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justme
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Posted: Fri Aug 11th, 2006 08:50 am |
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My husband and I are in addiction support groups at our church. The group has helped me a lot in dealing with his sexual addiction. I have also begun some counseling with a woman at our church. She explained to me that for my husband to truly be free from the addiction that he has to want to live his life in a way that is pleasing to God and not just to be trying to please me. I understand this and I'm trying to "back off" and not try to micro-manage him. I know I can't be his Holy Spirit. My husband has made progress and we are able to talk about some very sensitive issues now that in the past there's no way we'd be able to talk about. If anyone talked to my husband I'm sure he would insist he isn't "acting out" in any way. But, to me, he seems to be walking right on the edge of the addiction still. For example, yesterday he brought home two movies. One was an action movie rated PG and the other was unrated--not sure what that means. The movie is called "Merlin" if anyone has seen it. I didn't say anything about his choice of movies, but I noticed that on the back of both movies it mentioned the "beautiful woman" who was in each movie. I didn't watch the movies with him, but what little I did glimpse of the Merlin movie when I came into the room was a young man and a girl in bed having sex. My husband's way of dealing with this was to fast-forward through the scene, so he saw what was going on, but just saw it speeded up. The other scene I saw mentioned that a young man had had sex the night before with a girl who, unbeknownst to him was his long-lost sister. I assume that sex scene was shown as well. The next movie wasn't quite as bad as this one, but featured a sexy-looking girl in a low-cut top in an adventure in the desert with two guys. Whew! Any woman married to a recovering sex addict probably knows how tough it was not to react to this stuff, but I didn't say anything. Today he mentioned the movies--said that "Merlin" wasn't as good as he thought it would be but made no mention of any objectionable scenes. Also, there's a new talent contest on tv now with Regis Philbin as the host. I hadn't seen it but read last week that there had been strippers on the show stripping as their talent. I mentioned this to my husband a few days ago thinking (hoping?) he wouldn't want to watch it. Well, tonight he was watching it and at first there was nothing bad on there. I came back into the room and there was a man on and I asked what his talent was. My husband had heard the intro so he told me that the man was a magician and apparently had a bunch of half-naked women on with him. He changed the channel and I went out of the room and noticed that he had changed it back a few seconds later and probably saw what he had referred to as "half-naked" women. I haven't said anything--I suppose there's no point. I can't be his conscience. I think he has the guys in his group at church thinking he has control of the addiction. Any input on this anyone? It sure hurts to see him behaving this way after all the things we have been through because of this stuff
Just Me
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Aug 11th, 2006 05:02 pm |
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Just Me, thanks for posting this.
Confront him. Share your exact concerns with him as you posted in this thread. If he is serious about his recovery, he will apologize, make necessary changes, and do some reflective work on whether he needs to set boundaries for himself with TV and movie viewing. To be frank, if you feel uncomfortable with it, then that should definitely be enough for him to change his ways.
Your relationship with him will only be as strong as you feel comfortable sharing your heart with him. Don't sweep this under the rug. Share "I statements" - "I felt hurt and unsafe knowing there was a possibility that there might be strippers on that TV show." - "When I noticed you flipped back, I felt hurt and angry because it looked like classic addictive behavior to me ... trying to get a 'second look' at a pretty woman on TV." - "I don't feel comfortable at all knowing your are renting movies that have any kind of nudity or sex scenes in them."
Don't buy his B.S.
Don't let him change the subject.
Don't let him manipulate, lie or turn it around so you feel guilty or the "bad guy."
Again, if he's serious about his recovery, he will take your feedback soberly and humbly do what is necessary to make things right.
-Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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HealingRain
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Posted: Fri Aug 11th, 2006 06:03 pm |
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I agree with Steve.. confront him. Don't let this go. Yes, you can't be his conscience, but you can be yours. If you are uncomfortable with it.. tell him!
We just had to address this sorta thing here too. I have a very hard time with all the "half naked" women... but you can't avoid them... They are EVERYWHERE. You can discuss it though. Tell him how you feel. I know the show you are talking about with Regis... DH watches it too. The day the stripper came on, we were sitting together and he looked over at me, back at the tv... and turned it off. I didnt have to say anything or even look at him. That meant the world to me. We went to blockbuster on sunday... and boy was that a painful experience for me... Dh, did great though. He didn't try to rent any thing with questionable material... well except wedding crashers, but that was my idea... and well, was a wrong one, but once again.. dh did great.
I think what I am saying here is... DH knows exactly how I feel about this, and is respecting that. Maybe if you talk openely with your DH he can do the same? Its quite possible he doesn't know all this "inocent" stuff is bothering you. I say "innocent" because some see it as just tv... we know better.
You have to be just as honest with him as you want him to be with you... that includes whats bothering you about his behavior.
Let us know how things go.
And as always, you guys are in my prayers!
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mike
Administrator
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Posted: Fri Aug 11th, 2006 06:31 pm |
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In the autobiography of Oswald Chambers, the story is told of where a man and his wife who were employed by Chambers in his Bible College were stealing food and linens from the B.C..
Chambers knew about it, but rather than confront them directly, he prayed and asked God to convict them. This went on over a period of several weeks; food and linen continued to disappear as Oswald prayed.
One day, the man came to Oswald, broken and repentant, and confessed his sin. If I remember right, this guy and his wife weren't Christians, and Oswald used that moment to lead them to the Lord.
Before confronting your husband, I would suggest you consider taking several quiet moments in God's Presence, and ask Him what He wants you to do. If you get a sense of restraint, then I would say to wait and continue asking that the Lord convicts your husband. If not, then ask Him for the wisdom, words and timing for the next step, which I assume would be to confront your husband
There have been times when my wife or I needed to confront each other, and God used it, and there have been times when either of us were working from our own flesh and jumped on the other, and it turned out badly.
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mike
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Posted: Fri Aug 11th, 2006 06:35 pm |
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| PS - you might consider asking the Lord what He wants you to learn or understand from this situation.
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justme
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Posted: Fri Aug 11th, 2006 07:06 pm |
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Mike and Healingrain,
Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply. Mike, you make a very good point about spending time asking God what He wants me to learn from this. Last week I was seeking God about the situation and He directed me to read Exodus 17:11&12: "As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses hands grew tired they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up--one on one side and one on the other--so that his hands remained steady till sunset."
I asked God how these verses applied to me and I feel that He told me that Moses was winning when his hands were up because he was holding his arms up to God and saying in effect, "God, I give up. You handle this!"
The "rock" I'm to rest on is Jesus and I feel like the Lord showed me that when I get tired I need others to hold my hands up--guess that means getting others to pray for our situation. I sure can't handle it alone!
There have been quite a few times over the past few months that I have let my husband know when things bothered me and I know I needed to do that. As I posted on here recently, there was a website he went to that bothered me. I told him it bothered me and he stopped going there. Sometimes I get so weary and fearful--fearful that he'll go back into the addiction, of course. It helps so much to have a Christian group like this online to share with when I can't be in my real time group.
So, I know God wants me to trust Him to handle things this time--at least I know it at the moment. I may be tempted to handle it myself if my husband brings home another movie. :> Every situation is different and I know that's why it's so important to be constantly seeking God. I feel like quite possibly the Lord is saying that if I can step back this time that He will deal with my husband in a lasting way. I know God wants my husband to stay away from the addiction when I'm not around as well as when I'm with him. It is very hard though, trying to have closeness when I don't have trust in my husband. I know at this point he hasn't been consistently trustworthy, so there's not a lot to build on there.
Thank you for your prayers.
Just Me
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mike
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Posted: Fri Aug 11th, 2006 09:32 pm |
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>Every situation is different and I know that's why it's so important to be constantly seeking God.
Amen Sister. Jesus changes lives.
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