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misha
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Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2007 03:14 am |
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I'm living a double life. On the outside, I appear as "straight" as can be. But on the inside, I have attraction to guys. I'm not sure if I'm gay though. I don't have a girlfriend or a partner. I don't know if I should admit I'm gay because I think I may just be tricking myself into thinking I'm gay.
What should I do? Should I tell someone? I grew up in a very conservative background (family, small Christian school, and church) and I'm really afraid to tell anyone because I'm afraid of what they might think of me, especially since many have known me since I was young and they often praise me for how "Christ-like" I am and how wonderful of a young man I am.---if they only knew.
My two best friends (a guy and a girl) recently broke up and the girl and I have been communicating back and forth (we have known each other for about 4 years) and I'd like to get to know her better (they broke up on good terms so I'm not worried about offending my other best friend), but I'm afraid that I may not be able to get to know her because of this secret. I want to be married to one woman for life, but I don't feel like I'm even capable of doing so because of this secret.
What should I do? Should I "come out" to someone? Who? I don't have anyone that I really trust that well.
Thank you.
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gaylon
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Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2007 03:22 am |
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Maybe these articles I will help you...
http://www.newlife.com/Articles/article.asp?libid=496
http://www.lds.org/ldsnewsroom/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=27f71f1dd189f010VgnVCM100000176f620aRCRD&vgnextchannel=726511154963d010VgnVCM1000004e94610aRCRD&vgnextfmt=tab1
Last edited on Wed Apr 18th, 2007 03:27 am by gaylon
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geeky_student
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Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2007 06:40 am |
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Hi Misha, I have a question: why do you think that you might be "gay"?
don't "feel", think, thats what the enemy doesnt want us to do.
Sorry, that might have sounded a bit direct and insensitive, I didn't mean it that way. 
God bless!
count your blessings!
God is with us! Let us LISTEN to Him and OBEY Him!
I will continue praying for you guys
Keep clean!
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2007 09:56 am |
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Hi misha,
There is no such thing as BEING gay. There are many today who choose to live a life of sin that they call "being" gay, but it is all about choices. You may not be able to control what crosses your mind, though with God's help I believe that can change too, but acting on temptation is another thing altogether.
http://www.family.org
sponsors Love Won Out conferences, and may have resources on their site about struggling with homosexual temptation. I'm sure it is different in some ways, but temptation is temptation, and God provides a way of escape.
If you have not already found it, I would suggest this article from the BG homepage.
http://www.blazinggrace.org/homosexualityrecovery.htm
I do not think that pursuing a girlfriend at this time would be wise, until you get some victory in this area. I pray that you may find strength in prayer and reading God's Word, and that you will find someone in your real life in whom you can confide this struggle.
TruthSeeker
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alpha
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Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2007 02:47 pm |
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Misha, I have experienced same-sex attraction since I was in my early teens. I could write a book to tell you the why's and wherefore's of it all. Here's a few quick points:
1. You are not alone in your struggle. Many men struggle with this even if like you only their mind. They don't all look like the stereotype.
2. Because you think it doesn't mean you have to act it out.
3. There are reasons you feel the way you do. Most likely linked to your relationships with your parents and your feeling of acceptance with your childhood friends. Maybe, but not necessarily. (there wasn't any for me) there was sexual abuse in your past. You do not need to be ashamed of the wounds for which you had no control, but it is important to recognize them.
4. God knows about your struggle and loves you anyways. You do not need to fix yourself to convince God to love you. He loves you with your struggles and weakeness not for who you wish you could be.
5. God will heal you from the inside out. He will not just "make the thoughts go away" before he has made you whole and filled the empty places inside you. The healing won't look like you expect it to.
6. You CANNOT tackle this alone. You are in the place you are because you've kept this in your head and are scared to talk about it. Everyday you hide yourself in shame you further isolate yourself from the very relationships that will bring you some healing and relief. It is important that you find a group of people that share this struggle, because they will understand. It is equally important the you find a group of people (particularly men) who don't have this struggle but that can demostrate love and acceptance to you in full knowledge of it. Deep down this is about being known and being accepted. With God's help that is possible.
Here are some helpful sites:
http://www.livehope.org
http://www.peoplecanchange.com
God bless you.
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Steve
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Posted: Wed Apr 18th, 2007 03:23 pm |
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Misha, my encouragement is to you is to find a professional counselor and/or ministry that helps men struggling like you are with same-sex attractions. They can help you work through the very tough issues you mentioned in your post.
I have a good Christian friend who does telephone-based counseling and specializes in same-sex attraction matters. Shoot me an e-mail if you want that information.
All the best,
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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misha
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Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 06:11 am |
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Thank you for your replies.
Here is why I feel that I am gay (and this perhaps includes why I think I am gay as well).
1. I have little attraction to the female gender (when friends say: "Isn't she hot,?" I typically reply with 'I guess so.' In other words, I am not attracted to females in a typical heterosexual and healthy way.
2. I am attracted to some guys. When guys are playing sports, I tend to watch them and focus on what they look like rather than the sport itself. When guys have their shirts off I have a tendency to watch them and I often compare myself (I am a pretty scrawny kid who isn't very sports-orientated). I have never felt like I have truly become a man, especially based on physical appearances (which I know is probably a good thing I'm not that concerned about physical appearances). I also feel that I am not very attractive which is part of the reason why I think some girls aren't interested in pursuing me.
3. I have never had a girlfriend though I desparetly want one.
4. I have had three instances in which I have had a pretty bad experience with the female gender which leads me to believe that part of the reason I am not as attracted to females is because I am worried that the bad experiences might happen again.
5. Whenever I touch (in an appropriate way, I am not invovled in homosexual behavior) another guy, I feel good.
6. I have good relationships with my guy friends (which I know is okay), but at the same time, I don't have any really deep relationships with females. All my deep relationships are with guys (which is okay too).
Those are some things that I can think of right off the top of my head. I could probably think of others, but that is all for now.
THank you all for your replies and encouragement. I am somewhat concerned about going to a counsellor because I have done so and I have mentioned my identity crisis once but they never really ask me about it.
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geeky_student
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Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 06:46 am |
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We often get the stereotype (I just got this yesterday) that if a guy does not look at pictures of pervertedness he is gay. By not saying that "she's hot" you are respecting the woman. I know what you mean, or maybe i do, did you mean that you just don't feel attracted to females...
another thing pornography does to our minds, i dont know if you have viewed pornography, it would be very helpful if you can share, if you dont mind.
"I have never had a girlfriend though I desparetly want one."
see? you are not gay, in your heart, you really want to have a deep and special relationship with a woman. Do not let the superficial "feelings" get you thinking that you are gay. I've mentioned this a few times on other threads, here it is again, dont "feel" and not think, thats what the enemy wants you to do, superficialness is dangerous because instead of relying on God who is the Truth, you rely on "signs", like Gideon, remember?
A story i read on frc.org, or family.org
So this boy grew up, he made easy friends with women, as with guys he did not get much attention, he loved music, arts, didnt like sports, so in middle school he first was exposed to the word "fag" and he wondered, what if, what if i am gay...
Now, you mentioned that you didnt get much female attention but have a lot of guy friends, I am just curious that if you ever had experience like this, and you also said that you had bad experiences with women, I guess you would mind sharing, but I also think it might help if you would tell us, if you dont mind of course.
You said that you "feel good" when you touch guys, again, don't let superficial thoughts overwhelm you, the enemy wants to confuse you and then get you off guard.
Put on the full armor of God, the book of Ephesians talks about this alot. Every piece of the armor is important to your survival in this war. Take up the Word of God, the double-edged sword.
I hope that helped.
God bless!
God is with us, rely on His everlasting arms!
I will continue praying for you guys
Keep clean!
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 01:32 pm |
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Hi Misha,
At risk of being repetitive, noone IS gay. God made us male and female because that is how He wants us to interact for marriage. Interacting sexually with anyone other than your wife, male or female, is outside God's plan. It is sin. The question is not how you feel, but are you going to obey God's Word, or Satan's temptation. You may struggle with how you feel, but you can definitely choose how you behave. As Steve said, you must make sure that you see a christian counsellor, and it would be best if they have experience working with people with SSA.
I will attempt to address each of your points. 1. You have not mentioned how old you are, but if you are still in your teens, it is possible that your body is still changing and that more customary chemical responses to girls will kick in. Even if you are older, and I could not explain why you do not sense chemistry with girls, perhaps it is suppressed by some of the other issues with which you are dealing. 2. One of those issues seems to be a feeling of physical inadequacy. If you have had a recent medical checkup, and the doctor says that you are healthy, that is all that you need to know about your body. It is a tragic mistake to compare yourself with others. We are all different. Wouldn't it be dull if we were all the same? Likewise, it is God's love for you, not who does or does not find you "attractive," from which you must draw your self-esteem. 3. Having not yet had a girlfriend indicates absolutely nothing. It is essential to pray and wait on God's timing, because if you manufacture a relationship outside of God's plan, the chances of it working are slim to none. Also, girls have a sixth sense about guys who are insecure and/or desperate, and steer clear. I reiterate that your self-esteem must come from God's love, not human affirmation. 4. I think that you have probably identified a key issue here, but God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind. (Sorry, don't have my Bible handy to give the reference.) You do not want to live life in perpetual fear. Faith and fear are opposites. God never promises us that difficult things will not happen in the life of a believer, but that He is with us always to guide and comfort us through them. I know few guys that have married their first girlfriend, which gives you high odds that you will experience a breakup. While difficult, these are not the end of the world, because God still loves you, and has a plan for your life. 5-6. It is extremely important to have male friends. If you do some reading around these forums, you will see that one of the most common factors among those who have been enslaved to sexual sin is isolation, not having male friends with whom they can be accountable and share their struggles. Look at David and Jonathan, Paul and Silas, or Jesus and His disciples. Please do not mistake friendship for attraction. And yes, despite the macho mind-set, it is healthy for male friends to touch, a pat on the back, a hug, a squeezed hand. I would also urge you to consider, as others have mentioned, how your relationship with your parents may be affecting you. Have either of them been absent or distant, or at the other extreme, abusive?
Back to the counselling thought. You must express to the counsellor that this is a primary reason for which you seek help, not just mention it in passing. Counsellors may be sensitive, but they do not read minds. Don't wait for them to ask.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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stoic79
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Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 07:50 pm |
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Hello,
Misha, I'll say this once and quickly. Hopefully you'll take something from it.
The enemy wants us, as men, to feel small, worthless and inadequate. When we lack in God's strength, we are of no threat to him. Satan will use whatever is necessary to take us out of the fight.
You are a man, and that mantle has been bestowed to you by God. You are here to be a man as God ordained and regardless of physical appearances, you were meant to be God's soldier. Through him you will do great things.
Your battle brother,
Stoic
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gaylon
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Posted: Thu Apr 19th, 2007 11:17 pm |
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Maybe you could read over the articles referenced in this thread again, pretty carefully.
"Gay" is not (or should not be construed as) a definition of who a person *is*. It describes a sexual act.
That you feel some attraction to men could have to do with "father issues", and who knows what else, but doesn't mean you are in some way perverted.
As others have said, God created you as a man, and He can help you understand what He has in mind for you in life. "Gay" is not a creation of God; it is a name for an excuse our society gives for a sinful sexual act... And you haven't been involved in that.
You sound like a great young man -- don't let the wierdness of the world convince you that you are something that you're not...
Best --- Gaylon V.
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JD
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Posted: Mon Apr 30th, 2007 01:08 pm |
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Misha,
this is my first post. I just want to tell you, that I have related to how you feel.
In fact your lists of reasons of why you think you might be gay are almost the same as mine. Except, I have thought about them more.
I'm not initially attracted to women, but once I get to know them, I find that I get very attratced to them. You have to remember: male on female lust is bad too, and people who struggle with lust on the opposite sex also have issues.
While I don't go and watch sporting events, I live right by the beach, so if I see two surfer guys taking off their wet suits outside the trucks, I have caught myself staring before, I have found though that it has more to do with comparing myself than it is with real sexual desire, and while I avoid at all costs using the locker room at the gym (I still go to the gym though, not going to let this rule my life.) when I found "excuses" to use the gym, I would find my self comparing myself to the guys. Plus, I live in a Christian University dorm (notorious for nudity.)
To be honest with you, although lately I have been struggling more, I have gotten to a period in my life where I am overcoming.
You know what Misha, I don't know who you are, but I am going to keep you in my prayers, in fact, this is awkward, but...
God, by the power of your holy spirit, I pray for Misha, I pray that you would set his mind upon the right things. I pray that you would help him realize that you have planned a phenomenonal course for his life. I pray that you would guide him where he needs to go as he walks through this journey, and any spirit of confusion, of lust and unrighteousness, I command it to go in Jesus name. Lord I also pray the same thing for myself and for anyone else here, God, it's hard to navigate our relationships with you when dealing with this. I thank you for your grace and mercy Lord, and I thankyou that though hope is dim, we can endure through our suffering in Jesus name, amen.
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