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a_corey
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Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 04:38 am |
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I know that there is someone out there that God has for me (I think I know who it is  ), but I really need to know how this addiction will affect that relationship...I don't want her to be hurt in any way, or affected by it.
Even if I break the addiction today. Will there be any side-affects? (Soudns silly, but I'm just makin' sure.)
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 05:46 am |
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Hi a_corey,
Welcome to BlazingGrace. I'm sorry to hear how much you are struggling.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, since you seem to know her now, and even if she doesn't turn out to be the one, you will need to tell your future wife about this struggle, because if, God forbid, it were to rear its ugly head later, the pain that will cause will be even greater than telling her as a serious girlfriend/fiance. The most likely side affect is that of flashbacks. She will want to know why that odd, uncomfortable look crossed your face. If I understand correctly, some men are so accustomed to over stimulation that they have difficulty getting involved in "ordinary" intimacy.
Have you read Every Young Man's Battle? Or there is
http://www.roadtograce.com
If you have not yet read all of the articles and newsletters on this site, that would be a good start, especially if books are not in your budget, or might be noticed by those with whom you are not yet prepared to share this struggle, though sharing it with someone in your real life is extremely important. Could you talk to your youth pastor?
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 05:36 pm |
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a_corey,
Yes, it will affect your future marriage. This could happen in one of two ways.
(1) You don't get really serious about recovery. You think you can beat the addiction alone. You hide it. You think that getting married will be the cure you need. In order not to hurt your wife further (and perhaps more fundamentally, in order not to embarrass yourself), you continue to hide and battle the problem alone. This is a really common path, and it was my path, and it doesn't work. Even though I thought I was hiding the addiction and it was not affecting my marriage and family, it was. It was making me emotionally distant, because I was covering up the central struggle in my life. It made me angry. I kept me isolated from my wife, my kids, my God, myself. I was deeply afraid of my own feelings, and so I became distant and unfeeling. The only emotion I knew to express, and the only emotion my kids saw, was frustration and anger. You can't be dead inside and alive to others, and I wasn't. Continuing addiction affects us profoundly, and it affects all our relationships with the people around us, and it affects us inevtably.
(2) You can get serious about recovery. To recover, we need to learn to feel our feelings. We need to learn to be absolutely honest with the people around us. We need to learn to listen and to share emotionally. We need to learn not to hold secrets ever. We need to learn how to be intimate, how to be empathetic, how to share with others. We need to stop isolating and to communicate deeply about what is central to us. We need to learn to trust, to be vulnerable, to ask for help. We need to learn to have friends, and to learn to trust God. All these skills are things we mostly don't have as active addicts, and they are things many, many married couples never learn. They are skills that can affect our marriages in enormously positive ways. A part of what we have to do is to be honest about who we are and about what we struggle with, and this can be very difficult at first; but if we are to take this path, it isn't optional. Avoiding that hurt is avoiding all the blessings that follow from it, and embracing path (1).
I have been working to follow path (2) for the past 2 years, and it has been an unparalleled blessing in my life.
So yes, sexual addiction affects our marriages. We have the option to make that affect a postive one, though, if we accept our weakness, accept our need for honesty and accountability, and accept our need to stretch and to grow in scary ways for the rest of our lives. Or we can hide and make our marriages a slow hell.
Having done it both ways, I'm happy to tell you which way works better.
Welcome, and thanks for a good question.
Tim M.
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 06:53 pm |
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I encourage to continue to move past this addiction. It can be done... but the longer you wait, the more difficult it is to break it. The longer you wait, the more "movies" you have engrained in your brain. The longer you wait, the more trained your thoughts and physical responses will be to the over-stimulation drug of choice.
You are on the right path, and who said anything worth having would be "easy"? Nope. Not easy!
But pleasing God, seeking to live a more godly life, well, it's never a mistake! And the possible side effects? Well, pleasing God is just about the best, don't you think?
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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a_corey
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Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 09:36 pm |
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Hey, thanks for the grettings and for the help guys. It won't be pushed aside. I'll apply these thigns to my life the best that I can. And Tim, I NEVER want to follow the first path...
My only problem is opening up to other people...I've ben told that a thousand times, and it just scared me so much when I think about openly discussing this with a trusted friend...
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 10:13 pm |
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None of us do want to follow the first path. It's just the default setting for a lot of us. 
Coming here is a start in opening up. Maybe from there you can move to talking to professionals like counselors or to fellow addicts in person, and from there you can move to talking to people who don't share this addiction. That was sort of my path. Small steps are fine - and even coming here at your age is a big step I never came close to - as long as they keep coming.
Tim M.
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 10:22 pm |
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Tim,
That's a great point...
If we look to the END, well, sometimes it seems like too long a journey. What we need to do is just concentrate on the NEXT STEP... and take that one.
Great reminder!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Raven34
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 02:01 am |
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a_corey,
I sympathise with you but I am not sure you really want to give up this addiction (or if in fact you have realized it is indeed an addiction).
You said:
I really need to know how this addiction will affect that relationship...I don't want her to be hurt in any way, or affected by it.
Even if I break the addiction today.
Without being judgemental it would have sounded more accepting (on your part) if you said "I have kicked this addiction from today".
That does sound a bit judgemental but are you doing this for her or for yourself or both? If for her or both you need to tell her and you have to accept her help or decision not to proceed. She may know of people in similar circumstances and she might not want to "go there"
Praying for you.
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TimM
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 03:42 am |
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Raven34 wrote
You said:
I really need to know how this addiction will affect that relationship...I don't want her to be hurt in any way, or affected by it.
Even if I break the addiction today.
Without being judgemental it would have sounded more accepting (on your part) if you said "I have kicked this addiction from today".
One of the things I really liked about a_corey's post was that he had the wisdom and humility not to say this. It's easy for us addicts to make impassioned declarations that we have just acted out for the last time. I made that declaration thousands of times without being able to make it stick. To me, believing that I can make solemn vows now for the rest of my life is pretty good evidence of not being serious yet.
To begin to get sober, it was important to me to accept that I am powerless, that I am facing a lifetime of recovery, that I need the help of God and of other people to keep myself sober, and that if I allow myself to fall back into isolation then I am always subject to relapse. It's also important to me to be absolutely honest, and I cannot honestly make claims about the rest of my life. I can only honestly make claims about today. I know people who have had slips after many years of recovery.
Now, a_corey doesn't explicitly say all that, but his wording shows a humility and an honest assessment of the difficulty and magnitude of the task ahead for all of us. For myself, I commend him for his humble recognition of human limits, and I don't invite him to make promises neither he nor any of us have the ability to keep - promises about what we may do any time except now. I see no lack of commitment there. I see a healthy realism and respect for what we actually control and how large a task we have ahead.
This isn't to say that Raven34 may not have a different experience of recovery than I, but a_corey's phrasing mirrors my experience in ways Raven's does not.
Tim M.
Last edited on Wed Mar 14th, 2007 11:04 am by
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Raven34
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 04:12 am |
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TimM
Point taken and I meant no offence.
I am a big believer in positive affirmations and actually living the fact. Hence "I have given" up is a done thing whereas "I will give up" could mean anytime in the future.
Too many self motivation programs. Sorry I did not mean to sound so cocky.
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TimM
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 06:06 pm |
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Raven34,
I also recognize that there are people who seem to swear by making bold, blanket assertions of total reform beginning today, even if I don't see that those assertions have a place in my own recovery and self-understanding. Thanks for recognizing that people of good faith and of good will may verbalize the recovery process in different ways.
Tim M.
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Ed Neal
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 08:59 pm |
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a_corey wrote: I know that there is someone out there that God has for me (I think I know who it is ), but I really need to know how this addiction will affect that relationship...I don't want her to be hurt in any way, or affected by it.
Even if I break the addiction today. Will there be any side-affects? (Soudns silly, but I'm just makin' sure.)
In my view, you must reexamine your attitude about sexual arousal and the human body.
I do not believe that a man must submit to the idea that he is primarily aroused visually. I believe that we are, like women, designed by God to be aroused primarily through a relationship.
It is a lie fed to us by our culture, promoted and profitted upon by the porn industry, and practiced by every young man from the time he figures out that masturbation and sexuality are connected (I know that I masturbated long before I had any clue that it was a sexual thing).
We have so conditioned ourselves to thinking that sexual attraction is a visual issue that most of us have never even considered that it might be a lie.
In fact, most of our strategies against pornography's grip in our lives is built on the same lie. In my opinion, that's why they ultimatelly fail to bring true freedom (freedom from even the temptation). How can we be free of the bondage brought to us by a lie if we strategize against the bondage by affirming the lie? It just won't work.
If you do marry, but take that lie into your bedroom, your wife will someday not be so beautiful and attractive as she is now. The day will come when the visual sexual allure she held for you at the start will pass. But that is not how God designed your marriage to be sexually.
Reject the lie now. Learn to view the body as good, and not simply a sexual turn-on. Honor it as holy and made in God's image. Go back to Gen 1-3 and see again for the first time how God views the body. This is exactly what i did... and now I'm free from porn's grip. And I'm still amazed!
It's the truth that sets us free.
Pastor Ed
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Suzi
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 10:32 pm |
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Pastor Ed,
This is the first post I have ever read that explained the "visual" attraction as a lie.
Thank you for the food for thought... and I am interested in the reactions to this viewpoint from the men here.
As a woman, I have just always thought that it was something I couldn't understand... the visual attraction. I mean, sure, we women are drawn visually, too, to a point. But I had always simply accepted that men are "different" and can't "help" their visual attraction because that was how God made them. Visual creatures.
Very interesting.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Ed Neal
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 11:48 pm |
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Suzi wrote: Pastor Ed,
This is the first post I have ever read that explained the "visual" attraction as a lie.
Thank you for the food for thought... and I am interested in the reactions to this viewpoint from the men here.
I have come to believe that the visual response is learned. I learned it and lived it for 30+ years. And since most of us have come to that conclusion according to our experience, we believe the lie that it is innate... this is because we learned the response before it even occurred to us to question it.
I found that by rejecting it as a lie, I was freed from that response.
As a woman, I have just always thought that it was something I couldn't understand... the visual attraction. I mean, sure, we women are drawn visually, too, to a point. But I had always simply accepted that men are "different" and can't "help" their visual attraction because that was how God made them. Visual creatures.
We are all visual creatures, and we appreciate the aesthetic. That part of us will not change, nor should it. But seeing and appreciating beauty and responding sexually are not one and the same.
We are so ingrained with this idea that if we were to NOT respond sexually to the sight of a woman's body, we would assume that there is something wrong with us! Therefore, we intentionally keep ourselves programmed to respond that way (so we feel "normal") and at the same time feel guilty for enjoying the sight! It's a recipe for frustration... and frustration abounds.
If God crafted a man to become aroused primarily through the visual, then how could a couple enjoy a healthy sexual relationship when the youthful beauty of his wife fades with the passing of years and the adding of pounds? But if arousal is to be relational, then fidelity is easier since you only have that relationship with one woman, and the wife never needs to fear unfavorable comparison to younger, "sexier looking" woman in life or in images.
Pastor Ed.
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henny
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 06:52 am |
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Suzi,
You and everyone on this board should know that "Pastor Ed" is a nudist. He believes in and practices nudity in his home with his teenage children. His beliefs run contrary to all Christian teaching and his innocent sounding statements are simply a lure to draw people into his aberrant teaching. He considers himself some kind of "Christian Naturist." They believe its okay to look at other folks naked and even have web sites on the internet where you can view their nudity.
Ed Neal and his teachings and beliefs should be avoided.
Thanks,
Henny
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Barb
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 07:41 pm |
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It is our view at Blazing Grace that after the fall of man in Genesis 3, man no longer has the ability to look upon on woman like he did prior to the fall. In the beginning, man was created with original righteousness, in essence "perfect". However, after the fall that does not and will not exist until Christ comes again. Therefore, neither man nor woman can look on the other through eyes of purity and righteousness; lust will always be a factor. It's the state of the fall we live in, not some perfected state of nirvana derived through some artificial means of original righteousness and state of purity.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 10:30 pm |
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Well said, Barb. Guitarist63
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 11:52 pm |
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Suzi, just a thought but from a male's perspective, the human face is sufficient to attract sexually. I think there is such a thing as "good looks" (hard to define, but true) and I don't think we heterosexual men can look for long at the face of a good-looking female without such desires and feelings being stirred. So I think Pastor Ed's thesis of a non-sexual perspective of nudity falls flat on its face for that and other reasons. I think this subject has had more than it's fair share of space on this forum.
Last edited on Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 04:16 pm by guitarist63
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preacher
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 07:12 pm |
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| Ouch: I'm having a problem with this reponse. Barb, what about all those people who live in tropical climates where nudity is the preferred "dress" due to heat & humidity. Are they all living in perpetual lust because they are unclothed?
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Gettinbetter
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 07:27 pm |
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Ed,
Are you the new apostle for the nudist movement?
You think you can look at nudes without lust. You somehow bullied your wife into believing your nonsense. You have your poor children convinced dear old dad is right.
It is a pathetic ruse to come back to this forumunder another name with your kooky views. Barb has made clear the position of Blazing Grace. If you want to make a bunch of nudist disciples take it somewhere else. People here are serious about their recovery and don't need you clouding the issue.
I only pray that God will protect your children.
Matt
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