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ashamedteenager
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Posted: Tue Dec 29th, 2009 04:27 am |
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Hi, this is my very first post on blazinggrace forums. I have been addicted to pornography for years now and have just pushed it to the back of my head because I did not want to deal with it and what role is has played in my life. Because of past experiences, I have been lead to gay porn and have been addicted for 3+ years. I am a sophomore in college and this semester has been the worst semester yet. There were so many things that went wrong this semester that I have almost become depressed and hating my life. I am transferring college next semester which I know is what God wants me to do. This semester I had an awesome friend who helped me through the days and taught me that God is there and these rough times in life are from God to help you learn and grow in Him. Another friend taught me that I need to focus more on God in everything I do. I read my Bible every night, but still do not feel very close to God. I am extremely lonely (never have had a girlfriend) and just need someone that needs and depends on me and who I can call mine. I have never had that feeling and this semester had been horrible in struggling why God would not allow me to have a girlfriend (there was a girl I liked, but was way out of my league) and I was confused as to why God would basically dangle her in front of me and say "Look at what you can't have." There is a huge void in my life, and this semester my friend showed me that a girl would not feel the void, but the void was God and I needed to focus on Him and get right with Him. There are so many things in my life that I hate and wish I could redo, and I feel like I have no one to talk to.
I know this message is scatter-brained, there are so many things going through my head that I am struggling with, but one thing I do know is that the pornography needs to stop and I need to get right with God. I have no one whom I can go to about this because I fear what they will think about me and that is what led me to this forum. Thanks for your help and time, and God bless.
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Devastated Wife
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Posted: Tue Dec 29th, 2009 07:25 am |
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Dear Ashamed Teenager,
It sounds as if you have some very wise friends. Another fallible mortal, a girl or a woman, can never fill the God-sized hole in your heart. It is meant exclusively for God.
It sounds as if you may have started your young adult life off on the wrong foot, but it definitely sounds as if you are veering onto the right course. Please know that you are not alone and that there is NOTHING that you have done that will or could permanently separate you from God. There are so many things in my life that I wish I could redo, but I can't. With God's help, the best we can do is to look honestly at those things, make amends to people where doing so will not cause further pain or disruption in their lives, and learn from our mistakes. That's the best we can ever do. Please don't beat yourself up over the things you wish you could redo. That is the Devil working on you, not God.
When you say: "why God would basically dangle her in front of me and say "Look at what you can't have."" I am concerned. God would never do that. The Devil would do that in a heartbeat to convince you that the homosexual lifestyle is the only avenue open to you. God would never tell you "Look what you can't have." Get right with Him. Make Him the center of your life. Ask him to lead you to the wife He has chosen for you. Please don't ever think someone is "out of your league."
I will be praying for you.
My best, devastated Wife
____________________
My best, Devastated Wife
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Dec 29th, 2009 07:43 pm |
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Yeah--what she said.
Praying also...
TruthSeeker
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ashamedteenager
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Posted: Wed Dec 30th, 2009 04:30 am |
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Thank you for your response, Devastated Wife. I have now realized that God is the one (and only one) who can fill the hole in my heart. I know I need to get right with Him and get my life on the right path, but the problem is that I don't know how. I am not a very "deep" person when it comes to topics like the Bible and Jesus. When people tell me to "listen" for Him and to get right with Him, I just don't know how to. Like I said, I read my Bible everyday, but other than that I don't know what to do to give my life to Him and to full commit who I am to Him. I guess what I am seeking is to learn how to get closer to Him and to listen to Him and not just depend on Him in times of need.
There are just so many things that I regret in my life, and honestly, I don't even like who I am. On the outside, I may look happy and content with my life, but on the inside, I am depressed and just need someone (God) to fill the hole in my heart and just take me in as His. I never thought as the devil being the one who would do those things. I know God put her in my life for a reason, but I never thought of the devil being the one to tempt me into believing God is "dangling" her in front of me. Honestly, I am glad I am out of that entire situation and am starting a whole new life next semester.
Here is my problem with pornography. It's mainly that I get the lust stuck in my head and cannot get it out until the deed is done. I can go a month (or even longer) without looking at pornography. But it's when I get the thoughts in my head, and honestly when I'm aroused, that it's almost impossible for me to not stop thinking about it. And when I do it once, it happens a couple times in the next couple of weeks. Once I realize what I'm doing and that it needs to stop, I won't look at porn for a month or two, and the cycle restarts. I need and want to be done with it once and for all.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply to this message. This means a lot and any information given, I can benefit from and hopefully get right with God and get on the right track. I am sick of hating my life and just want to enjoy who I am and not be ashamed.
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222
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Posted: Wed Jan 13th, 2010 01:48 am |
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I know that trying to understand God is tricky because his ways are not ours. There is a sort of language problem between us and God. We have been taught how to communicate in minimal ways since the time we were born. Unfortunately, one of the ways left out of our upbringing was learning how to hear God. This is a new way to communicate. It is unlike any form of communication you have ever experienced. Everything God teaches us is new and special and unlike anything we have seen before. That is what makes this so exciting and personal. It being so special and new is what bonds us to the ultimate dad, God. I have taught many people how to open up the dialog with God. The easiest way to start is by telling him you love him once a day. This will break the mistrust you have in him and strengthen your faith to hear him. Love is the greatest power in existence. You will have proof of that soon. Without trust and faith, you have nothing but misunderstandings. This is even the same in human behavior. I promise if you keep telling him you love him and keep your eyes open, you will SEE! Don’t forget you’re his child. You are supposed to get excited about these things. It’s okay to cry and get silly. In fact you’re supposed to.
As for your battle…. Oh, yes this is battle. You have to learn how to fight, don’t you? There are things that wish for you to fail so that they might own you. But God wants to teach you how to fight and win. You are a man! You are made in GOD’S image! If he can fight these demons then so can you. I have one sentence for you: "Father God, if this spirit is not of you, I command it to death in the name of God." Finish it with "I ask it to be judged by the spirit of Jesus Christ right now." You say that out loud or in your head. God will hear you. You can fight evil anytime anywhere with these words. Some people want to talk to these spirits. DO NOT DO THAT. If you talk to it, you feed it. If you feed something, it gets stronger and wants to stick around. You talk to your father and ask him to remove it. This is your battle, sweetheart, and you will learn and grow and move on to help others stop being victimized by evil. You are so precious and I know you will win, because GOD WINS! That is the end of this story, isn't it? God wins; we all win. I love you truly! I will pray for you and battle with you like a good sister should. He's my dad, too. That means you are my family. He is there with you, and because he has fixed me, I can be there, too.
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DianaL
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Posted: Sat Jan 16th, 2010 12:38 pm |
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Bitter and sinful feelings fuel a circle of actions and thoughts that become very hard to break. Loneliness is also a tool of the Devil.
Remember that this is a process. It takes time and dedication. Set your eyes on a goal and run after it; but the trick is when you reach the goal, do not reward or congratulate yourself. Instead, praise God for giving you the strength to overcome. When we think that we are the reason we resisted our weaknesses, we fall back into the problem headfirst.
And remember above all that God wants you to overcome this problem and be near Him. He is on your side. Temptation does not come from God. Don't give up hope. You're not alone in this problem
I'll be praying for you.
Last edited on Sun Jan 17th, 2010 12:52 am by DianaL
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ashamedteenager
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Posted: Thu Jan 21st, 2010 02:41 am |
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I greatly appreciate both inputs. Thank you so much 222 for caring for me, even when you have no clue who I am.
Just an update, I have not looked at pornography once in 2010. I have tried staying strong and refuse to let it rule my life and take over. Living in this completely different environment is amazing and I thank God everyday for it. I know this is where he wants me to be and I am happier than I was last semester.
I have started to change my outlook on viewing other men and I believe this has helped me with my struggles. I definitely tell God I love Him everyday and I hope someday I will be able to hear Him and love Him and chase after Him.
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222
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Posted: Thu Jan 21st, 2010 06:07 am |
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Your awesome!  I am so glad your happy.
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