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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 274 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 19th, 2007 03:13 pm |
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i don't really know what to say... i have been struggling with my sex addiction and desires to look at porn.. i have been open to my h about all of my issues.. when i'm in my selfish lustful mode, i just look at females i guess because in my twisted mind, it is not something that my h should be jealous of since it's not other men, even though other men excite me... lately i noticed that he was weakening in his resistance to porn. i would ask if we could look and he used to say no. then a while back he said yes... we did and we both felt guilty.. over the weekend, i caught him looking at a show on tv with women in bikinis... he switched the channel when i walked in and i felt that was a little strange so i asked why... he said that he was flipping through and came upon this show and couldn't resist looking... i tried to hide it but, i got very jealous... i was angry and wanted to cry.. it makes no sense, i know lust is wrong period but i felt like it's one thing to watch something and get turned on with each other but for him to do it without me, i felt betrayed. again it makes no sense for me to feel that way, i have been guilty of the same thing myself even though it was never looking at the opposite sex. i hate this.. i'm filled with jealousy, pain, fear, and so many more emotions that i can't even describe. i hate this. i still want to cry. i might not have been so hurt if he had not tried to hide it from me.. now i'm scared that he might have done stuff that i don't know about... secrets... i haven't kept any secrets from him... i should have seen this coming. i have had jealousy issues in the past. as i said before, i used to never have a desire to look at porn. it was never a draw for me and when i started getting curious about it in the beginning, it was so out of character for me, i should have known that it was a means to put a wedge between me and my h.... i love him so much. i just can't take this. i feel sick...
i got a chance to look at stuff after he went to sleep. i did and m. it was hard to get aroused but i was compelled to do it. i still felt mad at him. still felt betrayed.. i looked at stuff and m.... am i crazy??? i was mad and hurt by him and i did worse.......... and i didn't tell him.. for the first time i didn't tell him. i'm at work and all i want to do is cry. got to get my mind off of it.
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 274 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 19th, 2007 06:35 pm |
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| i just had lunch with my h. he said that he could see the hurt in my eyes and asked if i were mad at him. i told him i wasn't mad, just scared because he had tried to hide something from me. he said he loved me and he was sorry for doing what he did. i feel so empty and stupid. why did this bother me so much? it wasn't like he looked at nudes, but if he could have at that moment, he would have... how can i feel this way when i am guilty of the same thing??? i think i am loosing grip with reality. i want to go home, curl up in the bed and have a good cry. can't seem to focus on god, work or anything but myself right now.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 846 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 19th, 2007 07:37 pm |
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Hi Sam,
I am praying that you will allow God's forgiveness to wash over you, that you will again marvel at the wonder of His grace, and then be able to extend that forgiveness to your husband. Contemplating Is. 1:18, as winter is approaching, and some places already have had their first snow, can you imagine anything whiter or brighter than sunshine on fresh snow, yet God promises that our sins will be whiter still. Take heart! Your Savior loves you, and will continue to offer ways of escape.
TruthSeeker
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
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Posted: Tue Nov 20th, 2007 03:28 pm |
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| i had a great discussion with my h last night. he told me that he loved me so much and never wants to cause me pain. he said that he doesn't know why, but he just got curious when he stopped on that show, but that he regrets it. he said that when he did that and when we had looked at the porn together, he hated the way he felt afterwards. i was honest about how much it hurt me, and that i knew it was crazy to be so jealous but during sex to like looking at stuff together. he told me over and over how important i am to him and how he wants to live a godly life with no porn. i really believe that he meant it. i do have to admit something, after all of this, i don't want to see porn now. initially after he hurt me, i acted out in frustration and anger, but it was so different than when i did it before. it wasn't out of a desire for orgasms if that makes sense, i guess i wanted to hurt him back. today, i feel better. i feel like i connected on a deeper level with my partner. i hope this is the start of a new and beautiful chapter in my life...
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