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brokenhearted
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Posted: Thu Jul 20th, 2006 05:11 pm |
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It has been awhile since I have been to this site, my life has been so complicated. My Dad passed away in late December, and my Mother's health has been on a steady decline, requiring Dr. appts, as well as surgeries. I have been trying to roll with the punches so to speak...not litterally, but mentally for quite some time. My HB has no idea of what I know as to what he has done or what he has been doing, and I am at the point of a total confrontation of all that has been building since the day of my Dad's passing. I know that the morning that he passed away, my HB was online just 20 minutes before I recieved the dreaded phone call. I also know that he was online while I went to be with the family. He sends me out to get something for him, so that he can go online, and he can hit several sites in a very short period, and then says that he did not even turn on the computer, usually erasing all tracks, but not always, which is a real give away. Every time I am not at home, he surfs...he chats...and I do not know what it is leading to, maybe I do not want to believe what it is leading to, but I do know what is is doing to me and my mental state. I came across 2 profiles that he set up while I was with my Mother, either at Dr appts, or at the hospital. Both are listed as "married but looking", one has a photo, and the other has his hobbies listed as watching web cams of women and couples. He has an email set up that he does not know that I know about, and has subscribed to 2 dating sites. He has never gone out on me, that I know of, but he has been a big flirt, and also has a very addictive personality. I also need to say that we have been married for 26 1/2 yrs, of which he continually brags on, and seems very proud of that fact. He tells everyone that will listen, that he has the best wife, and that he will never let me go. He has also told me that he would never stray, or look elsewhere,because he has everything that he wants or needs right here at home. We got into a really big argument a few months back, over porn, and he went as far as grabbing a suitcase to pack his clothes and walk out the door...I told him to go...shed no tears, and left the room, he followed me, and never did leave. I also need to mention that we each have our own computers, and that yes, if I get the gut feeling that something has been going on, I do check his...maybe I am wrong, but I can not stop myself from checking. My minister's wife said that I have every right to, as it is in our home, and what is his is mine, and mine...his. I have never had a problem with him getting on mine, I wish he would...maybe he would see this site, I have told him about it...but as they say, you can lead a horse to water... In one of our battles over this topic, he admitted to me that it was his problem, it had nothing to do with me, that he is a voyuer at heart, and likes to watch, that he is true to me, and that I have a complex, because it should not bother me, as it does not, or should not affect me, but I now feel that he has taken it to a whole new level. And he lies to me so easily, usually that is when I get the urge to check...and I have never not found something on the computer when I follow my instincts. Please help me with this, I guess what I really need is support, and advice on how to go about what I know I need to do. Thank-You
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If you let people take a piece of you, what is left of you?
Expect nothing and you will not be dissapointed!
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Thu Jul 20th, 2006 08:44 pm |
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| Just want you to know I said a prayer for you. I'm in no position to give advice on this one .... heading off to marriage mentoring next week. (YAY)
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 04:40 am |
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Does he profess to be a believer? If so, he needs to be confronted with the fact that looking is lust, and lust is infidelity. He needs to let you put accountability software on both computers, such as SafeEyes, with you as administrator. History can be stored on the web, and cannot be erased. Even instant messaging can be logged. See the Resources forum for a coupon code.
This is, of course, only addressing the acting out, not his heart, which is where he must get counselling to deal with the roots of the addiction.
TruthSeeker
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Elizabeth
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 06:44 am |
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Dear Brokenhearted,
Isaiah 61:1-3 says, "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord, and the day of vengenance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauth for ashes, the oil of jooy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified."
This verse was given specifically to the nation of Israel, but it can have spiritual application as well.
So sorry to hear of your hurting heart. I know that pain and feel it still. Glad to hear you want "sound advice." To accept less is to err. Your husband should be so wise. He is a captive of lust, but there is a way out.
Tell your husband this truth:
"Be not deceived: God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Galatians 6:7
He cannot sow weeds and expect to reap wheat. Likewise, he cannot sow sin and expect to reap righteousness in himself. This is the simple law of sowing and reaping that the Lord God established and it cannot be changed. (Just ask any farmer.) He is choosing to pollute himself. Garbage in = Garbage out. He is a fool if he thinks otherwise. Every single time he goes to that computer to view porn, chats with other women or acts out, he is corrupting himself, and spiraling downward into an ever darker abyss of bondage. He is committing adultery. He is sinning against God, himself, you, and your family. He IS affecting those around him. He is NOT an island unto himself. And he is destroying the very marriage he brags about. He is allowing the devil to have a stranglehold on him. He is being destroyed and doesn't even know it. He is blind to his sin because he is so consumed in it. The alarm must be sounded before it is to late.
"For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind: ..." Hosea 8:7
If he sows the wind, he will reap the whirlwind. And a whirlwind is a great wind, much like that of a tornado or hurricane. It is symbolic of great destruction.
He must be warned with truth, God's truth, the ONLY truth. You may be the only one right now that can confront him. You might need help doing that if necessary, that is, if you think it would be unsafe for you to do so. Have a witness present such as a pastor or counselor or somebody else.
He is trying to justify his sin by blaming you and trying to put it back on you, that you have the problem when in reality he does. This is classic. It is NOT you. It is HE that has the problem. Who says so? God says so. And if God says it, that settles it. And if he has a problem with that, remind him who said so. It doesn't matter whether he believes it or not, that is the reality and the truth and it cannot be changed regardless of whether he or anybody else believes it or not. He can take his personal grievance of that up with God if he'd like and try to convince HIM that what he is doing is OK. He won't, because down deep he knows he's wrong, and he knows you're right, but he's not going to admit it right now. Apparently he is not miserable enough yet. God can take care of that too by delivering him more misery to bring him to his knees if He has to. Either your husband comes clean on his own, or God will see to it he does, one way or another, and the latter is not the way to go. God will take care of it, trust Him. Tell on him to God. It's your only hope. Tell Him how he is hurting you.
The Bible says, "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." Hebrews 10:31.
"For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged (of God). But when we are judged, we are chastened of the Lord, that we should not be condemned with the world." 1Corinthians 11:31.
This means that if your husband would judge himself, God won't have to, but if God has to, He will, and it won't be pretty. You can be the instrument of warning to him.
If you haven't prayed for your husband, do so every day and don't quit. Ask God to open his eyes to his sin, to convict his heart with the error of his ways, to make him WANT to stop, to WANT to seek help, and ask God to have mercy on him. Ask God to restrain his hand from doing evil and his mind from thinking evil. Ask Him to thwart any attempt he would make to look at porn, talk to other women, commit adultery in any way. (Maybe the computer will crash on him!) Ask God to protect him from that which would tempt him.
Pray for yourself, as others here pray for you too. Ask God to give you the wisdom to know how to deal with this situation.
James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothering wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed."
Ask God to give you the strength and the grace to deal with him. Ask God to heal your pain and to be your husband for now as you have been forsaken by yours.
"For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God." Isaiah 54:5.
These 2 verses were specifically to the nation of Israel, but they can have spiritual application as well. It shows that God can be a husband of sorts to people or nations.
"...I was a husband unto them, saith the Lord;" Jeremiah 31:32
Ask God to help you with this grief, which is much like the grief suffered when a spouse dies. I know because I have had both, a husband die, and a husband commit adultery. God WILL help you. He promises, and all you have to do is ask and believe that He will. And don't just ask once. Keep asking. Keep trusting Him and He will, in His time and in His way. Don't quit. Don't give up. Men fail, we fail, but God NEVER fails. He is our Rock. HE can be counted on when nobody else can. HE is faithful and does not break covenants even though others do. HE keeps His promises even when others break theirs. HE can be counted on. Ask him to show you what to do and to bring to your attention things that need to be addressed with your husband. Ask God to guide you each day and to give you the right words to say. Cry out to Him with your pain and ask Him to comfort you for He is the Comforter.
"...I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Hebrews 13:5
If your husband is not saved, that is, if he doesn't know the Lord Jesus as his personal Lord and Saviour, then that is one of the first things he should do. He must admit he is a sinner headed for hell, unless he is redeemed by the shed blood of the Lamb, and he must repent (turn around & go in an opposite direction) renounce and reject his sin and accept Jesus Christ's sacrifice on Calvary as the only payment for his own personal sin. Until he does that, he will be handicapped because he will not have the Holy Spirit within him to help him and he will be trying to stop his sin in his own strength which will not work and is destined to fail. He MUST have the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome this stronghold the devil has on his life right now and the only way to get that is to be born again.
"Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." John 3:3.
Read your Bibles every day. It is your spiritual food. You most certainly will starve without it. It is spiritually "nutritious." Start in John reading a chapter a day and proceed toward Revelation. Also read one Psalm and one Proverb every day. Later, add one chapter of the Old Testament starting in Genesis. If whole chapters are too much at once for you, only read a few verses or so at a time. Meditate on your readings the rest of the day. Why? Because that will be your strength and comfort and guide. How? Because God will speak to you through His word. You will get wisdom and truth from on high.
"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105.
"Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth." John 17:17.
When the path is dark, Jesus is the light that will guide you.
A poem for you and others in pain:
"In the Valley I Grow"
"Sometimes life seems hard to bear, full of sorrow, trouble and woe.
It's then I have to remember that it's in the valley I grow.
If I always stayed on the mountain top, and never experienced pain, I would never appreciate God's love and would be living in vain.
I have so much to learn and my growth is very slow. Sometimes I need the mountain tops but it's in the valley I grow.
My little valleys are nothing when I picture Christ on the cross. He went through the valley of death. His victory was Satan's loss.
Thank you for valleys, Lord, For this one thing I know. The mountain tops are glorious, but it's in the valley I grow."
Author Unknown
Will pray for you both. I know God will take care of you.
Sincerely, Elizabeth
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Elizabeth
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brokenhearted
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 02:15 pm |
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Joel2:25...Thank you for your prayer, that means alot to me  And as for your marriage mentoring, I hope that you go into it with an open heart, and mind. You will only get out of it what you put into it. Good Luck.
____________________
If you let people take a piece of you, what is left of you?
Expect nothing and you will not be dissapointed!
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brokenhearted
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 02:23 pm |
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| TruthSeeker, I am truely not sure what he professes or believes in any more...as I said, he lies to me so easily, and to be honest, even though I know he is lying, I say and do nothing...but that is in the process of changing...for ME! As far as software to control this, he would never allow it...that is just him. I will check into it though, and see what happens. Thank You.
____________________
If you let people take a piece of you, what is left of you?
Expect nothing and you will not be dissapointed!
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brokenhearted
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 02:29 pm |
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| Elizabeth, What a profound letter! I want to thank you for all of your words, and encouragement. You have given me alot to grasp, and I will follow your words, as well as my heart in all of this. Again, Thank You
____________________
If you let people take a piece of you, what is left of you?
Expect nothing and you will not be dissapointed!
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Tears4Us
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 03:14 pm |
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O, hun. I feel you pain. your request made me cry, because I know it is not going to be easy to confront him with the information you have. But you know at some point you need too. Matthew 5:23-24 tells us we are to confront each other if we feel we are being wronged.
I remember all too well the day I had to confront my husband with the things I had found. I dreaded it for weeks. I tried telling myself that it would just go away, but it didn't. I will tell you that it was the best thing I ever did for my marriage and for my husband. It started his road to recovery. But it is never easy. I will pray that the Lord give you strength and guidance in this area.
I am so sorry about your father. I am praying for you sweetie, hang in there. We serve an awesome God.....
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brokenhearted
Member
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 03:46 pm |
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It comforts me to know that you and your husband are still together, but I fear that will not be the case with me and mine, I hope that I am wrong. We have had these types of confrontations before, he has threatened to leave...all of the excuses, I am not his mother, he is an adult, all guys do it, and the list goes on forever...always ending with I am still with you, I love you, I am just looking...I guess I will know soon, exactly where I really stand with him...and no matter what, I will survive!
Thank You
____________________
If you let people take a piece of you, what is left of you?
Expect nothing and you will not be dissapointed!
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Elizabeth
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Posted: Fri Jul 21st, 2006 05:25 pm |
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TruthSeeker, I am truely not sure what he professes or believes in any more...as I said, he lies to me so easily, and to be honest, even though I know he is lying, I say and do nothing...but that is in the process of changing...for ME! As far as software to control this, he would never allow it...that is just him. I will check into it though, and see what happens. Thank You.
Couldn't help but comment here, Brokenhearted.
Don't resign yourself to saying and doing nothing when you know he's lying to you. That only enables him to keep doing it. You are right: that IS the process of changing you, but you will get there.
When he lies to you, confront him on it. This is hard. Get his undivided attention, also not an easy task for an SA who's attention is everywhere but on you. But nevertheless, tell him what you know or have discovered or observed with whatever calmness you can muster. Pray before you confront him and silently while you are confronting if need be. Be straightforward and matter of fact. Do not let him distract you or divert you from your point. Do not let him tell you you didn't see what you saw, or you don't know what you know. Ignore retaliatory remarks. Expect them: they are inevitable. People get defensive when they're caught. Don't let it scare you. It's normal.
When confronting my husband, it helped to me to view him, at least for that moment, as I would an ill person. (The difference is, SAs can help what they are doing if they really want to, but right now, your husband is in denial.) But in the sense of how you deal with him, this type of approach may help save your own sanity. It may help how you approach him. It may be a bit of a mental gymnastic to do so, but you can try it and see if it helps anyway. I found that if I changed my perspective of how I viewed him and his SA problem, I was able to handle it better and able to deal with him more rationally and calmly with the type of love God has for us as sinners. Oh, don't think I didn't do my share of yelling. I did. But who wouldn't yell when somebody puts a knife in their back?! But eventually, I was able to do some better.
Be consistent if confronting him. Consistency is key for him to know you mean business and that he's crossed your boundary. If he's allowed to breach your boundary once, he'll just keep doing it because he has come to expect there won't be any consequences. You can change that.
Cry if you feel like crying. Don't choke back the tears or your feelings around him or when you're confronting him. Be real. Be who you are. Don't shield him from reality. It's OK if he sees how what he's doing hurts you. He needs to. It's OK to be angry. Who wouldn't be! He would be if it were the other way around. Just be careful what you do with the anger.
I exercise to discharge the physical energy I have. There are some days I can't stand it another minute and I hit the treadmill and run myself silly or I take a step aerobics class or climb a stair climber. It works and makes a lot more sense than running away. And I feel better when I'm finished, more positive and hopeful. A good sweaty work-out helps me mentally. (Like any girl, I hate to sweat, but there's something about sweating it out that helps.) It's a medical fact that exercise can reduce depression by 50%! It's also doing something for YOU. Most of all, it's channeling energy in a positive way.
The only thing that kept me from completely going bonkers was realizing that I am a sinner too, a sinner saved by grace that is, and I have done things in the past I wished to God I'd never done. They weren't things like my husband has done, but they were still sin, and some of them were worse than what my husband had done. Remembering my own sinfulness allowed me to have more mercy and grace toward him even though he didn't deserve it. Grace is giving that which we don't deserve and mercy is withholding that which we do deserve, ie. punishment. This does NOT mean you give in, give over, or give up. Set your boundaries and stand by them. That is "tough love" and that's what's needed here.
It is unacceptable for him to lie to you, and as long as he does, he will not get better. You are not a door mat where he can just wipe his feet and do as he wishes. No. Tell him it is unacceptable for him to lie to you, and that you expect him to tell the truth, and whenever he doesn't, you will be confronting him about it. Remind him that even though sometimes you might not know when he is lying to you, God knows, and that you have asked God to show you when he IS lying to you and make it known to you. He'll think you've got a red phone hotline to God (because you do) and it'll freak him out when you find out something he didn't think you could find out. God's got ways of letting us find things out.
You said he'd never allow software to control his unacceptable activities on the internet. The first thing that came to mind is that is how you need to approach him with his behaviors. By that I mean, he needs to understand that likewise, you don't allow him to engage in these unacceptable activities online either. He is in violation of the marital boundary when he goes online to porn sites or chats with other women and acts out. Whereas he "would never allow" you to get software to prevent him from doing it, you can "never allow" him to continue looking at porn and chatting with other women.
Tell him you want the software put on the computer. If he adamantly refuses to have it installed, you can remind him that you live there too and that his internet activities are in violation of your marriage vows. I would serve him notice that if he doesn't put a porn and chat blocker service on, you will be forced to. And I would keep my word and do it. You can try most of them for a period of time possibly without a fee. If he threatens you with bodily harm if you have the blocker installed, tell him you will contact the authorities in the event he would attempt such. He didn't ask you if he could look at other women's naked bodies or seek out other women to hook up with, but you at least have told him what you'd like and have notified him of your intents. He should not be allowed to do that in your home. If he's determined, it might force him out to the library or something. So be it. At least it won't be under your roof. You can't control what he does ultimately, but you can work to make it more difficult for him to do it and get by with it. Or you could tell him you'd like the internet service cancelled. If that's a bit too drastic, move the computer to a common location in your house where everybody can walk by and see what somebody is viewing. You can get a computer savvy girlfriend or a computer geek service to help you move it. Maybe you can get some locking out device put on it to keep him from getting on it at all when you're gone. I don't know what else you can do. If he's determined, there may be no preventing it, in which case he will get worse and worse toward self-destruction. Maybe he'll have to be more miserable before he is willing to try to get better, but at least you will have tried.
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Elizabeth
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brokenhearted
Member
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Posted: Mon Jul 24th, 2006 01:44 pm |
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| Once again, you have given me alot of wonderful advice...I am in the process of lowering the boom so to speak. As far as my HB getting physical, he never has, but he does have a volitle temper, and can tear a person apart emotionally, with his words, as well as the fact that I also know that once again, somehow he will turn it around to me, as far as it is not hurting anything, and that I am just being emotional, he is a grown man, I am not his mother, etc, etc, the list can go on forever. We have been down this road several times, over the different levels, and the only thing it has accomplished, is that he is getting better at covering his tracks Thank you once again for your wonderful advice, now is there any way you can send me a big dose of courage? I may need the economy size...Thanks
____________________
If you let people take a piece of you, what is left of you?
Expect nothing and you will not be dissapointed!
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