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Pantera
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 05:18 pm |
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I just need an advice from all of you, please.
Our family just survived from the addictions we r talking about here and thanks to this website as I't would be very hard for me without it's help. Me and my husband are trying to keep the right way we started and I'm supporting him as much as I can.
Because I know he had pornography addiction and now he's fighting against it, I try to be more attractive for him, I try to start a new life with him /spiritually as well/.
I have two kids and after having kids my body is very different and not the way I wanted it to stay or to be. I have a complex about it a bit. So, I have in my mind to do breast implants but there is something holding me back and I don't know what.
I just have a question, please - Do u think to take care of the body on this way is evil? We r close to each other but now I try to be more attractive for my husband physically as well.
Do u think this surgery is not acceptable for God or I'm judging to strong or too narrow ?
Please, help me with my decision.
Last edited on Sun Sep 9th, 2007 05:19 pm by Pantera
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TimM
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 07:52 pm |
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My worry about this course of action is that it seems to be placing responsibility for your husband's addiction on you. His behavior isn't about your appearance. On another board I read there is a woman who worked as a model in New York and in Paris, and still her husband cheated with porn. Our addiction is not about how our wives look. It's about our own fears and resentments and emotional isolation.
When I read about women getting plastic surgery, I worry about husbands who are still not taking responsibility for their own actions. I worry about husbands who think that changing their wives will change them. I worry about husbands i whose minds it is still OK to cheat again as their wives get older. I also worry about wives who feel they are responsible for their husbands' addictions. I worry about wives who think that by changing themselves they can change their husbands. I worry about wives who hope that by having surgery they do not really want they can make themselves feel better emotionally - wives who do not understand in a deep enough way that God did not make mistakes when he made them as they are.
Those would be my worries about having plastic surgery. Of course, it's not my body, bit I worry about you becoming something that isn't you, only to find that your husband still returns to his active adiction. I think this would be very painful.
12-step fellowships often counsel members not to make any major changes in the first year. What would happen if you were to decide not to make any decision on this question until your husband has a year or 2 of sobriety so that you can both think about it from a position of deeper wisdom and sanity and of more emotional intimacy?
Tim M.
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guitarist63
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 11:55 pm |
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I saw a film when I was about ten - Ash Wednesday with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. It was about a wife making herself look beautiful for her husband by having major plastic surgery on her face and body. I remember the desperate row in the film where the wife confronts her (unloving?) husband and saying what lengths she had gone to to try and make herself look pretty for him. I was a smallish boy at the time and this subject was way over my head. It wasn't really a suitable subject for a child to watch! The point that film seems to make is that whatever one partner might do to make herself look attractive to the other partner, she cannot solve the real problem which (as I recall) in the film was the alcoholism of her husband. It's a long time ago since I saw the film - 1973. I might have got some of the details wrong. Powerfully acted. Never saw the film again. I have just checked Amazon for the date and the certificate. Date is correct - 1973. It's an R rating. I was wrong about Burton as the husband - it was Henry Fonda, that other brilliant actor. I remember the plastic surgery scenes at the beginning as being especially unpleasant to see. Not suitable for children, in my opinion.
Last edited on Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 02:43 pm by guitarist63
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Pantera
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Posted: Mon Sep 10th, 2007 05:01 pm |
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TimM wrote: ... I worry about wives who hope that by having surgery they do not really want they can make themselves feel better emotionally - wives who do not understand in a deep enough way that God did not make mistakes when he made them as they are.
I have a godfather from who I learn many things about God. Once he told me that praying every day /with all ur heart/ at the same time can make miracles. I was hopeless about my husband's addiction, I was very depressed... and I was seriously thinking of divorce when I decided to give another try by following the advice of my godfather. Then I found this website. I printed out some stories and advices, thoughts of people and left it in his car and I started to pray every day at the same time and to ask God to help us to come out of this kind of problem. IT REALLY WORKED!
And I never stop asking and thanking Him.
Thank u for ur advices Tim, I really love every thing u posted and especially the sentence above. Thank u so much.
The last sentence tells many things about my concerns but again I need to clear up something for myself.
I'm thankful to God for my body, for my life, for my parents, family - husband, kids, even for all difficulties I had in my life...I'm thankful to Him for everything in my life, the way it is and the way it goes... /even with it's problems/ as I think it still could be worse and I never exist without my God...
The only question about surgery leaves me restless - is it a crime to "change" the body - which I'll explain like taking care of it. Why do not do it if there is a chance to make it still nice? We-women try every kind of cosmetics, creams, medicines ... for our skins, faces, hair... so why not for the body? The main question is - will God approve that kind of surgery? is it acceptable for God?
Last edited on Mon Sep 10th, 2007 05:19 pm by Pantera
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Pantera
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Posted: Mon Sep 10th, 2007 05:08 pm |
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guitarist63, thank u so much for ur post.
I'm going to find and rent that film to watch.
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TimM
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Posted: Mon Sep 10th, 2007 05:18 pm |
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Pantera,
The last sentence really comes from my psychotherapist. I was beating myself up for something, I no longer remember what. He interrupted me, which almost never happens, and asked, "So what mistakes do you think God made . . . when God made you?"
I'd pay $110/50 minutes a lot of times just to hear a question like that once.
Tim M.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Sep 10th, 2007 07:33 pm |
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Hi Pantera,
I think that Tim has shed much wisdom on this matter already, but I will throw in two cents.
You cannot find in Scripture any direct admonitions about plastic surgery,since, of course, it did not exist at that time. I am not arguing that it would be sinful, though I think that these Scriptural principles may be relevant.
In light of the ten commandments, are you coveting a body like those that drew your husband's lustful heart? Are you idolizing such body types? Your h's issue is his own heart, not your body.
The bible tells us in 1 Sam. 16:7 that man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." Which of you, then, truly needs the makeover?
1 Peter 3:3-4 says in part, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment,...Instead, it should be that of your inner self,the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
Personally, I think that the risks inherent in any surgery, as well as the expense, would dissuade me from any but the most pressing medical need.
Men who expect their wives to look like they are twenty-something for the rest of their lives are lying to themselves, especially as they will not look that age for the rest of their lives either. If we marry on a foundation of appearance, it is a foundation of sand.
TruthSeeker
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decide2love
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Posted: Mon Sep 10th, 2007 07:41 pm |
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Before I married my husband, I had decided to get a pulenectomy, it's similar to a tummy tuck. I too have an extra amount of skin from having children and from being way over weight. I lost the weight for the surgery, but then I got married before the surgery.
We could not afford for me to have the proceedure done so I planned to wait for three years and save the money. BUT six months into our marriage I discovered that my H was a SA.
I am comming upon the planned date for the surgery and I brought it up to my H again a few weeks ago... his face lit up like a Christmas tree and he told me that when I had the surgery he would have to hide me away because of all the men who would then find me too attractive to ignore! Now, coming from a man who is a SA, it made me feel very hurt and worthless... not to mention ugly. I understand his addictive thought processes... but it still hurt. I immediately decided NOT to have the surgery until he has been in recovery for at least two years, and as of now he is not seeking recovery from anyone but his own willpower.
If I have the surgery, in the next six months as planned, I will be appealing to his lust, and I refuse to appeal to his lust. He either learns to love me in Christ or he doesn't, and if he doesn't... then I simply won't have the surgery until it becomes medically impossible to escape.
As far as it being right for you... it sounds as if you are trying to keep his attention on you to make yourself feel more secure because of his past. If he is recovered as you say, and you are recovered from the pain of the past then, he should love you for you as Father God created you to be. Now if the surgery is for medical reasons, that is a different story. I have read and heard from counselors that plastic surgery is very addicitve to a woman who feels insecure about herself, in that she is never satisfied with the way she looks and feels about herself. The next time the H glances too long at another woman... she wants to go have another piece of her body altered so that once again she can capture his attention for a little while longer.
May I make a suggestion? Just a suggestion... Purchase the DVDs "The Best Sex of Your Life" by Dr. Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. He has put out one for men only and another for women only under the same title. It helped me alot in understanding myself sexually and my role in helping my husband by drawing boundaries that are Godly.
In my prayers, decide2love
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Barb
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Posted: Mon Sep 10th, 2007 08:23 pm |
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Pantera
My thoughts: Are you contemplating this for the purpose of greater or better visual for your husband? Or is this for you personally to feel good about yourself? If you are doing this for your husband, I would say it is for the absolute wrong reasons. We (women) in general can never measure up to the images of porn or otherwise--nor should we. God created each of us-in His manner with His glorious measurements and intentions. Now, I am not opposed to the fixing things up for the right reasons, a tummy tuck...high on my lists of wishes....
I would caution you to examine your heart in this matter, if you are doing this just for your husband-will this be the extent to which you go to alter your appearances to be pleasing to him? Just food for thought.
Barb
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guitarist63
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Posted: Mon Sep 10th, 2007 08:38 pm |
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Dear Pantera, I'm glad the information about that old film was useful. I worried a little about giving it because I am not qualified at all to advise anyone about plastic surgery. You might want to close your eyes during the plastic surgery scene at the beginning of the film.
Last edited on Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 02:46 pm by guitarist63
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love&hate
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Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 12:55 am |
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Hey Pantera
Since you posted looking for opinions here is mine. I think Barb hit the nail on the head. I personally don't believe there is no inherent sin with plastic surgery. I don't think many of the cases of plastic surgery done today should actually be done however as we put soo much emphasis on appearance. However there is a time and place for it i feel. I am not married but i have had some minor procedures done that would classify as plastic surgery and i am glad i did it. It made me feel better about myself and i did it for no one else. I know God loved me either way.
A wife wanting to be attractive to her husband is great i think. I personally feel that a husband and wife have a duty to each other to look after themselves since our body is God's temple and in a sense our body also belongs to the spouse. I don't believe that this includes plastic surgery. The end result is it is primarily your choice (husband in his condition may not be trustworthy). Why not pray about it and leave it to the Lord and see if you feel the same about your desires down the road? Tim's idea of waiting for sobriety sounds wise.
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Pantera
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Posted: Wed Sep 19th, 2007 02:07 pm |
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THANK U SO MUCH FOR UR ADVICES, I'M SO HAPPY I FOUND A CORNER FOR ME THAT I CAN TALK OPENLY AND GET HONEST ADVICES FOR ME AS I DON'T HAVE SOMEONE TO TALK ABOUT MY PROBLEMS, TO SHARE IT, TO GET CLEVER ADVICES, DO NOT BE SHY TO TALK ABOUT EVERY THING...
My dears, I just found out about my husband's secretly continuing addiction. It was about an hour ago when someone broke in to his car /he uses his car a lot during his work/ and stole some money from there. I was the first one who saw it and I run to the car, to catch children who did, but they run away. And I turn to the broken car, saw a big envelope in his car. There was a DVD player with a pornography movies. I'm so broken inside, I'm so hurted and tired to be hurted... I was praying for him non stop, asking, begging him do not do it... I thought he stopped, he recovered, he understood me... as his attitude was changed, he had more attention for me and for family... I was so sure... now I feel I live in lie, I live in a life where is no trust, I feel lonely and betreyed many times. I can't stop crying and don't know what to do, it's so painful inside me...
He's not at home now, will be back soon and I don't know how to look at him, how to share the bed with him, how to think of my husband...it scares me, as I don't trust him anymore and I don't want to loose my family... I don't want to live in a lie as well...
He's got 2 brothers who are addicted to pornography as well /on their 50's now/ and they do it secretly from their wifes /their relationships also had problems about it/, even his father had this problem /on his 70's/ and they all look at it from "men thing" or "men r different than women" angle and they all thing there is nothing awful about it. Do u think it's genetic or smth.? is it possible?
Sometimes it seems as much he has difficulties about using he's "habit" that much makes it more exited for him, he trys to find many other ways of doing it secretly 
My husband's family is christian but they don't know anything else about Christianity except only the word "Christianity", so it's so hard for me to talk to him about his addiction in a way we do here. I think he never understands me.
Please, advice me something, help me to find a way to fix this...
(May be better to post this in Addiction corner) Last edited on Wed Sep 19th, 2007 02:18 pm by Pantera
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