty good this past week. i have had temptations though, but i haven't given in to them. the porn desire seems to be gone, thank god. now if the temptations to fantasize and m would go away, i'll be right as rain again. thank you all for your prayers.
sam
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sam
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Posted: Sat Dec 29th, 2007 01:44 am |
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well, i had quite a mountian top experience earlier today. god revealed an attitude that had to be addressed in my life. he showed me that if i kept heading down the path i was on that it would only lead to destruction. he had been telling me for a while but i chose to ignore it, i thought i could deal with it under my own power, but it only got worse. i admit that the steps to giving this attitude up have proven to be a lot more painful than expected. i trust that since he allowed me to have this issue, that he will equip me to deal with it in a manner that will glorify him.
Last edited on Sat Dec 29th, 2007 11:46 am by sam
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sam
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Posted: Sun Dec 30th, 2007 11:54 am |
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i gave in to the temptation to m last night. my h has been having a tough time at work recently and we haven't been able to be intimate. it's no excuse for my behavior though. i am completely guilty. it's absolutely no one's fault but my own. i simply must control myself. what really makes no sense is that i felt like i have been much closer to god lately. you would think that if you are closer to him, you would be able to stand up to temptations better. i am thankful that no matter how horrible i am, he loves me anyway. today is a new day and i am going to put it behind me.
sam
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sam
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Posted: Thu Jan 3rd, 2008 02:17 pm |
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last night, i was very tempted to look at porn. i haven't had that desire for a while now. i didn't give in though. i'm not sure why it crept into my thoughts. maybe if i could figure out what triggered it, i would be able to avoid even being tempted by it anymore. i also wanted to m and thankfully didn't give in to that either. i will be so happy when i don't have these struggles anymore.
sam
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sam
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Posted: Sun Jan 6th, 2008 10:53 am |
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there have been several temptations that have come my way recently. some i may have entertained in my mind a bit too much. in the end, i did what was right. i have to keep pushing forward to my goal of sexual freedom. i know one day, i will be free and i am looking forward to that day with all my heart.
God will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death, sadness, crying, or pain because all the old ways are gone. Revelations 21:4 ncv
i love that part - "all the old ways are gone."
Last edited on Mon Jan 7th, 2008 06:39 pm by sam
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sam
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Posted: Wed Jan 9th, 2008 06:59 pm |
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... pressure seems to be mounting. i feel kinda weak at the moment. i am having such a hard time focusing on god... i thought maybe being on here could help get my mind off of it. i don't want to fall again.
extremely tired of sounding like a broken record. when will this leave?
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Paulos
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Posted: Wed Jan 9th, 2008 11:20 pm |
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Sam,
If we try to push the desire out of consciousness altogether we very likely will not succeed. Freud called that repression. When we repress, the thing we're trying to deny gets the best of us and finds unconscious channels to pop out in ways we don't want.
Have you ever tried acknowledging to yourself in all honesty that the desire is there, that this stems from one's personal history and is part of onself in one's present, imperfect state of sanctification, yet is wrongly directed and so is not to be acted upon? Daily life then becomes a matter of devoting oneself to worthy pursuits in the fresh power of God's Spirit while being semi-aware of an undercurrent from the past that reminds one it's a fallen self that God is in the process of redeeming. It takes courage to say, "Yes, that's what I want all right, but it's not good, so I'm going to tolerate it unfulfilled and get on with better things."
Many alcoholics, I believe, work hard on accepting that they will always be alcoholics and will still have a daily tussle even after they've been dry by choice for decades.
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sam
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Posted: Thu Jan 10th, 2008 11:55 am |
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i'm doing much better today. i did have a very weak moment yesterday, but i didn't act on it. i think each time i resist, it gets a little easier.
thanks again for the help paulos. at the present time, i am extremely busy with a heavy workload and i don't have time to really dig into what you have suggested. when things are a little less hectic, i will consider your words of wisdom and properly respond to you. once again, i appreciate your reaching out to me in a time of need. i'm sure god will greatly bless you in your efforts.
sam
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sam
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Posted: Sat Jan 12th, 2008 07:10 am |
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this has been a very bad night. i started off strong and determined. then i was awakened by some strange sound. couldn't go back to sleep... tried to resist. failed. enough said. no porn though.
i am so disappointed in myself.
paulos, i just really thought about what you said in your earlier post. i think you are right about changing my mindset about the situation. i have been trying to ignore the impulse. pretend that it is just a temporary desire and that it will pass. i haven't treated it as something that is always there. it is easier to pretend that i don't have a problem with these issues. easier to accept it as a "weak period" that will pass quickly. maybe if i look at it as always being there, i can be better prepared for the fight. at this point, after failure, i can look back and see what i should have done instead of giving in. i have neglected time reading the bible lately. so instead of just laying there, trying to drift off again, i should have spent the time with god in prayer and reading his word. i was just asking for trouble i guess.
Last edited on Sat Jan 12th, 2008 07:29 am by sam
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Jan 12th, 2008 11:28 am |
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Hi Sam,
Many years ago, when our children were very small, my husband was working nights. I was so burned out from a long, hot summer, (we had no airco,) and trying to keep them quiet in a small house while he slept, that I almost left. We had a few sessions with a counsellor at that point, and she asked him a simple thing. She asked if it would be alright with him, if I was struggling and needed a brief break, to come in and wake him up to talk for a few minutes, get a hug, and be ready to take on the kids again.
So I was wondering if your H might agree that you could awaken him in such an instance, not for anything intimate, but for some human contact to try and derail the struggle.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Sat Jan 12th, 2008 11:49 am |
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wow, that is an amazing suggestion. i know he would rather i did that, than the other. i'm positive that he would let me and that might actually work. i will try it next time. thank you so much. sometimes i am known for not finding the forest for the trees. 
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sam
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Posted: Sat Jan 12th, 2008 03:55 pm |
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i have to say that i have been extremely upset at myself for this failure. i have been looking at several articles on the web about women and sexual addiction. i came across this particular site that had a bible study for accepting forgiveness from god, accepting love from god and so on. while reading through the different studies, i began to weap uncontrollably on the topic of accepting love from god. i have no idea why. i feel extremely loved by my family. i know my h loves me and would do anything in the world for me. he is very affectionate and attentive. i don't feel that i am at a lack for being loved in my life. i have no logical reason to have been so emotionally impacted the way i was from this article. i am left now rather puzzled. i have been a true christian for a very long time, i really believe that god loves me. i have a relationship with him, i don't just go through the motions. my faith is real. why would this have affected me like it did?
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