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freshcookies
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Posted: Wed Aug 15th, 2007 05:24 am |
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Well, to introduce myself, I'm a 17 year old girl and I been addicted masturbation since long before I knew what it was. I won't go into a lot of detail because my story isn't much different than those I've read here. I've struggled for a few years to overcome the problem on my own, and obviously it hasn't worked. Only one person knows my whole story, and though I went to her to confess and ask for help, she actually guessed what I was going to tell her just from a very obscure hint. I'm not sure I could've told her if she hadn't guessed. I still can barely say the word out loud.
My problem is that I really feel like I should talk to my boyfriend about it. I think he deserves to know, and I know he can help me, too. I feel like the longer I go without telling him the more it will hurt him. The thing is, I'm terrified of telling him. I'm not sure exactly what I'm afraid of, but I don't know how I'll ever make myself say the words. I've read about a few people talking about when they confessed to someone, but no one talks about how they do it. Is there a tactful way to approach this, or do I just have to tell him "I'm addicted to masturbation"?
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TimM
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Posted: Wed Aug 15th, 2007 01:54 pm |
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I'm slightly hesitant to answer this, because I'm a man 3 times your age, so that my experience may well just not be meaningful to you. Let me try 2 or 3 things quickly, though.
Confession is hard. Sometimes it's possible to sort of ease into it. I have found it easier to say things like, "I've always struggled with sexual sins," which leads me into saying, "I have a basically addictive relationship with pornography," befoe saying, "I'm a sex addict." Maybe you can play with different phrasings until you find one you can utter.
I certainly agree that our spouses and significant others have a right to know about our struggles, but they often do not have the understanding and tools to help us. For your BF to give you good help and advice may well not be possible at this point in his life. For instance, he might just find your confession exciting, and have trouble seeing past the sex to the pain underneath. It can also be really hard for us to be honest with the people closest to us, because our behavior hurts them.
For all those reasons, it may be that your BF isn't the person to start with in disclosing. What would happen if you were to start with a counselor or pastor or pastor's wife or parent or other relative or close friend, to work on being able to be open with them, to make some progress understanding yourself and your behavior, and then, with their help and advice, to disclose to your BF?
We often think that being open to our SO is all we need to recover, but my experience is that this isn't enough. We need more experienced help and less intimate help. You might want to think about addictional sources of support beyond your BF.
Just a few quick and possibly not very helpful comments from someone at a very different place in life than you are.
Tim M.
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decide2love
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Posted: Wed Aug 15th, 2007 02:49 pm |
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When I was 21 I married a man who was addicted to hard core porn videos. I didn't know it until we were married and within two weeks he was introducing me to his fantasies and playing his videos in our house.
I began to masturbate when I was 14... I found my moms toys and decided to experiment and got hooked. Every time she left the house I'd go get into her toy box and... well you know the rest. When I was old enough, I moved out of the house and got my own toy box.
When I confessed this to my husband he got excited and wanted to watch. I was a non-practicing Christian and he had never been born anew, didn't want anything to do with it. I obliged him and when I did I felt even worse than when I did it in secret. I was taught that it was not a sin and that it satisfied my basic need and that it would keep me from being promiscuous. It did not. If anything it made me slutty... in my mind toward myself and once I confessed it to others, especially men, it made me slutty in their eyes as well. I became an easy hit for them.
After my divorce I stopped confessing it to anyone and moved to another part of the city and made new friends and even though I made close friends, I never did disclose my secret to any of them.
I didn't know it was a problem until I was back in church, many years later, and the Holy Spirit began ministering to me through the Word.
I wish I would have had the insight, hindsight, and foresight to go to a person who would have helped me to see my own painful past and how it had affected me and what I was doing to myself. Here I am 44, married again, and he has the masturbating & porn addiction.
I realize now that without that help to recover and be restored to a place of innocence within the person and Godhood of Christ, I kept and still do attract men with the same problem, and although my husband is not seeking recovery, I am.
Masturbating is not just something we get hooked on for no reason, there is healing from some wound that needs to take place. One of mine is that I was molested when I was 3 by my grandpa. My point is, get help from someone who understands your delema and your pain. Find freedom from whatever demons ail you. Shut whatever doors that were opened which caused you to find euphoria in masturbating. No matter how small and no matter how big it was... whatever happened to you or around you, Christ can and is willing and is waiting to heal you of it so you can be totally free.
I stopped masturbating a few years ago, but it wasn't until I discovered my husband's addiction and I turned the tables on myself... how I felt when he did it. I know porn shows women masturbating and it excites those men who have viewed it, but the devistation I felt when I found my husband doing it to thoughts and pictures of other women made me stop because I realized that it was considered adultery against the Lord, and if I was devistated at my husband's actions, how did the Lord feel about my actions against Him? Ultimately and more importantly I am His bride. I had read Hosea many times but never applied the wife part to myself I think because of pride, shame, and ignorance. Once I did it opened my eyes to what I was doing to the heart of My Savior and King and to His amazing Mercy and Love toward me.
I am praying for you, Decide2Love
Last edited on Fri Aug 8th, 2008 04:37 pm by decide2love
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Paulos
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Posted: Thu Aug 30th, 2007 08:19 pm |
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Freshcookies, I am 52 years old and the father of a boy 18 and a girl 16. If I were in your shoes, I would definitely not share this problem with a boyfriend. A very personal sexual issue of this nature should be shared only with someone who either (1) can maintain some distance and objectivity, like a counselor, or (2) can become directly involved as part of the solution, like a spouse. A boyfriend is neither. I hope you are wise enough not to be talking about sex with a boy with whom you have not entered into the permanent mutual covenant of marriage.
For some help dealing with the problem, you might be interested in an older but very good book: Walter and Ingrid Trobisch, My Beautiful Feeling. The Trobisches were fully qualified psychologists in Germany in the middle of the 20th century. They were also strong Christians. When a teenage girl wrote to them confessing her masturbation, a correspondence began that ran its course over many months. The letters from both sides were eventually collected and, with the girl's permission, published, first in German, then translated into English.
Last edited on Fri Aug 31st, 2007 03:53 pm by Paulos
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Diane
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Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 12:33 am |
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Hello Freshcookies... I'm proud that you had the guts to post on this site... I respect you for that... I so wish I would have had this kind of help when I was 17... the first question I would want to ask is are you sexually active with your boyfriend right now?? Are you a Christian? Is your boyfriend a Christian? and how is your relationship with the Lord??
decide2love said this in her post "Masturbation is not just something we get hooked on for no reason, there is healing from some wound that needs to take place" I so agree with her... she shared alot of wisdom in her post...
and I also agree with with TimM and paulos... I'm not sure that your boyfriend is the best person to tell this to right now... consider this advice... pray... wait on the Lord...
In reading your original post I'm wondering... how did you get to feeling or realizing that masturbation was a problem... have you always not felt right about it or is that something you figured on your own... I know for me, as a child of only nine years old my uncle taught me to masturbate... for a long time I never realized it wasn't wrong... well that is a yes and no thing... no because it didn't feel right in my heart and yes cause it felt good in my body... when we've masturbated so much #1 our bodies and brain get physiologically wired that we turn to (M) for many things... comfort, stress, to find relief of pain, lonliness, just being overwhelmed, lust, selfishness and the list goes on...
You said this "my story isn't much different than those I've read here" That leads me to believe that you have been abused, sexually abused in your past... is that correct? If so, that is why decide2love made that comment... there is healing that needs to take place... You also said "only one person knows my whole story" I'm grateful you had that one person to speak with. Is she someone your age? an adult? Has she been able to help you? How has telling her your story helped you? Just a few questions for you... I hope I'm not asking too much...
I don't believe you can get to the place of letting go of (M) without dealing with the issues of abuse in your past... because as you do that you begin to understand so many things... and as you heal emotionally and spiritually then the (M) sometimes just begins to loosen it's hold on you... yes you will have "choices" to make daily... but after healing you want to make the right choices... I've been there... now I'm here on this side of healing and I simply do not "need" the (M) because I've learned healthier ways to deal with and express my needs...
I hope you keep talking to us... we want to be here for you... If you would want to talk privately feel free to do so... God Bless you young lady... I smiled when I saw your age cause God has opened the doors for me to minister to many young adults in their late teens and early twenties... you are not alone young lady... and this is a safe place to begin to open up... we are always here for you... talk soon... Luv Ya... Diane
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freshcookies
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Posted: Fri Sep 14th, 2007 06:44 am |
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Well, there certainly are a lot of questions to answer.
First of all, a few of you mentioned abuse, etc. and using masturbation to "solve" or escape from other problems. I don't believe that is my case at all. I don't exactly remember how, but I know I discoved it on my own at a very young age. I know my parents knew about it but never asked or told me to stop. I wasn't ashamed of it as a child, no one gave me any reason to be. It wasn't until I was around 10 or 11 that I realized why it felt good, and it was around then that I began to feel ashamed of it. It was another couple years before I learned what it was called. I don't remember exactly how I discovered those facts either. Neither do I recall exactly the first time I stumbled across porn or the even more dangerous (to me, at least) explicit stories online. I do know that all this new junk in my mind made it so much more tempting. I was about 14 when I sort of discovered God for myself. My parents are christians and I was raised christian, but it was always sort of distant. I think that was around when I felt really convicted that I needed to get free of this habit. I tried many times alone, and gave up many times alone. Finally one day, probably around 6 months ago now, I told my best girl friend. Well, more like I tried to tell her and she guessed before I could get the words out. Turns out she's been struggling with the same thing. It was a surprise to both of us, and a blessing, cuz we'd both been afraid of what the other would think of us. Well, anyway...that's basically my whole history of masturbation. I don't think I do it for any reason other than that it feels good physically.
About my boyfriend: he's also my best friend. Even before we were dating I considered telling him, but thought I should talk to my girl friend first, not because I don't trust him, but because I wasn't sure about the appropriateness of the topic to discuss between a guy and a girl. I guess it seems that that should still be the case, but since then I've talked about a lot of things with him, including sex and lust etc. and felt as comfortable as I've ever felt with those particular topics. Yes, I'm a Christian, and so is my boyfriend. We're both committed to save sex for marriage. (I always feel like it's almost a lie to say that because I feel like I've already marred myself sexually even though I am technically a virgin.) Neither of us takes sin lightly, and from conversations we've had, not reguarding masturbation directly, but things like lust, I can't imagine that he would argue that masturbation is sinful.
Paulos says "I hope you are wise enough not to be talking about sex with a boy..."
Now, I know pre-marital sex is wrong, but is it wrong to talk about it? Especially in this context.
Finally, concerning talking to a counsellor/pastor/pastor's wife: that's not really something I feel like I could do. I couldn't tell a complete stranger and ask them to help me, and I certainly couldn't tell someone I'm merely acquainted with. The people I feel like I can tell are the people who know me and love me so well that it won't change that and I know they won't look at me completely differently or think I've been living a lie. Like I already said, I don't think there's any deep psycological thing I need help sorting out, I just need people I trust who care enough about me to keep me accountable.
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Paulos
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Posted: Fri Sep 14th, 2007 03:53 pm |
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Freshcookies, To talk about sexual matters in general with a boyfriend is not necessarily to cross a line between right and wrong. But because talking is the expression of thoughts, and thoughts naturally flow into actions, it isn't advisable to discuss any matters that it would be inappropriate for the two of you to explore actively, even apart. Especially from his perspective, to talk too freely about very personal sexual subjects could ignite passions that would be hard for him to control. If he has ever masturbated (statistics suggest most men do at some point in their lives), then to know that you do it could titillate his interest unhelpful in ways. I masturbated for most of 18 years before I got married at the age of 33. But I never told any of my girlfriends about that particular struggle. (I did share the problem with some male friends and pastors.) After I was several months into engagement with the girl who became my wife, I wrote a letter explaining it to her, because I knew it could affect our marriage and I wanted her to understand the baggage that would come with marrying me. She accepted me as I was and we have moved on from there.
There is something refreshing about your honest statement that you masturbate because you find it enjoyable. God wants us to be happy, he is the creator and bestower of all delights, including sexual ones. If he would rather we didn't practice m., it's not because he begrudges us pleasure. It's because in his design for sexuality the sensuous joys of the body are meant to be part of an unspoken language by which we communicate emotionally with our spouse, giving and receiving affection and bonding together in this way. When we exploit those sensations alone in private we're missing out on the best and deepest part of sex, and, as you've found, we begin to reinforce a cycle of surface-level craving and satisfaction that grips us and won't let go. In marriage this strong propulsion toward repetition is meant to help the spouses adhere to one another. But for an individual who has no spouse it can become a compulsive habit. Masturbation is defective, in that there is no other, it is fruitless, in that it falls short of achieving the true ends of sexuality, and for many it leads straight into a kind of bondage.
Having started in the way you have (and there are many others, including myself, who have made the same mistake in the absence of warnings or direction from parents or church), probably the main task that lies before you will be to build a fuller understanding of what sex is meant to be in contrast to the relative poverty of the masturbatory experience. Once we see what a poor thing m. is in comparison with the thing God has in mind for human sexuality, we begin to desire the best thing instead. Only when our desire for God's will is greater than our desire for an unsatisfying substitute do we gain the strength to make lasting changes in our behavior. When we do that, we feel good about ourselves and about the world in which God has placed us.
Last edited on Fri Sep 14th, 2007 03:56 pm by Paulos
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forthelord47
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Posted: Sat Sep 15th, 2007 12:09 am |
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Perhaps one of the woman who posts on these forums would agree to be your accountability partner. You could check in with each other on a regular basis for encouragement and prayer. Of course, this should be a woman who has all ready had some success with her own recovery. Perhaps one of the women who participates in this forum will make themselves available to you for this purpose. It would not be in anyone's best interest to accept any accountability partner offers from men. You seem to be a very thoughtful young woman with a real heart for the Lord. I will pray for your victory.
God bless,
Marc
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Diane
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Posted: Sat Sep 15th, 2007 02:25 am |
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Hello Freshcookies, I have to say I am blessed by your intuitiveness, your insight into your own heart and thoughts. The sincerety of your heart comes through clearly and you are really thinking this stuff through. I'm impressed for you being only seventeen. I enjoyed hearing of your relationship with your boyfriend, the trusting, the communicating, and for your committment to wait for marriage. It sounds like such a healthy relationship.
I'm grateful to the Lord that you don't have the baggage of abuse to work through. Your childhood discoveries of your own body are truly healthy in and of themselves. I would wonder why when you realized it felt good that you felt ashamed. To be ashamed has the connotation of false guilt, a believing you are bad for doing it or felt guilty that it felt good... I just loved what paulos shared - and he's right, God has given us the ability to share some of the greatest pleasures we can experience between two people.
But I believe where you are at right now you realize there is some conviction, what I call true guilt, realizing something needs to change... or you desire a change... I think the Lord is doing a wonderful job getting your heart in the right place... our sexuality is such a huge part of who we are and what God created us to be... as it has already been told I don't think God is as hung up on the physical pleasure of our bodies as he is about the issues of our hearts... meaning the focus becomes where our heart is, where our thoughts are, who we are with in our minds... our motives,
I remember I told one of my counselors not too long ago asking myself this question,,, "Do I think I can (m) and not be sinning?" then I answered my own question with "No" for me personally it is all connected to so many unhealthy and sinful relations... then comes the issue of the porn you came across or the explicit stories online... all this can get a grip on you that could become so difficult to let go... Your mind and your body are so connected... and then because you can get turned on so easily with porn or stories then it will make it difficult to respond to your spouse... the more you indulge the harder it will be... then you have false intimacy,,, selfish sex... it becomes what I can get out of it instead of a sharing and giving of oneself for the purpose of pleasing one another...
Are you still struggling with viewing porn or the stories online... Do you go there... I don't believe you can (m) without your mind being somewhere it is not supposed to be... If you are thinking about porn or fantasizing about someone else... for myself as a married woman I would be committing adultery... Jesus said the thought of lust is adultery... or in your case with your boyfriend... if you have those images and other people in your mind, whether imagined or real, you are cheating on him.
You said it feels like a lie to say you will save sex until marriage... well young lady... I think you are right... it is a lie if you are indulging in selfish, self-gratifying sexual pleasure... I know that may sound strong but it is truth. But Oh the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases... His mercies NEVER come to an end... they are new EVERY morning. Again God see's your heart... and that is what He wants the most... and everything else will fall in place... I believe that... Don't beat yourself up over failures, but brush yourself off, learn from them, get up and keep going,,, cause there really is victory ahead.
As for porn or explicit stories... sex was not created to be looked at from the outside... but to be shared from within eachother's arms and eachothers hearts... (m) just takes away from the best that you could have... paulos was so, so right in what he wrote...
and that is why I was so blessed to hear of the relationship you have with your boyfriend... you have something special there... and you are a special young woman...
Back to the (m) issue... you have wanted to stop and have not been able to... it's when you try to stop and you can't, you realize how this is controlling you ... my counselor suggested complete abstinence for a while... I thought I would go crazy...
One question I would have you ask yourself is "why"? Why do you go there? What need are you trying to fill? pay attention to the times you would choose to act out... what's happening around you? Where is your mind at? and paulos was right in that your thoughts will become actions... hence the need to take "every" thought captive to the obedience of Christ...
I believe in accountability young lady... I just finished 3 years of counseling to deal with issues in my past... and then my online counselor, after my sharing with her issues in my marriage... asked me if I ever considered sexual addiction... to go online and take the test and see what comes up... it took the result of that test to shake me up to realize I really had a problem,,, I emailed her a copy of my answers going beyond just yes and no answers but giving her the whys behind my answers. I had a counselor here who had just finished helping me with a rape issue... I was so afraid to bring up this (m) issue face to face, so ashamed... so to break the ice I mailed her the same copy of questions and answers I emailed to my online friend.
I mailed it with this attitude,,, I promised myself and God that if I shared this with them I would make myself accountable to them,,, that I would be brutally honest about every failure and I have kept that promise,,, you see "I wanted to be well", I did not want to be controlled by this any longer and I was willing to do anything to get well... God had healed so, so much in my life I wasn't gonna stop there,,, and it has been humbling to share the times I've failed... but in that accountability I have learned something about myself and God has shown me things in my own heart, And then being honest with my own husband... I've had to learn to communicate without fear of rejection,,, but how God has blessed... I never dreamed I could experience what I am now, intimacy, love, fullfillment, yes that includes the sexual love between us, but I've learned intimacy is so, so much more then sex.... and I'm just blessed...
So I'm willing to be here for you... my door and my email are wide open to you if you feel you have need. and I'm willing to knock on your door and see how you are doing...
Be taking care young lady... Keep in touch... Diane
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freshcookies
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Posted: Sat Sep 15th, 2007 08:54 pm |
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Diane, I think you may have misread. I said that I began to feel guilty when I realized why it felt good. Before a certain time, of course, I had no notion of what sex was or that what I was doing was related to it in any way. Before I learned that, I tried to keep it private in the same way that one wants privacy when using the bathroom, but I wasn't ashamed of it.
I also don't think I could (m) (is there a reason everyone uses this abbreviation?) without sinning. Even if I could, it would put me in a position far too close to my problem than I want to be. I feel the only real freedom for me would be complete abstinence.
I don't think I've ever really been addicted to the porn and stories, and only very rarely have I gone online with the purpose of looking for them. Most of the time I would be doing something completely different and stumble upon something. I knew I shouldn't be looking at whatever it was, but I would, and I'd end up clicking related links and such. I feel like I've overcome this problem for the most part. Lately I've been able to walk away from things I know I shouldn't look at. The problem is that I can't escape all the things that i've already exposed myself to. It's like I have a whole file of fabricated fantasies in my mind that I can't quite lock up.
By the way, I have been doing much better. For a while it seemed like every time I got in bed I was tempted. I resisted most of the time, but the times I didn't it was those things that I couldn't stop thinking about. The temtations are slightly fewer now, and I have a stronger store of weapons against them. The things that help the most are remembering how I feel afterward, how it's not even worth it. And remembering, as Paulos was saying, how meager (m) is in comparison to what God created sex to be.
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Diane
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Posted: Sun Sep 16th, 2007 04:59 am |
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Hello again freshcookies... Thank you for clarifying that for me... yeah I understand what you are saying... I have to say this again... you bless my heart!!! I think because I see such an innocence in your life... something I never knew as a child... my sexuality was really just taken from me and put in front of me, not prepared at all for what I was exposed to... left me so confused... with you I see such innocent discovery, comfortable with who you are, and now, just wanting to put things in the proper perspective... I have alot of respect for you young lady...
As far as the word masturbation being abbreviated (M)... yeah I've seen it alot on this site... No special reason to abbreviate.. just to save on typing I guess...
For me personally I've never been comfortable even speaking the word... have never been proud of the fact that I did that... I felt so perverted as a child, teenager. I actually was ashamed and felt I was sick or bad to be doing that... I've had to deal with alot of anger because of it... I was not supposed to learn and discover at my Uncle's hand... It took me a long time before I actually finally talked to a friend about it. I was into my marriage five years the first time I confessed to someone of my struggles. I know differently now and have untangled alot of confusion, and yes I can speak of it openly, without shame... I have to be able to, to speak frankly with young adults as yourself. This site has been a blessing to me... cause there are so many in the "Church" that so fear speaking about these issues... and people simply need a safe place to be open an honest... that was your hearts cry... We hear it young lady... we hope you feel safe here.
You are coming from a totally different perspective... an innocent perspective of exploring and discovery... and now realizing you are dealing with your sex life... I have to agree with what you said... the only real freedom is in complete abstinence...
Can I ask you something... Have you been able to talk to your Mother about any of this... How is your relationship with your Mom... are there open discussions about these issues in your home... you mentioned your parents knew you were doing it... they never discussed anything with you?
and how often were you/are you masturbating... the reason I ask that is because there really is the physical/biological side of things... that our bodies can become so programed to be triggered to do what we've done so often... Are you an active person, athletic, involved in different activities...
I'm glad to hear you feel you have overcome the porn / stories /online sites... you said "for the most part"... so know young lady... we have an enemy that is real... be on your guard always... The Bible says that the eyes are the windows of the soul... we need to be so careful as to what we put in front of us... It is just too easy to click on junk on the internet... How many times do we reason... "nobody knows... I'm not hurting anybody" "Or I won't do it again after this time" I've looked at alot of porn... it was shoved in my face at a young age... and it was all connected to my masturbating... But it was easier for me to let go and put aside the porn than to stop the masturbating... It takes a steadfast, tenacious determination in the power of God's Holy Spirit to walk away... But it's not enough to just walk away from the temptations, you need to fill your mind and heart with some wholesome and healthy things, with the Word of God... put on some Gospel music... get your mind on things above... Philippians 4:8 tells you what to put your mind on... things that are pure and righteous... God's Word can wash us clean... Get busy with something else... some wholesome activity...
The problem is that I can't escape all the things that i've already exposed myself to. It's like I have a whole file of fabricated fantasies in my mind that I can't quite lock up.
You do have a file young lady... all the more reason for you to stay away from things that add to that file.... yes, it's difficult to change the picture but it's not impossible... Scripture says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind... As you continue to feed your heart, mind, soul and spirit with healthy, wholesome, righteous things, God has an uncanny way of changing the pictures... many times I simply get out of bed and read... I read the Word... or a book...
I'm glad to hear you are doing better, making the effort... stay in the race young lady and run to win...
The things that help the most are remembering how I feel afterward, how it's not even worth it. And remembering, as Paulos was saying, how meager (m) is in comparison to what God created sex to be.
I smiled when I read this... you are so right... the feeling afterward is not worth it... the more you indulge in self-sex and self-gratification the more baggage you will bring into a future relationship... the comparisons and the unhealthy expectations... they are heavy weights for a relationship... believe me I know...
What have you decided about telling your boyfriend?? are you heeding the advice given to you?
Remember - God's got His best in store for you... I am so proud of you young lady... you have blessed my heart temendously... believe it or not you are ministering to my heart also...
I'm here for you... anytime... Luv Ya!! Diane
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freshcookies
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Posted: Mon Sep 17th, 2007 06:21 am |
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Diane, thank you for being such an encouragement to me. Your words have made it easier to move toward forgiving myself.
I've also never felt comfortable speaking the word. I hope that some day I will be able to overcome the shame and hopefully to reach out to others. I know that will take a while though.
No, I've never talked to my mother about it. I've never really told my mom a lot of personal things, or anyone in my family for that matter. I never talked to her about boys I liked or my friends fighting or anything. I still feel somewhat awkward asking her to get me some tampons. Yes, my parents did know when I was young, and they never talked to me about it. I don't know if they figured I'd grow out of it, or for how long they knew I was still doing it, but it was never brought up.
Your next question is hard to answer, because there's not really a normal. There were times I would do it every day for up to a few weeks, sometimes a few times a day. Sometimes I'd stop for an entire month, or mary just a few times a month. In the past two months I've fallen twice, but I think it's the best i've ever been. I'm not incredibly active. I'm not into sports at school or anything. I'll take a walk every now and then, or play some ridiculous game at youth group.
I guess I threw in that "For the most part" just because I haven't been confronted with that temptation for a while, so I'm not quite sure how I would react, and I'm sure it won't be easy.
As for telling my boyfriend, it wasn't a decicion I took lightly, and after the warnings and advice I was given I thought and prayed about it, but nothing seemed to justify hiding it from him any longer. As I already said, I felt like a liar for saying that I was saving myself for marriage, and a lot of the arguments against telling him, though I understand the concern, (and I realize this may sound naive in a sort of "that'll never happen to ME" way, which I really hope it isn't) I didn't feel were relavant. So, I did tell him. I'd told him when I first talked to my friend that I was really happy because I'd started dealing with a sin problem in my life. When I mentioned it, he remembered, and I told him I wanted to tell him, but I was scared and unsure. He was very understanding, and I talked a lot, but I didn't end up telling him that first day I brought it up. I just couldn't find the words. I ended up writing it down. It felt a bit lame to have to do it that way, but it did the job. I talked again for a while before I let him read it, and I sat there feeling terrified and exposed. The first thing he did after folding the paper and giving it back to me was to give me a huge hug. The second thing he did was to confess that he struggles with the same thing and has never talked to anyone about it. I had wondered if he'd say something like that, and hoped that he wouldn't, but when he did I was even more certain I'd done the right thing. We agreed it wouldn't be the best idea to be accountable to each other about it for now, and he's planning on talking to another guy about it soon. I feel good about it. It brought us closer, and I no longer feel guilty that I'm hiding part of me or lying to him.
On a slightly unrelated note, Diane, I'm sure you don't mean it this way, but the term "young lady" as you address me always feel negative and condescending to me. Sort of like "Go clean your room young lady!"...even in a completely different context. I know it's an odd request, but I'd appreciate if you wouldn't call me that. By the way, my name is Natalie, so you can call me that. :-)
Thanks! And thanks for everything else.
Last edited on Mon Sep 17th, 2007 06:24 am by freshcookies
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Diane
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Posted: Tue Sep 18th, 2007 04:22 am |
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You are most welcome Natalie... and oh for sure!! I won't refer to you as "young lady"... sorry about that... It must be the Mom in me... and I know you know it was not in a condescending way... I appreciate the ease that you can just share how you feel... thank you for that...
I would like to share something here... When I was young, after the uncle that abused me, for up to ten months, had moved away, I masturbated several times a day sometimes... at 11, 12, 13 years of age and on into high school... Its weird, but as I even type this out I could remember the intense confusion and the anguish of my heart, I was hurting... not too many days would go by without me acting out... there was always porn somewhere in my home,,, I think it was after I became a Christian when I was 19 years old and found the love of my life in Christ... that I began to feel like all this wasn't right. I remember begging God... please take these desires away because I was having such a difficult time giving in to those desires and temptations. As I grew in the Lord the battles grew fewer and farther between... I began to read and research... I remember reading that children that are masturbating compulsively or obsessively that there is usually some emotional issues involved. For myself that was true... I was angry, confused and hurting... And I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here, I'm just trying to have you think through some things... and I know you will be honest  ... I know you were not physically or sexually abused as a child... I so Praise God for that... but did you struggle with issues like feeling left out, or did you experience a lack of affection or attention, loneliness, rejection, or just not quite measuring up... How was it for you at school... or in the neighborhood, any issues there that might have been hurtful... kids can be cruel to each other,,, Do you have any siblings that maybe you felt were more favored... just some thoughts here... think it through and be honest with yourself...
Natalie, If you have only acted out twice in the last two months... I commend you... you are taking this very seriously... and I'm praying that God keeps you strong in times of temptations... You are an encouragement to me... I just finished going through 3.5 years of counseling... I had three major issues to face and work through... and then unexpectedly this fourth issue of sexual addiction... God has a way of bringing things to light...
and as far as telling your boyfriend, well I trust the sincerity of your heart Natalie, I really do. If you feel something to be sin then it is sin in your heart... and you have to deal with it... When people give you advice you need to seriously consider it, take it to heart searching prayer, and then finally let the peace of God rule your heart... that word rule means "umpire"... follow the peace that God places on your heart... I have to be honest and say the maturity that you have for a seventeen year old amazes me... I still would wonder though if things have become more difficult in your boyfriend's mind (and body)... and now that you know he is struggling what is going on in your mind (your body) are you both 17,,, I'm assuming you are what, a senior? You have not given me any reason not to trust your judgement and the genuiness of your heart or the sincerity of your walk with the Lord. It is not for me to say if you were wrong or right... If you have a peace... that's what you go with... and then we deal with what comes up...
You know something Natalie, I kinda struggled with you saying you had difficulty forgiving yourself... thou I understand... and that you hope some day you will be able to overcome the shame and hopefully reach out to others... you will... let me share a brief story...
I went to my lakeside camp one day... alone... I went there often to pray... It was a season of "failures" for me and I felt awful... I took a lounging chair, placed it on our wharf, laid face down and cried my guts out... I so needed to hear from God... I didn't want this battle anymore... I got in the Word... I was reading from Proverbs 25:4 I believe... talking of the silversmith heating the silver so all the impurities (dross) would come to the surface to be removed and what was left was pure silver... and God spoke to me "Diane, you've struggled with your sexuality... I've removed the impurities and the dross, but you need to know that what is left has value and worth"... and God healed me of the shame I've had... He spoke value and worth to my heart... that my sexuality had value and worth... Something changed for me that day... Did I fail beyond that day... yes... but with every failure I continued to go to the only one who could help me... and He began to teach me something else with every failure,,, for example one time He made very clear to me that I was going there for comfort instead of believing He could comfort me... and with each understanding I became freer... there were "many different" reasons I turned to masturbation... and He has gently dealt with so much... and only He can show you what is really in your heart... you'ld be surprised at what's in there if He would show you all at once... but He is gentle and He's got the plan.... one step at a time
You see we are Justified in Christ... God sees us clothe in the righteousness of Christ His Son... that is our position in the Lord... done deal... period... but scripture says "that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it"... He promises to keep working on us... that is the sanctification process... and that will go on until we finally cross over to that promised land... don't look for perfection here Natalie... yes aim for God's best always... but realize that we will fail... and I'm not looking for excuses for failure here... I'm trying to help you not beat yourself up, give yourself some slack, forgive yourself and trust that God will help you day by day... This is a journey we are on... let's travel light... not with the weight of sin and self condemnation... enjoy the trip and Trust the God that you love knows exactly how to bring the dross to the surface until you come forth as pure Gold... I just love Him so much... so, so much...
God sees your heart... He sees the sincerety of your heart... I don't think He is surprised one bit at our failures... use each failure to draw closer to the Lord... Ask him why Lord... why do I go there... what is really in my heart... show me my heart... Psalm 139 "Search me Oh Lord, try me if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting"... to come to Him as the trusting Father that He is and let Him speak to you...
Forgive yourself Natalie, He already has... and I think you are doing great in the Lord... Just keep yourself accountable...
Wow... I know I wrote alot... but it felt good to write... It all reminds me of how much God has done in my own life... and I'm loving it... If you have any questions for me feel free... God bless you Natalie... Be taking care of yourself... Diane
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Diane
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| Location: | Maine USA |
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Posted: Thu Sep 20th, 2007 01:29 pm |
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| Goodmorning freshcookies... you've been in my thoughts and my prayers... just dropping in to see how you are doing? God bless your day... keep in touch when you can... Luv Ya... Diane
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