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coreyhalliwell
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Posted: Mon May 7th, 2007 03:45 am |
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I've been a sexual addict ever since i can remember. I started masturbation and sexual manipulation with girls at about 6 which to some degree is normal. However as time went on i began engaging in masturbatory acts of touching and obsessing. I even began to have vivid sexual dreams without having SEEN full grown naked women in the first place.
As i turned 12, i began being able to ejaculate and it got to the point where at age 14 i masturbated up to 10 times a day. I just couldn't stop it was so easy and felt so good. As i grew into maturity i had pretty regular relationships with girls but i didnt end up having sex until i was 18, but i'll get to that later. At about age 15 i started frequenting "singles" websites and i had taken a liking to "Mature women" which as my friends have told me is normal. But i tend to do things in the extreme. It started off as simple chat with the women byt as i grew older and more bold i began meeting with them.
At age 18, i had to have sex. At my most dire time, i had asked my mom for her credit card to get something online. However i didnt tell her what this something was. I had purchased time on an Adult meeting website. Soon after i saw a 28 year old who was very beautiful but as i didnt earn the money the sex felt cheap and dirty. Not only that but i had gotten sex in a way that wasnt considered *run of the mill*. It realy got to me to the point where i stopped socializing in alot of ways because i felt so different and alienated.
Throughout this time (from 18-22) i have attempted time and time again to quit frequenting these sites and sleeping with women but it keeps beating me. The most time ive ever stayed away from the sites was about a year. During this year (20-21) i had(and still have) a very good and loving girl friend which is why it made it easy to stop visiting these websites. However i still wasn't being honest with myself and i ended up frequnting porn websites or having questionable chat with other girls. She eventually caught me doing this and our relationship hasn't been the same and under the stress of this i began going to the sites again. I have not met anyone yet but i fear i will... i almost want to... but every time i Climax from these sites i feel awful. The sick part is, is climaxing to images of these women inspires me to rebuild things with my girlfriend. It's almost as if my orgasms are a drug which promotes and hinders happiness. I honestly feel this is a TRUE addiction.
I know this issue delves much deeper into my psyche and being. And i think these are the main reasons for my addiction: My parent's Relationship (was awful), My mother her self(she frequently walked around naked  ), The way i was parented.
The sad part i find, is that i KNOW why this happens and i know how to stop it to a degree but i just dont. It's like a stress release for me when i feel i can't go anywhere else. It's crippling me to the point where i've stopped seeing my friends because nothing gives me that release or stimulous. I'm also beginning to feel like people are watching me or that they know about my addiction. I've told some friends and they say it's all part of an existental crisis that can be solved if i deal with it but i feel like i'm in REALLY deep.
Note: I recently lost my dad and i WANT to accept god into my life but i feel forsaken and lost to the point where i dont have the imagination or faith to believe in God i KNOW that prayer works, i know that the universe is enchanted with power that is harnessable through meditation, prayer, and god but i feel like i don't deserve it!
Last edited on Mon May 7th, 2007 03:48 am by coreyhalliwell
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon May 7th, 2007 07:52 pm |
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Hi coreyhalliwell,
I hope this does not seem trite. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16 You are a whosoever. 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." The requirement is that we believe and confess our sins. We bring nothing besides this humility to the equation. Yielding to God through Jesus Christ is the best hope you have to escape your bonds of addiction/sin. Read all of the articles on the BG homepage and begin to do as they instruct. Seeking a church which has a recovery group might, hopefully, indicate that it is more compassionate to those in such bondage.
Is there anything, school or work, for which you must have internet access? If not, it might be good to dispense with it.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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coreyhalliwell
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Posted: Wed May 9th, 2007 03:28 am |
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| Thanks Alot, But even having stopped for a year like i did... the guilt still wreaked havoc on my personal relationships and my sense of self... if i begin to do positive things will it start to override my guilt?
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed May 9th, 2007 04:02 am |
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Hi coreyhalliwell,
God's conviction brings us to repentance, but it is Satan who heaps on guilt once we have been forgiven. It is God's love, grace, and mercy that eradicates our true guilt before God. Nothing we can do would ever be good enough to make up for what we have done, but Jesus took all of the punishment for our sins on the cross in order for those who trust Him to be able to stand before the Father guiltless, seen clothed in Christ's righteousness. Feelings of guilt, once we have asked forgiveness, are just that, feelings, lies of Satan to attempt to keep us in bondage. The tough thing is that most of our societal mind-set is based on earning what we receive and paying our own debts. Even when someone gives us a gift we feel obligated to give them one in return. God does actually desire something from us, a moldable heart, not a perfect one, but one that is receptive to being formed by Him to be more like His Son each day. I believe that as you begin to focus on God and His plan for your life, and less on yourself and your past, that those feelings of guilt will fade. There is work you have to do to recover, as Mike outlines in his articles.
http://www.blazinggrace.org
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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