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Inthisskin22x
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Posted: Wed May 10th, 2006 04:53 am |
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How to know if he does or not?
Hello;
I have been wondering lately. I have been looking on Christian sites; and it saying
about Sexual sin, Pornography, Masturbation, Lust...trying to get people to make
the best of their lives, and stop cause its a sin.
My boyfriend; i dont know if he does or not. He doesn't talk about sex, tells me he wants to
wait till marriage; he was the one who talked about this with me first.
Everytime he sees a girl that wears or shows off their body; he gets upset, saying
its not right that their doing that.
Then when music of rap about Sex, or something; he gets upset also.
He sometimes changes moods when hes upset with me; he turns on dirty rap, swears, and
talks dirty, tells me things that are lust.
I know that Christian men deal with this; but How am i sure that my boyfriend
does? I want him to be pure. And if he does; I need to get my act on it; and
show him the way of God, and get him help.
Thank you;
And God Bless Everyone!!!
Is there a way to get the truth out of him? Wihtout looking on his computer?
Ps: If anyone of you have boyfriends/husbands that do the same; and are viewing porn
and using sex as a tool, not as god's creation. Please state; I Love hearing
from Christians with advice and stories!
Also i have been a christian my whole life, and Jesus showed my boyfriend the way.
But im not sure...
What conversation should i talk to my boyfriend?
I love him very much; and knowing and helping is what i would love!
Thanks, and God Bless!!!
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dfs
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Posted: Wed May 10th, 2006 06:31 am |
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Hi!
I know others on the website will have sound words of wisdom for u.
Anyway I hope what I tell u may be of some help to u.
In May 2005, I split up with my fiancee. We both are Christians. I had a problem with porn and mastrubation. After the split up, the porn problem got worse. I knew I had to get close to God to spend more time with Him to deal with the pain. Instead most times I found myself angry at God and at my fiancee. And I am ashamed to say this... most times when I was frustrated I watched porn on internet to numb the pain.
You say: He sometimes changes moods when hes upset with me; he turns on dirty rap, swears, and talks dirty, tells me things that are lust.
Here's my point: The way a person handles frustration is a good sign of who he really is. This inconsistency your boyfriend shows in his Christian faith (like listening to sexy rap and swearing) maybe a sign that he is struggling with porn and mastrubation. It was in my case.
Not to mention, I have struggled with hypocrisy a lot. I say certain things and do exactly the opposite. And we know that Jesus hypocrisy very much. I've even preached about holiness and yet fallen into sin. I'm really tired of living like this.
I hope I do not offend u with these words. I'm wondering if u and he are having sex. If u are doing it u should stop it immediately. If u r not doing it, then ensure that u do not do it in the future. Here's why I say this. I and my fiancee did it before marriage and we paid a heavy price for it. Everything we had was wiped out. There is a lack of trust between us. We are now talking again and praying and trying to build a bridge between us.
Maybe here's what u should do. Anyway pray before u accept my advice:
1. Pray that God would show u who your boyfriend really is and what he does when no one is watching him.
2. Protect yourself from your boyfriend. He has said that he will wait for sex till marriage. Even I said that but I did not walk my talk. In my opinion he may not wait till marriage coz he is already showing symptoms of hypocrisy.
Sincerely,
dfs
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Steve
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Posted: Wed May 10th, 2006 08:50 pm |
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My only input is to ask him directly. Say exactly what you said in your original post.
If you plan on marrying him, communication about things like this has got to be there if your marriage is going to last. (I'm assuming this is potentially leading towards marriage, right? Dating for the sake of dating has so many pitfalls, but I digress.) If you feel like you can't bring this up with him, that might be a good indication that you two really need to work on the emotional health and wellness of your relationship.
Definitely don't sweep this under the rug like many women do before marrying their man. If I had a dollar for every spouse of a sex addict who said something like this...
"I kind of new he struggled a little bit with porn before we got married, but I thought it would get better after we were married, but now it's worse."
"He always said the right Christian things and so I assumed he didn't have a problem."
I am glad you posted this. Please feel free to type any follow-up questions or comments you might have.
-Steve
Last edited on Wed May 10th, 2006 08:55 pm by Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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Inthisskin22x
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Posted: Wed May 10th, 2006 11:19 pm |
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Is there any signs of my boyfriend that he might be using pornography and masturbation? I sometimes think when he gets upset, and changes; I sometimes think he'd cheat.
And if i talk to him...what conversation is it??
Thank you
and God Bless!
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Inthisskin22x
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Posted: Thu May 11th, 2006 12:23 am |
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I talked to my boyfriend, and i told him about a conversation with a christian woman about her husband being a sex addict. And my boyfriend got upset, and he started talking about it saying its wrong; and that nobody should do that. And i told him that some men go to porn and masturbation because of loliness, or depression, and etc. And he said; its still not right; God told us to honor our bodies. and thats what we should do.
And no; Me and my boyfriend havn't engaged in sex, or any sexual activity. Sometimes its gotten to it; but we stop knowing its wrong. He took me out for a romantic dinner, and we went home; and we started kissing saying we love eachother, then our love made it hard for us not to stop the temptation. But in our hearts we want to do what is right for God.
THen my boyfriend talks about how people in his school are sex addicts, and need jesus. He brings me to life in some occasions, but why does he change his personality?
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Steve
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Posted: Thu May 11th, 2006 04:34 pm |
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>I sometimes think when he gets upset, and changes; I sometimes think he'd cheat.
Well, my general rule is to take seriously your intuition about people.
>He brings me to life in some occasions, but why does he change his personality?
Well, have you discussed this matter with him?
In one of your replies you mentioned that you are both in school. May I ask: How old are you and your boyfriend?
All the best,
Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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Inthisskin22x
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Posted: Thu May 11th, 2006 04:54 pm |
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We are in college; we have been with eachother since 8th grade. and known eachother before hand. We were best friends, we only wanted eachother.
I am 21. I feel like i am older than that, because of how i act.
God Bless
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RTK
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Posted: Thu May 11th, 2006 06:31 pm |
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Steve wrote, "If you plan on marrying him, communication about things like this has got to be there if your marriage is going to last" Why not show him what you posted? His reaction should say a lot.
I've had quite a few talks with my daughters about guys. I also tell them not to marry someone they can live with, but someone that they can't live without. When my daughters start dating, I will be asking the guys some pointed questions about the very issues you are concerned about. I don't want my daughters marrying a guy with a secret life.
Hey, Steve....any thoughts on her sharing this with her sweetie?
RTK
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dfs
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Posted: Thu May 11th, 2006 08:53 pm |
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Hi!
I'm giving this advice assuming that u r seriously considering marrying your bf.
First, pray that God would give u wisdom and courage to talk to your bf about the doubts u have about him. Pray that u would not judge your bf irrespective of the way he answers your questions. Pray that God would give your bf the courage to tell u the truth.
Next, here's what you can consider saying:
"I have a feeling that you may be watching porn and mastrubating. I may be right or wrong. But I want to know the truth. Do you mastrubate? Do you watch porn?
I am troubled by your inconsistency. Most times you are this strong Christian. But there are also times when u talk lustful things to me and u listen to sexy porn.
I love u. If u really have a porn and mastrubation problem I will stand by u and I want to help u. However, I will not judge u no matter what your answers to my questions are.
I'm seriously considering marrying u. My decision to marry u will depend to a large extent on how truthful u are in answering my questions."
Make sure everything you want to say to him is the truth. Do not say "I love u" if u do not really mean it. Do not say any of the stuff I suggested to u if u do not truly mean it.
If you are not comfortable speaking to him directly about these issues, maybe u can try to write a note to him or e-mail him. However, talking face to face would be the best option.
In spite of all this advice, seek God to show you how to go about this whole thing.
I'm posting this so that others may read this advice and comment if it is right or wrong or needs improvement. Maybe this whole conversation we are having would help other readers.
This may sound cliche but do not blame yourself for his sin.
Sincerely,
dfs
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Inthisskin22x
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Posted: Thu May 11th, 2006 09:48 pm |
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Yes, i am considering Marrying him. I Love him very much!
Hes been bringing up our future. Telling me he want's to marry me, have children with me, and spend all his life with me. Hes always been romantic, taking me to nice dinners. My dream to be proposed to is in Paris. My boyfriend bought tickets this summer for Paris...
I Love Him, but I dont want to marry the wrong guy. I want the truth; and if i ask and he tells me the truth; then ill know.
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Steve
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Posted: Thu May 11th, 2006 09:50 pm |
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RTK wrote: I've had quite a few talks with my daughters about guys. I also tell them not to marry someone they can live with, but someone that they can't live without. When my daughters start dating, I will be asking the guys some pointed questions about the very issues you are concerned about. I don't want my daughters marrying a guy with a secret life.
Hey, Steve....any thoughts on her sharing this with her sweetie?
RTK
RTK, I'm sure you're doing great with your daughter.
Regarding her sharing her concerns with her man, I really don't have much input except that she really should bring it up somehow. I still don't know much of the context of their relationship, and their age is in question.
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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