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9206aaron
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Posted: Fri Mar 16th, 2007 11:58 am |
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hey i posted a advertisement a few weekz ago.
i masturbated today, i dont no why but cant stop, i feel very angry about alot of things, i hate doing it, but everything is so wrong in my life, i no there are worse people than me. i went to rob a car the other night with my mate, we never stole one, guts i think! but i am so bored and there is nothing else to do..........what should i do? maybe i am not good enough to go to church, i just cant stick to doing the right thing, is that my fault? maybe so!
i feel so down, right now, i m not usually like this, :S, i no that living the way jesus di is the right thing but i cant, i think that im looking for love in my life, maybe because i didnt get enough, loads of people have done loads of wrong things to me, and i used to be fine, but now it makes me so mad, that they walk around so smug, and maybe that is why i want to steal a car, does anyone else feel like this, i mean is it my fault that i do feel like this?
as for masturbation i cant stop, i really do try but i cant, and ask for forgiveness all the time, i feel guity all the time aswell, does anyone no why that is? i no i do alot of winging, but surely god must no how hard it is to do the right thing?! surely jesus knows how had it is?! do you thik he does? i mean jesus was the son of god, so surely it was easier for him to resist? im not trying to make an excuse, or at least i hope not, i am just listening to the beatles! yellow submarine, i no once you have god in your life it is very diffecult to go away from him, no matter what you do! i feel really quite tired, do you think it is a good idea for me to get rid of my computer so i do not go on porn? the worst thing about it is i know it doesnt make me happy.
I dont feel close to the god, that doesnt mean that hes not close right, i mean i dont even no when god is giving me a sign, or whether its just me thinking it about myself, maybe i am scared and just very angry about things, i dont get how some people have everything and treat people like nothing (not that they all do), and they end up the happy ones, i mean what is the most important thing in life?! friends?jesus? i no i am going well off the subject right now.
i would like to think that everyone could at least try to get on, i see people bitch about people all the time, and i cant understand why?! maybe i have just nether grown up, i hate the fact that we should have to resist sin, but yet we are born with it? it really doesnt make sense, and it makes me really angry the fact that everytime i commit a sin i feel really guilty, i mean just because a person doesnt get baptised, does that make them an less of a good person, i am soory to be having a rant like this, i do believe in god and jesus, but i struggle with half the things the bible says, not to be picking out stuff, i guess most people will get peed off with this, i mean iu hear of all these people that have done amazing stuff, and i think that is really amazing what they have done, but them people, do they have a real relationship with god, i dont even know what a real relationship is with god. i think that i dont ever spend enough time with my bible, maybe thats my problem, that i want everything but give nothing, i like to help people and generally do things that i want to do, i like talking over email, i feel like i can open up  , sorry i dont know where this email is going really, i feel like i learn stuff and it never makes a difference, have i not got a real relationship with god? i also think that god would bless more if i give a little back, i have been on church events and stuff before, that was brill.
i seriously think that i am just really confused about everything, i feel like life is a big test by god, and if you fail that is it. i really dont know anymore, i dont see the point in trying to have a full relatioship with god, if i am constantly sinning and hurting god, but then again, if i am thinking about god then im surely have some sort of thing going on with god and stuff.
finally, i dont no if any of that made sense but i really hope i did, this is probably the only email where i will write this much. so hope i get some help! plz.
i am so glad there is some sites like this so i can, just say how i feel!!!
thanks azz
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Mar 16th, 2007 04:01 pm |
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Hi Aaron,
Wow. I'm not sure where to start. First, know that, as John 3:16 reminds us, that God loves you--so much that He sent His Son to die so you could have a relationship with Him. I don't want to get in to the theology of baptism, but I do not think that you should let not having been baptized make you feel that you do not have a relationship with God if you have asked God to save you from your sin through the sacrifice that Jesus made for our sin on the cross. Yes, you may want to think about baptism at some point, but God loves you and hears your prayers still without it. Do not hesitate to go to church, because none of us can ever be "good enough" to go, except by Christ's taking our place, our punishment. The only "test" is whether or not we will accept that Jesus' death on the cross fully paid for our sin, that there is nothing we can do ourselves to satisfy a just and holy God, but that Jesus has done that for us, and we need to give our lives to him. We love, because He first loved us. Yes, we will have trials in life, but if we let Jesus guide us through them, we will have calm in the storms. Prayer doesn't always change the situation, but often helps us get through it more peacefully. What is important in life? For me, being at peace with God, resting in His contentment, knowing that I will spend eternity with Him, makes dealing with the difficulties of this comparatively short life possible. Very few troubles hold lasting significance when compared with eternity.
You may think that people you see are happy, because that is the appearance they give, but that doesn't mean they are happy on the inside. It does not mean that they know God's deep and abiding peace. If people base their happiness on what they have, or who is a part of their lives, they will, one day, find it all empty. I'm not saying that I'm at this point, but only when we can have nothing and noone but the Lord's love, and can be ok with that, do we really understand contentment. We certainly will never get to that point by comparing our lives to others' lives. David often wrote in the Psalms about how unfair it seemed that the evil prospered while the righteous struggled, but always concluded that the righteous win in the end, and that is what matters. I realize that you are not feeling righteous at the moment, but your salvation is constant, and each prayer for forgiveness blots your sins from God's memory. That can be really hard for us to grasp, because we still remember, and Satan thrives on that.
Is there anyone who would set up accountability software on your computer? Until you reach out in your local area for support, getting rid of your computer means you would not have the support here either.
I'm not sure what your current situation is. I think you said that you live with family. Are you a student? Working, but not on your own yet? Is anyone in your family a believer?
Recognizing that you are angry is a good starting point. There are several things you can do with anger. You can suppress it, which is not healthy. You can blow up, which isn't usually productive either. You can numb it, which may be what you are doing with the P&M. That is clearly not satisfactory. The first constructive thing is to ask the question "can I do anything about the situation(s) that make me angry?" If so, how can you do that? If something someone else is, or is not doing makes you upset, you can try talking to them. They may not even realize that what they are doing upsets you. If they make a change, that's good. If they dismiss your concern, you may need to evaluate what form, if any, the relationship should take. If it is something over which you have no control, that is when resting in God's peace to let it go, forgive, etc., is so important. Yes, people may have wronged you, but it is your choice whether or not to carry that bitterness with you. Each day is a new one, and can be a beginning, as separate as you choose to make it, from the past.
Psalm 1 brought to my attention one day the impact that the company I was keeping could get me in to trouble. We may be comfortable being with those we have been friends with for a long time, but if they drag us down instead of encourage us to reach higher, to draw closer to God, are they really friends? Perhaps your enjoyment of helping people could help aleviate your boredom by getting involved with a group that helps people in some way. Could you shop for someone who is elderly and/or can't physically get to the store? Can you read to someone who is blind? Can you stock shelves and package food at a food pantry? Could you learn to interpret for someone who is deaf? Idle hands are truely the devil's tools.
I also think that you are wise to recognize that you are seeking to fill a void of love in your life. Love is something we all crave, but often seek to fill in counterfeit ways. Sex and love, for instance, are not the same thing. Love is a relationship that looks like 1 Cor. 13:4-7. Love is a give and take relationship, bearing with one another's weaknesses and quirks, while at the same time encouraging growth.
Feelings happen. They are normal. It is what we choose to do in response to our feelings that draws us closer to God and others, or causes distance.
I am praying that you will make choices and take actions that will result in you drawing closer to God. I hope that if you would reach out to someone at your church that they could provide a listneing ear and biblical wisdom more specific to your situation.
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Fri Mar 16th, 2007 04:56 pm |
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Aaron,
I relate to a lot of what you write. I can't respond to all of it because, well, nobody could, right? But here's my take on some pieces of it.
A couple of thoughts on the car: There's a saying in AA that there's no problem that can't be made worse by drinking. I also think there's no problem that can't be made worse by hurting someone else and maybe ending up in prison. Also, part of what the AA Big Book teaches us is that we act out in our addictions because of things inside us - fears, resentments, character defects, but also hating ourselves and feeling guilty because of wrongs we have done. Part of what we have to do to get sober is to make amends for the wrongs we have done. We have to do right and get away from the guilt. So if you want to get clean and you do steal the car, eventually you're going to have to make amends for that. That might mean finding the owner and giving the car back. If you can't do that (though I bet the police keep rcords and you can), it might mean giving a car to someone else. And it's not a choice. The program says we have to do that stuff. The sponsor of my SAA sponsor once robbed a store, and part of his making amends for his life included going back to the store (several years later when he got sober), admitting he had robbed them, returning the money, and asking if there were other things they needed him to do to make things right. So I don't think the car is a free pass. I think it's just digging yourself in deeper. And I think you know that. You don't really need me to tell you that, do you?
About God: I spent years angry at God, and I really relate to a lot of what you write. I was a Christian and I believed all this stuff on paper, but I just couldn't make it work in my life. I kept repenting and asking God for help. I kept going to confession, receiving forgiveness, being sent out feeling free, being told to think no more of the sins I had confessed, and then screwing up the same way later in the week. God just seemed to me to be demanding me to do things I knew I should do and that I couldn't do. I wished I could just stop believing in God and be left alone by Him. I remember saying that unfortunately the only religion that made sense to me was one I couldn't practice.
I know this wasn't the experience of some of the people who run this board, but for me the turning point came in starting to take the 12-step program of SAA seriously. I got convinced that I was really an addict, that I really couldn't beat my problems by myself, that my choices were either to ask for help or to give up and die. I read the AA Big Book, and it talked about thousnads of ordinary people like me who had faced themselves, worked a simple program, and found a new relationship with God, a new relationship with other people, and also sobriety. It seemed like what I had wanted my whole life. It seemed like the greatest hope anyone could have offered me.
What this let me do was to start reaching out. I started going to meetings. I got a sponsor and started working the steps. I started being open to other people. I started getting counseling. I decided I needed really not just to play at believing in God, but really to start trusting God because I couldn't fix myself, so either God would I I wouldn't get fixed.
And somehow that surrender - and continuing that surrender over the following 2 years - acted to start changing me. I really did start learning to understand myself and others. I really did get sober, a day at a time, but it's been 15 months now.
I never had really given God everything. I said I believed in Him, but I always held something back, not trusting Him, trying to have it my way and to be safe. In each of our Liturgies, the priest prays, "Let us commend ourselves, one another, and our whole life to Christ our God." I would always sing, "Amen," but I would always think, "But not everything. It's nice, but not really." But finally, I gave up. I was able to turn to God and to admit that I was through. I had lived most of my life (I'm in my mid 50s) and I had never found a way out of my addiction. I was separated from God, from my family, from other people, from myself. I was out of ideas. I was finally able to turn to God and admit that, admit that there was nothing left I needed to hold on to. I was thinking about suicide - what did I have left that was mine? I could finally turn to God and say,
"It's over. Anything you want me to do, I'll do. My way didn't work. I hope you'll make something useful of me, because I sure haven't and I sure can't. It's OK if you don't. I'm yours and you can throw me away instead if you want. But I hope you do, because there must be something I can do to help somebody out there."
And what I found, from that minute, was that the God I thought had always hated me, the God who was far off judging me, had been there all along, waiting beside me, feeling my pain, waiting patiently until I could finally trust and reach out to Him so that He could respond, not in rage, but in love.
It's still been hard. Facing myself isn't easy. I have slipped more than once in my recovery. But I'm moving forward toward a new future and a new joy and a new peace. I'm finding God; I'm finding my family; I'm finding myself; I'm finding sobriety.
That's how it's working for me.
I probably responded to about 1% of your letter there, Aaron, but that's what I've got. I relate to a lot of what you're feeling, and I hope that for you, too, there is a way out.
Keep coming back.
Tim M.
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9206aaron
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Posted: Fri Mar 16th, 2007 05:05 pm |
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WOW, thanks alot guys for replying, and i think its amazing what gid has done in your life, i guess i just need to keep oon with this! thankyou so much
god bless all of you azz
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9206aaron
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Posted: Fri Mar 16th, 2007 05:15 pm |
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i just want to say that none of m family is christian, and i fill myself with so mush rubbish that no wonder that i cant see jesus through it all, i just dont want me going to church to feel like a lie,
thanks
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Mar 16th, 2007 05:27 pm |
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Hi Aaron,
As long as you desire to be in church, being there is never a lie. The people around you may look "holy" to you, but many are probably just as confused and struggling as you are. Yes, thankfully, hopefully, there are some who are further along in discipleship who would be willing to take you under their wing, befriend you, and not judge you, as we have either been there, or could have been there, but only by grace were not. I have not had many in my family who are believers, so I have found spiritual family within God's family. I pray that you will be able to do that. Something our pastor says from time to time may apply. Often, as believers, we would like the whole world to think and act as Jesus did, but we mustn't be surprised when the world acts like the world.
TruthSeeker
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9206aaron
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Posted: Fri Mar 16th, 2007 05:32 pm |
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thanks mate, i never thought anything was so diffecult but it really is, and i think i want to steal a car because i cant pass my theory test!
i no it soundz stupid.
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