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peter
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| Joined: | Tue Jun 6th, 2006 |
| Location: | Moshi, Tanzania |
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Posted: Wed Jun 7th, 2006 12:31 pm |
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Hi, I’m new on this forum. I am a 46 yr old man with a wife and kids. I have had a masturbation addiction since I was about 12. My wife of 17 years only discovered this 2 years ago and had to drag every confession out of me because my mind would go blank and I could not remember any details. I was really shocked to see how hurt she was about something that I thought did not affect her. I hated what I had been doing because it showed me that I was a person that I did not want to be, and so I just pretended that it was no big deal and affected only me. What I have found since then is that I have become completely self centered. My wife has been given incredible insight to the word of God and talks of nothing else. What I now find is that I cannot speak to her. While I am at work I can talk to people etc but when I walk in the door at home I cannot say 2 words to her unless she makes small talk. My big fear has always been being rejected. I am consumed with guilt and do not put myself anywhere near a situation where I can be rejected, I would rather reject myself first and simply avoid reality. I have seen that I have denied; lied and deceived continuously throughout my life, I have pretended to know things I didn’t. I would take things other people told me at work and report them at meetings as my own ideas or observations just to look good, I had complete disrespect for everyone in authority including my mother (my father is dead), my boss, and civil authorities, I am a completely uncaring person. I hate what I am. On Sundays I spend the whole day in silence just thinking about my self and my condition, I am completely withdrawn. I am filled with self pity. I only respond when I people include me in their things.
I have always been seen as a religious person; active in church youth groups, where I met my wife, involved in the church management etc I had taken to reading the bible for sometimes three or four hours a day. Outwardly I looked like a saint if you met me you would probably like me. But I am a complete hypocrite and deceiver – a chameleon, a Pharisee. I have quite a sound knowledge of the bible and pass for a holy Christian with ease. But one layer of hypocrisy covers another.
I feel spiritually blind and deserted by God. I begged for forgiveness from God but realize now that I am trying to ask God to save me because of the benefits for me. Not because I love him and want above all else to serve him, although those have been my words. I pray only about myself and my condition, I do not pray even about my wife or children!! I even put a reminder on my mobile phone to phone my wife during the day. I have been jealous of my wife being saved while I was not.
Has anyone else experienced similar things? How do you break a hardened heart? Do other people coming out of this kind of sin and immoral life style also experience a complete focus on themselves and their comfort zone and a complete amnesia of the details of the sins of which we are supposed to be repenting? How long does it last and how do you break out of it.?
I have managed to break the stronghold of masturbation, actually surprisingly easily when I read how some of you struggle, but I feel like one demon has left and seven more have entered. I literally cannot speak to my wife, when I am in the room with her I feel that my mind just closes down. It is like she is surrounded with angels and I am surrounded with demons. When I am away I can think of things to say to her but then forget them. My memory has deserted me so that I cannot think of my sins to repent of them. I can identify with almost every step in Mike’s article on the Effect of Lust except that I was preoccupied with not acting out rather than acting out, as he has mentioned. I say very little to my kids and am inconsistent in disciplining them. I work from 6h30 to 19h00 and then sit on my own and do nothing except watch news headlines for 10 minutes. At meals I say nothing to anyone.. Is his part of healing or withdrawals or something else?
I look forward to any comments or observations.
Peter
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mike
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Posted: Wed Jun 7th, 2006 08:52 pm |
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>Has anyone else experienced similar things?
Yes, all the sex and self obsession and emotional withdrawl you've mentioned is what happens to a man who gives himself over to the sick god of lust.
>How do you break a hardened heart?
1. Ask God to break you, and open your eyes to your true condition. We don't do a very good job of breaking ourselves because we can tend to leave some areas untouched.
2. Face and own up to your weaknesses with others, on a consistent basis. Stop pretending to be something you're not; drop the mask.
3. Set your Bible aside from time to time, and get real with God. Talk to him as a child would, and leave out all the preaching. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you, and don't stop seeking Him until He does. Ask Him to reveal the lies you've bought into about yourself, and others.
> Do other people coming out of this kind of sin and immoral life style also experience a complete focus on themselves and their comfort zone
Yes.
> and a complete amnesia of the details of the sins of which we are supposed to be repenting?
Not always. I'm wondering if you've had a habit of stuffing your emotions, which could lead to the memory problem. Or, if you were somehow abused growing up, either emotionally or physically?
> How long does it last and how do you break out of it?
The time it takes is different for everyone; how hard we work at breaking free, facing our pain and seeking God, and our personalities and circumstances make it different for everyone.
>At meals I say nothing to anyone.. Is his part of healing or withdrawals or something else?
You can choose to change this. Start asking your wife and kids about their day, and how they're doing. It may not feel comfortable at first, but eventually it will get easier. No one can force you out of isolation; you're going to have to make a determined, sustained effort to break out of it, no matter how you feel.
I'm blessed by your honesty. In spite of where you've been, you show an awareness that many don't have.
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captivated
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Posted: Thu Jun 8th, 2006 05:20 am |
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I was thinking the same thing......how much I appreciate your realness, honesty and insight....I was really pretty amazed about the insight you have! Prayerfully!
captivated
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peter
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| Location: | Moshi, Tanzania |
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Posted: Thu Jun 8th, 2006 09:27 am |
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Firstly I would like to thank you both, Mike and Captivated, for your responses to a complete stranger on the other side of the world. I do appreciate your advice and support.
I must immediately say that while I seem aware of my situation I am particularly blind to my condition and all the analysis has been gone through by my wife who has had a major input into my life to try and “get me to live again”. I have been trying to drop my mask in front of others and at the same time not reveal my past in order to protect my family. My wife knows everything though.
On your question of abuse and stuffing my emotions the answer to both is “yes”.
I was sexually abused between the ages of 5 and 10 by my nanny. She was a really jolly and extrovert woman and made it seem like fun to the extent that I enjoyed it. At 10 I was sent to boarding school and the abuse stopped. At boarding school I felt very home sick and deserted. The other boys rejected me as a whimp always moping around. As a coping mechanism I just shut out emotion and caring about people. I could not face rejection and so I became whatever other people would accept. I liked to shock people and later did daring things like parachuting and different things like magician tricks etc
I lived a double life; at school I would swear, tell dirty jokes and make people laugh at crude things, I would break into the tuck shop and steal sweets, I was nearly expelled, but at the same time I was also an altar boy and became the sacristan of the school chapel and headboy in my final year. ( 2 years ago we realized the false teachings in the Catholic Church and left it) At home I was a real gentleman, pouring drinks and serving my parents guests on social occasions etc. My vocabulary changed completely from home to school as did my accent and my character.
Back to the abuse. My parents employed the same maid until I left home permanently after university and I always had a good relationship with her. She was the one who was always enthusiastic about my achievements and would always flatter me. I even employed her for a short while as a maid when newly married! I told my wife early on in our marriage about the abuse but I denied that it had any effect on me. In retrospect I am amazed at how blind a person can get, how much one can "believe a lie" despite all evidence.
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captivated
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Posted: Thu Jun 8th, 2006 11:22 am |
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I just want to applaud you again, Peter, for your honesty and openness here and especially with your wife. It will assist her recovery greatly to have you be so open to her input, as you seem to be, even above your own intuition.  It sounds like she is a great support to you! What a blessing that you have such an emotionally strong and supportive wife by your side!  Praying for you both! Have you had any kind of formal counseling or therapy, by the way? I reread your post and didn't see that you had....just wondering what sort of support system you both had as a couple, not knowing much about where you live.
captivated
Last edited on Thu Jun 8th, 2006 11:25 am by captivated
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mike
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Posted: Thu Jun 8th, 2006 07:16 pm |
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Sexual abuse is a traumatic event that has severe impact on our relationships. I was molested by my mother growing up, and I was terrified of intimacy with women until I dealt with what happened. When I wasn't terrified of them, I struggled with rage at the opposite sex.
The problems with intimacy you're talking are a result of that unresolved wound you're carrying around that Jesus needs to heal. I would encourage you to begin the process by getting a journal, and starting to process what happened to you - with the Lord. Ask God to minister to you as you write. Read through the book of Job, which is basically one man's expression of traumatic loss (and his graceless friends' response.)
If you can find a counselor in the local area who can help you walk through this, it would help. Otherwise, it would help if you had at least one person there in the flesh who you could start to process what happened with. We are damaged in relationships, and it is in relationships where God heals us.
I'd also encourage you to share what is harming your intimacy with your wife, and ask her to start praying for you every day. You guys should be praying together at least once day.
And of course, keep posting here so we can help and others can pray for your healing.
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PraisingHeart
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| Joined: | Sun Mar 19th, 2006 |
| Location: | Atlanta, Georgia USA |
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Posted: Fri Jun 9th, 2006 02:07 am |
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Peter,
I agree with the advice Mike and Captivated gave you, and I stand with them in prayer for you, your wife and children. I know it wasn't easy, but your honesty is a very healthy and positive step in the right direction. Just stay on this path. God loves you and wants to heal your wounds.
Praying for you,
Praising Heart
____________________
It is impossible for seeds of depression to take root in a greatful heart. - The Traveler's Gift-
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looking4light
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Posted: Fri Jun 9th, 2006 03:47 am |
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Peter, my fiance has being going through a similar experience. He has struggled with his "hypocrisy" with God and his family because of the lies and deception caused by his PA. He often feels that he is not worthy of our love or support and that God and I now see him for what he truly was. Well that would be true except that the love of God is unconditional and forgiving. And it sounds like so is your wife's love for you.
You said you are no longer the person that you were. You have broken free from your addiction and are now in recovery. Unfortunately PA/SA's are often very selfish, that is how they are able to continue their behaviour. It is time to let that selfishness go. Your wife has stood behind you and has endured enough pain and humiliation, you need to start to give something back to her. I know it is not easy, my fiance still struggles to lose that selfishness. But you have been given an opportunity many PA's do not have, a chance to make things right again. Right for you and right for your marriage. I know my fiance has really been helped by attending SA meetings and by Seeing a therapist to help deal with issues he had as a child. I know the biggest breakthrough my fiance had through his SA meetings was learning to turn his issues over to God. To admit that he cannot do it alone, he needed to reconnect with God, no matter how difficult that was, and believe me it was. He was also a respected member of the church before admitting his addiction, sometimes I think it can be a harder fall.
You have come so far Peter, take pride in what you have achieved! There are many men out there who cannot take those first steps. Just wanting to reach out is an unselfish act in itself. It took you over 30 years to admit to your wife and God you had a problem, it will take time to take your life back.
God Bless
J
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peter
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| Location: | Moshi, Tanzania |
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Posted: Fri Jun 9th, 2006 04:58 am |
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Again thank you all for your input, prayers and support. It is very encouraging, honest and open.
You are certainly correct about having a supportive wife!! She has ignored her own pain to help me by probing where I have forgotten or have been unwilling to talk about things at first. I can truly say she is on God's side no matter what happens.
No, I've never been for therapy regarding this. In terms of counseling there is nothing that I am aware of here, but I have not looked seriously. Nobody advertises here so you have to ask around which is difficult. I‘m beginning to think that the root of my problem is in the abuse rather than the lust and that therapy is advisable. Does anyone have a recommended online therapist?
Regarding where I live; if you look on the map on the Kenyan/Tanzanian border you will find Mt Kilimanjaro. Moshi is right at the base. You may have heard of Arusha 80km away where the UN has an international court for the Ruwandan genocide hearings.
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peter
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Posted: Sat Jun 10th, 2006 10:43 am |
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Mike,
I started with Job Chapter 1 and 3 things struck me:
1)He feared God and shunned evil
2)He sacrificed for his children just in case they had sinned. ie he continuously covered his family members with prayer whether they aparently needed it or not. If he did this what else did he do.
3) The one servant reported that God sent fire from heaven to destroy his sheep. But it was not from God it was from the Devil. The servant just reported it wrong because it came down from the sky.
My bible foot note also draws attention to the fact that Job did not mourn after hearing that his many posessions had been destroyed. He only tore his clothes after hearing the news that his family had been killed, and he was the wealthiest man in the country!!
There are many things to learn here. I was told as a Catholic that Daniel, Job and Revelations are very complex books and not many people understand them and they are best left alone. This is just so wrong!!
Thanks for pointing me there. I hope to do a chapter a day.
Peter.
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