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jason
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Posted: Fri Dec 2nd, 2005 05:39 pm |
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Well as I write this I begin day 11 free from masturbation and porn.
Its strange, I've only gone this long clean (clean from both) once before.
I've gotten past a couple of big hurdles in the last 10 days after just white knuckling through the worst of it and snapping away furiously with the old rubber band 
Now the subtle temptation has set in. You know the one.
"Oh just have a peek it wont hurt ..."
"You know if you spank the monkey you'll feel better and your head will be clear ..."
I'm sure this is familar to everybody who has wokred on quitting.
My particular opening temptation is nude actresses, I don't really know why, but it always seems to start there. See actress on TV then go searching for nude pictures of her. I don't know why I do that. And once I start everything goes down hill from there.
And I know this too, I know exactly what will happen if I do go there, and yet, still the temptation remains.
Please pray for me people, as I am sure this will pass in time.
Daily Bible reading, the rubber band (combined with prayer for random missionaries and friends) and the knowledge that a bunch of people I care about know, is helping immensley.
Jason
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matt
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Posted: Fri Dec 2nd, 2005 05:45 pm |
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Hey Jason,
You might try taking a few minutes and thinking through the entire process. What if you were to go through with it? Think through the wasted time searching for pictures and then more wasted time searching for the perfect one, the trance that you get in when that's your main focus, then the mx, then the guilt, shame, then the difficulty of sharing that you've fallen, and how much more difficult it is to get back up the next time. This all starts with just a peek.
I find that helpful to think through the process all the way to the end to remind myself that there are feelings that always come after the immediate gratification and how much I don't like those feelings.
hope this helps
matt
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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jason
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Posted: Fri Dec 2nd, 2005 06:05 pm |
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Thanks Matt, sage advice.
Thats it isn't it.
The real struggle is that some of the advice is true.
If I do spank the monkey I will feel much better afterwards. It will take the edge off and all the rest.
That is entirely true and yet that truth conceals within it a lie.
I think it would be simpler if all the temptation only came in the form of lies. That would be much simpler to deal with.
Its like the other lie. "Come on, you know you will enjoy it".
Again, entirely true, but only true up to the point I acheive an orgasm. Then I will feel wretched becasue I will know what I have done !
I do take the time to think through it when I am tempted. Well sometimes. Mostly I just snap the rubber band and start praying for someone.
The problem with thinking through the consequenes of the action is that I then dwell on the action and everything goes down hill from there.
I know what the consequences of falling would be, but at the point I am tempted is not the time to be trying to reason logically about such things.
Jason
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matt
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Posted: Fri Dec 2nd, 2005 06:09 pm |
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Jason,
great points and I agree with you 100%. I didn't mean to sound like I was over-simplifying. You're absolutely right that the point of temptation allows no room for logical reasoning. I guess this is where we need solid boundaries in place. I don't have the answers, just kind of thinking out loud here.
After you're successful, let me know what worked.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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mike
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Posted: Fri Dec 2nd, 2005 06:45 pm |
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>I've gotten past a couple of big hurdles in the last 10 days after just white knuckling through the worst of it and snapping away furiously with the old rubber band
Snapping the rubber band helps on the chemical side of sexual addiction, but, you could use a ball peen hammer and smack yourself in a key place and it wouldn't touch the core heart issues that are driving you to lust.
Every person who soaks in the sewer of lust goes there because there's a place deep in their heart, untouched by God's grace, meaning there's unresolved hurt accompanied by the belief that "I can't be loved/accepted as I am." It is this hurt/lie that the struggler with sexual addiction is using lust to "comfort."
What I often ask guys is "what was going on in your heart prior to the time you acted out?" Usually the answers are loneliness, emptiness, or depression.
Focusing on the externals (accountability, dealing with temptation) only goes so far. For freedom, we have to get into the heart. Having said that, staying out of isolation is critical, like what you're doing. Keep it up. When we share what we're going through it allows God to speak through others and provide insight.
The past month's newsletter addresses some of these issues; if you weren't on the mailing list when it went out, it can be read at: http://www.blazinggrace.org/NL1105.htm
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jason
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Posted: Fri Dec 2nd, 2005 08:07 pm |
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I think the chemical side is what I need the most help with at this point. That is one of the big problems. Looking at porn is a habit. I don't like doing it, I want to quit doing it, there is no reason for doing it, beyond it feels good (however temporarily).
I used to struggle with things like depression, and I have used porn in the past to "get even" with my wife after a fight (how fricking stupid is that !) but i'm not sure there is a root problem like that any longer. There certianly was in the past, but I think a lot of it is just habit now. Like the smoker who once smoked to loose weight or whatever, but now just wants to quit but is hooked.
I think there is probably an issue related to "easy intimacy" with porn, but I am working on that with my wife as well.
So i'm not just trying to treat symptoms.
I've been reading the Bible more and praying more than I have in the past, jus trying to get closer to God and guess what. That works really well as well. Who would have thunk it.
Jason
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