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dennis1soil
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 12:36 am |
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The question I have been trying to answer is this :
What was more present during times when I didn't "do it"?
A recent thread started by Wilderness Voice brought back to my mind something about a desire on my part to be desired by a woman.
I remember in my mid teens being bothered by the fact that I would masturbate (often using such things as advertisements in the Sunday paper for women''s underwear) . After such times, I would often ask God to forgive me, but then later I would find myself doing the same thing over and over again.
However, I remember after I started dating seriously, this practice completely stopped - and I don't even remember trying really hard to make it stop - it seemed like the desire just disappeared.
(I have only dated one girl - and she has now been my wife for more than 33 years!)
We didn't do very much overtly sexual for somewhere close to the first year we were dating - and we were together (alone) almost every day for at least a couple of hours. I say this because I think it's important to note that there wasn't any "outlet" happening - at least not as far as any kind of ejaculation or even heavy sexual arousal during this time -- however, still, my desire to look at sexually oriented pictures basically disappeared.
One thing that was present during this time though -- I felt very desired as a guy, by my girl.
As I look back over the years, I'm thinking my desire to be aroused via the aid of sexually oriented pictures, has been inversely proportional to how much I felt assured that I am "manly" enough be sexually attractive to the woman I want to impress (i.e my girlfriend, and eventually my wife).
This freedom from the desire to look at sexually provocative photos and/or masturbate continued into our marriage especially during the first few years.
I need to go now - but I'll continue this as soon as I can.
-Dennis
Last edited on Tue Jul 31st, 2007 01:35 am by dennis1soil
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dennis1soil
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 01:53 am |
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OK,
Sorry, I should have waited till after I ate supper before hitting the 'Send' on that first post - I had to go back and make some important edits -- (among other things, I said we have been married 44 years --- oops, I must have not seen the keys clearly - I corrected it now to 33 years - yeah, I'm old alright -- but not that old!)
I think what I was starting to get to is this ....
Maybe there has often been some uncertainty in me about how much of a man I really am. When I sense my wife is sexually attracted to me, then I feel more manly. When I don't sense that so much - for some reason, (which I am still uncertain about) - I think when I become aroused by looking at "female", that may somehow be giving me some amount of assurance that I am "male". I guess possibly the physical arousal is saying somehow to something inside me, "see you are male - i.e. a man!".
When I am sensing I am attractive to "female" maybe I already FEEL I am male - so I don't seek out any further verification.
In my case, I don't naturally exhibit a lot of the trappings often associated with being a man's man (whatever that is). For instance, I have never been material sought after for professional sports (or even a guy likely to get picked in the top half of a team for a ad-hoc tag football game on the playground, etc...). Also, I'm not a mechanic, etc... -- actually, I'm pretty much a geek, one who works with his brain, rather than his brawn.
Maybe I have considered my supposed high sex drive as something that proves (in some strange way) that I really am real man material. As far as me wanting to be considered as sexually attractive, I guess maybe something from a movie might help me to communicate what may be inside me somewhere. Seems like if a guy is the one who "gets the girl" - then there is no question about whether he is a man.
Perhaps I am way off on this line of thought - but something deep inside makes me think I am onto something (no matter how embarrassing it is to my conscious mind).
The problem I have noticed in my marriage though - is not unlike some other things. It seems when I most desire to push my wife into some position (for instance - trying really hard to get her to be attracted to me), that can actually backfire. No one wants to be pushed into feeling a certain way -- and also someone who is seen as "clingy", is not the kind of person likely to be respected and/or desired.
Just thinking....
-Dennis
Last edited on Tue Jul 31st, 2007 02:10 am by dennis1soil
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dennis1soil
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 02:08 am |
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Sorry, about the order of the thoughts I am putting into these posts. They are kind of rapid-fire and I have been hitting the 'Send' key prematurely and then going back and editing what I said earlier.
After the "honeymoon" stage of marriage - getting down to the business of hard work seemed to result in each of us getting the impression our spouse was not as attracted to us as during our courtship. I think for me - because of my warped ways of feeling about my manhood - that was about the time when I started experiencing more temptation to go back to what had helped me feel more manly in my earlier years.
I didn't really understand what was going on and that is a real shame.
-Dennis
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Jul 31st, 2007 01:50 pm |
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I think this sort of analysis of what we are really gaining from our addiction, or of what we are really running from when we flea to it, can be helpful as we try to identify our wrong ways of thinking and as we work to learn healthy ways to meet our real needs.
For me, affirmation in the face of a pervasive sense of physical inadequacy is an important part of the picture, though I think it has worked somewhat differently for me than what you describe.
To be very brief, I've always felt inadequate and unmanly physically. My response has been to deny the importance or reality of the physical and emotional, and to try to become purely rational, distant and alone, and locked in a pure life of the mind. The physical and sexual and emotional side of my being has been a source of shame for me. I began relying on porn as a way to meet sexual needs secretly, safely, without the shame of admitting them to others, or really, to myself. What was private and hidden did not exist. Of course, this was a completely failed strategy, and I became consumed in secret with just the behavior from which I was trying to protect myself.
That's a very quick capsule summary of my own dysfunctional thinking. It may not be exactly yours, but it does have roots in fears about my own unmanliness and in hiding from that pain. Perhaps those parts, at least, resonate with your own experience.
Of course, the larger and central task now is not to get stuck in past misunderstandings, but to learn and practice new ways of living and thinking for the present and future. Don't forget that part of the package, too.
Tim M.
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