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decide2love
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Posted: Wed Dec 5th, 2007 08:16 pm |
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Men, tell me if I have the analogy somewhat right... In difference to the pain and neglect that husbands cause their wives when they are SA to P&M:
Husband and wife walks into a room where there is a social gathering. The men are standing in a group around the food table talking and the women are sitting scattered and talking or looking around the room.
The husband says I'll be back in a minute I have to go talk to Bob about the meeting today... He walks away and she saunters over to the food table. She begins to talk to the men standing there and then begins to ask them if they would like her to fix their plates. Husband walks up to her and asks her to fix his plate and she says, "Not now, I'm fixing Mike's plate, and then I have George's, and Paul's, and Tom's, and Mr. Mayberry's, ...well you see the line, you'll just have to wait your turn, besides you don't need aything to eat, you're getting thick in the middle and you know how I hate that." Husband goes and sits down, knowing every man at that table heard his wife's comments. She gets finished serving Mr. Mayberry, and husband approaches wife and says, "Honey, now fix me a plate." She says, "No not now, I need to go and freshen up a bit," and walks off to the ladies room. She comes out of the ladies room to find her husband fixing his plate, she takes it from him and laughs mockingly and says, "You're such a little boy. Sometimes you act like such a baby. Couldn't you wait just another minute? I said I'd be back." She scrapes some of the food off the plate and hands him much less than a child sized portion and hands it to him and says, "Here you go darling, don't get any more than this, you know you will get even fatter and then more lazy than you are right now. If you worked out more or went jogging or did something around the house you wouldn't have those love handles."
She turns and smiles toward the men around the table and says, "George, come here, your collar is turned up. Let me fix that for you." She reaches up and fixes his collar pressing herself indescretly into him. The she turns and says, "Fred, did you know that my wonderful husband here is such a coward! We had a snake in the garden and I had to kill it! I found him at the top of the stairs inside the house shaking with fright and yelling at the top of his lungs, 'Is it dead!' I laughed so hard and when he came outside to see if it was gone I threw the snake at him. It was just a little green snake. He took off and I thought he was going to have a heart attack, and he's only 35." She turns to her husband and wipes his chin off, and says, "You never did learn table manners! Now, why don't you go get me a soda, and make it a diet."
She spies Lenny accross the room sitting in a chair with his back to her and walks over to him and plays with the hairs at the back of his neck, gently pats him on the back, leans over his right shoulder so her lips are close to his ear and says, "Lenny, you look good enough to eat! Come over to the house Monday night and I'll fix you dinner and we can watch the game. You know my husband will be out of town and we can keep each other company."
She leaves Lenny and walks up to husband and he says, "Did you go by the hardware store and pick up that weedeater I asked you to?" She says, "No, I went by the mall and bought a new pair of shoes and matching purse. You should see them! They are to die for!" He says, "I thought you agreed to pick that up to help me out." She says, "Well, I changed my mind. If you want the stupid weed eater then you go and get it your self." She has become annoyed that he doesn't appreciate that she is trying to look her best.
She sees Stanley nearby and goes over to him and says, "I heard you got a promotion last week. Congratulations! You are so good at your job and I'm thrilled for you. I bet you could do your job and my husbands with one arm tied behind your back. My poor husband has trouble finding his socks in the morning and I constantly have to remind him to comb his hair, what he has left of it, that is! But... I'm sure he'll be as good as you and will amount to something some day, and then maybe we could afford to get new furniture, and we won't have to go to the thrift store anymore."
Finally, she turns her attention to the women in the room. She goes over and sits down. She leans into the group and says, "I've got to tell you what my husband did last night. I don't know what's the matter with him! We're in the middle of making love and he goes limp as a noodle. Couldn't get it up again to save his life! I mean honestly, you'd think with all those vitamins he takes that he could at least last three minutes!"...and she continues on and on and on...
Husband goes to wife, now angry and ashamed of her behavior, and says, "I think we are ready to go." She says, "O, but people are still arriving and I'm having such a good time. Me and the ladies were just talking. I want to stay a while longer." He starts to mildly insist and she says, "You're such a party pooper, if only you'd learn to get along and socialize with people!," she stands up and heads toward the door leaving him standing there aghast at her betrayals.
Husband and wife leave the party. Husband is silently seething. She starts rattling on about what a good time she had and that they should do it more often. Finally he turns to wife in the car and says, "Why did you act like that?" Wife says, "I don't know what you mean." He says, "Making me wait for my plate, and then calling me names, and fixing George's collar." She says, "Honestly, I was just trying to be helpful. Why are you complaining? If you had a problem why didn't you just say something?" He says, "Why did you tell them about the snake? You know I am terrified of snakes." She says, "Oh, I was just making conversation." He says, "Well, what about inviting Lenny over to fix him dinner and watch the game. You don't even cook anymore and you hate sports!" She says, "I was just trying to be nice, you know his wife left him and I thought he would like the company. Besides you won't be home, so what does it matter?" Husband doesn't even want to approach the subject of what she said to the ladies, so he says, "I just want you to respect me. I need that, especially when we are around the people I work with." Wife says, "I do respect you. Why are you being so ugly to me? Do I ever do anything right? I can't please you at all, can I? I can't do anything right." ...and she pouts the rest of the night, and into the next three days.
Next day husband goes into work and he over hears a conversation... "You know his wife is something else, do you think he'll be able to do the job... I mean, if he can't keep his wife in check, if she doesn't respect him, how is he going to lead this team?"
Similar scenarios happen every time they go out, and he gets to the point where he doesn't want to take her anywhere and begins to leave her at home and comes home later and later each evening. He volunteers for more business trips. She complains more about his time away from home and his lack of interest in her, she spends more money and buys more stuff she doesn't need or even want, and eventually they just shut each other out.
She thinks she is a doting wife, just making conversation, making light of life, and taking care of him. She refuses to listen to anything he has to say about her disrespecting him because she thinks she already does.
In reality she is destroying the marriage, the intimacy, showing him no respect at all, dishonoring him at home and in public. She is undermining his authority, as well as destroying the respect his co-workers had for him.
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Am I right in assuming that if this scenario was repeated, from a man's perspective, eventually the marriage would be over because she was refusing to respect and honor her husband (what he needs the most) and her wedding vows, and she consistantly tore him down instead of building him up?
I'm just trying to get the analogy right for the sake of my understanding.
Last edited on Wed Dec 5th, 2007 08:27 pm by decide2love
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Seeking God
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Posted: Fri Dec 7th, 2007 01:50 am |
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Decide,
When I read this post, I was overwhelmed with grief and anger for that wife. Because she have broken the marriage covenant. How sad it is to be the husband! Is this how you've felt? I pray so you will have patience and courage to bear this, dear sister.
For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. (1Co 7:14-17)
On another side, it dawned me,
Is this how God felt when we:
grumble and complain?
turn to lust and porn?
ignore Him day after day?
just asking for more blessing and less of Him?
Last edited on Fri Dec 7th, 2007 03:02 am by Seeking God
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decide2love
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Posted: Fri Dec 7th, 2007 12:33 pm |
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Thank you for your reply. Yes, I believe this is how we wives feel when our husbands refuse to love us and turn to P&M instead.
I wrote this in hopes of understanding a little better. Trying to compare the way a wife disrespects and dishonors a husband and chooses to fullfill her own desires, to the way a husband does not love his wife but chooses P&M and self satisfaction. Selfishness is greedy and destroys.
The wife in this story, over time, totally tears down and destroys her relationship with her husband and refuses to listen to his needs as a man.
No, I don't do this to my husband, although I have to admit that it is becoming VERY difficult to respect and honor him, whether in private or in public. I do not want to be with him because of his constantly looking for his next body to use in his Ming. It sickens me when I see his eyes lock onto a body and either smile and shake his head 'yes' in finding one or frowning and shaking his head 'no' and continuing his search until he does find one. This occurs anywhere we go, and I mean anywhere. And then his acting out in the bed next to me after he thinks I've gone to sleep, or he knows I've gone to sleep.
There is a reason we are commanded to respect and honor our husbands. It does not come naturally to us women to do so. What comes naturally is to love and coddle and to nurture. Men are commanded to love their wives and that is not a natural thing for men. They conquer and correct and dominate. There is no domination or conquering in love. Love is humility through and through for a man (it is for a woman too, but for the sake of comparrisons here...) Our humility as wives is to respect and honor our husbands, especially when we do not think they deserve it. And a husbands humility is in showing and giving love to a wife, especially when he does not think she deserves it. We are commanded to humble ourselves before God in our particular stations, whether husband or wife, but not in the way which comes natural... it must be in the way of what each of the other needs to feel wholesome and intimate with the other. If I disrespect and dishonor my husband, then in turn he is not going to want to love me. He might do it out of obedience to God, but the desire to do it because he wants to, will not be there. The same goes for him... if he does not love me then I am not going to want to respect and honor him, I will do it out of obedience to God, but the desire to do it because I want to for the simple pleasure of seeing him light up, is gone. I don't care whether he lights up or burns out right now. I am walking on obedience because I fear God and my relationship with Him is what is most important. He has said that obedience is better than sacrifice, so obedience is what I move in..
(By no means am I implying that to continue on in respecting and honoring my husband will it change him... he has to want to change. I am saying that my station is to respect and honor him whether I want to or not.)
I just wanted to understand a little better about the difference in what makes a marriage crumble from my side, and express my thoughts on how a man feels when a wife does not do her utmost toward her part. That's hard, because I am a woman, and understanding a man does not come simply because I want it to.
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Seeking God
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Posted: Sat Dec 8th, 2007 05:55 am |
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Decide2Love,
As your name implies,
You have decided to love,
You have decided to choose God,
As Ruth have choose God, over her native lands
But Ruth said, "Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. (Rth 1:16)
And so I pray,
Dear God, so You will give strength to my sister, let her dwell in You,
A loving God, justice and righteousness is the foundation of Your throne
Be kind to her, as you have shown mercy to Ruth, and all those who went before us
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. (1Co 13:4-8)
Because You are Love,
In Your name we trust.
Jesus Christ
Amen
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decide2love
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Posted: Sat Dec 8th, 2007 12:50 pm |
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Thank you SeekingGod.
The Lord told me last night that I am to get to the place where I am grateful for the crumbs that fall from the Masters table. Each time my H throws crumbs at me I do not want to eat them. I want to throw them in the trash and starve.
I have decided to Love, because the Love of God is in me. But just because I wrestle with that decision each day and stick with it, does not mean that I enjoy it all the time, nor does it mean that I am to the point where it is something I want to do. I want to be made willing in that I have no regrets for loving. I am not there yet, and after the word last night from the Lord, I simply hurt. There will come a day when I will rejoice, but now I hurt to the point of shaking.
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. D2L
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Hisheart
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Posted: Thu Dec 13th, 2007 07:54 am |
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I know that there is a lot of talk about love verses respect, but to me it's simple. I love my husband because Christ first loved me. Now if I love him, then I look at the scriptures to show me what that means.
1 Cor 13:4-8
4 Love is patient , love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.....
NIV
Okay if I am doing these things, then I am also respecting. I am not saying that you are wrong about respect, it's just that for me, it makes more sense this way, and it really does take care of respect. Remember Jesus gave us 2 commandments, to love the Lord our God with all our hearts and all our minds, and to love our brothers and sisters as ourselves. Everything else will fall into place when we do this.
I am sorry for your pain, and I will pray for you. Just remember that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
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Hisheart
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Posted: Thu Dec 13th, 2007 08:01 am |
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Your comment about being grateful for the crumbs reminds me of something that the Lord showed me awhile back. God loves you, and He will love you in many ways and people. Be open to receiving that love through whatever means it is offered. Masybe your husband is not showing love to you, then this means that he is not the vessel through which God is loving you at that moment, so be watching and aware. Pay attention to the small child at the store who just can't seem to stop smiling at you, or the clerk at the grocery store who pays you a compliment, etc. God showed me that these times were not mere coincidences, but Him loving me, and that I could close myself off to receiving His love, if I was only looking for it to come through he means which I thought it should come, or if I wnated it to come a certain way.
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decide2love
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Posted: Thu Dec 13th, 2007 11:52 am |
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You know... I am so thankful for the people on this board!
I am so focused on not getting love from my H that I negated receiving love any other way, outside of my family.
You are so right, and thank you for your words. They have encouraged me and I feel lighter and humbled. (I am crying.)
Thank you Lord for this precious sister and the words You have given through her. Forgive me for not seeing and not receiving Your Love through other avenues.
Thank you HisHeart!
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