I want to thank the three of you for replying. I read them back when you posted, but I have not had time to reply.
We have had three more out of town trips since your replies. So many in such a short time frame is unusual.
At first, I felt I was wrong to have started posting. It was a pity party. But still, so much good has come out of it. I got a lot off my chest and received some wise advice that has helped me immensely. These past couple weeks would have been too much to handle if I had not been here to this board and read your replies.
I did well. It wasn't easy but it was much more peaceful than usual. Does that make sense? Trying to explain it... I didn't have the extreme inner turmoil and guilt. I felt like I knew what it is the Lord expects of me and I was able to follow through with confidence. I set my boundaries and I stuck by them without guilt.
There was a lot of driving time involved in these trips and I got up the courage to speak and stick to my limits. I didn't even bother explaining my reasons again because I had done it soooo many times in the past. I didn't feel any guilt. That is new. As the woman who is supposed to be in the submissive not a leading, that is a totally new feeling.
I feel like I am finally free to follow my conscience in this area without guilt popping up in the submission area. These two areas have been at odds for so long and my conscience was always guilt ridden over one area or the other. I can not explain how liberating this is! Liberating, peaceful; they are all understatements. Nothing can discribe how the end to this 12 years of turmoil feels! It has to be God's doing! And I want you to know he used you all, big time, to help me get here. I am willing to bet that the prayers had a lot to do with it too. Thank you all for praying!!!
Wisdom, I am sooo glad you clarified what you were saying. I had misunderstood you before.
I know I will be dealing with more crud; memories, triggers, and such. But I now feel I have the God given right to not put myself through stuff that hurts me and gives me a guilty conscience just to be submisive and please my husband.
I am confident that I am skilled and enough and pretty enough for my age that I can be pleasing without the props and public display. Add the love that should be be at the center of all this and the blessing of God on the marriage covenant, and things should be great. If it is not enough for him, he will have to live with it or count me out of the picture.
I feel like God is going to bless this. I can't explain it. I just do. I feel strengthened and boldness in away that only can be coming from him. He used you all to help me get here, but I feel something supernatural too.
Thank you for your prayers.
I should change my name to "broken chains." 
Last edited on Sat Apr 5th, 2008 04:21 pm by PleaseStop_ItsKillingMe
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