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stoic79
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| Joined: | Wed Apr 11th, 2007 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 04:45 pm |
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Lady,
I am so happy that you have found the strength inside you to move on. Only God's power can open a person's heart and eyes to the truth's going on around them. He is speaking to you, that is obvious. You were in a very dangerous situation and I'm glad you've gotten out. Please continue to avoid all contact with this person as he very well may be a dangerous man. DO NOT hesitate to call the police if you feel the need to.
Be strong in your struggles. You deserve the respect that a woman is due, to be loved, cared for, cherished, protected, respected and honored. A real man will give you those things and more.
Those who have struggled with sex addiction are great liars. We have lied to ourselves for years and fooled everyone around us. It does not matter what his family and friends believe. Let them believe what they want, what's important is that you know the truth. Do not try and make them see what kind of person he is. The time will come when the snake will rear his ugly head and they will see what he truly has become.
I'll pray that you continue to reconnect with Christ and let him lead you through life. He will show you the way and your gift will be called upon to show others his light and truth. Keep up the fight and remember you're never alone.
Stoic
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HopelesslyDesperate
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| Joined: | Thu Apr 12th, 2007 |
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Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 04:47 pm |
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It sounds like his only action toward you right now is verbal over the phone. If you are genuinely scared or he starts stalking you or threatening you, you can file a complaint with the police. This does not go any further than a report, but it is kept on record. If you feel it necessary, you can get a restraining order, but you would have to stick to it. If he violated it, even by calling, you would have to report it or you would lose all credibility in the court system as well as him. Keep in mind though, that you would have to go to court after a period of time to determine whether or not to make the TRO permanent or not. I'm not trying to push you either way, I just want you to know that you have options. The police were extremely sympathetic when I got the TRO against my H. They could see that I was scared. This would be a very difficult decision. It could give him the slap in the face he needs to wake up, or it could push him into his addiction even more. Regardless of the result on his side, the point would be protecting yourself. Again, I'm not pushing you and I hope you don't have to go there. I wish I never had to, but in my situation, it helped.
You have every right to be bitter. He has hurt you deeply and shows no remorse for it. The Lord does command us to forgive, but he doesn't say anything about forgetting. I know personally that I have forgiven my husband, but I can't forget anything that he's done. It reminds me how far we've come and how far we have left to go. Remembering shows you God's grace in the current situation. You got out. God is giving you the strength to stay out as long as you keep turning to Him. That's His grace right now. But I don't think forgiveness is something you really need to think about right now. In time you may be able to, but right now there is too much damage and no effort to change. What can you possibly forgive right now? I would give yourself some time before you et hard on yourself for not being able to forgive. It takes a lot to get to that point, trust me.
I know your situation is extremely difficult. First, I really think it would be good to keep your distance right now. Second, he doesn't seem to care or see that he has a problem. But as far as his family goes, the truth always comes out. Matt 18:15-17 may give you some advice. When sin is hidden, it grows and abounds. When it is exposed, the sinner is forced to face it and be held accountable. I still think you should keep your distance right now. But it's a thought for when or if things cool down.
I do think you should get some help for yourself. It could only hlep to find other women to support you. Counseling could do a great deal of good too in helping build your self-esteem and self-respect. I've had these battles, too. God has helped me develop these a lot, but I'm looking into counseling as well. You may have some unresolved issues in your past or your childhood that are contributing to your situation. You need to be whole person yourself with God in your heart. My best advice right now is to try and take care of yourself. Try to maintain no contact with him. Focus on your own healing and your walk with God. He will give you the strength you need to get through.
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Ms.Lady
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| Joined: | Fri Apr 13th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Apr 20th, 2007 09:13 am |
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Thank you everyone for your support. It's really hard because I just have alot on my mind right now. He hasn't called me since I told him about the police so hopefully he will leave me alone.I think I will look into counseling and get help for myself, I have issues just as much as he does I think.
I'm worried about STD's and that I could have possibly gotten something from him.He said that in everyone of his sexual encounters he used a condom. However I had sex with him 3 times and that's BEFORE I found out about the type of person he really is.I know it was stupid of me to jump in bed with someone anyway but I thought this guy was different and I was wrong, now I feel dirty because what I thought we shared, meant nothing to him.His chances & my chances of having something are really high because not only was he messing with escorts and street hookers, & various women, but I believe he was also messing with other men! If he messes around this much, I doubt he uses a condom all of the time. But when we had sex those 3 times, he used condoms. I know condoms are not 100% realiable so this is what's bothering me also. I remember one time he was very sick and he said that he was throwing up clear liquid and he felt really dizzy & that he had diarrhea really bad.He had to keep going to the restroom every minute. Maybe it was just the flu but I keep thinking back to that and wonder if that's some form of STD he has, I don't know but I'm scared. I'm also going to get checked out! Check with my doctors and see if everything is alright with me.
I'm really under alot of strain right now. In a sad way I still miss him, I keep thinking back to the parts when he was caring and ACTING like he was a good guy. I have to keep reminding myself of the bad things so I don't go crawling back again. I think apart of me just wants someone so bad I would stick with ANYTHING just to have someone and that's not healthy for me at all.
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forthelord47
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| Joined: | Sat Apr 7th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Apr 20th, 2007 03:42 pm |
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I'm praying for you to feel the love of Jesus today. Praying that the Lord will lift you up and keep you steady. Rejoice for each day that you move towards God's light and away from the chains that bind you to darkness.
Many blessings,
Marc
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gaylon
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Posted: Fri Apr 20th, 2007 11:57 pm |
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Ms.Lady wrote: ...I have to keep reminding myself of the bad things so I don't go crawling back again. I think apart of me just wants someone so bad I would stick with ANYTHING just to have someone and that's not healthy for me at all. This seems to be a core emotional need for a woman. My wife's cousin was in pretty much the same situation, at about what I would guess is the same age. She finally had to pack her bags in the middle of the night and move three states over... And now, 8 years later, she's happily married to a good man, and things are going good. We would like to see the same for you, so hang in there...
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johnny
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Posted: Sat Apr 21st, 2007 04:58 pm |
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| I am very concerned for your safety after reading this post. Have you ever heard there is alot of truth in jest. I think that joking about bondage and rape is this guys way of subtly introducing this possibility inot your sex life. If he can get you to laugh about it then its no big deal. If he can get you to accept it on a fomical level he can talk you into doing this. and since from your post you are not interested he may force it on you. Leave this man. You can't fix him. He has to hit rock bottom on his own. And anything you do to slow his descent to rock bottom is making him and you suffer longer. Pray for him and trust god to walk with him. You can't. If you stay with him emotional hurt is a given . Physical pain through STD or assualt is possible. I'm praying for both you and him.
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Ms.Lady
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 04:29 am |
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Just to update you guys on how I am. He hasn't called at all since I threatened him about calling the cops. However I'm feeling very lost right now. It's hard moving on but I have to for my health and my sanity. He really would be a great guy if he just wasn't so off. Too bad that his heart and soul is twisted, too bad his GOOD personality was a fake. I keep thinking about the times & the days where he was funny & he seemed to actually act like a decent human being. He wasn't a bad person all of the time.It's just those days where he'd do a 180 and flip out on me. The days where he'd disappear and probably have sex with other people. I really think he has potential to change his life, but it probably won't be now or with me for that matter.He seems like he's really hurt and angry about something. I remember him telling me that he dropped out of college a couple of years ago to pursue his music career. He told me that he was heavily into smoking marijuana because he was unhappy with himself & the way his life was going.He said that he didn't smoke marijuana anymore but I don't know. I always asked him why, but he never opened up to me.I don't think he did any drugs when I was with him.. but that can explain some more things.
After reading what you said Johnny, you made sense which is another reason for me to leave him. When he joked about that stuff, I actually thought he was playing. I didn't think he's the type to rape people but I don't know with him though. I flashed back to something he said to me while I was at his place months ago. Of course he wanted sex and I told him no. He was like alot of people in his position could take advantage of me, but he told me that he wouldn't do such a thing because he's not that type of person. He told me that he's hurt alot of people in the past to get what he wanted. He'd use his friends,use people to get sex. He'd even steal money from people... so he could use the money on prostitutes. Yet knowing all of this I stayed, I don't know why I left sooner. It was like all of the signs were giving to me yet I stayed like an idiot.He'd always make sexual comments about when he gets famous, he'd have sex with all of the popular celebritites,he'd make comments about referring to us women as h*es and that all we're good for is p*ssy! Which made me mad! He'd actually tell me all of this and what we had was NOT a relationship, I realize that now!
I'm sitting up here thinking about all of this I wrote and I read this whole post over and I have to say I was a fool for staying as long as I did. I guess I was too blinded but right now I'm just keeping myself busy with excerising working and trying to get my mind off of him.
I really wanna thank everyone who replied to help me get through this! I'll even pray for my so called ex. Right now I'm going to work on me. I've become very curious in this lifestyle as to why and what goes in the mind of sex addicts. I'm actually reading articles and forums on this, this interests me. I've become obsessed with this topic. Don't ask why, but it's also good that you guys have overcame this condition! I pray that this guy for Jesus because he's very messed up and I'm sure he's heading for rock bottom soon. His music career is going nowhere and I think that's what's got him so angry.
Again thank you everyone!
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forthelord47
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| Joined: | Sat Apr 7th, 2007 |
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 04:51 am |
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I appreciate your update. Glad to hear that you are safe and preparing yourself to recognize and potentially avoid relationships with sexually unstable men in the future. While it's great that you learn more about sex addiction, I can only hope that you also strive to learn more about our Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ. Deepening your relationship with God has lifesaving benefits. I'm not sure if you all realy attend a church. If not, I do hope you find a vibrant church that provides you with solid bible based teaching and the friendship of Christian brothers and sisters that are strong in Christ.
God bless,
Marc
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Ms.Lady
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 07:04 am |
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forthelord47 wrote: I appreciate your update. Glad to hear that you are safe and preparing yourself to recognize and potentially avoid relationships with sexually unstable men in the future. While it's great that you learn more about sex addiction, I can only hope that you also strive to learn more about our Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ. Deepening your relationship with God has lifesaving benefits. I'm not sure if you all realy attend a church. If not, I do hope you find a vibrant church that provides you with solid bible based teaching and the friendship of Christian brothers and sisters that are strong in Christ.
God bless,
Marc
I am currently attending church! I am a christian by the the way. I think tommorow or today rather, I think I will attend bible study which is something I haven't done before. I admit that my relationship with god is not very strong right now but I hope with time, that it will become stronger.This is probably why I'm so messed up and why I stayed with a guy that did nothing but disrespect me and use me. There was a point where I gave up on god and there are even times I question if he's real which really frightens me. I have alot of insecurities and issues to sort over but I hope that my life will get better. I hope that I can accomplish my dreams and find a GOOD STABLE man that will LOVE me unconditionally.
Thank you so much forthelord47 for being here for me!
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 07:23 am |
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Hi Ms.Lady,
Know that even when many of us are not writing, that we are reading and praying.
I hope that you enjoy the Bible study. I find it much easier to make personal connections in a smaller group. Don't feel bad about doubts. I think that most of us have had them at some point. Sometimes, if there has been insecurity in our family while growing up, we mistakenly transpose that uncertainty to God. Thankfully, though, Jesus is always there for us, even when we wander. Not only is He there, but he is the Shepherd out seeking the stray sheep, and the loving Father of us prodigals, straining to watch for us down the road, and running to embrace us, rejoicing at our return.
Continuing to pray for your healing...
TruthSeeker
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Ms.Lady
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Posted: Thu Apr 26th, 2007 05:19 am |
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Bible study was great! It was fun and interesting because alot of people were there and the pastor is really cool! I even sorta made a new friend there. It was just great to be around happy honest people, it felt good. I was also really feeling the topic my pastor chose to discuss with us.The topic that my pastor chose tonight sorta related to me in a way. He was talking about forgiveness and that in order to move on, we must forgive those that has hurt us deeply, no matter what the issue was. In a way I felt like he was talking about my ex and how he treated me. Then again I could just be imagining things. I think in order for me to find some peace, I have to forgive this guy to move on. I don't have to talk back with him but forgiving him in my heart and spirit, I hope that made sense.
Other people gave their testimonies about what they've been through in life and how much they've changed since they gave up their lifestyle and devoted their life to jesus. I thought I had it bad, there were people that have been through much worse, and here I am.. thinking my life is over because I don't have anyone in my life.
Even though it was fun,However when I got home, it sorta hit me that I'm still alone and I feel a little depressed tonight but I'll be alright. I just feel a little empty but I'm praying and I'm asking god to help me find strength. My main problem is I'm always trying to look for someone else to find my happiness. I feel like I can't be happy being single and it's hard, because I have no one really here with me but I will triumph in the end. I'm in a strange town alone with family and friends miles away and the only guy I really had here was that jerk of a boyfriend I threw away.
I was very tempted to call him back tonight but I deleted his cell and home number from all of my phones just in case I got tempted. I was in such despair over being lonely that I was going to hit rock bottom and call him but I stopped myself. I'm scared because what if I have another set back and I actually call him back to come into my life. I don't want that,it's worrying me. Then there's the internet, he's on myspace & facebook. These don't help because even though I deleted him on my friends list. I can always look him up at the click of a button. I haven't done that yet but I'm worried that I might.
So right now, I'm praying and I'm just trying to relax. I actually called an old friend to talk to them to occupy my time and my mind.
I think I'll be alright eventually.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Apr 26th, 2007 12:49 pm |
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Hi Ms.lady,
You are exactly right about forgiveness. In this type of situation I call it unilateral forgiveness, where the other person neither knows or cares that they have been forgiven, but the difference is that I will not allow the seeds of bitterness and anger to grow in my heart. Nourishing those seeds in no way harms the other person, but eats me up from the inside out. Praying for that person, as you already mentioned you are doing, is a great way to refocus that energy. It is truly amazing how God has the right message for us at the right time, and that it can be the exact message that many others need too. A crucial lesson I learned about forgiveness was not even in a sermon about forgiveness, but God used the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart through the passage that was being read to show me that if Jesus did not condemn, neither should I.
Praying for your growth and strength...
TruthSeeker
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