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Journey
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Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 07:34 pm |
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I just want to publicly give praise to God for the healing He has brought to my heart this summer. Thanks to you who administrate this website which has been a positive force for me. Also thanks to God for my counselor and my husband, who have both encouraged me to see myself as God sees me. Thanks to Dan Allender for the incredible book/workbook The Wounded Heart. Thanks most to God who gives all good gifts, and who has begun a good work in me and will be faithful to complete it.
For as long as I can remember, I have hated how I looked, and felt that I was fat and ugly. After 30 years of fantasy and M and emotional deadness, I am breaking free of this. The other day I looked at myself in the mirror with no shame or negative thoughts! Major victory for me.
I thought that I would never be able to experience sexual pleasure in marriage the way God intended, because I had "trained" myself to masturbate for comfort and sexual release, and because I felt so unable to respond to my husband. But God is also healing this area.
I know I still have much to learn, and the battle will continue, but I thank God for the confidence He has placed in my heart that I am redeemed by Him, and held by His almighty arms.
There is so much more I could say in praise to all that God is doing, but I just want to give Him all the glory, He is able. Yes, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes, but He is worth it!
I read somewhere the other day that we should not be afraid to embrace disappointment, nor should we shy away from rejoicing in the victories. Rejoice with me today in His presence!
Journey
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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
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Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 12:09 am |
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Hello Journey, I am so, so thrilled to hear of all that God is doing... Thanks so much for sharing that with us... Yes God, the lover of our souls, knows just how to minister to our hurting hearts... "The Wounded Heart"... I went through the same book and workbook with my counselor also... there is alot of meat in that book... but oh so freeing...
You said something in an earlier post about not being able to be intimate or experience pleasure even with friends... When I went through that book... I learned because of my sexual abuse as a child that we tend to sexualize all relationships and for abuse victims that means danger... for years and years I wondered why I couldn't get close to a friend, emotionally and or physically... when an innocent touch on the shoulder, a hug, would leave me feeling scared... or something is not right... or a conversation with a brother in the Lord... I only went so far... I couldn't trust men... or even with children... why was I scared to give a hug to a child... Because the only touch and affection I knew was sexual... so in my mind even innocent, healthy touching = sex in my mind and that was dangerous... that terrified me... I couldn't do to others what was done to me...
I was at work one day and God whispered to my heart... "Diane... it's okay to feel... just because you feel a kindness or concern does not mean you are being sexual..." I cried all over my desk!!!! God touched my heart that day, he changed my heart that day... and when I shared that with my counselor it was so freeing... that I could hug a child and I'm not being sexual... that I could fellowship with a brother in the Lord heart to heart and with an innocent hug and I'm not being sexual... that I could admire a pretty woman and it does mean I'm being sexual... (I struggled with women for many years because of the porn that was shoved in my face as a child... that is what I (M) to).
I tell you God has had to untangle some wires... but oh He does a beautiful job... and the joy of knowing I could be caring, I could extend a kindness, in word, deed or touch, and it is healthy... It is innocent and it is okay...
I don't know, maybe others reading this might think that is trivial but it was a major breakthrough for me...
Journey... I could so feel your joy in your post... and I do most definetly rejoice with you today... Praise you Jesus!!! You are so precious in His sight... and it's my prayer that the freeing beauty in your heart so shines forth from you whole being... that is where true beauty is found... (and I understand about standing in front of the mirror - I smiled - I've been there) thanks for sharing... thank you
God Bless... and write me soon... Diane
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Journey
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Posted: Tue Sep 25th, 2007 02:11 pm |
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Hi, Diane,
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. Thanks for your encouraging words. It means alot. How are you?
I can identify with what you said about all interactions with other people being perceived by you as something sexual. I have had that very same problem. Praise God that He revealed truth to you! I think it is so amazing that while God often uses other people or His Word to speak to us, there are times when He Himself "whispers to our hearts" like you said. I have had a few experiences like that, of God's presence and His voice--it is so incredible and encouraging. He knows exactly the thing our hearts need to hear at that moment.
Praise God also for providing an accountability group! We are going thru the Wounded Heart book together. I have already gone thru the book on my own but I think it is going to take me several times to learn what I need to learn. I do not have memories of sexual abuse, just all the symptoms, but it seems God is stirring memories in my soul, and this is a scary thing to go through.
I am continuing to praise God for the deliverance I have experienced from fantasy and masturbation. Mid-July was the last time I fell to this sin. At that time God spoke to me and said, "You say that you cannot trust my love for you, but you will trust "lust". I was so impacted by that! What it did was it called forth a strong desire in my heart to learn to trust God's love for me, and other's love for me. And to not "trust lust" anymore. I think before God showed me that, I just couldn't see what I was getting from the fantasy, I thought it was just a sin that I wanted to wallow in. I didn't make any promises to God about stopping the M, I just began to pray, Teach me to receive Your love, to trust that you love me more than I can imagine. I also began to receive love from my husband, even tho that is harder because his love is not perfect like God's love. I feel like I'm taking baby steps in this, but I'm growing. It feels that the chains of the addiction are loosening. I have been tempted a couple of times, but when the temptation comes, I hear God saying something like "will you run to Me and trust My love, or will you trust lust?" I know that I may fall again before I reach full deliverance, but "not falling" is not so much my focus anymore. God is becoming more of my focus.
Also, please pray for me because I am in the middle of a "storm" in my life involving church. The pastor just seems to not like me, to be "set against" me. I'm not really sure why. I mean I know I'm outspoken and I don't just "obey w/o questioning", but I am respectful and sincere in my questioning and I want to be involved in the body of Christ. But last week my husband took on a volunteer position that puts him directly under the pastor, and my husband is warmly accepted by the pastor, treated respectfully, listened to, etc. I am very jealous of this. I know it is wrong of me. But I think it is also wrong for the pastor to treat me with disdain and suspicion. My husband is a quiet man and doesn't like to make waves, so he feels caught in the middle. He agrees that the pastor is not treating me right, but he seems afraid to speak up about it. I am not really sure what to do. I have a meeting with my counselor this week to get some advice. If I did what I wanted to do, I would just quit going to church. Because for two years, every time I try to get involved helping with something, there is this clash between me and the pastor. And I just don't want to have to fight this battle on top of everything else. Pray for my faith in God's sovereign plan to increase.
Well, this is getting long. I pray that this could in some way be an encouragement to God's people.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Journey
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Sep 26th, 2007 04:20 am |
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Hi Journey,
Praise God for the victory you are experiencing, and the growth in your relationship with the Lord.
As per your pastor, I would, as you may well already be, bathe the situation in prayer. Then, I might ask my husband if he would try to give objective consideration to what he knows of your interactions with the pastor, and let you know if he can think of anything that might be viewed by the pastor, even though it is not your intention to project it, any conduct that might not reflect Christ, or the functioning of the church as laid out in the New Testament. I would then either write a letter to the pastor, or, if you are comfortable doing so, arrange an appointment to meett with him. In either event, I would express my concern that I seemed to have offended, as things do not feel right between the two of you. I would ask that, if that were so, that he forgive any part you had, and share with you what the problem was so you could endeavor to seek God's strength to work in harmony with him in the future. This could open lines of communication that might allow you to share your actual thought process in your actions, which could be quite different from motivations he might have ascribed to you.
If he is married, and you are more comfortable with his wife, you might approach her to see if she can shed any light on the situation prior to contacting the pastor.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Journey
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Posted: Sun Sep 30th, 2007 06:37 pm |
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Truthseeker,
Thank you for your advice. It is great advice and we have already done all those things. My husband has shared with me how I can improve, and I am working on that. My husband has gone with me to meet with the pastor and he just doesn't seem to be open to "hear" what I say. I have sat and listened to the pastor list what he perceives as my faults. This is not done in a loving way in my opinion, but still I have tried to listen and take steps to correct what he perceives are my faults and weaknesses. God has placed it strongly on my heart that we are to be thankful for EVERY member of the body, and that we are to receive EVERY member of the body because God has placed them there. I have asked God to work in me, to bring me to this attitude towards my pastor as well. I have chosen by faith to thank God for this situation. This is truly a very hard thing when even my husband agrees that the pastor does not have this attitude towards me.
In the last few days my husband has decided that he would be willing to take the next step, which is go to the elders himself, and request a sort of 3rd party intervention. This is also what the counselor told me. I am very appreciative of my H willingness to help me seek reconciliation. Please pray for courage for my husband to follow through, and wisdom for the elders, and for reconciliation. And for encouragement for me, that I will stand on God's truth in the middle of this.
Journey
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Journey
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Posted: Tue Nov 13th, 2007 03:13 am |
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I wanted to share the next chapter in this story. This time I am embracing the disappointment, as I said above.
We did have a meeting with our pastor, and I hoped and prayed for reconciliation and love to come forth, but that did not happen. I was again treated with polite disdain by the pastor, and told what he thinks is wrong with me. I left the meeting very sad.
Then later my husband, in trying to help, said something to me that hurt me deeply, I know he didn't intend to hurt me, but it seemed like a trigger because I took a fall back into depression and hating myself for a couple of weeks which eventually led to slipping back into the fantasy and M and P a few times in the last few weeks. It was scary because I actually felt for a few days like "this is where I belong, this is what seems comfortable to me, why do I want to leave it behind".
It has been very enlightening for me though, just seeing what I am like when I let doubt and fear get in. Seeing myself return to old patterns of self-protection and self-gratification. Acknowledging that I am weak, that I easily fall. In my pride I have wanted to be a strong person who has an occasional slip-up, but I am not. I am addicted and I keep going back to the pigpen to eat garbage when I am a daughter of the King. And then the journey leads back to the truth that I am treasured by God not for what I do or don't do but because I am His. I see that I need to accept that I can't make my pastor like me, and that he may never like me or accept me. I have to accept that hurt will come, and only God can heal the hurt that we humans inflict on each other. I need repentance. I have read some of the things I have posted on this site and I need to take my own advice. 
A verse that God used to encourage me has been Matthew 11:28-29 (NLT) Come to me, all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls.
Especially the part where Jesus says "Let me teach you", I have let a lot of people "teach" me who I was by the way they treated me, and I think this is why the thing with my pastor affected me so strongly. "If my pastor thinks I'm worthless, then I must be worthless." But only Jesus can teach me who I truly am as His child, His friend, His lover. But I have to listen, and let Him teach me.
Thanks to all of you who post here. I want to press on, please pray that I will press on, that I will want God more than anything, that I will treasure Him as He treasures me!
Journey
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Journey
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Posted: Sun Jan 20th, 2008 10:01 am |
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It's been 2 months since I gave an update. Does anyone else ever feel like they are not making progress? I am taking it by faith that God is doing a work in me. I have been pretty depressed for the last couple of months. I haven't gone to church regularly because of the issue with the pastor.
I want to confess that I have fallen a few times in the last couple of months, to the fantasy mostly, and M and P. But mostly I am hit with the temptation and I fight it, because it's not where I want to go. Is it possible to resist temptation for the wrong reasons? I know for certain sure that I would have tried to view innapropriate material on our computer if it weren't for the fact that it's in a main part of the house and my children are always around because we homeschool. I also am very tempted to flirt with a certain person who happens to be the husband of my best friend, and I stop myself because I don't want to hurt her. I would really like to get to a place where God is more to me than those things. Maybe temptation never goes away.
I have continued meeting with my counselor. I'm looking into a recovery group as well. There is nothing at our church of that sort.
My husband and I have worked through some things and I am very thankful for that. I never realized how I repressed my thoughts and feelings with him until God started digging into this area of my life.
I continue to identify with sam who has posted here. Where I'm at is that when my husband and I have sex, my mind always goes to a fantasy at some point. I'm understanding that this is a symptom of a deeper issue, I used to think I was just bad. So I always feel guilty and often cry after lovemaking. I am learning to open up to my husband about these things but I know it hurts him. He is a very moral and upright and conscientious Christian and I don't think he understands how I could do something over and over when I say that I think it is wrong.
I'd appreciate your prayers. Also prayers about the church situation, we are still trying to seek resolution. Or maybe God just wants me to move on. I would like guidance from God on this.
Much love to all--Journey
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