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hurts
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Posted: Thu Feb 1st, 2007 06:13 pm |
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I'm posting this here because I want to hear various points of views.
I talked again to my husband last night. Some things were good, but some things were bad.
Good: He is being honest. He is really sorry. He says he knows he's said it before, but this time it feels different and he won't evern again.
Bad: He still likes it. He doesn't think he is an addict. He says he's just a guy who likes looking at smut, but he won't again because he doesn't like what it is doing to our marriage. He is against therapy because he saw a marriage break up because of a bad therapist.
So, I know he needs outside help. I don't even know right now how he feels about God. He honestly thinks he can do this on his own. He won't see a therapist, he won't see anyone connected to any church, and he asked me not to see someone on my own because it is just going to break up our marriage. He is also not much of a reader, so I don't know what reading materials I can give him. He was quite irratated when I said I had been visiting this site.
And he keeps saying he doesn't know why I am still staying with him and asks me repeatedly if I want him to leave. Does he want to go? I don't see that he can do this without help. He says he is going to fix it as soon as he can figure out how, but he is doing nothing, no research, no therapy, no talking to anyone, no ideas. Is he just waiting for me to kcik him out? I just don't see how that will help us.
Are these comments from him a sign that he is done?
What do I do now?
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Billyeah
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Posted: Thu Feb 1st, 2007 06:56 pm |
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It sounds like your husband has a lot of pride. I think he really needs to come to Christ, and be cleansed of his sin. I don't want to sound judgemental, or selfrightous, especially considering where I come from, but there are certain characteristics that a Christian displays. I find it hard to believe that a genuine Christian, likes to look at smut, I really do. For me personally, yes my flesh LOVES it..... but I don't...... and Christ in me, HATES it. And since Christ is in control, my flesh doesn't get what it so dearly wants. Someone with the Holy Spirit living in them, wouldn't want to deliberately, constantly, willingly sin against Him. If he could come to the realization that he has offended an infinately Holy and Just God, and that the wrath of God abides on him, he might repent and put his trust in the Savior, who died for him. What marvelous love...I can't get enough of the Gospel.......anyway back on track here.
From what I can gather, and I am not a professional, your husband doesn't want to leave, and he doesn't want you to leave. When he says he can't believe you stay with him, he seems to be playing his simpathy card, hoping that, instead of being angry with him, you will feel sorry for him, and act as though nothing has happened. That's what it sounds like to me. I know I would have done it back in the day. It's a pretty good strategy to make people forget how badly they have been hurt.
Keep praying for guidance, and answers. Remember, after every storm, the air is always cleaner. Look to God.
In Christ
Bill
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Feb 1st, 2007 08:39 pm |
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If I were just to speculate, I'd say it is all part of the unworthiness cycle. He probably does not want to be kicked out, but feels unworthy to stay, unworthy of your love and support, not to mention powerless over the behavior that is hurting you.
He may not be much of a reader, but you can read and share with him. Be careful, though, as this could simply be enabling him, taking on responsibility for recovery that he should be owning for himself.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Feb 1st, 2007 09:19 pm |
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Quick reactions before an appointment:
I'm not sure I buy that he doesn't like counseling because of seeing a bad counseling experience. Is that really it, or is it that he doesn't like counseling because he doesn't want to look into himself or to expose himself to another or to be asked to change?
See, if he wants to change, he'll find a way to get the support he needs. He's afraid of counselors? Then he'll see people from church. He's against the clergy? Then he'll go to 12-step meetings. I'll bet he has a reason why that's not a good idea either, though.
For him to ask you not to get help for your own problems seems to me to be completely off the table. It is perfectly reasonable for you to explain that his actions are causing you stress and pain, that you are seeing someone to help you deal with that stress and pain, and that you will continue seeing someone about that until the stress and pain end, which he can expect will obviously not be before his visual adultery ends, and which may be years after it ends. Period. Then go do it.
Do his requests about whether you want him to leave mean that he wants to leave? I doubt it. If he wanted to leave, he'd leave. I think that by threatening to leave (and even that in a passive-aggressive way) he is hoping to frighten you into backing down and letting him go on as he is. Ideally, he'll be able to give plausible reasons why not to see professionals and he'll scare you into thinking that more pressure will provoke a split, and he will then be able to avoid ever facing himself and ever giving up his addictive support.
At least, that's how his actions seem to me. I don't think he's done - not done with you, and certainly not done with porn.
Until he gets over his denial, until he has suffered so much that the only way out is to face things about himself he has hidden from all his life and to admit things to other people that he has hidden from them all his life, I doubt there is much you can do to help him get better.
You can look after yourself. You should certainly pursue counseling, keep reading, and build support for yourself among other people. There are various 12-step fellowships for spouses of sex addicts, patterned somewhat after Alanon, that might also be helpful. I think you can model honest caring for yourself in ways that might open doors for him.
You can also set limits on his behavior designed not to police his recovery but to keep yourself safe. For instance, requiring to have access to his computer with accountability software and to see all credit card records and so on as a condition for continuing to live together is entirely reasonable. Do be careful not to impose consequences you are not ready to follow through with should he turn out to prefer his addiction to your happiness.
Do well. You're in a hard place. If I put myself in his shoes and try to imagine what would make me say what he is saying to you, I hear an addict who is still very much in denial. His pain is real and large, but it's still way less scary to him than what he is running from. Until he feels a desperate need from within to get better, I think your job is unfortunately to care for yourself and to keep yourself safe and sane, not to support his recovery. You can't support what's not there.
Just a quick read, of course, and by someone whose only qualification to offer advice is being an addict, not being a psychologist.
Tim M.
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Raven34
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 09:41 am |
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Hurts,
I think TimM hit the nail on the head.
If he is not prepared to try the normal therapy and doesn't like couselling would he try Hypnotherapy? He can do this in his own home in his own time. Take a look at http://www.test4best.com/beat_porn.html
It is worth a try especially as there is a 12 month money back guarantee.
Keep praying.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 12:46 pm |
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Hi Raven34,
Have you utilized this program successfully, or known anyone who has?
TruthSeeker
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Raven34
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 07:30 pm |
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Hi TruthSeeker
Yes I have for my own addiction. I found it difficult at first as I was sceptical but Wendi and her crew were very helpful. It worked in well with my positive affirmations and beliefs.
It has been over 30 months since I last went "there".
I also know of someone else it didn't work as well for. He had partial success but needed therapy and support to get him through his addiction.
It's seems we are all different but this could be worth trying for others.
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Ed Neal
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 09:31 pm |
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hurts wrote: Bad: He still likes it.
My point of view:
If I can speak very honestly, one of the things that I realized when I began to find freedom from porn is the fact that I had to admit that, yes, I do love the look of a woman's body. I have believed for all my adult life that it is the most beautiful thing God created.
But, all my life, I condemned myself for enjoying that sight. After examining Gen. 1-3 again, I came to the conclusion that it was not in the seeing or enjoying of nudity that my sin was to be found, but rather in my treatment of that sight as an object for my personal gratification and illicit interest and arousal. I was demeaning the most beautiful creature in all God's creation.
I found that there is a difference between admiration and degradation. I discovered that God did not create something that was lewd or dangerous to see. I realized that it was my chosen response to what I was seeing, and the choices about what I viewed and why which were really at issue.
(Smut/porn is wrong because it reinforces the lie that the viewing of a woman's body is for my personal sexual gratification.)
But it is possible to learn to understand our bodies differently, and to respond differently... with honor, dignity and respect. I have learned to do so, but it meant (among other things) that I had to acknowledge that my enjoyment of it could indeed be non-sexual, and was, in truth, God-given. This new response allowed me to begin to hate the lies that are promoted in pornography to a deeper degree than I ever had before. It enabled me to utterly reject pornography and live completely free from its allure. This is been a reality for me now for nearly 8 months.
I know that my point of view might be frightening to some. But, after 30+ years of living with that incessant pull towards pornography, I cannot express how deeply grateful I am for the freedom that I now know. That pull is gone!
The truth sets us free. Lies keep us in bondage.
If we remain in bondage, it's because we still cling to some lies that we have been (perhaps unwittingly) holding on to, even as we seek freedom from the bondage.
I have been set free. Thanks be to God! And thanks for listening.
Pastor Ed.
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henny
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Posted: Thu Mar 15th, 2007 09:11 pm |
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Again, I would just like everyone to know that "Pastor Ed" is a nudist. He practices open nudity in his home with his teenage children. He and some other "Christian Naturists" have embraced an aberrant teaching that we are to be somehow naked and unashamed. These folks have web sites with nude pictures and are devoted to spreading this other gospel.
He and his teaching and thinking should be avoided.
Thanks,
Henny
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Sat Mar 17th, 2007 03:53 am |
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Sweetie, I rode this roller coaster for years with my husband. Each time he was caught it was always a new promise a new lie, whatever it took to make me feel better about the situation, and it only lasted until he was caught again. I so know what you are going through, but until he sees he has an addiction and until he wants help this roller coaster ride will not end.
I think the best words I could ever give any wife is "There is a place in your husband that hates porn addiction as much as you do." And like you they really do not know what to do about it. My advice for you is to seek some counseling for you so you can learn how to handle the emotional roller coaster your on with your husband. That was my first step in healing and then I was better equipped to handle all the garbage that was invading my marriage. Soon after with advice from my Christian Counselor and God my husband seen the addiction for what it really was and Praise be to God he has been porn free for almost a year now. Does not mean he want fall, because he might very well do that but he is learning and trying very hard, and if he does I at least know I have someone who understands and knows how to talk me through all those emotions. I will keep you in my prayers sweetie....
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9206aaron
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Posted: Sat Mar 17th, 2007 11:09 am |
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hi i am really sorry to hear about this, you say that he is nt much of a believer?
it sounds like he is lying to himself, i look at porn but desperately want to stop, but then i find myself time after time looking at porn. i must admit i dont feel like he wants to stop, i am going to get rid of the computer as this makes it too easy for me too do. Maybe he could do the same?
i really do wish you all the best with this 
azz
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Raven34
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 08:21 am |
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Hi Hurts,
I've been away for a while.
Any improvements with the husband yet?
I agree with Tears4Us your husband is going to have to embrace this problem before it gets solved. And boy do some of us know that it may never be solved. Just got to go from day to day - like golf one shot at a time.
And Henny thanks for the warning.
Praying for you.
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