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geeky_student
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Posted: Sun Apr 22nd, 2007 02:56 am |
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It is sin to fantasize about another woman, it's lusting, it is adultery
A suggestion: please, please, not the graphic descriptions... they are stumbling blocks. Thank you! 
God bless! and blessed we all are in Jesus! always!
God is with us, let us LISTEN to Him and OBEY Him!
I will continue praying for you guys
Keep clean!
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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Suzi
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Posted: Sun Apr 22nd, 2007 03:10 am |
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I found this to be a major shock to me when my H and I actually got to the point where I realized that our outlooks on love and sex were directly opposite of each others.
Just like Unearthed H says:
So he says "sex is sex, and love is love"
My H says it also.
I think that means that guys compartmentalize their sex drive from their feelings of love. Do all men? I have no idea! But I know there was a totally different outlook for me. No way could I have been unfaithful to my H and come home and been a good wife to him. But HE could be unfaithful to me, come home, say he loveds me, and be close to a model husband.
Jodie, Please take your time about getting married. My story is that my H was not very involved in porn at all... sure, it was there every once inawhile. But after 25 years of marriage he got hooked on internet porn and it got worse from there. We will be having our 37th anniversary soon, and I have to tell you, the last 10-12 years of our marriage have not been pretty. I don't know where the man I married went to.
Sometimes I think I must have been an absolute idiot to think we had a great marriage for all those years. There is no way I would be sticking it out in this marriage NOW if it were not for our shared history together. We have been best friends for 40 years, we have grandkids, we built a business together for 21 years, we have travelled extensively together, we have been on the mission field together, and I could go on. But no way would I go through this torment if we were just starting out and I knew then what I know now.
I know when I was younger I was afraid of growing old alone. Well, sometimes I wonder if it's worse simply to grow old and WISH you were alone. I hope I don't sound bitter. I am just being gut honest with you. The energy that it takes, emotionally, spiritually, and physically to deal with a spouse who is addicted to porn is extremely draining. I look back just at this last week of my life, and I am saddened by how many times I drew back from other people (in real life) because of my pain. There were opportunities I missed where, in the past, I would have just let loose and had a good time. But, the triggers sometimes take my breath away. What are normal conversations for many people can put me over an emotional edge that is difficult to explain away.
Now, I know I have posted very negatively here. Let me end on a positive note. OK? God is GOOD! And God is good ALL the time!!! God is the strength of my life. If I had suffered a crushed foot earlier in my life, no one would think it odd for me to have aftereffects of it? A bit of unsteadiness, maybe even a crutch or walker? I could still live a full life but I would walk with a limp. Well, that's sort of where I am now... only instead of a crushed foot, I have a crushed heart. I can live a fairly normal live, but... there is an emotional limp that I struggle with.
Please think long and hard before you deliberately walk into a situation where your heart can be so readily and easily crushed. OK?
Suzi
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Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Unearthed
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Posted: Sun Apr 22nd, 2007 03:27 am |
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| "Marriage isnt going to help this...it will only make things worsr" Please explain.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Apr 22nd, 2007 05:11 am |
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Hi Unearthed,
What's happening is that he is lying to himself and emotionally abusing you. If I thought it was just a matter of differing interest times, I would suggest going to bed earlier and setting the alarm earlier, so the morning's physiological norm could be maximized, but it sounds like he is playing a mind game with you of which he should be ashamed. Did your body image issue preceed meeting your husband? If it did, you may wish to seek counsel about it. If it has only been a problem since your meeting, he needs to confess and address his role in this, as it should not be an issue between a couple who has a healthy relationship. I think I remember you describing him as "brilliant" in another thread, but if this evil is the fruit of his "brilliance," he needs to get in to some serious Bible study of the fruit of the Spirit, and Eph. 5, and confront the lack of meekness and kindness, and that he is not treating you with the kind of love with which Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.
Have you guessed that your H's behavior is getting under my skin a bit? :-)
Nevertheless, I will pray for him especially that God will give him an unmistakable wake-up call. I am already praying for you.
TruthSeeker
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Unearthed
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 02:34 am |
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Dear Jodie77,
I have read this thread several times. I notice how invested you are into this relationship both emotionally and financially. If you dont marry him, what will you walk away with? For starters, a broken heart, your personal God given dignity, a chance to live your life without looking over your shoulder to see what he is looking at or who he is flirting with. You will not have to feel a stab in your heart that lasts for hours when he watches movies that have attractive women in them or worry about what friends you can bring home or what they are wearing around him. You will not have to spend time hunting for evidence of further unfaithfulness or hear him try to convince you that you are being hypersensitive. You will not feel like you are living each day as the guardian of his virtue, or worry that your reactions and mood swings will drive him further away from you. When your children get older you will not have to worry about who they bring home and compare your aging body with theirs or their friends. The love you have for this man will have to be weighed in the light of your ability to maintain your own sanity and emotional well being.
I used to have a healthy self image just two short years ago. Now I have gained 25 pounds and have never been able to let my husband see me unclothed (even before I found out) because I sensed his unfaithful heart. I am so ashamed of my body now and am becoming more paranoid as the days drag on. I have watched myself in horror as I threw things, scream at him until I saw flashes of light and said words that woukld make sailors blush. I have slept in motels, in my car, and finally four months ago rented myself a condo to run to because of the rage I feel and my fear of losing control in front of our kids...so far by the Grace of God, I have not. I think of leaving him nearly every day and beg God to show me what His Will is, and the only thing that keeps me here is the way my 15 year old son and his 16 year old son get along and the way my husband is so good to our sons. My husband has no remorse, but is taking steps to block porn on all of our computers which is a start. He is, however, unbroken. He has never felt grief or jealousy in his life which shows how emotionally disconnected he is.
So to him "sex is sex, and love is love". Other than the mental/emotional abuse I feel and the mind games he plays, life is grand...
Ever heard of the term "buddy breathing"? This is what you can choose to do for your fiance if your love for him is stronger than your desire to live a normal health life. When divers go into the depths, sometimes things go terribly wrong. Your partner loses his tank or runs out of oxygen. Your choice is to share what ever you have left in your tank with him until help comes, or save yourself. It makes it alot worse if he is fighting and not letting you have enough oxygen, while he takes plenty for himself. You are not obligated, and you can abandon the attempt to help if you must. This is what it feels like to live with my husband. I barely get enough oxygen and fear that we will run out before help (Jesus) can save both.
In Him,
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Unearthed
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 03:11 am |
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Hi Suzi,
I am sorry my husband gets under your skin. I guess I feel that it is so incredulous that I have to sort through the warped mental montrage that my husband has been living with in an attempt to regain my own sense of well being. I know God is not obligating me to stay with my husband, so any time I give will have to net progress for both of us... me emotionally, and him spiritually mostly. I guess I am trying my best to understand how such a smart man can be so stupid in light of his Biblical knowledge and how I can approach him to do my part to save this new marriage. I appreciate you insite, and do not want you to think that I write to whine. I am blown away. I am not on a pity-party or suffer from a martyr/victum complex. I love my husband for so many other things that he is apart from this sin.
Truly, in the name of God, I am afraid for him more than for myself if I leave. I dont know if he is just spiritually sick, or narrcistic...I am thinking a large dose of both. This is the first time he has ever been discovered, I am the only one who knew, though now our church leaders do. He says he wants help but time will tell, we pray about it everyday.
Thanks for your caring heart Suzi,
Unearthed
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 03:15 am |
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Hi Unearthed,
Have the two of you discussed separation or divorce? If so, does this affect him at all? If not, perhaps it is time to bring up the possibility of separation, as you already have a place to go. While he certainly might be vendictive, or it could be just too painful for you to have even sparse contact, these boys are nearly grown, and, while this could be very difficult for them, they are old enough to grasp age-appropriate information. It wouldn't be long before they could maintain a friendship completely independent of you and your H. It just sounds to me like you are near the end of your oxygen with your buddy breathing. It is important that you take care of yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually, regardless of what you choose to do about his unfaithfulness and abuse.
Hugs and prayers...
TruthSeeker
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 03:20 am |
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Hi Unearthed,
Our messages crossed, I think, as it seemed to be my comments you were addressing. Noone here is whining. Most are in great pain. Only the Holy Spirit can truly lead you in God's wisdom here, and I do not intend to give brash and/or insensitive advice.
TruthSeeker
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Unearthed
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 03:47 am |
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Yes, We have discussed it on severa; occassions, but we did so in the light of MY behaivor because I reacted so badly with a spirit of jealousy rather than in light of his verbal smoke screen/abusiveness and knowledge of porn. It was not until I discovered his porn usage on Easter Sunday that he became really concerned. I also recently took out a very large loan so I could support myself and son if we left and this seemed to send a message to him about how serious I am about the quality of our life together. All the fighting has stopped over the last two months...almost as if the Lord were clearing the way for this to be unearthed and dealt with without all the verbal abuse I was receiving. So my husband says I have a "spirit of discernment" apart from normal woman's intuition and he knows God is using me to force him to deal with this issue.
That is why I dont leave.....yet.
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Unearthed
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 03:55 am |
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I dont think you are brash or insensitive at all...you are sweet. I have read many other things you write to others and never get that impression of you.
Later,
Unearthed
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pcpro171
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Posted: Tue Apr 24th, 2007 04:29 pm |
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Hello Jodie. Just jumping in the middle here to quickly add my one cent ... you may want to have him read this book in addition to what everyone else here is suggesting. The author makes some very good points:
Sex and the Single Guy by Joseph Knable
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"I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases."
--Song of Solomon 8:4
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