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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 236 |
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 06:12 pm |
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| hello, i'm a newbie and wanted to share my story. as a teen, i was molested by a family member. then at about 15, i was raped by a so called family friend who was my age. this person hated me and tried to make me feel like dirt. after the first encounter, i allowed him to have sex with me hoping that he would like me, but it didn't work. years before, i had experimented with my best friend and i started reliving that experience. this led to my same sex attraction. i eventually met the man of my dreams and became his wife. i had a lot of sexual baggage that i brought into my marriage but i was open about my experiences and my husband was very supportive. he didn't have a problem with my ssa, it actually was a turn on for him. through the years, i would talk about it during love making as a means of turning up the heat- so to speak. anyway, i have had a long road of recovery and i felt like i just about had it overcome. a few months ago, i started wanting to look at porn. it was something that i can truely say i have never had the desire for at all. it first started after seeing emails that had dirty pics on it. i would hurry up and delete them. then the next thing i knew, i would look at them. it was a slow progression and before i knew it, i started seeking the images out. i told my husband that i was having these feelings and he told me what i already knew, that god didn't want me to do it and neither did he. i just don't know what the pull is for me. one day i will be strong and the next, i slip. i always confess it to my hubby and he always points me in the right way, but one day, i told him that i wanted to see a movie with him. he floored me when he said ok. it was one of the most passionate experiences of my life. immediately we were both overwhelmed with guilt. we both vowed to never do it again. i was commited. then i slowly started slipping again. now, it has gone on so long that i don't feel the same remorse that i did at first. i mean, i still know that it is wrong, but i just want to see the stuff so bad at times that it consumes my every thought. my hubby and i decided that it would be good for me to join an accountability group but it is such a shameful thing i just couldn't bear to tell anyone face to face. when i first started struggling with this, i thought that i was going through a phase because i am in my early 30's and my overall drive has increased dramatically. before, i wasn't that interested in sex, i just tried to keep my husband satisfied, now i constantly want gratification. i keep on leaning on god to get me through. i know there must be an end. thanks for reading, i'm sorry for the lenght.
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forthelord47
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| Joined: | Sat Apr 7th, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 43 |
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 11:48 pm |
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No need to apologize for the lengh of your message. There is healing in the telling of our story.
You will be in my prayers.
I do hope that you will find a person on the board that can become an accountability partner. I think that a woman would be best and pray that the Lord will provide the best person for you. I'm hoping that if you start the process online, you will eventually feel comfortable finding similar support from a person or group in your community. You have made a wonderful first step.
God bless,
Marc
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 236 |
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 02:23 pm |
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thank you so much marc for the prayers. i really need them.
i had a slip last night and watched something that i shouldn't have. it wasn't porn but it was just as bad. my husband walked in and asked me to change the channel, which i did. when i asked for sex, he said that he didn't feel like it. lately when that happens, i wait for him to fall asleep and i m. but i kept thinking of this website and i couldn't bring myself to do it, so i drifted off to sleep. thank goodness.
if there is a female who would like to have an accountability partner, please let me know. i really think i need one.
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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
| Location: | Maine USA |
| Posts: | 41 |
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 08:29 pm |
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Hi sam... so nice to see you here... I hear and understand your struggle... for the past 3.5 years I have gone through counseling for many issues... child sexual abuse, raped at 18, two abortions and then this last year dealing with the sa... via porn/m... after all this counseling on these other issues I was finally left with "myself"... I learned that we turn to "m" for many reasons, as all compulsive behaviors... I appreciate hearing your husband's supportive attitude and truthfullness with you.
Do you understand "why" you are going there?? I also have a very healthy sex drive... but now I know it is no excuse to take away from my marriage what is meant to be shared intimately with my husband. But I do know we can turn to "m" for anger, revenge, comfort, relief, stress, ... I guess my first question to you would be how are you doing with the sexual abuse issues... have you received counseling and worked through those issues... my "m" was because of alot of revenge in my heart towards my uncle that abused me... I didn't understand that for the longest time... but I recently confronted my Uncle for the first time in 30 years... spoke with him for a while and handed him a letter that said everything I've ever wanted to say to him... actually I handed him his responsibility in this abuse... shortly after I tried to "m" and I couldn't respond to anything... and I believe in my heart when I handed him that letter I finally let go of the revenge in my heart... the forgiveness was real...
So where do you stand on the abuse issues? Looking forward to hearing from you
Diane
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 236 |
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 09:22 pm |
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it was also my uncle who abused me and he died. the other guy, i haven't seen in years. certain days i feel as if all of the pain from these situations are totally gone. i actually don't think about it very much anymore. i used to dwell on the abuse. my husband has really been the only person whom i have completely confided. i did share my story of being sexually abused to a group at church but i didn't go into detail. to answer your question, i have not had professional counseling. i never really thought i needed it. for the most part i think i am past it. my hubby and i have been married for 17 years and i married at 17. when i first started being intimate with him, it was very hard. i wanted to make love to him but i had a deep fear of him hurting me. it was several years before i felt free to really enjoy sex. at that time, i really didn't have much of a drive. i would say that the last year has been when my drive increased.
as far as why i go look at this stuff, i don't really know. i wasn't mad, upset, or anything like that. i have been dealing with a huge temptation to worry about things lately, so maybe it is just a release.
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
| Location: | USA |
| Posts: | 236 |
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Posted: Thu Oct 25th, 2007 01:57 pm |
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| i'm not understanding this. my husband & i had a fulfilling sexual experience last night and i was happy, but as he lay going to sleep, i had the urge to give myself another orgasm. i did not do it though. i have been trying to figure out why i wanted to do that. i have no reason. i love my hubby very much, i'm not mad at him, i experienced climaxes when we were together - so it's not like he doesn't satisfy me. i don't get why i have this compulsion. i didn't tell him this morning, i was afraid that he would think that he doesn't please me. i am debating whether or not to tell him.
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