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Praise6
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Posted: Thu Jul 28th, 2005 01:58 pm |
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I didn't know where to post this. Maybe there could be a general discussion area.
Anyway, I was wondering if triggers go away.
My husband who is approaching 5 years says that triggers are a non issue now. Can that be true? Has he changed that much? Everything he does definitely supports that fact but can I really believe it?
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Steve
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Posted: Thu Jul 28th, 2005 04:50 pm |
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In my opinion, triggers never really go away. They just become decreasingly "powerful" in luring someone back into their SA behavior. The longer the sobriety and the more hard work one has done in their recovery, the easier it becomes to swat a trigger, temptation (whatever you want to call it) away. That's my two cents after ten months of sobriety.
You then wrote:
"Has he changed that much? Everything he does definitely supports that fact but can I really believe it?
My gutt response is: It sounds like there are still some trust, intimacy and communication issues going on in your relationship with your man. Do you care to share more about this? Would you like to elaborate about where you're coming from with this question?
Thanks for posting. I look forward to your response! 
-Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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mike
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Posted: Thu Jul 28th, 2005 08:22 pm |
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Hi Praise6 -
I took your advice (and Steve's) and created a General discussion topic.
The temptations never stop; it's what's inside that makes the difference. For example, if a man had unresolved father wound issues and hadn't come to the point of accepting God's love in his heart, then the temptations, or triggers, could have a far greater impact.
Triggers and temptations have less effect on the guy who's accepted God's grace in his heart, because with the Real Thing inside he has less desire for the counterfeits.
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Jul 29th, 2005 12:05 pm |
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I guess for some reason, I want assurance that the temptations stopped. I suppose that is a wish I won't get.
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Jul 29th, 2005 12:24 pm |
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Hi Praise.
Again, I'm afraid to say the temptations never really stop. Now keep in mind - just as an early morning thought - that there's a big differenece between "temptation" and "sin".
Being tempted is NOT a sin, and we can see that in the life of Jesus. Jesus was tempted all the time, but never gave into sinning. The sinful part comes in when we make a choice to behave in ways that make us "off the mark" from God's moral order (I'm not a theologian - I trust you get the point). If your husband is a recovering sex addict, I'm quite sure he still has temptations from time to time (but it does get easier - see my original post), but hopefully he's committed to making the right choices that will maintain his sexual sobriety.
Question: Have you discussed this directly with your husband?
I have obviously never met you and know little about you, but there's still this sense (based on your postings) that there's still some healing that needs to happen between you and your husband.
Question if you feel comfortable answering: What's behind this desire for you, on a heart level, to be assured that he will never return to his past addictive behavior?
Okay, I'm sounding too much like a therapist. I'll stop here. I look forward to your response!
-Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Jul 29th, 2005 02:27 pm |
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You are right, even Jesus was tempted. I wonder why that is hurting me right now.
My husband is commited to his sobriety and more importantly to God. I am thinking my blip isn't about him right now. I fear there is something in me.
I need to think and pray about it.
It hurts right now. 
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mike
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Posted: Fri Jul 29th, 2005 02:31 pm |
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| What was your relationship with your Dad like ?
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Praise6
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Posted: Fri Jul 29th, 2005 02:40 pm |
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My mom booted him out when I was 13. I always thougt he just left. He married someone the age of my closest sister, 6 years older than me.
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mike
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Posted: Fri Jul 29th, 2005 02:53 pm |
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Often the spouse of a guy who struggles with sex addiction has deep father wounds, just like their husband. Some women marry men who were somewhat like their fathers, who was often a distant man who wasn't there for them emotionally. It doesn't sound like your Dad was there for you.
You wrote "I always thought he just left"... kids often buy into the idea deep down that "I wasn't good enough or of enough value for Dad to stick around..."
Could your husband's brokeness be touching this place in your heart ?
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Jul 29th, 2005 05:12 pm |
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Praise6 wrote:My husband is commited to his sobriety and more importantly to God. I am thinking my blip isn't about him right now. I fear there is something in me.
I need to think and pray about it.
It hurts right now.
Praise,
I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable. I trust you have people in your "real life" who can maybe help you, support you or just listen to you right now.
I think I know all about "pain" and "hurt". Now I've worked very hard at my own sexual addiction recovery and I'm nearing my one-year sobriety anniversary. In one sense, things are absolutely wonderful living free, yet I still experience quite a bit of pain, hurt, lonliness, worry, etc. in my daily life. I guess all those hurts are still bubbling to the surface after years and years of medicating myself.
Anyway, thanks for putting yourself out there and helping me reflect a bit. Sometimes life does hurt.
-Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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ErinL
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Posted: Fri Mar 3rd, 2006 04:26 pm |
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| I am early into my recovery and husband is as well. I am committed and interested in seeing how others resist the triggers and temptations. I believe they will never go away but will get less powerful with strength, time and my love for God. You're all in my prayers.
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OhioScott
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Posted: Sat Sep 9th, 2006 06:23 am |
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It's been my experience over the last 4 years that the more you understand about your addiction the more power you have over it. I guess you never overcome all triggers, but for me, as I really looked at how my porn use degraded to lower and lower depths, I can honestly say what I was feeding on then, now makes me sick. And for that, I praise God every day. Only thru his glory can I be free.
Looking for help? Feel alone? Check out http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com
Please pray for those who struggle as well as for those who are blind to the power of porn...
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Wed Sep 13th, 2006 03:28 am |
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*I may be posting this in the wrong place as I get off topic so easily ..although the whole forum is the same topic..hmmm*
It is so hard for me still every day and I know anyone on the outside looking in would think how great everything was. My partner has been sober and attending S.A meetings for almost 2 yrs, and swears he has no triggers if he keeps his emotional health in check and keeps growing....He like you Ohio Scott that when he remembers where his addiction took him he is disgusted.
I try to beleive that but it's so hard , I keep thinking that porn and cyber sex were so exciting and enticing to have such a hold on him and that he had acess to veiwing so many womens bodies that how can he not be tempted to want it again and/or be satisfied with just one womans body and just one person to have sex with.......all those years of his behaviour had to have some effect...??
I don't know whats wrong with me ....he is in recovery...I am supposed to be but I am failing miserably ( as a partner of an addict)...I am just sick at heart every day and he seldom suspects as I am the queen of facade. I used to feel so good about life and love and sex....now I just feel sad and disgusted....everytime a man notices me I feel this blanket of disgust and shame and wonder if he is one of those kind of ppl ( so do not mean to offend , just trying to be honest)
Most days I want to die.....just stop the world and jump off.i cannot walk into a convenience store and see magazines , see women like that on T.V ....watch most movies...all of that makes me feel that way....kind of like a kaliedascope...one day everything in my vision just changed.....so much I do not understand ...so much I am terrified of now....
I hate feeling so afraid, sad ,sick and hopeless....and it is exhausting to try to pretend otherwise to the world ...just waiting for the sky to fall again
(I am in therapy, with a Phd physcologist ...but it is at snail's pace it seems)
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Praise6
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Posted: Wed Sep 13th, 2006 01:55 pm |
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BrokenDiva
I wrote this original post over a year ago. I didn't believe my husband was free from triggers like he said. I couldn't believe it.
Yet another year has gone by without a hitch in his sobriety from this. Another year I see growth in him with his walk with God. My husband tells me quite frankly that God has changed him and he no longer is that other man.
By my husband's past actions and his present day actions, I have to believe that it truly was God who changed my husband so completely.
I used to spend a lot of time worrying about if my husband is being triggered. I used to spend a lot of time on what if's. I used to spend a lot of time wondering when he was going to slip back. I was wasting a lot of time and NOT giving my husband enough credit and I certainly was NOT giving credit where credit was do, to GOD.
It took my years to realize what a gift both I am my husband have been given. This past Sept 11 marked 6 years from my husband's first step into recovery. It has not been easy. I think it has been much harder for me than my husband. Recovery is slow, very slow, but all good things take time.
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Thu Sep 14th, 2006 12:50 am |
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Thank you Praise,
I knew the post was older but for me felt very topical. Thanks for sharing your experience. My partner says similar things to what your husband is saying ( has said)
I have my good days, but I have alot of not so good ones to ..LOL sometimes a broken diva..sometimes just a diva..... .....
the isolation is hard, I know few other ppl with similar experiences, I went to SANON but all the women there had left their spouse...so they could not relate to the attempt at rebuilding.
I tried to read some stuff on father wounds , but found it to upsetting and painful.....*sigh* try again sometime
thanks again
DIVA
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OhioScott
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Posted: Fri Sep 15th, 2006 06:34 am |
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| Broken-I understand what your saying about the enticement of porn. I heard it described that sex with your souse promotes intimacy but sex alone provides intensity. Thats the hook - the intensity is so good but then there's guilt, shame, lack of bonding with another, and emptness. My focus is on breaking the bondage that porn had over me. I now only want to live each day for the Lord, try to help my fellow man, and one day reach out and accept Gods hand in Heaven. I wish porn and lust weren't a part of me but I'm thankfull for Gods leading my life. And finally, if all the struggle in my life will result in my fulfilling Gods will, then I pray that it not change.
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journeyofmine_
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Posted: Fri Sep 15th, 2006 07:43 am |
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It's good to read these posts. Good to know there are actually a couple guys here who have had the same experiences as me with triggers and how they change or go away, and being Saved by God, being a NEW man. I've had similar experience to Praise6's spouse and have been saved by my higher power. I know I am not the man I was back then. My partner has a hard time believing how it is for me (which I'll expand on soon), even though I tell her that I know some men like me in my SA group, and some that are not like me and still have triggers affect them. Now she can see for herself instead of having to take my word, and I hope that helps her. I agree with Mike that what's inside is most important. For me it is the only reason I ever went to my addiction. When I acted out my triggers were always emotional pain, shame, worthlessness or extreme emotional disrest. Issues that definitely come from my Father, but in my case even more so from my Mother. I was never really triggered by outside things, it was my issues and emotional problems that did it to me. This is, I believe, why for me, now that I have faced those issues and been in counselling for almost 2 years and sober/in recovery for almost 2 years as well as been fostering a close relationship with my higher power and spirituality that I do not feel triggered when I see a computer, or use one, or messengers which were all a part of my acting out before. Seeing magazines, pictures, tv material... none of this triggers me, because I am okay inside now - I have more work to do - but what's inside is okay now and I have healthy ways to face my feelings and am understanding them and myself more all the time. I also have accepted God in my life completely and I believe that without Him, I wouldn't have been able to be saved and free from this the way that I am. I'll always be in recovery, but I am so blessed to not be triggered. It is a blessing... a miracle. My partners love and perseverance is too. It's as I always tell her... her love and her urging me to have a better life had a lot to do with me coming around to thinking that I wasn't worthless and that I deserved to get out of this and to heal. Her love saved me. I only hope that now that I'm sober that my love and God's love can help save her.
So here is to keeping my emotional house in order, and more importantly my spiritual house and relationship with God in order always! Thank you guys for the posts that reinforced what I feel and experienced, and for the ones from the guys who have different experiences.
The thing to me that I'm not sure is healthy is my reaction when I do see materials like pornographic magazines in the store, or pornographic/soft porn ads like chat commercials... it does disgust me as OhioScott said, it makes me very sick, physically and truly makes me feel repulsed away from it. I'm not sure this is a normal or ok reaction, but it sure beats being triggered, which for me my triggers were all emotional. It actually makes me a little panicky too if my partner is with me because I know that often it triggers great overwhelming upset for her when she knows i've seen it. I hope that one day by my actions and length of time she can beleive I'm not triggered and she can feel better because I hate knowing she is having such a difficult (extremely) time so much of the time. I don't know how to help her, except to live free and honour her.
Anyway, this post is way way to long and rambly. I'm sorry people, didn't mean to ramble on. I'll stop now.
Later,
journeyofmine
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It's not the destination, but the journey that matters.
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OhioScott
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Posted: Fri Sep 15th, 2006 01:56 pm |
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I like the feeling of community available at this site - it really helps me knowing there are other people engaged in battle against the enemy in ajoining fields that I can't see. I rarely find myself triggered anymore - last week I was watching a show on lifetime about a teen who was caught up in on-line porn and had to turn it off. If I was still caught up in my old ways I would have spent considerable time soaking that in mentally but now I know when to "flee" and I also know when I'm allowing a fleeting impure thought to move in and take residence. I'm certainly not bullet-proof and free from impurity, but I feel better equipped to handle the attacks that come to bear on me each day. My only wish is that I could have taken a stand twenty years ago... I feel blessed that God chose to put my feet to the fire and help me see my sins and then offer me a hand to bring me up out of it.
If I could suggest 1 thing to do that would help you on your journey, I would suggest finding a Christian peer you can be accountable to. I've joined 4 other men as a band of brothers. We each have our own stuggles and it's a blessing to know that I can instantly be supported when I hurt. You'd be suprised at how many men are what I consider "walking wounded." They're fresh off the front and have many battle wounds - but all their scares are on the inside. Reaching out to one guy can be the start to a band. Well as I feared I have ramble on endlessly... Say a prayer for the men who have yet to understand the bondage they're caught up in... Bel Well~
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gaylon
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Posted: Sun Oct 22nd, 2006 04:14 am |
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My wife has the same struggles as Praise6 and BrokenDiva. But she has been so good to me, and loves me still. I wish I could yield to Jesus. I believe in Jesus, but my reaction when I try to yield is fear -- I feel like I'm going to get slapped down and rejected -- maybe due to the strict and judgemental nature of my Christian parents when I was growing up. I always felt that way with them, and still keep a distance from my mother (I'm 52) because she just can't help being critical. Anyway, though my mind believes the doctrine of Christ, I feel empty, and my heart is lonely for the love that several have described in this thread. Maybe one day. My wife feels that love often, and describes it to me. It sounds nice. But still she struggles so badly. She's getting counseling, as am I. 6 years. Sounds like a freakin' eternity...
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Praise6
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Posted: Sun Oct 22nd, 2006 02:07 pm |
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gaylon wrote: . I wish I could yield to Jesus. I believe in Jesus, but my reaction when I try to yield is fear -- I feel like I'm going to get slapped down and rejected -- maybe due to the strict and judgemental nature of my Christian parents when I was growing up.
My husband and I didn't come to Jesus until about over 3 years into recovery. For me I was lead there because of the pain. Oh, God had been trying for years but I wouldn't listen. It was the pain that got my attention.
We both came to the Lord in the same month, but my husband was about week behind me. He wanted to be sure. He wanted to be sure that he was ready to "give up" all the junk. He had to ready to make the right decision because he knew it was going to be life changing. He tells me that when he hears of people holding back from the love and relief of Jesus, he wonders what they are hanging on to.
There is only one way to truly be free from this and heal - Jesus. I believe that with all my heart. I tried to heal without him and I got to about 85% I thought I was going to have to divorce my husband because of the past pain which I could not shake even 3 1/2 years into his perfect recovery.
My husband couldn't escape the pain and shame either. It was Jesus who set him completely free.
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