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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
| Location: | Maine USA |
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Posted: Mon Aug 6th, 2007 05:13 am |
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Hello all,
I haven't posted in a while so I thought I would pop in and say hi... Hi truthseeker and hello Journey... It was nice to hear from you... and yes I am still on the journey to healing... I still struggle once in a while... by that I mean about 2 times a month lately... I had promised myself, an online counselor and my counselor here in town that I would be brutally honest... as humbling as that honesty has been... I find I've learned much with each failure... I've learned to recognize the moments I would act out for comfort or to deal with stress, or in moments of rejection or lonliness... acting out has been my escape all my life since 9 years old... Because of sexual abuse the walls went up and that alone became my safety net... my place of comfort in an environment where there was no comfort, no attention, no affirmation, no touching it seemed... until all the wrong touching came along... I've been so wired to turn to acting out and God is trying to do some rewire-ing... and I'm glad to say I'm letting him.
I'm grateful for the Godly counselors and friends who have kept me accountable. Without their straight forward honesty I wouldn't recognize the areas I need to change. They've shared truth, and sometimes very hard truth... but that is how I like it... straight forward...
I would like to share a very personal moment... an "intimate" moment if I may... I would also call it a God moment... I have always struggled with relationships... I've learned because of my child sexual abuse I didn't know what "healthy intimacy" was in any relationship, let alone with men... and then when I was raped at 18 years old... I gave up... I felt so helpless and hopless that life would be any better. Or any different... I've had some very thick walls around my heart... I've learned through counseling that when someone goes through those kinds of trauma they somehow try to disassociate or try to disconnect with what is going on at the moment... for a child that is how they survive... During my rape I remember disconnecting... or I remember trying so, so hard not to be there... when I wrote of this in my counseling I wrote it this way.... "I don't know where I went, but it was some place deep inside where this guy couldn't touch"...
Now, after all this counseling and sorting things out... letting my walls down... trusting again... and after I began to seriously want to be free from this compelling sex addiction... I truly did not want the self sex anymore... sex was meant to share with someone... and I don't just mean sex... I mean sexual love... big difference...
My husband and I were "sharing" an intimate moment... I had never experienced such an intimate moment as this in all my life... It was not just a physical thing anymore... our spirits were joined, our hearts were joined... I felt like I was letting my husband in... into the depth of my being... the moment was so, so deep for me... In writing of this moment in my counseling I wrote this... "could it be that I've let him (my husband) into that deep place of my heart, of my being... the very place I've closed off years ago... I took back that day what the enemy had stolen from me... which was the ability to really love and allow myself to be loved.
Years ago... I wouldn't let myself out or let anybody in... Oh I've always wanted and desired sex... but this time something was different... It wasn't only a physical experience... I actually opened my heart and let him in... and I experienced an intimacy so deep I can't find adequate words to share it...
Because of the abstinence from self sex, or acting out... I find my time with my husband so much more meaningful and intimate... It is still a struggle for me to keep talking... to keep the lines of communicaiton open... I wish I could be freer with that... but I'm learning... and I also wish I could get through my first 30 days without acting out... and there is just no one else to blame anymore, not my past, not my husband... I own this thing... my sexual identity... and in that ownership comes responsibility... It is all my choice now...
thanks for listening... Diane
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Mon Aug 6th, 2007 01:49 pm |
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Hi Diane,
I'm glad you stopped by to share, and that you were in touch with Journey. Women who struggle are so few and far between that it is great to seeconnections.
If more people could comprehend the wholeness of intimacy as God intended, as you have described here, the body of Christ would see far fewer divorces.
You may have done all the reading you wish to on recovering from sexual abuse, but there were a number of books on that topic in a list I compiled in the Resources forum a while back.
Have a great day!
TruthSeeker
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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Aug 6th, 2007 02:45 pm |
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Goodmorning Truthseeker, So nice to hear from you again... thank you for the encouragement you always bring here at BG... I've read many of your postings and have been tremendously blessed by your heart. Thank you for that list of resources... I checked it out... great list... I personally have gone through the Wounded Heart by Dan Allender... I have that book highlighted in so many different colors as God kept taking me back to certain chapters...
Truthseeker, I'm doing well. I've had my bouts and battles with temptations. My online counselor called me on a few attitudes or really denial... For a time I was boasting of my successes of a week or so without acting out... then I would share of the failures... One time I shared of a few days of binge-ing, that I was so frustrated... in the same email I shared how wonderful my time with my husband was... Well she called a spade a spade... boasting of successes, then binge-ing, then the wonderful times with my husband... she said you want your cake and eat it too...
The successes I claimed were not real... In the process of addiction she showed me how people can go from daily to weekly to occassionally binge-ing... we are claiming successes when really all we've done is change modes... and then to speak of the adultery I'm committing in my heart... and then go have a good time with my husband... It was hard truth to hear but it challenged me to change... It opened my eyes to see how we can convince ourselves or deceive ourselves into thinking we are succeeding when we are not really changing in our hearts...
God wants our hearts in the right place... and when that is in the right place everything else will change... there will be a change... the battles with my flesh are there... but lately with every temptation I try to think of my husband and the time we will share... and I try to save it all for our next time together... the good thing is, that thought really puts a smile on my face... things have changed...
I have to go to work... I didn't think I would share all that... but I do want to thank you for all the encouragement... BG has been a blessing...
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Journey
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Posted: Mon Aug 20th, 2007 02:53 am |
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Hi, Diane, how have things been for you the last couple of weeks?
I'm doing ok, today felt like a step backwards but it was just that I saw the guy with whom I had a mental affair, and I still feel attracted to him. I had hoped after 2 months I would not feel that way. I am good friends with his wife, and she and I get together often. Maybe I will always feel that way around him? Nothing physical ever happened between us. Has anyone ever gotten over something like that?
Journey
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Barb
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Posted: Mon Aug 20th, 2007 08:53 pm |
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Its all about taking those thoughts captive to the Lord. If you nip the thoughts immediately it will not flow to sin. Temptations are always going to be there, its what we do with them that either sinks us or not. I would encourage you to bring each thought of the "guy" in question to the Lord for his refining and sifting. Ask the Lord to reveal to you any areas that you are stuggling with. See if you are not allowing the Lord to fill up these empty spaces...it is hard and can be a very painful but necessary process--only Christ can feel these desperate and lonely places.
Barb
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Esperanza
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Posted: Tue Aug 21st, 2007 06:03 pm |
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Its all about taking those thoughts captive to the Lord. If you nip the thoughts immediately it will not flow to sin. Temptations are always going to be there, its what we do with them that either sinks us or not. I would encourage you to bring each thought of the "guy" in question to the Lord for his refining and sifting. Ask the Lord to reveal to you any areas that you are stuggling with. See if you are not allowing the Lord to fill up these empty spaces...it is hard and can be a very painful but necessary process--only Christ can feel these desperate and lonely places.
Barb
Dear Barb,
I posted in the Wives section recently under the topic "Has any wife been tempted?". I usually read most if not all post in different section since everyones experience here is a world of information and have different POV that are helpful.
I just want to say that your post struck deep. Thank you for your words of wisdom. God bless you and I will continue to think about this. You are so right. Thanks.
Diane, you are in my prayers and I hope my husband will gain the insight that you are achieving.
Esperanza
PS- Sorry for posting "out of place".
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Journey
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Posted: Tue Aug 21st, 2007 06:50 pm |
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Barb wrote: I would encourage you to bring each thought of the "guy" in question to the Lord for his refining and sifting.
Thanks, Barb, I like the way you put that and it makes alot of sense to me, I needed to hear that. I have been faithful to "turn away" from the temptation to fantasize, but I want to do what you said and bring my mind and any thoughts to the Lord, into His light. I think I am also clinging to a hope of a "friendship" with him someday.
I have realized that I for some reason haven't even let myself enjoy feeling pleasure in things that are truly ok to enjoy, like a compliment, or a hug from a friend. My counselor and I are working through this issue, and I am starting to make progress. Please pray for this continuing process.
Thanks so much!
Journey
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Precious Woman
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Posted: Sun Oct 28th, 2007 03:55 pm |
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Hello,
I have been reading these texts and appreciate what you are saying. I too suffer from fantasy and I too was sexually abused. I am starting to find that my fantasizing is to avoid something that's going on for me that's really uncomfortable and if I pray at that moment and surrender the fantasy over, actually my entire will over, then I will experience the pain of the reality and then after that God's insights will come and I will find what I have to do.
Now I am in a difficult situation and I am wondering if you will help me.
I have been doing some artists modelling for a very small group run by a woman. I am ok with it, there is no sexual activity involved the artists are very respectful and it helps me see myself as I am - beautiful, a woman with floppy, starting to age body, sadness in my eyes, bit too skinny in places but beautiful nevertheless. I have needed the money, having been a single parent to my 17 year old most of my adult years. For a couple of years I have been in a relationship with a man who may have Borderline personality disorder. It has become very estranged though we are still together but with boundaries at the moment because of his abuse and my wanting to work a program that deals with my sex & love addiction. That's another way my fantasy destroys me - I accept and stay in relationships with men who abuse me even though I have been working on this for 5 years I still do it or might I say I have done it up until now. He is sad about me doing that work. I have said I will think about what he feels and look at it. Over the past week, I have spent some hours on the internet looking up life drawing, spoken to people and have prayed and surrendered to God. At the moment my partner is raging at me as he does everytime something happens in our relationship actually anytime something, anything happens in our relationship. Doesn't sound healthy does it. And what is worse I want to fix it to make him love me, right this minute. And see through all his abuse to the lost frightened lonely bewildered man he is. I want to hold his hand and say come on, where's your heart of course you are important to me and it's not that important to me and I will stop but the reality is he is an awful abusive man and hurts me continually and somehow I found this has as well as all the rest of reasons I listed above, is a way to hurt him. I just want to be honest, I want to get well and honesty is one the tools needed to can break this. I am writing this as God's voice comes to me. Yes the more he hurts and reacts about it the more I see that I have some power over him. And voila there's my addiction. Now I have to surrender my pain over to God and my hurt and hate, not fantasize about anything or anyone else, nor do any other sexual or chemical acting out and go through the pain of withdrawal but not away from him, no matter how abusive I may think he is, face my own abuse. My own pain.
Please have compassion for me in your replies, love is the only way I am going to break this sickness.
Last edited on Sun Oct 28th, 2007 04:00 pm by Precious Woman
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Diane
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Posted: Sun Oct 28th, 2007 04:35 pm |
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Goodmorning Precious Woman... and I do like that name by the way... you are precious... God says so!!... I hear the sincerity in your heart... and you saying "I want to be well" is huge!!! that alone is the beginning of much healing in your heart... that was my hearts cry 4 years ago... I wanted to understand "why" I was the way I was and I wanted to be well... I knew things weren't right but I just couldn't get it right... it took God to gently love me into safety and healing... and I believe you will find that kind of gentleness, mercy and grace on this sight... Oh yes, you will heart truth that is difficult to hear sometimes... but it is truth shared in so much love... I respect the people reaching out and ministering hope to hurting, struggling people that are crying out to be understood and loved... hungry for truth and freedom... and I agree with what you said... as you turn to God... as you truly surrender to Him, He will do two things... first He reveals our hearts... he shows us what's in there and helps us to understand what He desires to change... He helps us to understand ourselves... and then #2 He desires to reveal HIS own heart to us... He longs for relationship and intimacy with us also... I have found Him to be so gentle on this healing journey I've been on...
You mentioned turning to fantasy to avoid painful issues... you mentioned sexual abuse... I know with sexual abuse there is something called revictimization... meaning we continue ending up in relationships that simply are abusive... somehow believing that we don't deserve or can't get any better... that is how low we think of ourselves... If someone would come along and truly love us, lift us up, encourage us, pour value and worth into our lives and treat us with utmost respect and dignity we don't know how to deal with that... cause it's been so foreign to us... the TRUTH is you have so much value and worth that Jesus died for you... and He didn't die for you to continue being abused...
Do you feel you have unresolved issues concerning the sexual abuse you went through? have you been able to work through those things with someone? the wanting to hurt him (your boyfriend) is more true then you realize... I hear anger in there... but anger in your heart maybe for what your boyfriend represents... alot of pain... If you haven't already... unless you deal with the "roots" of your pain and anger, yes you will want control... cause you simply don't want to be hurt... and we sabatage our relationships do avoid pain and rejection... and the cycle of pain continues... but you did say you've worked on issues for 5 or 6 years now... have you been in counseling during that time???
Keep posting, keep talking, and I know there will be others who will pour into your life also... YOU ARE PRECIOUS!! Diane
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