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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Mon Mar 24th, 2008 03:17 pm |
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To all my fellow travelers, and especially Holdsworth and Guitarist63:
My wife and I had a most blessed Easter. First thing in the morning we received a miraculous answer to long and tearful prayers. A tremendous change of heart came over a man who was so opposed to us as to actually attempt to destroy the Christianity out of our dear grandchildren. As their father, he had power to do this, and he told us that he hated God and didn’t want them to attend the Christian school they go to anymore. He wanted them exposed to the secular world including non-God evolution, sexual diversity and promiscuity. He literally said he preferred these things over their Christian teaching and swore that he was going to see it done. There was absolutely nothing we could do, and are hearts were crushed within us. But God in His Great Mercy and Wisdom intervened and this angry, bitter, raging man had a complete change of heart and has now asked us to go ahead and get the girls enrolled for next year and actually wished us a Happy Easter. You would have to have been around to know how truly unbelievable this was. But with God, all things are possible aren’t they?
While we were rejoicing over this, I happened to be staring at one of our bookshelves when my eyes lit on the dictionary of Jewish words and phrases. I have it here for research purposes unrelated to our faith and had done nothing more than glance at it before. But I felt led to pick it up, and happened to open it to the pesach, the Jewish Passover. Within the entry, it described the reasons behind it, which most of us are familiar with, but went on to talk about traditional observation. This included the foods presented on the seder plate, which are eaten in remembrance of certain Biblical things. Since we were already planning on having lamb for Easter (which we never do; have eaten lamb a very few times before, but never cooked it at home), I told my wife – let’s go ahead and have an Easter dinner as close to this as we can. We had to modify certain things and we don’t have all the ritual serving ware nor the book of prayers and readings, etc., nor would we ever care to. But we did have the roast lamb, which of course is a memorial to the Passover Lamb - to us Christ. Then we had horseradish to go with it, the bitter herb representing the sorrows and bitterness of bondage; the hard-boiled (“roasted”) egg, representing the entering in to the Promised Land; the spring greens – representing a New Day – a new era of springtime; and an apple-nut compote representing the bricks and mortar used in slavery. In addition, we had a dipping bowl of heavily salted water – representing the tears of those in bondage. We had communion, (we take communion at home), and prayed, read from the Bible, and ate this meal with thanksgiving. We know it wasn’t the Passover day, and we’ll probably never do this again, but it was so nice to remember all those things and it just seemed such a wonderful cap off of such a wonderful day. We then stayed up to watch Ben Hur – one of our favorite movies – especially when Jesus gives Charleton Heston that cup of cold water when he passed by Him in chains.
Well my friends, many times what I write on this board seems harsh and judgmental to the hearer. But I assure you, in reality it is not so. I am one of you, I am a sinner saved by Grace. But I have been drawn a little further out of Egypt than most writing here, and have been transformed by the Power of God – inwardly. What I no longer do with my body on the outside, is not by some tremendous force of will power – that never worked but a short time for me – but by the renewing of my mind and the regeneration of my heart. But I remember the years – about 35 of them – of hard, cruel bondage. I had to serve my terrible taskmaster who made me do again and again that which somewhere deep inside I hated, but also somewhere close within my heart – I loved. I liked the sins I gave into because they brought me pleasure – I hated the torment of guilt and shame – but I liked the pleasure. This was my taskmaster – my like of the pleasure – it would never truly leave me or let me go. I remember the things I did and the lengths to which I would go to do them – and, I remember the tears of bitterness – the continual praying of “God, why can’t I stop this!” “God, please take this away from me!” “God, please give me a different heart!” “God, please change my mind!” I tried this and that. More severity on myself. More love for myself. Nothing, nothing worked until I realized, by God showing me, that the problem lay in my heart. I did not love God.
I did not enjoy spending hours on end with God in prayer, meditation, scriptural reading, just walking with Him. I did enjoy spending hours entertaining myself with all kinds of worldly things. I did enjoy the hours of pornography, fantasy, vanity, and sexual pleasuring. I did enjoy unholy music and movies. But I only spent moments with God. He was last, and sin was first. This was so hurtful to truly face that I loved my ugly, mixed up self – by my actions – I treated myself constantly to pleasures of all kinds. My actions did not reflect much love for God. I walked in the flesh and not the Spirit and was constantly under a cloud of guilt, shame, and condemnation. I tried time and again to plaster faith over the top of this, and it never really removed those terrible feelings – because the truth was – I was still living like a sinner and not walking as dead to the old man. The old man was still very much alive and kicking and was not buried with Christ in baptism. Faith was nothing more than forcing myself to feel a certain way despite the truth of my actions. It was so hurtful to face the fact that I believed – but actually had no Faith. I was not faithful to God. Without Faith, I was not pleasing to God. I had belief, but no Faith.
The reason I said all this – is to let you know that when I write something against sin, pointing out scriptures uncovering our sins – it is not to hurt you but with a friendly hurt. No one could ever possibly say enough bad things about sin. Sin is the bondage, the pain, the slavery, the hurt. Guilt and shame are the sure by-products of sin, just as death, hell, and the grave. A mixed up mind and a wayward heart are by-products of sin. Damaged relations, broken homes, lost dignity, are the by-products of sin. The doorway out is repentance. But for repentance to really go deep and really have its true, life-altering affect, the Truth must be faced and understood. So Truth and Repentance are molded together in such a way that they deliver one to the freedom found in Mercy. Mercy is behind the doorway of Truth and Repentance. Mercy floods the Kingdom of God, but it stands behind the walls of Truth. Truth upholds a Mighty Fortress. That Fortress guards the Tree of Life and is just as the Flaming Sword that protected the Garden in the days of Adam and Eve’s sin. Sin is not allowed inside, it must be purged by the Truth – by Jesus the Truth – and His Blood does the work we can and could never do. Freedom lies within Truth.
But gentlemen, and ladies, if we do not hear the Truth, how can its wonderful work be done? It should not hurt or cut you at all to hear of the terribleness of sin. Even hours of hearing the Judgments and Justice of God should not bother you. God’s Wrath and Justice and Judgments are part of the Great Fortress of Truth that protects the Wondrous Kingdom of Mercy and Freedom. It should not hurt you at all to hear of them. They can become your very own Strong Tower and a delight unto your holy soul. Sin should be the thing that hurts, that repulses, that sends you running the other way, not the Fortress walls of God. You should be in a state where you have no desire to stray outside those gates, but forever you find real pleasure in Mercy and all good things of the Kingdom. Remember, the Kingdom is supposed to be within us. We should have no problem at all with the law – it should be as Jesus – within our heart.
You need the Truth, you need to absorb the blows of that painful Sword of the Word. Every cut is life-giving. Every act of sin is as death. Go to the doors of Truth and pray for that Light to be shown into the recesses of your heart and mind. If you are still walking in the flesh, you do not fully see the Truth. If you did, you would be free. The Son would set you free in deed. Your deeds would match. The more you see and receive the Truth, the Truth in the Word and the Truth of yourself – the better and surer your repentance becomes – until one day you’ll walk through that door and find it impossible to return to the other side. For Truth will have done its perfect work – you won’t wince a bit at the harshest of Truths about sin, because you will be free from it. And - - on to deeper and deeper cleansings in other areas – continually drawing closer to the Truth.
I remember the bitter cup, the struggles, and anguish. But I now know the joy of freedom and different struggles and battles to undertake. The doorway is Truth and the response is Repentance and the Grace to receive and act is Humility.
You must believe in your hearts that freedom is somehow possible or you wouldn’t be trying to find it. Do not be angry with me much – I am a servant of God and am bound to help those who were like me. The compassion of God cannot be otherwise.
In Christ,
Wilderness Voice
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guitarist63
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Posted: Mon Mar 24th, 2008 06:39 pm |
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Wilderness Voice, thank you very much for your testimony and sharing about your way of celebrating Easter with your wife. Much appreciate your open, honest way of communicating.
I don't want to shy away from God's Word when it is harsh, when it points the finger of judgement at me. I read those verses - plenty of them - Old and New Testaments, and pray about them also. I don't just look at the verses that make me feel good.
I want to be free of sin, not just sexual sin. I am prepared to make a new effort now and to lay everything before God - again - with the prayer of surrender. I don't want to let God down by persisting in sin.
You've made some very challenging posts here and I am sure that what you write is with sincerity and love of God.
God bless you
Last edited on Mon Mar 24th, 2008 06:41 pm by guitarist63
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holdsworth
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Posted: Mon Mar 24th, 2008 08:34 pm |
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Thank You Wilderness Voice for taking the time to write openly and sharing as you have...thank you.
I will be open myself: I am at a strange place in my walk right now and have a lot of unresolved issues regarding very negative/angry feelings towards Church, and some asects of life/christian people in general. I cannot remember the last time I felt at peace. I have downplayed my own sin and many times beleived the lies that justify it as inconsequential and very minor. I have been an island for a very long time and it is hard to change. I do struggle with the Bible at times, but I know the Holy spirit inside(when I have chosen to listen and not rebelled). I have had many unsettling Spiritual experiences in my life and sometimes I just want to 'not beleive' so I don't have to face the truth if that makes any sense?
Holdsworth
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Tue Mar 25th, 2008 03:32 am |
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God bless you two men. You make my heart ache with prayers.
When Jesus passes by, grab onto the Hem of His Garment.
I will write more soon. The enemy is not nice or merciful at all in the way he entraps and snares us. Taking advantage of both our personalities and weaknesses to drive us down and keep us away from our victorious place in Christ.
Run to Jesus.
Wilderness Voice
Updated: see post in "Masturbation"
Last edited on Tue Mar 25th, 2008 04:23 am by Wilderness Voice
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Mar 25th, 2008 10:05 pm |
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Wilderness Voice, your prayers are working. Thank you. God is helping and He has a long way to take me.
I also have prayed for you that you will bear much fruit for the glory of God and that you will stand firm against temptations.
I anticipate a very hard struggle ahead but with God's strength, He will complete the work He has begun in my life, whatever the cost.
I should have before me the promise of perfect love and unity with God through obedience to His will, the promise of joyous union with God for eternity, as well as fellowship here and now and until this life passes away. That is what should motivate me. Life is a great gift and opportunity for our characters to be shaped according to His perfect will. Yielding is joy. Joy is not a cosy feeling but it is a certain assurance of God's love.
Last edited on Tue Mar 25th, 2008 10:10 pm by guitarist63
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Wed Mar 26th, 2008 02:03 am |
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Guitarist:
Continue to hold the Hem of His Garment and don't let go. Press into God and call and call and call until He answers. Be obedient and never give up.
May Jesus be with you.
WV
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guitarist63
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Posted: Wed Mar 26th, 2008 08:43 pm |
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Thanks WV,
I am holding on. Last night was very tough because at 4.30 some generator noise started and carried on for a while which woke me and gave me trouble sleeping. A key symptom of my neurological condition is hypersensitivity to noise, especially persistent background noise. Ear plugs have no effect at all in keeping this noise out. There is no medical cure for this. I do need prayer about it because not being able to sleep through generator noise will cause me to suffer at night as well as suffering loss of performance (capacity to undertake tasks) the next day. When I get a job, it will be even more difficult because I shan't be able to make up lost sleep and will have poor performance at work and then very likely will lose the job. My work record since 1984 is largely a catalogue of disasters.
I am still free of the habit today and through the night. I prayed from 4.30 and gave thanks which was very necessary to do. I was feeling a physical building up of tension from yesterday which also didn't help with the sleeping last night but with God's help, I got through the night without succumbing. By the late morning - I had to sleep late to make up for sleep lost in the night - I found that the tension had definitely subsided.
Thanks for your continued prayers. I also will remember to pray for you.
Last edited on Wed Mar 26th, 2008 08:47 pm by guitarist63
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