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Ms.Lady
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Posted: Fri Apr 13th, 2007 10:49 pm |
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Hello! I'm in a very complicated situation. For about a year I have been with my boyfriend and at first our relationship started out good. I really thought he was a good guy and everything. He's very chraming and funny and that's what made me fall for him so badly. After a few months he started to change. It's like he has a split personality, he can really be this good guy and then he'll change into this jerk. He has this big sex drive,when we always goes out he wants sex and he gets very upset when I'm not in the mood!He sometimes even get verbally abusive towards me calling me ugly,stupid and selfish when he doesn't get his way! I've tried to walk away LOTS of times and he always calls back or shows up at my place with presents and flowers apologising about his behavior but he always do it again! He is so convincing when he tells me that he's sorry and he starts to cry and he says things like he doesn't want to lose me and that he loves me. Apart of me actually believe that which I think is scary. Another half of me doesn't buy it.
Lately he's been disappearing alot and alot of the time I can't even reach him on his cell phone. He always seems to call when it's convenient for him. He told me there was one point in his life that he used to visit escorts and even street hookers on a daily basis for sex. He said that lifestyle is over but I don't think it is. I'm actually pretty disgusted to know he resorted to using and paying people for sex. I can't even touch him or look at him the same anymore. He calls me at all times of the night and he even told me he was in the car with a hooker one night, he told me that he wouldn't do these things if I have sex with him. I told him that sex doesn't make a relationship and he hung up on me while he was having sensual music in the background with a complete stranger!
I don't care for him anymore but he seems to get crazy whenever I leave him and I'm worried about what he might do if I actually walk away this time.He's really scary now. Even when he acts like a good person and he pretends to be a loving and caring person, he makes inappropiate and bizarre sexual comments toward me. Like one time we were laughing and talking, just making jokes, he turns it sexual. Saying things like you silly girl, I'd rape you and tie you to the bed and I'll have you scream bloody murder. He may think those things are funny but it's not.It's very disturbing to me.
The surprises keep coming, I was at his apartment one day and now I think he's bisexual.I was on his internet and under the website I found a whole bunch of explicit sex,hookup sites for GAY men! Even escort service sites. I tried to ignore it but I really got to leave this guy alone but I'm also concerned for him. He said that he doesn't know what he would do without me and that he loves me. I have no feelings for him anymore but I really feel sorry for him because this guy obviously has some issues. I don't know what I should do. Should I just leave him alone or tell him he has a problem. I don't even think he knows that he does have one!
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Apr 13th, 2007 11:38 pm |
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Hi Ms.lady,
My gut reaction is to urge you to run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. It is entirely possible that he has no clue what love truly is, only lust. I am guessing that his charm and wit are smoke screens for a broken and disturbed man, who likely has deep issues from long before you met that he is running from, trying to hide from with the drugs of sex and porn. As you already know, he is definitely verbally abusive and highly manipulative. Please do not allow fear to keep you from doing what you need to do. Get a restraining order if necessary. Change your phone number. I suppose moving could be complicated.
For the other side of the coin, even if you do not continue to see him, you could print some of the articles from the BG homepage and see how he responds to them. If he sees his need for help, probably some intensive counselling, you may have facilitated healing and recovery that he will take in to his future, even if that future is not with you. Do not promise him that you will wait for him to get better. He needs to do it for himself, not you. If he rejects the information, it is definitely time to be done with him. In either event, please see your Gynocologist and make sure he hasn't shared more than emotional pain with you.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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stoic79
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Posted: Sat Apr 14th, 2007 04:36 pm |
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Lady,
RUN! Fast! Get away from this person immediately.
Mentioning tying you up and raping you IS NOT A JOKE in any shape or form. Do not try and fix this guy, do not stay with him because you feel you love him and he needs your help.
If you believe he is seeing hookers, think of the risks of STD's. If he's making jokes about rape, do you think he'd honestly stop if he wanted to rape you? Do not confront him with his problem. You can not fix him. Please, for your own safety, get away and never see him again.
-Stoic
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alpha
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Posted: Sat Apr 14th, 2007 06:08 pm |
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The guy has his own problems and they run very deep. He's not beyond hope. But you are not the one that is going to fix it. You have your own issues to address. Like why you think this is the type of guy you deserve and why you think you are the one that can save him.
All your "help" and "care" is part of the problem. He needs to face his problems. He might do that if he doesn't have you there to manipulate and control you into loving him. That's all he's doing. Everytime he talks you into coming back. It pumps him up a notch and tears you down in his eyes. He loses respect for you because you would actually love a guy like him. He sees that you actually believe his lies and apologies (His feeling of remorse might be real, but he doesn't trust himself and hardly believes what he says or that he can do better) So whatever self-respect his own ability to manipulate you won him doesn't last for long. He has to go back to feeding his emptiness with more hookups, prostitutes and illicit sex. If he can't feed the emptiness and has to face it, he is going to feel is anger - intense anger at whatever left him feeling so empty. But it's just as likely he'll misdirect at you, and from what you have written, it sounds like he could be violent when that happens. He likes to control because he can't handle the possibility of people rejecting him and deeming him unlovable. So you need to get away from him permanantly and help him hit his rock bottom and address in a healthy way whatever need his constant coming back and apologizing was filling in your life.
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forthelord47
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Posted: Sat Apr 14th, 2007 08:36 pm |
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Pray deeply for the Lord's guidance.and protection. Make sure you are SAFE. You are in my prayers.
Marc
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Ms.Lady
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Posted: Sat Apr 14th, 2007 11:25 pm |
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alpha wrote: The guy has his own problems and they run very deep. He's not beyond hope. But you are not the one that is going to fix it. You have your own issues to address. Like why you think this is the type of guy you deserve and why you think you are the one that can save him.
All your "help" and "care" is part of the problem. He needs to face his problems. He might do that if he doesn't have you there to manipulate and control you into loving him. That's all he's doing. Everytime he talks you into coming back. It pumps him up a notch and tears you down in his eyes. He loses respect for you because you would actually love a guy like him. He sees that you actually believe his lies and apologies (His feeling of remorse might be real, but he doesn't trust himself and hardly believes what he says or that he can do better) So whatever self-respect his own ability to manipulate you won him doesn't last for long. He has to go back to feeding his emptiness with more hookups, prostitutes and illicit sex. If he can't feed the emptiness and has to face it, he is going to feel is anger - intense anger at whatever left him feeling so empty. But it's just as likely he'll misdirect at you, and from what you have written, it sounds like he could be violent when that happens. He likes to control because he can't handle the possibility of people rejecting him and deeming him unlovable. So you need to get away from him permanantly and help him hit his rock bottom and address in a healthy way whatever need his constant coming back and apologizing was filling in your life.
I think I have my own issues too alpha and it's not healthy. Even knowing that this guy is cheating on me and disrespects me, I still care about the guy. I know it sounds crazy but I do. In my own mind, I keep hoping things will get better or I can change him but I'm sure that's impossible unless he WANTS TO. I'm also afraid of being single and alone again. Don't get me wrong I have friends and family who I'm very close to but I keep focusing on my bf's good side. He's not always abusive or crazy, he can actually be a nice,humerous and fun guy to be around and that's the part that keeps making me want to stay.In a sense it's like I block out the bad parts and keep focusing on his good side.I don't think about him sleeping around & calling me names when he's angry or doesn't get what he wants, I always think about the positive. It's like I know he's bad for me but I miss the high he gives me in return. It's almost like we're both using one another and it's not healthy for either one of us. I really think I'd lose it if he were to disappear.
I don't love him, I'm sorta just dependent on him for closeness or happiness in a weird way, I can't explain it. I seriously have my own issues to work out. I've even started becoming a little obsessive, calling him alot and him not picking up his CELL PHONE mostly 65% of the time.I've actually started snooping through his stuff to see what all I can find & they're mostly bad.Then I have to ask myself why am I doing all of this for him??What is wrong with me?When he don't answers his cell or disappears, I start thinking he's with some very attractive escort having sex and I start to crumble inside and get angry.I decide to leave him and here he comes apologising and talk all of that sweet talk and I fall into the trap everytime.The days where he's in a bad mood because he can't get sex,he tells me things like I'm ugly, or he'll tell me straight up if I'm gaining weight or I have pimples.He's completely shattered my self esteem.Then he'll change a couple of days and he'll ask me for sex and I'll get mad. I can't even have sex with him anymore, I'm disgusted by him. I'm so worried about STD's it's ridiculous. We've only had sex 3 times in our relationship and a condom was used all three of those times.
I'm confused it's like I want to leave but I'm scared to be alone again. I know I can do better but I feel unattractive and unworthy, I think apart of me feel this man is all I can find.
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alpha
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Posted: Sun Apr 15th, 2007 12:17 am |
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Everything you are saying is very normal for a person emeshed in a relationship with a sex addict. And it is important that you come to understand why you got into a relationship with a sex addict to begin with. You say he's destroyed your self-esteem. There probably wasn't much there to begin with. Somewhere along the line you taught him that it was okay to treat you so badly. If you hadn't, you wouldn't know about all of this stuff. He would do it in secret and wouldn't tell you about it and use your eventual and grudging acceptance to justify it in his life.
My wife knew I was looking at pornography - I thought I was being honest by telling her. I reckoned my honesty as a virture because it was other guys that sneaked around and lied. But I had argued my wife out of her feelings for many years to the point of her being unable to express how much it hurt her. Her self-esteem was in the gutter. Mine had always been there. That's why I used porn as a drug. And instead of bringing each other up, I brought us both down. Everything I said above and in my prior post were rationalizations and excuses and lies that I told myself first and then convinced my wife were true.
The truth is I didn't know what it looked like to love a woman. I didn't know how deeply my sexual behavior could hurt someone. That's the life of a sex addict. Their hurts run deep and sex is their medicine. It makes them feel good, where they otherwise hate themselves. How can something that make you feel good be hurtful to someone else? They don't get it. I am only beginning to get it as I learn for the first time that sex and love can actually be linked together.
I hesistate to tell you what helped me because you might find more hope in your relationship than there really is. My wife gave me an ultimatum. She had had enough and was ready to leave. She was serious and was no longer buying my sincere-for-the-moment apologies. She wanted something to change. And because she held fast to that and really really was ready to leave. I started making some changes in my life. At first for her, and then for me.
But like all the support groups say, you can only work on you. My wife wasn't trying to fix me. She reached the point that she could no longer stand to be treated the way I was treating her - and was prepared to do something about. She wasn't confronting me from the position of weakness that says, "You need change so that I'll feel loved and better about myself". She was saying, "I am strong and deserve better than this with or without you, you dense-minded prick" (I added the last part)
I'm confused it's like I want to leave but I'm scared to be alone again. I know I can do better but I feel unattractive and unworthy, I think a part of me feel this man is all I can find.
Unworthy of what? It is not just that he is having sex outside of your relationship. He is flaunting it in front of you and using his activities to put you down and further blame you for them. Unworthy of being treated better than this? You think more poorly of yourself than you think of him. Everytime you stay you are basically agreeing with him. He need to find his own help apart from the people that enable him. And you need people that will love you and support you and help you to feel strong and worthy of their love.
Last edited on Sun Apr 15th, 2007 06:18 am by alpha
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Ms.Lady
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Posted: Sun Apr 15th, 2007 09:10 pm |
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I think after last night I will move on. This time I will cut him completely out of my life, if I have to block his phone numbers I will.Like everyone said he will have to hit rock bottom and I honestly think he doesn't know he has a problem or wants to be helped so it's best that I leave him as hard as this will be at first. I have to do some inner soul searching myself to figure out why did I put up with him for so long and raising my self esteem. I feel sorta bad leaving him this way but I have to for my safety.It's obvious he doesn't care about me, I think he just used me to make himself feel better.
Last night he called me 3 AM in the morning. Me being the crazy person that I am answered the phone.He's out riding in the city with one of his friends. He called me because he said he wanted to talk to me. He wanted to see how I was.I yelled at him asking him why he couldn't do this later and that I was sleeping. He said he was feeling lonely and that he was horny.He asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with him and I told him no and to call me back later.I could hear his friend in the background driving talking about, get off the phone with her so we can talk to these h*es. That disgusted me, he's probably out riding around with his buddy picking up hookers again. Last night was the final straw. I mean seriously what gets into a persons mind to pay a person for sex?
So I confronted him about it today and he did say he was with a hooker. He told me that she gave him oral sex and he ejaculated in her face.He said it so calmly and nonchalantly, that really made me angry & disgusted because he has no morals or respect for me or himself .I told him that he had issues and that he was nothing but a disgusting pig who cares about no one but himself.I told him that I was through with him and I really mean it this time, I wanted no more phone calls or anything. He told me bye and he hung the phone up in my face.
I'm hurt and I feel used and abused but today was the final straw. He's probably going to call later but I'm not going back this time I'm not. It's going to be hard at first but why is he like this? Please pray for me everyone. I'm just tired of the way he treats me and are all sex addicts like this?
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forthelord47
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Posted: Mon Apr 16th, 2007 03:30 am |
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I will pray for you.
You sound serious about blocking his phone number and no longer associating with him. I suggest that you post each day with an update on how you are doing with this.
God bless,
Marc
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Apr 16th, 2007 04:00 am |
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Hi Ms.Lady,
I think you have chosen wisely, and am praying for your fortitude in sticking with your decision. All the others who responded to you are guys, who know much better than I the mindset of an addict. Heed their words carefully.
You have not mentioned whether or not faith is a factor in your life. I wish to remind you that God loves you, and has a special plan for your life that does not include being abused. It is very important to reach a sense of wholeness, healing from past hurts, not just from relationships, but from childhood, before trying to become one with a man. It is not two broken people that God brings together to make one, rather two people, complete in Him, whose hearts have been healed by His love and redemption, whom He blends together into a wondrous new creation of marriage. Healthy family and female relationships are essential. Noone wants to be lonely, but please do not fill that void with just any man who comes along with some flattering words. The right one is worth waiting for.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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gaylon
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Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2007 01:21 am |
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Ms. Lady,
Don't go back to this guy no matter how bad you feel the draw to go back to him, and no matter what he says. You're worth more than that. Maybe a year or two out he'll change, but don't wait around for him. I've seen too many girls in your position, and they're still miserable, going back over and over again. Be strong! Your leaving and staying gone will be the best thing to get him to thinking about changing, if he ever does. He sounds pretty darn incorrigible, at this point. Men can change, but you staying will him won't make him think about changing... Move far away, if you can...
Praying for you...
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Ms.Lady
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Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2007 08:00 pm |
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Like I guessed he tried calling me 4 times on my cell phone last night and on my home line. He left messages talking about the same crap he always does. I didn't answer any of his calls. It's hard because I'm so tempted to call him back but I haven't.
I'm also surprised at myself for letting myself get emotionally abused by this jerk. It made me realise that I have problems too before I even met this guy.I have to work on my self esteem because like Alpha said, I didn't have much to begin with when I met him. If I did have high self esteem I would have left him a long time ago. I deserve better and I wish I never met this guy because he seems to make me cry more than smile. Actually he's made me feel worse.
Before I met him, I was a loner and I was depressed in my own life. I wasn't happy with myself. Then came this guy who paid attention to me, made me laugh and I thought he was the best thing in the world to happen to me. I fell hard for this guy. I didn't know his true side until months later.By the time he started acting up, I was already to attached to him to walk away even when I tried.
So now I have to do what's best for me and I have to do some inward soul searching about how can I make MYSELF happy and not rely on anyone else for my happiness.
I know this is a sex addiction forum and my posts don't really belong here but I just felt like I needed to vent.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2007 08:21 pm |
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Hi MS.lady,
This is not just an SA forum. It is a forum to support those who have been affected by SA as you recover from its impact in your life. Post anytime.
I know this may seem like splitting hairs, but it is my experience that the feeling of happiness comes and goes, but that my contentment in the assurance of God's love and plan for my life is consistent through the ups and downs of life.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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gaylon
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Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2007 11:53 pm |
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truthseeker wrote: ...I know this may seem like splitting hairs, but it is my experience that the feeling of happiness comes and goes, but that my contentment in the assurance of God's love and plan for my life is consistent through the ups and downs of life.
Thanks for that comment. This is something I'm trying to learn, but it's coming the hard way -- with attacks from Satan almost daily... Encouraging to see one more person (my wife is one) who lives this approach to life.
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growingfaith
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Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2007 04:40 pm |
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Ms.Lady wrote: I mean seriously what gets into a persons mind to pay a person for sex?
So I confronted him about it today and he did say he was with a hooker. He told me that she gave him oral sex and he ejaculated in her face.He said it so calmly and nonchalantly, that really made me angry & disgusted because he has no morals or respect for me or himself.
In some ways reading about your boyfriend is like a cold dose of humility for me. I was married for all of three months when my wife found out not only that I was a sex addict, but that I'd done some truly horrific things to gain sexual gratification.
What strikes me as very familiar is the description of your boyfriend as being almost calm discussing his activities. He has crossed numerous moral boundaries that existed prior to the progression of his disease. That in itself is a clear indicator to me that it's going to take some time in order for him to develop an emotional and empathic consciousness. I too could talk very calmly about what I'd done as if it were a news article - rather than a damaging blow to my soul. I was closed off emotionally and my continuous acting out completely blocked off my ability to feel bad for what I had done.
It took MONTHS for me to develop a genuine and real sense of remorse. My denial, fear, and unwillingness to unlock my feelings kept me in a state of spiritual bankruptcy. Even now my wife will still get angry at accuse me of not being truly sorry for my acts. It's almost like a balancing act: when our lives on a normal basis are generally led according to God's will we make little slips and feel the appropriate sense of guilt and remose, so we're brought back to balance. But with SA we do really horrific things that tip the scales so far that there's really no immediate display of remose that can rectify things. It then becomes a process of living a better life and allowing God to heal what I cannot.
Seeing women and their shock of their husband's or boyfriend's actions and lack of remorse is really an eye opener to me. It helps remind me of how inhuman I had become by going to prostitutes, having one night stands, going to strip clubs - all for instant gratification and medication of my feelings. I pray I never return to that personal hell.
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junkyardboy
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Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2007 05:33 pm |
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greetings ms. lady,
please understand that everything i will say here is not anything i have not experienced to some degree or a standard i do not apply to my life.
in my slide dowmward into sexual sin and a reprobate mind i found that we men rapidly become control freaks and get our kicks in this manner. the longer our involvement into the degradation of porn the harder our hearts become.
from what you have shared about your so called boyfriend it would appear he has degressed downward to a very dangerous state.
he gets his jollies from degrading and humiliating you and would seem to be a full blown sadist.
this places you in a very dangerous position because his sexual needs will only get more bizzare and more destructive to you.
while there is hope for healing it will not come from anything you can or can not due.
the command from scripture is clear and personal obedience is the first step toward a life of joy and grace that you can have.
if you do not have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ consider the love, forgiveness and hope you can find at the cross.
then you must flee fornication. not being married you must not contribute to the problem by engaging in fornication yourself which having sex with someone outside marraige clearly is.
Jesus desires for you to know Him. to receive love and comfort in His arms, to know joy that surpasses all human understanding. he wishes to heal your hurt and dry your tears. His love for you is pure and holy and was so deep He gave Himself for you.
it is that love that heals our hearts and heals are minds. i pray you will find His rest.
peter
____________________
have we been abandoned by God?
http://www.apprising.org/archives/2006/11/dr_john_macarth.html
http://www.valleybible.net/position_papers.php
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2007 06:11 pm |
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Ms. Lady,
I just want to say that I'm praying for you. Know that God loves you. No matter how worthless you may feel, how badly you look at yourself and how little self esteem you have, you are valuable to God. You are His daughter and He does not want you to be treated the way you have been. As His daughter, you are worthy of His love, His grace, His forgiveness, and His peace. No human has the right to make you feel worthless. You have worth in God's eyes and that's all that matters.
In my prayers...
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Ms.Lady
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Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 04:09 pm |
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Hey everyone, well I'm still going through my journey and I'm taking everyone's advice. I'm going to get more closer with god and to be honest I haven't done that.I need to learn to love myself first before I give my heart away to anyone.
He called once yesterday and left a voicemail acting as if nothing happened. He said he's mad at me for not picking up my phone. He's mad when he did it all of the time to me?? What a hypocrite!! I actually called him back to tell him to leave me alone & I told him that he has a problem and I called him out on it. He really blew up at me and told me to shut up! I told him that if he didn't stop calling me that I would call the cops and that we were officially through, I told him that the relationship was over. As usual he hung up in my face. Hopefully he'll leave me alone because I'm quite scared to be honest. He really seems to have issues!
You guys are right about him being in a dangerous state, I've known that for months and yet I stayed. That rape joke should have really woke me up. I was too afraid to walk away. I still am and I feel lonely but if I accept god back into my life, I know that I will be happy again. Like you guys said I deserve to be treated with respect. Too bad I'm just learning how to respect myself.
I'm also very bitter towards my now EX. I really shouldn't wish bad luck on him but I really hope karma gets him. I know that's horrible to say, but can you blame me for all he has done to me? I know I have to forgive and forget but it's hard.What also kills me is that all of his family and friends think he's this great guy. No one knows but me about his dark side. Everyone knows him as this great,nice,handsome young guy who has potential to be something.Even if I told people about what he do in the dark, they would think I'm lying, that's how different he is in public.He's almost like Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde.He's also trying to make it as a singer. He has record deal and he's trying to make it in the music business. He's a vocal arranger and a music producer, he's very talented but I don't understand how someone with so much potential and obviously a gift be so disturbed mentally? Other than his music career he's not doing much, just putting his time into a dream that most likely won't be a reality for him. Maybe that's the way he is because he thinks he won't ever come to anything.
Anyway I'm confused and a little lost right now but time heals all wounds I suppose..
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 04:28 pm |
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Thanks for sharing. It sounds petty grim right now, but it also sounds like what you are doing is good and important for you. Great work taking that step!
If you are scared, talking to the police or a local women's shelter might be a good idea. The people at the shelter can guide you through what options you have, and help you do things like getting a restraining order if that seems appropriate.
It's too early now to talk about forgiveness, but you may find in the end that some sort of giving up your fury is important, not for him, but for you in moving on with your life in serenity. But that's for the future, not for now.
Finally, addictions and mental health disorders don't discriminate on the basis of intelligence and potential. My SAA/SLAA meetings are full of doctors and psychologists and professors and successful executives. It doesn't make sense that we can be so together intellectually and so out of it emotionally, but that's not an uncommon experience.
Do well.
Tim M.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 04:39 pm |
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Hi Ms.lady,
I'm glad that you actually told him it is over and advised him that further contact would be viewed as harrassment/stalking. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. Is there anyone who isn't under his spell with whom you can talk? Anyone who is a good listener and might give wise counsel?
Praying...
TruthSeeker
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