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Alvader7
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Posted: Tue May 3rd, 2005 05:58 pm |
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Thanks, Mike, for getting this up and running. I live in Co. Spngs. and one of these Monday nights I'm going to get to your meeting...
Anyway, I am looking for other men struggling with same-sex attraction who can be supportive and can interact with one another on this board. I am married and have 3 children and have struggled my entire life. Just within the last two years have my wife and I begun to deal with this. We are both in counselling, individually, and God is at work, but it is a very painful place to be. We are considering separation while we sort things out, and I am considering an in-patient program for six weeks. My behavior is not an issue but there is so much baggage and my wounds run deep from way back.
At any rate, would love to dialogue with guys in this position or others who have questions or can provide support. Am especially interested in finding friends who are local to Co. Spngs. -- new here and just haven't established a network of support.
Thanks!
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Peter D
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Posted: Tue May 3rd, 2005 07:16 pm |
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Dear Mike & Brothers,
I received an invitation to this site today and thought I would give it a try.
I have been a gay celibate clergyman for almost 20 years and have had two affairs during that time about four years ago. I've been working with people like friends and psychologists on this problem for years and have confessed my sin several times but find myself not getting any better.
As I get older, I'll be 50 in June, I'm really starting to lose heart since I'm still very much addicted to porn and masturbation. I'm becoming more angry and depressed with my relationship with God and feel like giving up. Jesus had always been there for me when I was younger during difficult times, but now I am starting to fall into serious doubt because of the constant emptiness I feel. I'm tired of praying and playing games with God. I have to admit that when I speak with people who have left their traditional faith to live their natural lifestyle, I wonder if I am wrong since what I am going through is so difficult.
I'm also very disappointed in support from the church. I get a lot of sympathy from those few who will listen but am on my own for finding answers.
Thank you for listening and may God bless you ,
Peter
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mike
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Posted: Tue May 3rd, 2005 08:10 pm |
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Hi Peter and Alvader -
Welcome, both of you. I've been contacted by an increasing number of men with SSA issues this year; I think there are many more who struggle with this than the church would imagine. Thank you both for being honest with where you are.
There is abundant hope. God has been changing lives since the beginning of time and He is willing to change yours.
Every guy who I've seen who struggles with sex addiction, whether hetero or gay, has 3 things in common - they are isolated, they have father wound issues, and they haven't accepted God's grace.
The emptiness you described, Peter, is God hunger that you yearn to fill with His love but have used lust to fill in the past. Every time I acted out sexually I felt more empty, miserable, depressed and angry than before. Lust will never fill an empty heart.
The healing process begins when we come out of isolation on a consistent basis. If you don't have someone you can meet with at least once a week then perhaps this board can serve as a temporary lifeline. Let us hear how you're doing often with lust issues. Isolation = death when it comes to the battle. The best scenario is that the Lord provides one man, or a group of men who you could meet and pray with every week. I know well of your frustration with the church. The church has enough problems just talking openly about pornography, let alone helping those who struggle with homosexuality. However, the church has the answer, which is Jesus. The unfortunate reality is that most churches aren't equipped to deal with sexual sin.
Accountability is just the beginning. The wounds you talked about, Alvader, have to be resolved to find true freedom; God has to heal the broken heart. Often this means His Holy Spirit has to reveal the wounds that took place years ago. Journaling, prayer, and sharing what God is showing you with others is a part of this process.
What I see is that every man and woman who struggles with sex addiction has bought into 2 lies: God can't love me, and I can't be loved as I am. Basically, they believe they are a piece of junk, so they look for love in lust. Often their earthly father propogated this lie through abandonment, neglect and/or abuse.
Once these barriers to grace and healed and removed, the heart can then receive what it's been starved for - God's incredible love, grace and peace.
Last edited on Tue May 3rd, 2005 08:11 pm by mike
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mike
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Posted: Thu May 5th, 2005 11:38 am |
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Hey guys - how are you doing today, especially with any lust issues ?
Let us hear from you. Stay out of isolation, and keep close to God.
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GraceandTruth
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Posted: Thu May 5th, 2005 01:04 pm |
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Hi Mike,
Just last Saturday night, I had the hardest time with the Lust of wanting something, I was very Strong in resisting though, I had a friend come by to borrow my Computer and looking for Jobs, anyway, he rides a bike, and it was getting a little dark, and he doesn't like riding his bike home in the dark, so he had asked me if he could spend the night, and sleep on the couch, he said it was up to me, no biggie either way, at that particular moment of his asking, I had felt a weird surge of Sexual Attractiveness to wanting Him, and then the Lord was telling me no, so I had refused him to stay overnight, and then the enemy attacked me, by regretting the fun I would be having if I did have my friend stay overnight, so then I was so frustrated with the whole thing that I went to Denny's Restaurant at 11:30 P.M. in my Electric Wheelchair, in the Dark and had realized I had traded one Addiction for another as in having an Oreo Cookie Milkshake, so it's been kinda weird but I got through it, but by being Disabled, I'm finding myself Vulnerable at times, like if someone came to my door and had initiated me to do a Sexual Thing with him, I'm not sure if I would have the strength to resist it, but I know I'd try not to give in.
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mike
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Posted: Thu May 5th, 2005 02:11 pm |
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Hi Graceandtruth -
Welcome to the boards, and thanks for sharing. I see a lot of loneliness in the comments in this topic so far. Do you have someone you are able to share your struggles with and pray for you where you live ?
All this year I've had guys with homosexual issues contact me here in Colorado Springs saying they want to come to the group we run here but are afraid to because of the fear of rejection, or that they will scare off the other men with their story. I wonder sometimes how much the church plays into this.
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Robert
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Posted: Thu May 5th, 2005 10:55 pm |
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The church plays into it a lot. I was at a men's advance this past weekend through my church and had the opportunity to sit down over pizza on the way home with 3 of the bigwigs of the church. I was amazed at the "homophobic" comments that were coming out of their mouths. The conversation was sparked by the fact that we were sharing the YMCA of the Rockies with a "Gay" chorale group.
Now mind you, this is a spirit filled, hopp'in mega church, that you would expect to be more compassionate towards this issue. They don't know my background. I shared with them that men who act out in this area are operating many times out of a father wound. It definitely changed the tone of the conversation.
A bit of background, I lived a homosexual life for many years until God set me free from it 14 years ago. Mine started with my brother molesting me when I was around 8 years old. But before that, it really started with issues surrounding my relationship with my dad, or shall I say, lack of it.
I didn't come out of it knowing all about father wounds, etc. I left the lifestyle when I came to the end of myself realized that I couldn't go to heaven the way I was living. My desire for an eternity in heaven outweighed my desire to act out homosexually. For a long time, it was a teeth gritting battle with my flesh, but over the years, God has gently, but surely, shown me the root causes of it. It seems that the more I realized about the root of my struggle, the more the desires subsided.
Hope some of this helps.
Rob
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Richard Freeman
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Posted: Mon May 9th, 2005 04:57 pm |
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Why not have you friend stay over? Why not go away with friends (even friends you think you might be attracted to)? The biggest difficulty that Christian men that are attracted to other men usually have is loneliness and lack of intimacy. Tonight is the first night in awhile that I’ve been completely alone and the first night in awhile I’ve been sexually tempted.
When I was a student I lived with lots of other guys, showered after sports with them, saw them naked when on holiday. NEVER once was I tempted in any way. The killer very often is not temptation to bed someone but the desperate need to be close to someone.
My advice, make friends that you can be real with and who can be real with you. Friends you can say “don’t go yet, I feel so lonely when I’m alone.”
This is not just for guys attracted to guys but for all kinds of singles – why not get a group together and get a house together?
I’m from the UK bye the way!
Richard.
Last edited on Mon May 9th, 2005 05:00 pm by Richard Freeman
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Richard Freeman
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Posted: Mon May 9th, 2005 05:09 pm |
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| Bye the way............I'm 40, single, and have fallen so many times sexually I have lost count. At the moment i am on my feet and doing okay - so the advise above is borne out of experience not from a book!
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Robert
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Posted: Mon May 9th, 2005 06:12 pm |
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You're right in saying that men with SSA lack Godly intimacy in their lives with other men. I found in my own life that my sexual feelings hindered me from developing meaningful, Godly, relationships with other males because the sexual factor was always there tormenting me. When I did try to develop a "normal" relationship, many times it turned sexual or I was so tormented by sexual thoughts that it just didn't work. It's really a vicious cycle. The sexual factor is there because an unmet need for emotional intimacy was sexualized. We then turn to sexual encounters to meet the emotional need...and so the cycle continues. Granted, we need same-sex, Godly relationships, but we must be wise in our choosings.
Grace and Truth...I commend you for resisting and refusing to let the guy spend the night. If you know something is going to be a trigger for you and cause you to act out sexually or want to act out, you're wise to refrain from the situation. I've spent many years "fleeing youthful lusts" as it says to do in II Tim 2:22. Early on I adopted a "rule" to govern my behavior...if it smelled like it, felt like it, or looked like it, I went the other direction. As God has healed many of the deep wounds from my early life, many of the attractions have ceased. It seems that when you are able to get down underneath it all and recognize what is driving the lust, it loses it's power over you.
I guess you could say...Flee until you're free!
In Christ,
Rob
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GMAN
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Posted: Sat May 14th, 2005 12:32 pm |
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Hey Everyone,
I'm sitting here at work by myself on a Saturday morning. Normally I would be tempted to surf porn. Instead I'm here surfing the forum. Praise God! I try to attend Mike's group every Monday night and I thought it might be nice for you guys who are struggling with SSA to hear from a person that attends that does not struggle with SSA.
First let me say "thanks" to Mike. His group is incredible. I've been to two others here in Colorado Springs and by far I have found Mike's group the most effective. I have not masturbated or surfed porn in about two months now. I have struggled with this issue for years. After attending Mike's group I have been able to really grow in my relationship with my wife and the Lord.
As I said before I do not struggle with SSA. However, I can sympathize with those of you who are concerned about rejection from other members of the group. I grew up as a competitive figure skater. Everyone assumed I was gay even though I have no attraction to men. I have had men question me directly on this. I understand the persecution that sometimes happens.
You won't get it from me. Knowing the pain this is causing you guys I can offer a unique relationship. Someone who can understand a little of what you are going through and yet I simply am not tempted by SSA. I encourage you to come to the group and learn to walk in God's grace as Mike talked about. It's a lot harder than it sounds.
We do have a transparent accountability aspect to the group. As Mike talks about, isolation=death. The way to avoid that is transparency. There is actually tremendous power in this and it gets easier over time. There is no condemnation in this group. Are we challenged sometimes? Yes, but in a very gentle way. It feels more like encouragement.
I still struggle with lust. I let my thoughts get away from me. However, not acting out is a huge step for me. The group is a huge part of that.
IN HOC SIGNO VINCES
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mrman
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Posted: Wed Jul 20th, 2005 06:05 pm |
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| Hey Richard, just needed to say thankyou God for the ministry you gave to Richard that was able to shed light on my own strongholds. Thankyou so much Richard, thankyou. God bless
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hereiam
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Posted: Sun Nov 6th, 2005 02:02 am |
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| Mike, what is this isolation that you are talking about? Isolation from God? Other christians? I'm 25 years old and have been dealing with being different all of my life. It wasn't until, I was a teenage that i associated it with being gay. I tried various times to break free from that and prayed that God would take it away. It hasn't worked yet. I'm not quite sure if it's healthy to have these thought, but i recently have stopped asking God to take it away things from me, and started asking him to guide me in the right direction and do what is best for me, i haven't stopped having homosexual thoughts but i have stopped having guilty suicidal thoughts. Also, I've stopped blaming Satan for everything. If i have sexual thoughts or look at porn, i don't place blame on the Enemy, i put it on me and my being human. It has relieved a bit of the internal struggle and suicidal thoughts...I still want to know about this isolation though...what is it that you are saying that we are isolating ourselves from?
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Eric
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Posted: Fri May 12th, 2006 01:49 am |
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Hey Guys:
I am also a married man with 2 children. I have been struggling with SSA issues since High School. I am now 40 years old. My wife found out about these issues about 8 years ago and after a seperation we are together and still moving forward. I still go through times of struggles like now. I have messed up so many times in my life it is hard for me to believe. Please pray that I will be able to meet others that can help encourage me in North Carolina.
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Robert
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Posted: Fri May 12th, 2006 02:11 pm |
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| You are not alone my friend, although I know it feels very lonely at times when you feel you can't share your struggle. The good news is, you can be completely free from it. It's not a cross you were called to bear, as some may have accepted. There IS freedom. You can walk without the torment of SSA. What's your relationship like with God?
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mickster
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Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 01:11 am |
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Hereiam,
To address your question regarding isolation, my therapists says that as a "reactor based male" (psychological term for sensitve, caring men) I need to have safe, healthy relationships with other guys who like me and who respect me. But it's difficult to have those kind of relationships. So we find ourselves isolated. We just have superficial aquaintances that talk about sports, weather and work. Because we feel isolated and disconnected with men, we begin fantasizing or even acting out sexually. Isolation makes us desperate for connection and we will do just about anything, even perverse things to get attention from other guys. It was a big revelation to me and I am convinced that that is my issue. I've never acted out, but the older I get and the longer I live without these healthy intimate friendships with men, the more tempted and vulnerable I become. So, i'm busy cultivating healthy relationships now.
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alpha
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Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 01:29 am |
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mickster wrote: So, i'm busy cultivating healthy relationships now.
Mickster, I agree with every word you said. I've recognized the need for healthy relationships. But after struggling with SSA for so long, I realize I just don't know how to create relationships like that. How have you cultivated those relationships?
Hereiam, I read you post because mickster referenced it. I don't think you're far off. We do plenty of damage to ourselves with self-condemnation and self-hatred. Christ died for us because we are sinful beings or as you say it "human".
Last edited on Tue Jan 30th, 2007 01:30 am by alpha
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AMG62
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 04:48 pm |
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Alvader7,
I am also in a similar situation dealing with SSA and pornography issues. To describe this process as painful is an enormous understatement. How I see this situation is a threefold hurt process. First I have hurt my Holy God as I have ventured into this lifestyle and each time I think or act upon it, I hurt Him more. Secondly I have hurt my wife tremendously. The initial finding out was painful to her but then to find that it was going on again sent her to depths that I sometimes cannot even bear. Finally I have hurt myself, my esteem and my drive for life.
Do you ever think, “Why God would you allow this to happen to me?” I’m still struggling with that one and in no way am I blaming God for my failures. A realization however; this world is evil. Evil is going to rear its ugly head and if I am weak, then it will make a visit to me. So I must find a way to be stronger. I realize that some of what I am dealing with is because of issues of my past and I am researching those things to make amends. But the fact is that I must be stronger than my temptations or I will not survive.
Our pastor recently preached from James 4 but he did not go beyond verse 6. So as he preached, I read on and it hit me like a wall of brinks. I must in all things and in every way humble myself before the Lord. That means my life, strength, family, will, all aspects of who I am. Then when I do this, God will lift me up to a place of honor. That passage was so encouraging to me and it continues to be my theme as I wrestle. I can just picture God picking me up and placing me on His mantle of honor. WOW! His is so good.
So each day I must do this. Humble myself to Him. Then I must fight. I don’t think this way all the time because frankly most days I stay depressed or in some funk. But I do know that evil is here and it’s here to stay, so I must fight Satan with all of God’s power and might. Then do it again the next day.
I’m so glad that I found this group. I have needed to talk to men who deal with the same struggles that I do. Thanks to those who put this together. Please know that as you pray for me, I will be praying for you.
AMG62
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 05:21 pm |
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Hi AMG62,
My words of wisdom are few in this subject, but have you received any counselling or located any recovery groups?
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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setfree2
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Posted: Wed Jun 27th, 2007 03:04 am |
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I skimmed through the postings and just want to say that there is hope for us who have struggled with homosexuality. I'm now 57 and am free of this sin that held me captive for over 40 years.
I have also confessed this sin to my wife after 29 years of marriage. She had no idea of my past, nor that I spent hours surfing porn or gratifying myself when ever I could.
God lead me to a web site that changed my life. Setting Captives Free http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com it is a free Bible course study. You are given a mentor who has also been through the same type of trials. I am praising God for almost 3 years now of freedom. It is amazing.
There is hope and it lies in bringing Glory to God with your life.
____________________
IN HIS GRIP
kb
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