| Author | Post |
|---|
BrokenDiva
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Sun Apr 1st, 2007 09:01 pm |
|
I am deleting my account and leaving Blazing Grace.
I have struggled to try save a relationship with my partner for over 2 and a half years now. He has been sober for this time period now but his recovery work ( reading , meetings etc..) has been minimal. I have always had trust issues with men and having an alcoholic father who used porn and left me/my family when I was 15 has left deep scars. He knew this .and he lied to me about everything he was ( or was not) . I have come to a point where I know now i cannot get over what he has done. I can remain friends I hope for our sons sake, but to be intimate or sexual is not possible. I am to traumatized and damaged by what he has done. There is not always a happy ending for this issue. In fact there are few happy ending from what I have read /heard
I found out he was NOT the person I though he was at all...finding out he had been involved with computer sex (webcam/cyber) pornography strip clubs ,paying for sex while in the military and thus involved in behaviours I find beyond perverse and degenerate. With my background this was more than I could take.....
The pain he has caused me has no measure. Humiliation , shame , sadness, self loathing ,confusion , saftey.....the list goes on. Not only did he engage in webcam and cyber sex with the same few women over a time period ,but he told them my name and details about me that were private. This alone has done damage beyond repair. He had in the 2 yrs I knew him told me over and over how square he was and how against porn and the like he was. he led me to believe he loved me and was faithful. he told me how much I brought to his life and how hurting me was not possible because i was his soul mate. I was a " FOOL".
I am the kind of woman people look at , I have always been very beautiful and have people tell me this all the time. My whole life in some ways was based on my looks and it opened doors for me and in many ways made my life easier. But porn, sex perversion ,and mens weakness has had the last laugh. What good is it to be beautiful if your partner is looking and wanting everyone else. I wish I was unique in this but regardless of how a woman looks this smashes her confidence and self esteem like a crystal class....how do you put something like that back together...oh "it's not about me" " it's not about the woman it's the addicts issue" thats great comfort 
I was raped by 2 men when I was 15. I was unable to get help b/c I did not tell anyone till years later. I swore this would never happen to me again. I was so ashamed and repulsed by these men. men who had no control. men whose lust controlled them . men who waved a porn magazine over my head as the raped me and told me I looked alot like her. I swore I would never have anything to do with this kind of man or someone like my father NEVER NEVER and look what I did ...I brought one home...I was raped emotionaly by him ( my partner) and everyday I wonder how could I be so stupid ...stupid...
I sob as I write this...but the truth is I cry everyday now at some point.
I cannot read any more stories here of women in pain , with men who abuse them this way
I cannot read anymore stories of men who struggle over and over. The arguments over masturbation ...the excuses ...the denial...the self pity . I find myself without sympathy for any of them. I do not like that in myself
I cannot stay in this relationship any longer even tho we have a son and my partner has been sober since I found this out.
I cannot hardly stand to be touched by anyone except my children.
I cannot be untrue to myself and sleep with someone who would do this to me...
I leave Blazing grace for my sanity...I am glad it is a refuge for many,but it is not an appropriate place for me. My partner has an ID here to and I hope he uses the resourses and support
I wanted to tell anyone who replied to me and who corresponded and gave prayers and advice that I appreciate it very much. there are many great people here and I am glad this site is available for people who need it.
please do not respond with scripture or tell me I don't pray enough .....or to get therapy ( I have been for 2 yrs with a PHD physcologist ) ....
I will be ok ....I just wanted to say Good Bye
|
TimM
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Sun Apr 1st, 2007 11:05 pm |
|
Goodbye. Do well in your new life. Thanks for taking the time to explain that you are leaving for a better future.
Tim M.
|
guitarist63
Member
| Joined: | Mon Feb 12th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 1011 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |   |
|
Posted: Sun Apr 1st, 2007 11:27 pm |
|
Goodbye, Broken Diva. God go with you and heal you.
Last edited on Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 04:12 pm by guitarist63
|
Suzi
Member
|
Posted: Mon Apr 2nd, 2007 04:14 am |
|
Broken Diva,
I am so sorry to read your story and to realize how much pain you are still suffering and enduring. Perhaps you will find a way that will help you heal.
Wish I could reach through the computer screen and give you a hug.....
Suzi
PS. If you would like to have an ear to vent to... I would be glad to stay in touch with you by email. Just PM me and I will give you my email address. No pressure though... I know what it's like to be at the end of your rope. Sometimes nobody CAN help...
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
|
P2J
Member
| Joined: | Mon Feb 19th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 51 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Apr 2nd, 2007 12:54 pm |
|
Sorry you have such a tragic story but just before you go check out the stats here:
http://www.blazinggrace.org/pornstatistics.htm
Please bear in mind that the next smooth talking, tall, dark & hansome heartthrob you meet will also surely have a secret that he's not willing to share with anyone... for fear of losing his life. Men believe that's normal and are therefore justified in lying about it.
Hope you still find the resources here at BG helpful.
|
TimM
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Apr 2nd, 2007 04:57 pm |
|
". . .will surely have a secret. . ."? The stats you point us to certainly show that the problem is very large, but not that it's 100%. It's really hard to gather statistics like this, but I don't think we should over-generalize from our own experience. Of course the problem is large; of course there are a lot of addicts in the world; but there are also both non-addicts and addicts who recover. I think it's important to remember that there are different ways to be, and that people actually find and live them.
Tim M.
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 846 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Apr 2nd, 2007 05:02 pm |
|
Hi BrokenDiva,
I am praying for you also, for the healing of your heart, for growing in Christ who is the only one who can bring lasting healing and will never betray you. May He be your all in all.
TruthSeeker
|
BrokenDiva
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Apr 2nd, 2007 05:03 pm |
|
P2J
thanks for your reply. No one more than I has read the Blazing Grace literature and articles more than me. I am well aware of the statistics. A few things though......
#1 I happen to know and have faith that there are actually many many men who do not fall into this category of porn use and/or addiction.
# 2 At this point a relationship in my future is highly unlikely and whould be unwise. I will choose to stay single and work on my healing and issues I would not be good relationship material anyway. I have the sense to steer clear of that for awhile for my sake and that of my children.
#3 I will in the future be much more careful and tuned in. I will know the questions to ask and signs to look for. That said I have many ways now to "check people out" and regardless of how unethical it may be thought of ,I will do it. my sister has already been doing this and it's amazing how easy it is....I wish I had done this long ago.
Thank you for your concern and taking time to post a response BUT a best of luck without the doom of my likelihood of encountering this again would have been more appropriate at this time .....We recovering partners of sex addicts already live in a constant fear, feeling alot like Chicken Little and worried the sky is going to be falling again....
|
BrokenDiva
Guest
| Joined: | |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Apr 2nd, 2007 05:07 pm |
|
Thank you everyone who posted a reply and best wishes.
I will no longer reply to this thread ,as it is not in line with my moving on.
My wish for everyone here at BLAZING GRACE is health, healing , contentment and wholeness.....
oh ya and WORLD PEACE 
Barbara .....~~~ Broken Diva ~~~ moving back to just being a DIVA 
|
junkyardboy
Member
|
Posted: Mon Apr 2nd, 2007 10:57 pm |
|
greetings barbara,
having spent the last 25 years experiencing the tears that my sexual sin has wrought to so many that i have loved, i too have been brought to the point of a complete reevaluation of the important things in life.
i find great encouragement in your decision to rededicate yourself to sexual purity in your own life and a concern for your children.
i too have found myself single and have decided that God would have me celibate.
i can honestly say it has been the most richly rewarding time of spiritual renewal of my entire life.
God has worked miracles in changing the attitude of my heart and for the first time in 58 years of life i have begun to look at women as God would have me to see them.
though i have not read all of your many posts i can see the pain sexual betrayal has caused you. please be encouraged that there is healing and comfort in the Father's arms. concentrate on the spiritual healing and well being of your children and yourself. you need not be a pawn for anothers lusts.
i know you asked for no more scripture so forgive me this thought.
Ephesians 3:14-19
"for this reason i kneel before the Father. from whom his whole family in heaven and earth derives its name. i pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts thru faith. And i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
how much richer would our lives be if we, as Paul, spent more time on our knees before our heavenly Father.
peter
____________________
have we been abandoned by God?
http://www.apprising.org/archives/2006/11/dr_john_macarth.html
http://www.valleybible.net/position_papers.php
|
Current time is 06:25 am | |
|
RSS