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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 12th, 2007 01:54 pm |
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| boy. i thought i had this thing licked! i have done so well for so long, then last night, i allowed myself to think lustfull thoughts while being with my hubby. i don't know what got into me. we were doing fine, then whamo, there it was. i told myself that it was ok because i wasn't as deep into the fantasy as i used to get, but then i thought about how any fantasy was wrong and i shouldn't do it- no matter how deep i got into it. afterward, i felt guilty and horrible. i repented. thankfully the images i thought about were not as arousing as they had once been to me, but they still had a pull. when will this end? i kinda feel hollow now, if that makes sense. i need god to change me. maybe i'm not spending enough time in his word.
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sam
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Posted: Mon Nov 12th, 2007 08:27 pm |
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| i just heard something very encouraging on the radio. "nothing gets to you that hasn't gone past god's desk first". what happened last night was god revealing that i still have a problem and that i must lean on him completely. see, i thought that I had this thing beat and that I could handle any temptation that came to me. well, I was taking him out of the picture. trying to use my own strength and determination not to fail again. why do i have such a hard time getting this???
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Hello
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Posted: Tue Nov 13th, 2007 01:24 am |
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that same thing just happened to me on saturday when i was with my boyfriend at the movies, although i didn't view it as God reminding me to lean on him when i have a struggle more as i was being weak. Thanks for the blog i'll have to remind myself to lean on God next time : )
something that i have tried though whenever i do get a lustful thought is saying the Lord prayer(cuz its the only prayer i have memorized) to help me focus on other things, so if u haven't tried that yet it might help.
God Bless : )
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Journey
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| Joined: | Mon Jul 16th, 2007 |
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Posted: Tue Nov 13th, 2007 02:47 pm |
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Hi, sam, I read alot of your posts last night but I didn't get a chance to reply. So just wanted to quickly say hi, and welcome, and that I identify with a lot of what you experience as far as temptation goes. Especially this that you have shared regarding where my mind is tempted to go during sex with my husband. I have had the same experience during periods of time when things seem great and then WHAM comes the temptation and I give in to it but it happens so fast I'm not sure that I can even separate the temptation from my response yet.
I have many questions and no good answers on this particular issue right now. There are days when I wonder if I should quit having sex with my husband since it seems I am so selfish. Then other days I think, but this is where I am, and God's grace is sufficient, and the marriage bed is the one right place for sex, so isn't it a safe place for me to learn unselfishness? It seems that I am at somewhat the same place you described, God has let me see what I am when I rely on myself. I have been encouraged by my counselor not to see myself as a bad person or as a person who can't enjoy God's favor, but instead I am a sinner saved by grace, a child of God in whom He delights to call His own. To let God meet me where I am, let Him draw me with His goodness. God is a safe place to pour out our heart's desires, good and bad, and let Him sort them out. Trust Him to sort it out in His time. A book that I go back to over and over is Abba's Child by Brennan Manning.
I would encourage you to spend time in the Word, but as I understand it there is no formula, i.e., "if I spend x hours in the Word, then my sin will decrease by x amount". It is a relationship that God calls us to, a love relationship with Him, a relationship in which He satisfies more and more our deep heart needs for intimacy. A relationship in which His grace does not condemn when we fall, but His Spirit convicts us and brings us to repentance. I'm preaching to myself here! I am so guilty of trying to manufacture repentance on my own, of trying to grow FAST and NOW!
What would happen if we cried out to God with all our hearts for Him to break our hearts of selfishness and to fill our hearts with true conviction and repentance and desire for the true riches of His presence, to give us His pure and holy hatred of sin, of anything that separates us from Him? I confess that I have not prayed like this recently.
I must go, it's a pleasure to "meet" you through your posts and I look forward to hearing your thoughts and such in the future.
Journey
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
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Posted: Tue Nov 13th, 2007 03:37 pm |
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thanks for responding hello & journey. it is so great to have friends who know where i am coming from. your suggestions are great.
i feel stronger today. i told my husband that i had slipped into my fantasy world again when we made love the other night because he really needs to know where i'm at with this struggle. he was so understanding & forgiving. i have to think that if it were the opposite with us and he had this problem, would i be as understanding and supportive? right now, i really don't think i would have been. i would feel like he used me as a substitute lover. i really don't deserve him nor any other blessing that god has given me. i pray that god will continue changing my heart.
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Paulos
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Posted: Tue Nov 13th, 2007 03:43 pm |
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Sam,
Sexual memories fade slowly, and habits that have been driven underground have a way of popping back when we least expect them. I've learned the wisdom of never telling myself I have my habit licked. I may be more or less on top of it for a while, but it will probably be a factor in my background consciousness till I die, and I will only be able to rest completely when the eternal day dawns.
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sam
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Posted: Tue Nov 13th, 2007 03:56 pm |
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| i was hoping this would not be the case paulos, but deep down, i know it's true. it would be so much easier if it went away forever.
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sam
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Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2007 08:06 pm |
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| was really tempted earlier. i have to do most of my job online and out of nowhere, there was an image in an email that made me want to look. it wasn't nude but i wanted to seek some out after that. had to fight it.... then the thought that i would look for something tonight flashed in my mind.... must fight it.. i just can't let myself do it. i haven't spent enough time in the word lately... everything is so hectic trying to get ready for next week... a little anxiety about it.... a friend in the hospital, kid with bad grades, you name it.... i must make time for god's word to renew me. please pray for me.
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jjules
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Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2008 02:58 am |
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hi sam- i said a prayer for u just now. i have been thinking on the topic of thought life alot. i have a husband battling lust which he acted out over a long period of time, p & m and visiting prostitutes. i have been praying abt help controlling our own thoughts (his fantasy and lustful, and mine in the grief, looking back and self pity area) and on tv comes a female preacher saying 'you have to think abt what you are thinking abt'.
i realise that my mind will wander into memories of the 'past' this brings up the old 'how could you forgive him for what he has DONE to YOU!' routine. I have forgiven my husband, but its so easy to not catch the thoughts at their inception and refuse to accept them and then let them play out in your mind. my husband and i began reading her book ' the battlefield is in the mind'. i can relate with the stress of everyday life - being tired this morning (up with my newborn baby girl and my 3 yr old) i said to my husband that i had to get to the gym...as soon as that left my mouth i found myself saying what the enemy wants me to confess over our lives ... 'because if i dont take good care of myself you will be out sleeping wtih everyone but me...' i dont beleive that, im trusting God, but when you are tired and anxious its harder to keep control and focus over your mind and thoughts and fight them.
sounds like your husband is a blessing to you.
xx
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sam
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Posted: Thu Jan 17th, 2008 09:33 am |
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hi jjules,
thank you so much for the prayers you have said for me. i have also been in prayer for you and your family.
i know that it is hard to take thoughts captive at times, especially when you are so busy with little ones. don't beat yourself up too bad over the slip with your h, god uses everything in our lives for good and there was a reason why it happened. clearly you and your h desire to be close to god and do his will, i wish you both well on your journey of healing. i'm sure there will be battles that are won as well as lost, but never give up. god loves you!
yes, my h is a huge blessing in my life. i do forget that sometimes though. i tend to take him for granted and view him as a sexual object. he has always been very supportive and affectionate, never unkind. i am very thankful for him and all the many blessings in my life. god has been very good to me.
sam
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clean2day
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Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2008 07:03 am |
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why do i have such a hard time getting this???
The reason is that you, like all of us are human. the Bible calls it "the flesh". I believe it the devil trying to regain his control over us, like he tried with Job.
If you want to have some other reading that might explain this better than I I have a book you might find in the libary. "Confessions of St Augustine". After reading you might wonder how he became known as St.  But that is for someone else to explain.
C2d
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"When you need a victory, Jesus gives it.
When you need a friend, Jesus will be there.
When you need to talk, Jesus will listen.
And if you need to cry, Jesus will hold you close.
Rev E. O. Hilt 1908 - 1988
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