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bigj714
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 07:03 am |
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made it about the two week mark and the urge just kept rising, and i of course gave in to porn... seems all this theology ive been digestion is just heaping condemnation on my head.....forgiveness doesnt benefit me if im not set free and overcome this.. correct?...............maybe chemical castration might be the only way.
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 07:44 am |
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Is there anything else you can think of that you are not doing for your recovery taht you could pick up now? Anything you might be resisting or might not have managed to try yet? For instance, I assume that before prescribing chemical castration, a physician would want to make sure you had really addressed the psychological side of your addiction as completely as possible. They'd probably want you to do things like
- Find a therapist with experience working with sex addicts and spend some serious time and energy - years not weeks - working with them.
- Be involved in a serious way with other addicts in some sort of support group structure. 12-steppers often encourage newcomers to begin by doing 90 meetings in 90 days, but also by getting a sponsor and working the steps.
- Do in-patient rehab for your addiction as another part of really focusing on how to build a new life.
Doing things like that has made an enormous difference in my life and in the lives of many of my friends. Among other things, it has made clear to me that my problems are not chemical but psychological, and that drugs would not lead me to a new life.
Is there anything like that you haven't done, or that you might benefit by doing again?
I worry that by thinking about an impractical and impossible solution you may be distracting yourself from solutions that are practical and possible.
Tim M.
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bigj714
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 07:53 am |
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truth is im a pervert and i love watching porn.....i even managed a sexshop at one point............i had 8 months free when i first repented....no sex, no porn, no masturbation.....but it seems im stuck in this pattern now......im stuck indoors with a chronic health condition and am pretty much isolated nowadays....pretty much forsaken......so i dont know what to do..........i want to jump off the cliff the way i feel physically now so i end up trying to feel some pleasure i guess......overcame drugs and booze and sex but i still am falling short of grace.....................
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 08:35 am |
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Well, you know, if you're unable to travel to meetings, the S-fellowships have online and phone meetings. You might also be able to arrange phone counseling if you're sufficiently disabled to be unable to make it to a counselor's office.
Of course, if what you're saying at the beginning is that you haven't yet decided you want to quit, then that's your business. If you really are ready to do anything to get free, then be sure you don't give up and forsake yourself before you need to.
Just thoughts, of course.
Tim M.
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bigj714
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 09:10 am |
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yeah i want to quit....im just being real.......i could say i hate it,but if that was the truth i wouldnt have a problem......
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bigj714
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 10:59 am |
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i think your right,,,,i need to get involved and get accountable. this lone ranger deal is guaranteeed failure....that said i just located a celbrate recovery deal on friday nights.....do you know anything about that?......im not looking to replace my church,as its has solid teaching. im just not finding any support there.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 03:22 pm |
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Hi bigj714,
There is no such thing as "falling short of grace." If you could earn it, it wouldn't be grace. I have heard grace defined as "God's Riches At Christ's Expense," giving us what we do not deserve, and mercy as not giving us what we do deserve.
I have heard great things about Celebrate Recovery. By all means, give it a try.
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 03:29 pm |
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Excellent! As I tell people often, addiction is a disease of isolation, and it's hard to beat isolation by yourself.
I don't have direct experience with Celebrate Recovery, but there's at least one man in one of my SAA meetings who is quite active in it.
Recovery meetings can't and shouldn't replace church, but I certainly know that for me, the 12-step program opened up a new and deeper trust and relationship with God that is transforming my experience as a Christian.
Finally, I do think your honesty about not being sure about the future is good. We have to start out by admitting our powerlessness. Before I got into recovery, I was always quitting for the last time, trying to sound as positive as I could that this time I was really through. I've benefited more from the humility that comes from accepting that I don't know what I might do tomorrow, but that today I can commit to acts of recovery.
As always, just how it seems to me.
Tim M.
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Paulos
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 05:19 pm |
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Bigj714,
Presumably during your eight months clean you didn't experience this rising, crushing urge that torments you now as days stretch into weeks. What exactly is the difference? Obviously it's not at the level of physiology, since that must have been the same in both frames. Were you more socially related then, less isolated? Were opportunities to turn to porn fewer or less accessible? Was your time and energy occupied with healthy things? Desire swells when it feeds on memories and finds an opportunity to act ready to hand.
To combat obsessive memories many practice a discipline of self-distraction. TimM speaks of stepping aside mentally, praying a confession of powerlessness, and letting the temptation pass into Christ's care. There must also be a setting of the mind on some other, genuinely absorbing matter: not "I'm going to think about this in order not to think about p & m" (since that leaves p & m in control even as we react against them), but "P & m are threatening to take my attention away from this worthy task that I really want to see through." Attention may need to be redirected many times a day for several months on end.
To diminish opportunities it can be helpful to make lifestyle changes. An internet filter with the password controlled by an accountability partner can be a partial help. More fundamental is to close off the heart by seeing each chance to use p & m as an opportunity to go deeper into slavery. Take the long view and ask where the immediate relief will lead. Where do I want to be next year at this time? Ten years from now? What choices must I make now to get there? See Proverbs 7.
Last edited on Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 07:24 pm by Paulos
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Sun Oct 28th, 2007 04:41 am |
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You know, it's often easier to throw your hands up and say, well I am just defective.
It seems somehow nobler then pressing on.
I say this only because I am a recovering drug and sex addict and alocholic.
It was always easier for me to say, oh well, I am just too broken.
I have about four or so "psychiatric labels". I have had secular and christian counselors pat me on the head and tell me that I shouldn't really expect to be normal, seriously.
I will tell you something that most counselors and people at large never say.
Jesus never walked up on anyone and said, Well DAG you are just too broken to fix. I guess you'll have to stay that way.
Continue to press on though it hurts.
Never let anyone tell you that you are beyond the reach of God because that's simply not true.
If I can accomplish what I have, and God is no respecter of persons, then he will do for you what he has done for me.
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bigj714
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Posted: Sun Oct 28th, 2007 07:39 pm |
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you know it goes beyond just a copout....im just having a real crisis of faith....i basically turned my back on my old life,and have been trying my hardest to run from sin. although ive been searching and seeking, im still hardly set free. and to add to this struggle ive prettty much lost everything. im too sick to do any work, i pretty much look forward to going to sleep , and even that doesnt satisfy as i wake up 10 times a night with a headache. the doctors cant seem to help and im out of money for that anyways. cant even get help from the government since ive never paid taxes. everyone has turned their back on me...soon ill be on the street with a chronic headahce. I keep asking myself "where is God in all of this?....seek ye first the kingdom of God. and what will be added unto me?.....suffering and hardship i guess...........and then the sin.....in spite of tons of bible knowledge......i still dont have any assurance in my heart.......sorry to sound like a crybaby.....im just on the verge of blowing my head off
Last edited on Sun Oct 28th, 2007 07:41 pm by bigj714
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guitarist63
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Posted: Sun Oct 28th, 2007 07:49 pm |
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BigJ714,
You certainly have a tonne of problems. Please try and get some local help from somebody - a charitable group, church, anybody that can help to ease your problems. Help financially. I am disabled myself, no job and likely (according to my GP) never to have a job ever again so I can understand some of your frustration. I will pray for your headaches and anything else I (and others here) can pray about. Please don't isolate yourself and keep coming here and get some local help. Please don't do what you said you'd do. Read Psalm 139 to the end of verse 18 to see how much God loves you. Don't rely on feelings. It may seem that God is far away but He is near - all the time. Trust in Him. Surrender to Him and trust Him for all your needs.
Last edited on Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 12:59 pm by guitarist63
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bigj714
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Posted: Mon Oct 29th, 2007 01:20 am |
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if God is here,i dont know what he wants. all i can see is relief in ending this. my life is worhless to me and everybody else, so whats the point.
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Mon Oct 29th, 2007 01:28 am |
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I remember those dark days - trust and believe me, I do.
Find something, anything in which you put hope, true hope, not the way the world sees hope. The world has turned the word hope to mean "wish" but it orginally did not mean that at all - it meant, "Hop to a safe place".
The sun will rise tomorrow - I promise - and you will find your way out of the valley and to the top of a mountain.
it will most likely be a very lonely and hard thing - but most good things are.
You will not be in this spot forever if you keep pressing on.
Find whatever the next right thing is and do it - ie brushing your teeth, making your bed, whatever - anything no matter how small, Keep doing the next right thing over and over and over again.
A lot of things truly are one small thing at a time.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Mon Oct 29th, 2007 01:31 am |
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BigJ714
I value you here BigJ714 and I'm sure others here will say the same. God also values you highly enough to have created you in the first place and (if you read Psalm 139), designed you before your birth. Your problems are on top of you so please try and get some help. Are there any disability organizations that can help you. Can you remind me what kind of disability you have? Perhaps I might be able to suggest something.
I've prayed for you and will keep praying for breakthrough in your circumstances.
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bigj714
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Posted: Mon Oct 29th, 2007 01:33 am |
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this is going on four years of a constant headache getting worse all the time.......ive lost 25 pounds , im a shell of my former self......this isnt going away
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guitarist63
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Posted: Mon Oct 29th, 2007 01:35 am |
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What causes the headaches, BigJ714? Have you had a scan to find out what is going on to cause those headaches?
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bigj714
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Posted: Mon Oct 29th, 2007 01:41 am |
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welll ive had two sinus surgeries that didnt do anything....the allergist thinks i have allergy headaches......the gp thinks giving me prozac is supposed to help ...ive been told its a migraine by a neurologist....another neuro thinks ii have tmd.........nobody knows....pills help for a little while but the headache is always there........my life is passing me by.....im 33 and icant see going through life like this.........in the gutter with a mirgraine.
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bigj714
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Posted: Mon Oct 29th, 2007 01:43 am |
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i dont mean to burden you guys with what im thinking......im sorry to trouble.but its truly whre im at
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guitarist63
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Posted: Mon Oct 29th, 2007 01:58 am |
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You carry on, BigJ714, it's good to hear from you and I hope that your sharing here will help you towards solutions to your suffering. I feel for you very much so I'll keep praying for you.
Prozac is one of the SSRI drugs (six or seven of them on the market) and I know it's prescribed as an anti-depressant. I don't know enough about them to comment further and certainly no medical expertise.
I can see how frustrating it must be for you to have so many medics giving contrary opinions as to what is causing the headaches. Has there been a brain scan? I'd have thought a scan would be essential as a first step towards trying to find out the cause of the headaches.
Last edited on Mon Oct 29th, 2007 01:59 am by guitarist63
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