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perserverance
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| Joined: | Wed Jun 14th, 2006 |
| Location: | Indiana USA |
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Posted: Sun Nov 26th, 2006 07:34 am |
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| I am in a marriage where my husband is continuing to involve himself in porn. Is there a point in which a man must get to, with himself, before he sees that he has a sexual addiction? I am struggling to stay "afloat" in this battle. Any suggestions for a wife needing encouragement and direction with helping her husband?
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Steve
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| Joined: | Tue May 3rd, 2005 |
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Posted: Mon Nov 27th, 2006 07:14 pm |
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perserverance wrote: Is there a point in which a man must get to, with himself, before he sees that he has a sexual addiction?
Firstly, let me say I am so sorry to hear this report. Regarding your question, that has been asked through the ages and I'm not sure if there is any concrete answer. I try to keep things as simple as possible with this question and so my answer is: When he is finally fed up with the life he is living, he will then hopefully seek change for himself.
I am struggling to stay "afloat" in this battle.
Right now, my greater concern is for YOU, not him. How are YOU doing through all of this? How bad is the living situation at home? (I know this is a tough question. Feel free to answer as you feel comfortable.) Tell us what a regular day is like with your husband. What kind of support do you have right now?
Also, it's important to ask these questions and please don't minimize how bad things are. That's a common practice for partners of sex addicts ...
- Is he being emotionally abusive?
- Is he being physically abusive?
- Are you walking on eggshells around him?
- Is he forcing you to do sexual acts against your will or desire?
- Is he boldly viewing porn in the house against your wishes?
Any suggestions for a wife needing encouragement and direction with helping her husband?
Friend, I don't think you can help your husband right now. If he is the average sex addict who doesn't even see a need to change, the only thing that will help him is if God intervenes and "smacks him on the side of the head" with the consequences of his addiction. Only God can open his eyes to what he is doing to himself, to you, his marriage, his family, etc.
I'll also add that in some cases, a wife threatening to leave the marriage is the event that acts as a wake-up call for a man to see he needs help. This, of course, is a very complicated issue that would need to be bathed in prayer and supported in wise counsel.
Again, I am so sorry about what you are going through. Feel free to comment, clarify and respond to anything in my reply.
All the best,
Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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perserverance
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Posted: Tue Nov 28th, 2006 06:34 pm |
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| A regular day huh...ok, well nothing seems "regular" anymore to begin with. However on a weekday when he goes off to work, I am at home with our two youngest and another baby that I watch. He is a courier for a delivery company, so he is gone usually until 6:30 or so at night. The older two come home from school and another boy that I watch after school. Yes making the total 6. Call it insane, who knows! So that is what devours my time....kids!!! So when things are "fine" between us, we try to spend time as a family in the evenings. But when this ever continual cycle rears itself ugly self...the day/evening would go as follows. The other night he came home from work, earphones lodged deep within his skull, blaring music. He walked through the door went straight back to the bedroom and began "putting things away". There was no acknowledgement of me nor the kids. Then once that was accomplished, self-concentrated time...spent either on the computer or playing his XBox. The kids were wanting to spend time with him but he just ignored them. So I asked if he would like to spend any time with them because by that time it was about 20 minutes before bedtime. With a reluctance, he pulled himself from his OWN thing and did play with them. Now last night, he did what needed to be done with them (bedtime routine) but not once did he attempt to engage in any conversation with me once they were in bed. And again this morning...nothing. I went yesterday afternoon to meet with a woman, Pastor and counselor, who it turns out that she has been in a marriage for over 30 years, where her husband has had numerous affairs. It was wonderful to not feel so crazy...that is the best word to describe it. We talked for several hours, prayed, and something happened...For once, I do not feel it my responsibility to "fix" him anymore. This is bigger than me and is something that only he (with God's help) will overcome. What I don't know at this point, is where I fit in...where the family fits in. Through this woman's experiences and her dedication to trust God, she still suffers at times over all of the hurt and pain caused by the lies and deception. Though she reminds me that her ability to keep on is trusting in "The Living God". When she feels weak, she just goes to her Father and clings to His hand. So now, after hearing first hand how a life being married to someone so addicted is even with Christ's help...I find myself questioning. Am I able? How will the kids' lives be affected? Does God want more for us? I just don't know...I seek discernment.
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