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wretch_like_me
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Posted: Fri Dec 8th, 2006 06:39 am |
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OK, at first glance, this shouldn't be that difficult of a question, but for me, I'm not sure what to do & I need some advise. Let me explain.
My wife does not know (at least I don't think she knows) about my struggles with pornography. I would like to open up to her, but I'm afraid of the timing right now. Our marriage is OK, but certainly not as healthy as it should be. We have our daily stresses (money, work, raising young children, etc.), but one of the biggest things in our lives right now is that we (mostly she) are in the middle of a family conflict among her siblings. She is also having some medical issues coming up that she is a little nervous about. I am trying to be her support & I don't want to add to her stress by dropping this "bombshell" on her as well.
I really feel like she should be one of the first ones that I open up to (obviously). I am also going to open up to an accountability partner. Would it be OK to open up to him first before her? I want to do this soon as I think that this is my next step in overcoming these struggles. I want to blast the doors off of this problem...I am so sick of feeling isolated and in reading a lot of the statistics, I know I am not alone (what was the last one I read? 50% of Christian men struggle with porn?) This truly is an epidemic that we need to deal with as a body of believers.
I would like to share my experiences eventually with my men's bible study group, but there I don't think that it is a good idea to open up to them first. I don't want my wife to find out about my struggles from someone else's wife. That would not be good. Not that I'm insinuating that there are gossipers out there, it's just more likely to come up in conversation the more people that know.
Anyway, does anyone have any advise as to what to do? For those of you that are married, how did you open up to your spouse?
I read an article by Mike a couple of days ago that was related to this, but I can't find it at the moment.
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henny
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Posted: Fri Dec 8th, 2006 08:34 am |
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Wretch,
My advice is go ahead and get someone to talk to about this. I wouldn't worry about telling your wife first. Dragging this thing out in the open seems to have a true benefit. As far as the timing in telling your wife, I'm sorry, I don't have anything of value to put in. Other than to put it in God's hands. He has a way of dealing with things that surprise us, don't you think?
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Ben
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Posted: Fri Dec 8th, 2006 10:10 am |
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Mike's ariticle "Healing a Broken Marraige from Adultery" contains advice on telling your wife that is applicable to all types of adultery. It can be found on the Blazing Grace website.
Regarding your question, my own view is by all means discuss your personal situation with a Christian brother you trust - to help you find what God wants about the timing of telling your wife. However, my own experience of this, was that I got the wrong advice, I realise now - I was counselled not to tell. This was very much what I wanted to hear, despite God prompting me otherwise. Don't use finding someone else to share with as an excuse not to be open with your wife.
Despite sharing honestly with other Christian brothers I fell deeper and deeper into sin. Its much easier to avoid other men when you are struggling. I also reasoned that she could not cope with it etc. At the end of the day we could not have a real marraige with this between us. If she told me 'I love you' I would simply think that this was because she did not know what I really was.
I am ashamed to say that she found out the wrong way - she found me looking at pornography. I wish I had had the courage to tell her. That said, this act of God's mercy has been the pathway to grace and freedom for me. Her love at that moment showed also what God thought about me, and gave me the desire to seek him once again. Its not easy - there are always consequences to sin - I have hurt my family - but I would not exchange the light for darkness and secrecy again. We have a real marraige now - and a real marraige with problems to work through it better than one where you both pretend, but you both secretly die inside, apart from each other.
Ben
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WhatLoveIs
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Posted: Sat Dec 9th, 2006 09:28 pm |
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One of the only reasons I reccomend for guys to delay telling their wives is for getting the filters, accountability partners, sexual purity resources, support groups, and some small amount of time of being sexually pure or sober (a few weeks to a month) before confessing to their wives.
The reason for this delay is to ensure that he does not continue to backslide into porn, right after he makes the big confession to his wife. It is shocking enough for a wife to hear the big confession, causing her feelings of hurt, betrayal, and mistrust. However, after he confesses, if he continues to mess up and confess it each time to her, it does even worse damage to his wife's trust.
Another thing to consider is that after confessing his sin, the wife may withhold sex or even seperate for weeks or months. This lack of support is not what the husband needs, but it is a likely consequence of admiting his sexual sin.
Without his wife to support him, he will need to have filters, accountability, sexual purity resources, and support groups in place to hold him up.
All that said in my years of listing to guys and their wives talk about this subject...
There really is no "one size fits all" answer to questions like: "should I confess?, should I wait?, how long should I wait?, or should I even confess it at all?"
It is possible that a guy's confession of sin will lead directly to divorce, especially if the marital situation is already on the rocks.
It is possible that a guy's wife is really strong and graceful. Although she would be hurt by the confession, she is willing to continue to walk by her husband's side.
It is possible that a guy's wife wants him to tell her everything. And, that she would only feel betrayed if she thinks he isn't sharing everythning with her. She wants to know all about it.
It is possible that a guy's wife doesn't want to hear all the details. She just needs to know there's a problem and that she needs to pray and support her husband. If he shares more details with her, it will only hurt her more.
Human relationships are very complex and dynamic. That is why there is no one size fits all answer to a guy's confession of infedelity to his wife.
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wretch_like_me
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 05:20 am |
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Ben wrote: However, my own experience of this, was that I got the wrong advice, I realise now - I was counselled not to tell. This was very much what I wanted to hear, despite God prompting me otherwise. Don't use finding someone else to share with as an excuse not to be open with your wife.
Ben,
Thank you for sharing. I, too, had received similar advise. A few years ago in a previous accountablity group, a friend of mine said that he didn't think that it was a good idea to tell his wife about different suggestive emails & websites that he struggled with. At the time, I remember convincing myself that he was right, but even then, it seemed that God was telling me otherwise. Your experience made me think of that conversation.
Also, what you had said about your wife finding out the wrong way. My heart aches to think of my wife finding out by catching me in the act of looking at porn. I am happy to hear of the forgiveness you were able to experience through your wife.
Thanks again for sharing. That was very encouraging.
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wretch_like_me
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 05:33 am |
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WhatLoveIs wrote: Human relationships are very complex and dynamic. That is why there is no one size fits all answer to a guy's confession of infedelity to his wife.
WLI,
Thank you for responding as well, you brought up many good points. I totally agree that no one size fits all. But do not misunderstand, that is not what I am looking for, nor what I was expecting. I brought this up only to see what other's experiences were when approaching their spouses and maybe get some ideas as to how to approach the subject myself. Not that I am without any ideas, just curious to see if there was something that I hadn't thought of yet.
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TimM
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Posted: Fri Dec 15th, 2006 02:33 pm |
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One resource I found useful when preparing to talk to my wife was the book, "Disclosing Secrets" by Jennifer Schneider and Deborah Corley. It has a whole set of worksheets on why you are disclosing and why you are chosing to withhold, a good set of case examples, and a much more thorough collection of advice about how to disclose so that both partners feel safe than I would have been able to come up with on my own. Working through these issues with a sponsor or counselor, if you have one, (and getting one if you don't) was also helpful for me.
Addiction thrives on secrecy, and I don't know anyone in long-term recovery who has not found they needed to confess to the people around them; but there are things we can do to make the disclosure work more smoothly and do less damage. Thinking it through carefully with the help of people who know about such things can help. Of course, if that's not possible, then we still need eventually to make the disclosure; but it's hard to conceive of a situation where some sort of support can't be found.
Tim M.
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