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jambaire
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 05:34 am |
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I have read my experience here time and again. I was looking for 'grace' and I ended up here.
I am the wife of man who is in the grasps of sex addiction and has become a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. We have been married for 14 years and this has been an issue from the first month we were together. I never dreamed that it would affect me and my family to a point that I would look to a website for suggestions and truth.
There have been years of cataloging porn pics in binders (and may binders), with my husband almost being ritualistic with the compilation and the three hole punch. I was horrified the first time I came upon these notebooks. I could tell that a lot of time and effort had gone into them. Not to mention the library of videos, and when I say library, I mean anywhere from 50 tapes upward.
Then came my tantrums of anger upon walking in on him pleasing himself sitting right up in OUR bed. My anger had been so deep that at times I have felt that I would go crazy. I then think to myself, have I over reacted and where is this fear coming from. Fear of being alone, fear of not being good enough, fear of not being loved??
Then comes not only the attention but the seeking out of other women, in the name of friendship and using 12 step meetings as an avenue to capture new women. At one point 5 or 6 years ago he was asked not to come back to a particular meeting. How embarrassing this has been for me to walk into rooms and not know who my husband had 'hit' on. As a result, I have had women ask me if we were still married and were we still together, all the while my wondering why they would ask such a question.
The latest is the profiles posted on yahoo personals, adultfriendfinders and match.com. Finding his connection on his computer and seeing the invitations to meet for coffee and such. AND his denial that anything inappropriate is going on. I am just trying to control who he talks to.
6 months ago he went on a trip and met up with an online connection. They spent several days together and then he flew home and decided that he wanted to 'make things work'. There are many nights that I reach over and find that he has been up all night long on the computer and is unable to work the next day. I also found out that his work has put him on notice not to go on porn sited again.
He just got back from another trip 'to play baseball', and I suspect it was another trist with his online girl. He denies that my feeling that he is actually acting out of his addiction are correct.
After reading on this site, I am now wondering how many lies there have been and how big. More than that, I wonder if my insistance that the man I married is in there somewhere is jeopardizing MY life.
He had spent months in the bed sleeping and says he doesn't feel well. It has become a joke sometimes that he does nothing but sleep.
I don't know whether to confront him one last time and demand the truth or to just give up and ask him to leave.
I would appreciate some solid honesty here, as I too am feeling that desparate feeling.
THXS
jambaire
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P2J
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 07:55 am |
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Hi jambaire,
Welcome to BG and thanks for posting. As a recovering SA I can now empathise with you in your predicament.
Is your H aware of his sex addiction or does he consider himself a normal male albeit a womanizer and pornographer? You mentioned 12 step meetings... Were they sex addiction meetings that he attended of his own volition or meetings for some other drug of choice?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 01:28 pm |
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Hi Jambaire,
I am sad to hear of all that you have and are going through. It is time for some serious boundary drawing. No more traveling without you. No more mixed gender recovery meetings. No more unfiltered/unsupervised internet. I hope that those binders and videos have long since been burned, not trashed where someone else could be polluted by them. It sounds to me like intensive individual counselling, probably for both of you, and then together for your marriage will be necessary. Are there children involved? Is faith a factor for either or both of you? (You I am guessing, as you are here.) You do not deserve to be treated this way. This likely has roots in childhood, long before you met and married. There is no room in marriage for "having coffee" with other women. Do not give him more than one more opportunity to get serious. I am not saying that there might not be a slip in his struggle to recovery, but he must confess it to you, not have to be caught, and he must make recovery the most important thing, or at least a close second to maintaining his employment. You do not want to do this for another 14 years, and think of the impact this is having on children, if you have them.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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jambaire
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 01:43 pm |
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Good Morning. I was grateful to see that there are active people on this forum. I was beginning to wonder due to the dates of some of the comments.
Last night (this morning) I did not want to take the entire page on my stuff. You are right, I pray every monring before starting my day and thank God all through the day that I am alive and have so many blessing in my life. Funny, some time ago I made a decision that God was everything in my life and now I question whether I have that trust. I know from looking at my life that in God's hands all is for good. I also know that if something bothers me then I have to look at my insides.
Right now I am feeling very alone, although there are many people in my life. And very angry that I may be looking at yet another separation. I promised myself years ago that I could walk through anything with my hand in God's.
I have enjoyed the scriptures that I have read on this forum, and believe in the work of God. All of my spirituality has come from my being a member of AA and sober for 15 years. I look at my life now and say exactly that: do I want another 14 years of this pain?
My husband goes to AA meetings and been sober? or dry for 19. Sometimes I wonder what kind of program a man can be working with no moral values and no value of his wife?
Do continue to post to me, this is helping, if nothing else to put this in writing.
THXS
jambaire
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 02:30 pm |
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Hi Jambaire,
I am taking the liberty of pasting part of one of Henny's posts as a template to think about whether or not your H is working the steps. My thoughts are in ().
"Let me list the 12 steps as I see and hear them. I make only
two changes; I eliminate the word alcohol, and where it says "God as I understand Him" I insert Jesus Christ.
(You might put in sexual addiction where alcohol would be.)
1. We admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanageable.
(Isn't his job being in jeopardy just a bit unmanageable?)
2. Came to believe that Jesus Christ could restore us to sanity.
(Is he even acknowledging being out of control?)
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Jesus Christ.
(Sounds to me like his will is very much his own.)
4. Made a searching and moral inventory.
(Inventory, what inventory?)
5. Admitted to Jesus Christ, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
(Is he admitting any wrongs?)
6. Were entirely ready to have Jesus Christ remove all these defects of character.
(First, he has to admit that SA is present, and is a defect in character.)
7. Humbly asked Jesus Christ to remove all our shortcomings.
(He isn't asking for help with shortcomings he has yet to admit.)
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
(You should be at the top of that list.)
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
(Amends? It's just entertainment, right? But you know better.)
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
(Inventory, what inventory? Admissions, of what?)
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Jesus Christ, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
(It sounds like he is up to his eyeballs in quicksand and thinks he's actually in a cozy spa.)
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
(It sounds like he is spiritually out like a rock, snoring to beat the band, thinking he is having pleasant dreams, when, in reality, he is a living nightmare for himself and you.)
I do not understand why I am responding what seems to me rather harshly toward him, as I do not always jump on spouses with both feet, but I just have the sense that he has steam-rolled over you, your feelings, etc. for much, much too long.
Hugs and prayers...
TruthSeeker
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jambaire
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 04:15 pm |
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Thanks to Truthseeker. And what a wonderful name to have. I have spent the last 15 years looking for the truth. Funny, I found the truth in my faith in God.
Something I want to share, I know very well that I teach people how to treat me. In my past, my gauging stick was how my father treated my mother. I do not want to be like that. There was temper and raging most all of the time. Those tapes in my head do not turn off easily; I am working on that daily. At the very least to acknowledge that I am receiving information from the past not the present. I still have to remind myself that right now, right this minute that God has me in his hands and loves me. It is not God's love that I question, but my love for myself. I have been taught also that I must love my husband exactly like he is with no expectation of change; or leave. I have been trying to practice patience and tolerance.
There is a child involved in my home. My granddaughter, and what a blessing she is. I went to court and got custody 2 years ago. Not wanting the responsibility, as I had just started a new career and was still recovering from an auto accident, PTSD from a head on collison. And having gone through months of depression wondering why God chose to keep me alive. I knew it was my time. God provided my with the job, the income and the attorney to accomplish this. I wonder sometimes how gravely affected my granddaughter is from my husband's addiction. She has already made a file titled Granddaddy's Sex File. My granddaughter is in counselling for her years of trying to cope with the pain and horror of her parents being drug addicts. She seems to be making great strides.
I may have gotten off track. Based on what you put up there, my husband is not working a program for AA or anything else and yet he tells me to help other women and pray. I am sponsoring 5 women in AA and you can believe that it keeps me focused on someone other than myself.
I ask God each day to relieve me of the bondage of self and help me to live each day with grace. I pray and I pray. What do I do next?
THXS
jambaire
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 04:50 pm |
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Hi Jambaire,
Ugh! How old is your granddaughter? Do you know what is in her file? Has she spoken with you about what she has observed? Perhaps she should speak with her counsellor about it? Will your H not consider how this is affecting a child? She is watching the two of you and may very well repeat, though perhaps unawares, what she is learning about men, marriage, and about how women should be treated.
Loving your H as is, and accepting all of his behaviors without question are two very different things. Nobody is perfect, and we cannot be loving them if we are knit-picking every little thing that isn't our way of doing things, but violating your marriage vows by looking at and/or meeting with other women is a violation of your very person. As I said before, it is time for some serious boundaries. If he will not acknowledge their necessity, I hate to say it, separation may be the only answer to prevent his neglegent, even emotionally abusive, behavior from further impact.
God loves you beyond words, not because of anything you have or haven't done, but because he created you in your mother's womb. He loves you so much that he sent Jesus to make it possible to be reconciled with him forever.
Continuing to pray...
TruthSeeker
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jambaire
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 08:33 pm |
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My granddaughter is 12 years old. Her file on her granddaddy, she gave to her mother. I do not know exactly what was in it. I will say that she has talked with her counselor about her grandfather alot. She is a different person when he is not around. What I see in her is fear. He has blasted her more times than I like to think of, and I mean screaming in her face over her rolling her eyes. The last time this was done, I told him that I would not tolerate that again. I have sole custody of my granddaughter not joint.
Have you ever been in the middle of a tornado and felt you could not get out? That is the way I feel sometimes. Women, tapes, porn and lies have been a part of our life for too long. I felt something in my gut when you said accepting him and really separating unacceptable actions. BTW I do feel violated and have no interest in intimacy with him for months, or it may be years. There are many nights that I weep with the desire to just be treated with love. Just a loving touch or word would be nice.
This disease terminated his first marriage and it looks like I have stayed too long. Obviously, setting safe boundaries is not my strong suit with this man. Do I even need to ask myself why I have stayed this long?
I hate this disease and all that it takes away from our life. It has taught me a good lesson, that my validation is not whether I am sexually attractive to a man. I have been working a lot on letting God restore my soul, and it appears that I have been standing in the way.
Talk with me about boundaries with this disease. I have spent years throwing out videos and magazines only to see them return within months. If you can believe this, I am just ready to run away. I would love to just throw my hands in the air and drive and drive and drive. I feel like that if I start to cry, that I will never stop. I am really worn down by all of this.
THXS
jambaire
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Suzi
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 10:18 pm |
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Jambaire,
Oh my goodness!!! What a sad state you find yourself in. I know you have been dealing with this for years, but the one thing that flashes in my brain as I read your story is this... we have no way of changing others... There is nothing YOU can do to "make" your husband clean up his act. He obviously doesn't WANT to clean it up.
But we DO have control over OUR own lives. If he is continuing to hurt you through porn and womanizing, then in my opinion, you would be wise to decide what you can take, make plans to be able to leave, and then communicate with him what you CAN allow and what you can't.
But honestly, more than even his relationship with you, I am absolutely terrified for this granddaughter of yours. This is just downright perverse, at least that is what I am understanding... that his actions would be such that a pre-teen child would be able to make a notebook about them? This exposure is likely going to affect her quite adversely.
If for no other reason than your granddaughter, I implore you to please get out of that situation, temporarily at the least.
An addict will do whatever he/she has to do to get their drug of choice. He may promise you many things, but until you know for sure that he is working toward recovery, this kind of sexual activity just continues to degrade and downgrade... My husband described it as being sucked down into a pit and he lost the power to get free from it until it was exposed to light.
If you leave, this could be the catalyst to get your husband to see the damage he is doing and to make him at least think about changing... or not... !!!
Think about this... if you stay... what will change?
My heart goes out to you, and I am praying for you right now.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 07:16 am |
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Hi Jambaire,
My heart aches more and more for you, and your granddaughter, the more I read. I hear nothing to indicate that your H acknowledges wrong-doing, either in his unfaithfulness to you, or his emotional abuse of your granddaughter. No, none of it must happen again. I hope and pray that you have the financial wherewithal, and the emotional fortitude to get the two of you to a safe place, if, of course, throwing your H out is out of the question. No real reason he shouldn't be the one to leave, depending on leases, ownership, etc. Get a restraining order if necessary. If at all possible, join your granddaughter in counselling, not the same sessions, but you get the idea.
There is an excellent site about the roots of addiction and coping/codependence at:
http://www.pureintimacy.org
While I realize that it would take a profound miracle to save your marriage, making the rebuilding intimacy not relevant to you, the insight on addiction and coping mechanisms might be very valuable.
We all yearn for love and acceptance. Are there those female friends in your life, not those you are sponsoring, who can be there for you now? If you do not have a church home, you might try visiting some in your area and see if any click. My prayer is that you may find those through whom God can show his love to you with human faces.
King David had many heartaches and struggles that he shared in the Psalms. Some that might be ones you could identify with are 3, 5, 10, 17, 23, 27, 28, 57, 62, 130, 140, 142, and 143.
Hugs and prayers...
TruthSeeker
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henny
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 02:55 pm |
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Jambaire,
I am a recovering sex addict. God has miraculously taken even the temptation to look at pornography or act out in any way out of my heart and mind. That is after over 30 years of sexual misconduct and life destroying addiction. God, through Jesus Christ, is amazing and all powerful. He can do miracles.
And He can do the same in your husband. But your husband must acknowledge his error, recognize it as sin, and turn to God for help.
He is not doing that. And you know it. I am sorry to say this, but if you don't change anything, nothing will change.
We don't know the end of things. We seldom get to look into the future and see the outcome of our actions. But, a wise and loving God does know and can see. So, our only responsibility is to act on the information we have and make the best possible choice. Which may not be the easiest choice.
I'm sure you've seen the loving gentleness of those who have responded to your situation. The folks here, men and women, addicts and those who have been hurt by addicts, have suffered much as you have. To one degree or another we understand.
Finding this site and listening to the wives of sex addicts talk about their pain had a huge impact on my life. I realized what a horrible sin I had allowed to dominate my life and through God's grace made a decision to change.
So, please understand that no one here passes judgement on you or your response to your husband's addiction. We know you've been doing the best you could.
But, you must stop. Now. It all must go. Your husband must acknowledge the error of his ways and make a determined effort to change or you must separate. I don't say this lightly. And of course it is just my opinion. But you and your granddaughter deserve a life of light and joy and peace.
Your husband screaming at you and your grandaughter is simply the rage that lives inside him misdirected to someone her perceives as weak. But you no longer have to be weak. Pray. Ask God for strength. Confront your husband. Stand your ground. Do not be afraid. God is with you.
This will not be easy. You see, you must change, too. You must take responsibility for your own failures, your own willingness to accept abuse. You must recognize your part in this, your allowing it to continue, enabling in AA speak. And you must put a stop to it.
I send you God's love. I offer my prayers for you, your granddaughter and your husband.
Your friend in Christ,
Henny
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jambaire
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 07:39 pm |
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I am truly grateful for all of the empathy and kind words that have been shared with me. Funny how those soft gentle words are playing very loudly in my ears. For the past two days I have been wiped out. Physically drained.
My husband returned from his trip to play 'baseball' and is acting as if nothing has happened. Wanting to be all lovey with me. He even went out and bought tulips for me yesterday to greet me as I came home from work. I wanted to throw them at him and ask what his motive was- to sooth his soul? I went to bed very early and prayed off an on all night, for strength and courage. I get no 'gray matter' from the response on this forum. And I hear you loud and clear.
I have not taken anything that has been shared as negative, but very uplifting and supportive. It amazes me how God's love is all around me!
I have had two very brief conversations with my husband since her returned. The last one, I told him that it was NOT alright for him to sleep with other women. He said and how many women do you thing I am sleeping with? I said, one that I know of and that is not alright. I need to be the only woman that you are with and I AM enough. He promptly said he could not change what had been done and had to get off the phone. He never admitted what he had done, ie. meeting with that woman. I asked him, what kind of woman do you think would post a profile on the internet and meet you and sleep with you the first time that you meet? No comment. He said, I have been trying to be nice since I got home and that is not enough. I can never be what it is you want me to be! ....Then I look at myself and say am I asking too much- is honesty and integrity too much?
I am telling you that this man has two distinct personalities. The one that I married is kind and gentle and loving and cares very much about me. This other is selfish and angry and depressed! Can I ever believe that the man I married is still there somewhere?
I do know that God has worked miracles in my own life and I continue to see them. Why is it so hard and painful for me to make this break?!
Thank you for your input.....
jambaire
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P2J
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 08:14 pm |
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Hi jambaire,
Re split personality, check out the example about half way through the document:
http://byubroadcasting.org/secrets/transcript/Buxton_transcript_2003.htm
This was an eye opener for me.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 10:07 pm |
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Hi Jambaire,
I do not at all take your position lightly. Indeed I am keenly aware of not being the one who may be facing separation, should my spouse not choose to address the brokenness of the relationship. Praise God, mine has. It ccan only be excruciatingly difficult to consider parting from someone who has been a significant, though painful in many ways, part of your life for fourteen years, having shown enough love that you wonder if there is any left. I cannot possibly know whether or not there are traces of the man you thought you married, but only he can decide if he is willing to seek that man at the exclusion of the angry, deceptive, unfaithful one. It is not too much to expect honesty, integrity, and may I add faithfulness. It is what he promised you in your vows, isn't it? When he says "I can never be what it is you want me
to be!" he does not seem to realize that his behavior makes you feel the exact same way, that you are not enough for him. If he will admit the brokenness in your marriage, I suspect that it is going to takecounselling, not just twelve steps, to even begin to heal the damage. I pray that God will bring you healing, even if your husband will not join you for the journey.
TruthSeeker
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Gettinbetter
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 10:18 pm |
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Jambaire,
Please know how sorry I am for your situation. And recognize that we may not be right. Your husband may be innocent. But I don't think so.
I say that, because I see and hear myself in your husband's actions and reactions. Blaming you for the sin in his life. I did that. I would come home after sinning with pornography or prostitutes and if my wife so much as sneezed I would explode. Guilt does funny things to a person.
He says he was out of town for "baseball." I know this is not pleasant. But I think you should find out if that is true. There's no use going on with the charade if it is one.
When he says nothing he does is good enough it is merely an attempt to put some salve on his own guilty conscience and dump guilt and blame on you. Don't let him get away with it.
We will all be praying for you.
In Christ,
Henny
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 11:58 pm |
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Hi sweetie,
I do not have a lot to add to the already given advice, I just want you to know that it is not you. My husband is a recovering addict and for years I blamed myself. I tried to be slimmer, prettier, sexier, louder, quieter, more girlie, more like one of the boys, you name it I tried everything in my power to change me to what I thought my husband was looking for in others.
As women we try to figure it all out, we long to be loved, we live to mother and make others feel better. that is just the way God made us and often times when we can not figure out a situation we blame ourselves. Believe me I know all too well what you are feeling, I have rode this thing out like you for many years. Fear, hurt, anger, guilt, even hate.
I think a huge eye opener for me was the day I looked at my husband and felt pity, Why? Because I realized that he sick that porn was like a cancer that was eating away at his soul and I knew it was going to take someone a lot bigger then me to heal him and that he first was going to have to see how sick he was. It took God. I really wish I could tell you what his turning point was, but all I know is that God opened his eyes and he is now on the road to recovery.
My concern here is for you and your granddaughter, because until he truly acknowledges he has a problem he is putting you in danger. Please do not take me wrong, I am not trying to be harsh, but God only knows what he is sleeping with and bringing home and God only knows what is running through his mind. You and her are foremost in my prayers and I also pray that God does what He needs too to show your husband what he is doing is wrong.
I know how you feel about just wanting to run away. I have been there many times, but never did sometimes out of fear of being alone, sometimes fear out of what he would be doing while I was away. Sometimes I wander if I had ran away for awhile if God would have dealt with him sooner.
I did set boundaries, I did insist that he get help, and I did tell him not to ever touch me until he could make love to me and not just have sex. He has been porn free for almost a year and I praise god for that, but I also know just like a cancer he can be infected again, but now he is learning to take measures to stay healthy.
As a wife and a hurting wife I had to learn to deal with what I was feeling, I sought counseling with my Pastors wife and it helped me so much. You know sometimes we have to take care of us before we can even begin to help our husbands and sometimes God has to send someone to help them because it is out of our hands. Your in my prayers sweetie....
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