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apl
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Posted: Sun May 21st, 2006 06:08 pm |
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I should probably be posting in the wives section but I see that no one posted there since May 19th and I can't wait for a response...I am losing my mind...here is my story...
I just found that my husband is addicted to porn. We have been together for 3 years. He and I watched some videos during our time together or watched Real Sex or Cathouse on HBO and I thought that was teh extent of it...I was never opposed to some porn as long as it was agreed upon by both of us.
Thursday, i cam home and he did NOTHING all day. I suspected that he was online (it was a sore subject from when we first started dating - he used to be on sites like Adult FriendFinder, Swinger.net, etc) He assured me that he never did it again after the time I caught him getting pics from some women early in our relationship (about 3 mos into it). when he was single and early on in our dating he did this stuff, but I told him if you can't do it with me sitting next to you - it was wrong.
Well when I came home this week, I suspected he was looking at porn but he denied. Long story short, after a while of interrogating him, he admitted that he surfed for porn. He cleared the history but I told him that i could figure it out (not sure if I could but he belived me and spilled the beans). He admitted that he was on a gangbandsquad site AND that he visted some incest fantasy sites. I looked at the sites where he went and they are all legal, they are all over 18 but play the role of Daddy, Mommy, Sister Brother, etc.
Well, needless to say, that freaked teh hell out of me. It is one thing to have a porn addiction but this is way beyond belief. I have heard about men and women having rape fantasies adn I don't like those either but I guess I can see how the idea is force, dominance, fear, adrenilan, etc but what does one get out of incest porn? he says that with porn addiciton you get desensitized with the normal stuff and you just keep looking into the freakier and freakier. But my question to him was, at what point does porn no longer do it for you? at one point do you act out and do something to our kids or my sisters kids or other kids.
he said it isn't like that. Just becuase he looked at the sites doesn't mean he has urges or that he would act out anything. He said he wasn't in REAL incest sites just the fantasy ones ..still sounds sick to me whether fantasy or not. He said it isn't real to him but when I asked him why he chose the sites he chose, he said because tehy looked the most real.
The thing is, he says he desparately wants help. From the minute I found out, he said he would do anything not tolose me. We are separated right now. He is at his parents. The day I found out, I told my mother and spoke with my priest. I regret having to tell my mother but do not regret telling her. she is my best friend and my biggest confidant. She will not tell anyone, not even my father but she checks on me everyday since the incident and I need that.
as for my Husband, when he went to his parents, I told him to tell them what happened. I believe that he needed an all out intervention. He needed to see ALL the people this would effect. His mother adores me and when she called me and said that what he did was stupid and all men are stupid when it comes to porn, that she is embarrassed for him and all but do I think I can forgive him and take him back...and I told her that her son would have to talk to her as he was not telling her the whole story and he then he finally told them EVERYTHING. They are shocked, disappointed, confused, embarrassed, scared but they are supporting him and appreciate his honesty. He has 17 neices and nephews and has always been good wiht kids so his mother said that she does not think that he would act on it even though it is a sick fantasy, she does not feel it would lead to what I fear. Well, I don't know if I can take that chance yet.
He also made appts with therapists already. He is going to see a Psychiatrist this week and on Thurs, we are both going to a psychotherapist to start dealing with this in our marriage. I am going to try becuase he desparately needs help but I am not sure, as you said.
Last night he also agreed to talk to our priest. He is completely uncomfortable, understandably so, but he understands that I want this to be fixed in the mental as well as spiritual state adn again, an all out intervention is what he needs. A relapse would mean all these people know again and we get a divorce, no question.
I keep getting these waves of doubt that just grab a hold of me and cripple me with fear. If he cheated on me, and I took him back, if he hurt me again, a year later, 10 years later, teh only one that gets hurt is me. BUT if I take him back and I am wrong, if this is the early stages of acting out and 1 year or 10 years from now he hurts my neice or my kids, how could I ever forgive myself?
The hardest part of all of this is...I can't picture him doing harm to anyone (but all women who later find out otherwise feel that way) BUT he keeps saying that he $#!@ed up! and that he wishes he could go back to Thurs and not get online. I don't know if this is as much a sex disorder with him as it is an impulse disorder. I have been doing alot of research and he does have bouts of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and when he described to me how and why he went on the incest fantasy site he said it was like something told him to do it and he couldnt' control himself. It wasn't premeditated...he did not go online to look that up but once there it popped in his head and consumed his thoughts till he did it.
It is hard to explain this in email, but sometimes when I listen to him, he sounds innocent or confused...like I made this ridiculous mistake but I can't believe that looking at a site may cost me my marriage...it isn't what you think...it isn't like that...I just looked and if I could take it back I would...I do like to look at magazines or movies and sometimes online and I do sometimes stare or get fixated on a woman's breasts or high heels or legs or whatever and that is something that I want to fix and know I can fix. When I hear him talk like that, it almost sounds like maybe, just maybe, I am thinking too much into this...maybe what he did was not what I am imagining it to be.
NOw, belive me, I am not making excuses becuase I am still angry and suspicious as all hell but I have to leave some room for possibility. I am thinking this way, when we go to a therapist they are going to say one of two things,
1) people who have incest fantasies are capable and DO act out from tiem to time on the urge
2) like rape fantasies, people who are into incest fantasies are not really attracted to the reality of the fantasy (children) and acting out is not an option in the progression.
Number 1 - I am out of here...I can't take that chance.
Number 2 - I will go through therapy and fix my marriage but again, I cannot even picture when we will be normal again. I picture myself going through the, and then being OKAY and then 1 year down the road or 5 years down the road - seeing him stare and gaulk at a big chested woman or stare at someone's high heels and then I will lose it and probably leave anyway...
I am still so confused and this is all so new and raw.
I have read SO MANY accounts where teh husbands act out and they do cheat...is it more likely that he will act out? Is someone who looked at incest fantasy sites (legal and over 18) likely to be a danger to kids?
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Praise6
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Posted: Sun May 21st, 2006 06:32 pm |
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I think you are both headed in the right direction. I do not think that looking at those sites guarantees that he is going to act them out. I think porn is progressive and a bigger high is always needed. The next step to that high is the shocking, incest, rape, beastiality etc. but not necessarily acting them out in real life.
If your husband is truly repentant, made a mistake and is going to spend the rest of your marriage trying to rectify this, you can ask for nothing more.
Don't throw away the marriage God gave you yet.
You may want to rethink your stand on a little porn between the two of you. It is against the purity of marriage and always goes bad.
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PraisingHeart
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| Joined: | Sun Mar 19th, 2006 |
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Posted: Sun May 21st, 2006 08:55 pm |
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Dear apl,
I want to tell you I am so sorry this is happening to you, your husband, and your family. Many of us here (especially wives) can totally relate to the anger, confusion, and hopelessness you feel right now.
I can feel the anxiousness and frustration in your post, so the very first thing you need to do in my opinion, is take deep breaths and repeat to yourself "God is in control." Just do that several times until you begin to feel calm. God will be right there with you.
I agree with everything Praise6 had to say, and I just wanted to add several comments from my perspective.
I know you said you've done a lot of research, but just in case you haven't read this elsewhere, Porn and sexual addiction is a manifestation of lust, and from what I've learned, in most cases sexual lust is a manifestation of deep emotional wounds, or unresolved emotional trauma. Now this is just my opinion, but I'd bet my bottom dollar there is some kind of deep emotional issue your husband is not facing. He is trying to run away, and medicate that pain with porn.
You said your husband wanted help, and after a few attempts, ended up telling his parents the truth. Believe it or not, that is a positive sign, so all is not lost. There is one thing I would *strongly* suggest. Please go see a counselor that specializes in sexual addiction. I had a professional tell me a lot of times family counselors can't help in this area. A specialist would be better equipped to deal with sexual addiction problems. I appreciated his honesty. There is a site http://www.pureintimacy.org that can direct you to a sexual addiction specialist in your area.
I will tell you restoration of your marriage will most likely be a process, and isn't going to be easy, but nothing worth it ever is. Just seek God everyday, and He will give you the necessary strength to get through this.
And as Praise6 said, stay completely away from porn. It dehumanizes people, and has no place in a healthy, intimate marriage.
I recently heard a sermon on purity. Here's some of the comments I thought were interesting:
"Spiritually speaking, when people view porn they are feeding themselves dead things. Several times in the Bible our lives are compared to that of the eagle. An eagle in the wild only feeds on live foods...Yes, we can live on dead things, but here's the thing, we'll never rise higher and be all God created us to be. Be an eagle, soar higher, and be all that God wants you to be, stay away from dead things."
Please consider a personal decision not to support an industry where people who are sexually and emotionally broken, parade their unhealthy choices in front of a camera for all the world to see.
I'll be praying for you and your husband.
Praising Heart
____________________
It is impossible for seeds of depression to take root in a greatful heart. - The Traveler's Gift-
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apl
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Posted: Sun May 21st, 2006 09:38 pm |
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Praise 6 and Praisingheart,
thank you so much for your words, healing will be a long process but my heart is starting to feel less heavy. as for a caution you both gave me, please be assured that my feeling on some porn being a causual thing was my OLD way of thinking - I was just trying ot put it all out there and be completely honest where my part was in all of this. I will tell you that even though I allowed it - sometimes, I was ALWAYS apprehensive and it always left me feeling dirty an ashamed taht I allowed it, I always had bad feelings about it. I would allow it, feel guilty and not allow it.
I always felt that this porn was letting evil in my house and I only have myself to blame for the guilt I feel over that. I know that God has forgivne me those trespasses and I continue to ask forgiveness for turning my back on my morals. I knew it was wrong, it felt wrong, but I did it anyway and now I fear I may have enabled my husbands addiction.
I threw away ANY AND ALL porn related materials in this home. this house is clean and will stay that way!!! I am in no way shape or form promoting even casual use of porn or lustful things...I am just admitting that I did allow it inthe past and may have helped to enable my husbands (unknowinlgy of course) addiction.
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apl
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Posted: Sun May 21st, 2006 09:38 pm |
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Praise 6 and Praisingheart,
thank you so much for your words, healing will be a long process but my heart is starting to feel less heavy. as for a caution you both gave me, please be assured that my feeling on some porn being a causual thing was my OLD way of thinking - I was just trying ot put it all out there and be completely honest where my part was in all of this. I will tell you that even though I allowed it - sometimes, I was ALWAYS apprehensive and it always left me feeling dirty an ashamed taht I allowed it, I always had bad feelings about it. I would allow it, feel guilty and not allow it.
I always felt that this porn was letting evil in my house and I only have myself to blame for the guilt I feel over that. I know that God has forgivne me those trespasses and I continue to ask forgiveness for turning my back on my morals. I knew it was wrong, it felt wrong, but I did it anyway and now I fear I may have enabled my husbands addiction.
I threw away ANY AND ALL porn related materials in this home. this house is clean and will stay that way!!! I am in no way shape or form promoting even casual use of porn or lustful things...I am just admitting that I did allow it inthe past and may have helped to enable my husbands (unknowinlgy of course) addiction.
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PraisingHeart
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Posted: Sun May 21st, 2006 11:51 pm |
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apl,
It's good to hear your feeling a little better. You can always post your questions, thoughts and concerns here on the forum, or feel free to PM me if you want to talk to someone one on one. Please keep us posted on your progress.
Praising Heart
____________________
It is impossible for seeds of depression to take root in a greatful heart. - The Traveler's Gift-
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