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Pax
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Posted: Thu Jun 5th, 2008 05:50 pm |
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Good Day Brothers & Sisters in Christ,
I wanted to share my struggles with homosexual feelings/actions, and ask for prayers of healing from them. I was sexually abused at a very young age, 2 years old, and we are pretty sure it was from a man which was discovered from various therapies that I had undertaken to uncover this information from my past. This was the first sexual abuse, as there were other abuses that had happened throughout my life mostly from men or boys.
I have always felt bisexual, and I am unsure as to why outside of the obvious sexual abuses, but I know that I have had sexual attractions for both male and female throughout my life. Over the last ten years or so, I have been increasingly attracted to TS's or transexuals or ladyboys. Recently I have been spending alot of money and time in online chat rooms looking at ts's, chatting with them, and paying for online sex. This is my biggest temptation and I ask for prayers for healing from the root of all homosexual feelings and acting out in Jesus Holy Name.
It started with pictures, moved to video, and then continued into real life/time with real people. I have only had online chat with ts's, but the fantasy was to marry and live with one as husband and wife. I am married, and although it isn't a great marriage. It is the one God chose for me/us. I am a Christian, and this is a sin to God. I want/need to be free from this addiction.
I am doing better lately, I have not been going to chat rooms or looking at any images for a few days. It is just the draw or pull is still there, and I am scared. So any thoughts, suggestions, prayers, insights or experiences of healing from this would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your time & God Bless You & Yours,
Pax
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love&hate
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 01:33 am |
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Hello Pax
I am not a counsellor so it is limited with what advice i can give you.
Myself i have not been sexually abused so i am unable to understand that part at all. In my many years of worshipping lust i have crossed many boundaries, as addicts usually do in order to still get the lust hit and feel the effects.
I have lusted for transexuals at times as you have and to some degree i can understand the attraction. To my knowledge however there are two things we need to differentiate from here, love and lust.
As mentioned i have lusted for TGs but when i am out of lust i cannot imagine ever being in a loving relationship with one such as marriage. Maybe i would think of a relationship as part of my fantasy but when i am out of fantasy world and in the real world i cannot fathom it. This describes a clear cut case of lust but not love at times for the same sex.
However in your case you seemlingly have feelings of love and lust? I am not sure what was there first, love or lust... that would be a good question. Your past abuse obviously plays a important role in defining your sexual and romantic nature today but exactly how i cannot say.
The only advice i will offer today is have you considered a counsellor to talk about your homosexual feelings? Someone who has some experience in this matter? Also my situaiton is different than yours allthough it has seemed very hopless at times as i went so far. But when is the last time you surrendered every to Christ? I know you have heard this so often however for me, last time i hit another low and i was so sick of living in my filth i determined that Jesus was going to me my first priority. I know i can't beat my fantasies and attractions so i just stop trying and lay the burden at His feet.
On a day that i am successful with lust is a day that Jesus has been in my thoughts more than family, friends, porn, fantasy, attractive women, etc. On a day that i fall is when Jesus is delegated to second place, sure i am aware of Him and i think of him but the importance of my thoughts has shifted.
Of course this is not easy. If you are living in a coud of lust then how do you make Jesus #1? For me it usually takes a "rock bottom" and brokeness. When i get a moment like that i better sieze it! Who knows when i will get it again?
Yes i will pray for you.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 04:58 am |
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Hi Pax,
You may already be aware of Focus on the Family's Love Won Out program, but if not you can look for more information on family.org. I Think that Setting Captives Free may also offer help with SSA, but am not certain, and do not know if that is org or com. I hope these may help.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Pax
Member
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 04:11 pm |
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Thank you both for your replies. This is the second attempt at a post as the first was lost when I tried to preview.
I am grateful for the sharing of the online resources and for the insights shared.
I had more to say, but I am not even sure if this post is going to work.
Peace of Christ To All,
Pax
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sam
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Posted: Fri Jun 6th, 2008 11:45 pm |
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hi pax,
i am so sorry for everything you have been through. as i read your posts, i couldn't help but feel so much empathy for all you have endured. i can offer you no great earth shattering advice that will take away all your desires for sexual sin, but i can say that i will be praying for you. i hope you find the peace that you seek.
sam
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Pax
Member
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Posted: Sun Jun 8th, 2008 07:52 am |
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Thank you Sam,
For your empathy and prayers. I know that all the prayers and heavenly direction I have been receiving lately has been helping. I have only acted out in sexual sin once since asking for help/prayers here.
I am taking the The Way of Purity Course through SettingTheCaptivesFree.com, and finding it challenging and helpful. Overall, I am more hopeful, positive, and Christ centred vs. self-centered.
I have even reconnected with a Brother in Christ and he has agreed to be my accountability friend while taking the course, and I will be his accountability friend for a course he is taking.
Thank You All and Thank You BlazingGrace.org.
The Peace of Christ To All,
Pax
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Jun 8th, 2008 02:34 pm |
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Hi Pax,
I am rejoicing with you in this progress, and pray that all of this will be fruitful in your life.
TruthSeeker
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love&hate
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Posted: Sat Jun 28th, 2008 08:19 pm |
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Hello Pax
I was thinking of you and wondering how things have been going for you lately?
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