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safeplace
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Posted: Fri Apr 25th, 2008 06:47 pm |
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| Ok, it has been a couple of months since my wife approached me about porn. I admitted that I have dealt with it since I was about 12. I NEVER had a physical affair, yet she thinks I did. There have been two different times that I thought she was getting through this. I mean we have had a couple of weekends (when we are both in eachothers company the most) that were awesome for us and the kids. Now its been three weeks of hell. I feel like I am about to loose her. I am trying to be patient and see it through faith, but for the first time I am very scared that the world as I know it is about to change. (it has already) but changed in the since of loosing her. I have gotten a couple of good leads on counceling and have talked with them, but, my wife will not make the call to ask questions. She is scared too, and I don't blame her. I know some of you have been through this, so, any sound advice would be helpful. Thanks
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Looking for a safe place to share thoughts of addiction and to glean help from the like. I have been married 19 years. We have to kids 16 and 10
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Apr 25th, 2008 09:37 pm |
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Hi safeplace,
I am speaking from the woman's perspective.
Does she believe she has evidence of an affair, or is it "woman's intuition?" When we find pornography, our heads and hearts start spinning, gouged to the core of our being, and we do not always get four when we add two and two. Fear and paing take over, and reason flutters in the wind. It can be a three steps forward and two steps back process, so try not to be discouraged by the roller coaster.
Counselling will need to be for both of you, together and separately--you for your addiction, her for what she's going through, and together for healing in your marriage. 19 years is a long time to give up with out a concerted effort, especially with children.
I do not understand what call she needs to make. Is she not willing for you to make an appointment, and go with you? Has she shared what she is afraid of?
It is important to answer her questions transparently, but not necessarily to flood her with every detail, unless she makes it clear that she wants all the gory details.
Rebuilding trust is a lengthy process, and is lengthened exponentially with any further breaches.
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Sat Apr 26th, 2008 10:25 am |
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As always, truthseeker has some good advice.
There may be work that you and your wife need to do together in order to help the two of you relate in the wake of your actions, but much of the work of recovery is stuff we addicts have to do for ourselves. My own wife has not chosen to do couples counseling with me, feeling in essence that she is handling things pretty well, and that I'm the one who has messed up.
But I still need counseling for me if I'm to deal with my addiction. I still need to read about addiction and I still need to talk to fellow addicts and I still need to attend 12-step meetings and I still need to work hard on myself. I would need to do all those things even if I were no longer married, and I certainly need to do those things if I'm to stay married.
Even if we were doing counseling together, I'd still need individual counseling because I need a place where I can talk about details and struggles that are too much information for my wife, and because it's easier slowly to unpack some of my history and my pain in a place where I don't always have to think about how my wife is reacting to every word.
Working on myself, for myself, helps me; and seeing me do this helps my wife see that I'm serious about recovery, serious about becoming a better person, and therefore serious about improving my relationship with her and with the kids.
So nothing stops you from finding a counselor for yourself and from finding support groups for yourself and from working your own program of recovery. Maybe seeing some action from you and some change in you might move your wife to become involved in counseling with you or by herself, but whether it does or not, finding recovery for ourselves is the biggest thing we can do to improve our lives and relationships.
And what truthseeker says about the roller coaster is right, too. That roller coaster is just going to happen, but we can still try to be calm and patient and loving and to realize that the pain we've caused over years won't be over in a day or a week or a year.
Just how it seems to me, of course.
Tim M.
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safeplace
Member
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Posted: Sat Apr 26th, 2008 11:57 pm |
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Thank you - Yes she did see the evidince. I have given her all the details. The she needs to make is the the wife of a counciling couple. My wife is not trusting very many people these days (rightfully so) therefore she has a lot of questions.
On another note, over the span of our marriage our love life was not healthy. We would go MONTHS. Then I would say to my self, "do not cheat" so I wouldnt. But I know i was cheating through the stupid porn. I find myself (only in my mind and writing it for the first time here) justifying my actions over the years - IT IS NOT HER FAULT, however when I would get mad , I would turn to porn. Is that normal? If so I want to be abnormal.
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Looking for a safe place to share thoughts of addiction and to glean help from the like. I have been married 19 years. We have to kids 16 and 10
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Apr 27th, 2008 03:35 am |
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Hi safeplace,
A healthy intimate life can be very challenging to maintain amongst the stresses of work, chores, parenting, even church activities, etc. It takes a concerted effort on both spouses' parts, and can be derailed by many issues, such as the ones I already mentioned, health, or especially for women, emotional perceptions. Sometimes it gets to be a tug-of-war that leaves the man feeling rejected, and the woman feeling objectified, in simplistic terms. When intimacy becomes a point of stress in a marriage, instead of the bond God intended it to be, then it is compounded with pornography, it is likely to take outside counsel to help both of you break the destructive patterns which have developed, and learn or re-learn healthy intimate interaction.
I testify to the joy that taking the time and effort to do so brings.
If your wife knows that you are seeking support here, then perhaps she might wish to create a user name and send me a private message in order to receive support and encouragement from a wife who has been there, more or less, as the details differ from couple to couple.
Trusting can be very hard, but it beats the alternative of anxiety and fear.
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Sun Apr 27th, 2008 05:25 pm |
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hi safeplace. i just wanted to say a quick welcome to you and tell you that i can identify with your acting out when angry. that is a huge trigger for me as well. i think it is just at these times when the evil one attacks, we are weak enough that we easily fall prey to his trap. i am with you tho, if it's normal, i don't want to be.
bless you,
sam
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Journey
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Posted: Sun Apr 27th, 2008 10:56 pm |
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Hi, safeplace,
I'm sorry to hear it's been "like hell" for you. You've already been given great advice above. I just want to encourage you to assure your wife that you are in there for the long haul and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get help for yourself, to get back to walking in God's way. Assuming, of course, that you TRULY DO feel that way. Then follow it with action.
In our case, I am the wife and the one with the sexual addiction. my husband is the one with the fear. We have both been in full-time Christian ministry in the past (not presentlly) and knew alot of answers in our heads, but it's different when it's yourself having the struggles. We have both experienced a lot of emotional pain. I sought counseling for myself first and he eventually followed. I joined a local Celebrate Recovery group 3 months ago, and now he has decided to start coming to the Friday night fellowships at Celebrate Recovery. So just take a step at a time, you doing what God directs you to do for help for yourself.
In Christian love,
Journey
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safeplace
Member
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Posted: Thu May 1st, 2008 01:28 am |
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| Once again I feel like she is about to leave. She will not talk to anyone (trust issue) I have a couple of ladies for her to talk to but she will not do it. I am fearful that she is planning her exit.
____________________
Looking for a safe place to share thoughts of addiction and to glean help from the like. I have been married 19 years. We have to kids 16 and 10
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Journey
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Posted: Thu May 1st, 2008 02:49 pm |
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Is she talking to you? What is she saying she wants/needs?
Journey
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