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BetterDays
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 08:47 am |
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This is my first time posting on here, so here's my story and my thoughts....
I've been married since August 2007, and I'm 20 years old. I knew my husband looked at porn and masturbated before we got married, but basically, I was really naive about the whole thing. I didn't know someone could be addicted....or I guess I didn't want to think he was. We waited until we got married to have sex, so I guess I thought looking at porn and M was just something he did since he had no other option, and that after he was married and had the real thing, it would just go away. I was so so wrong. Ever since we were married, even since our honeymoon, it's been keeping us from being really intimate with each other. He's a Christian, as I am too, and it's one of the biggest things that attracted me to him, and that I still appreciate. I've read a lot of posts on here about husbands not even thinking it's wrong, and I'm thankful that I at least have that from him. It doesn't seem to really help him though. I don't think there's been a whole week since we've been married that he hasn't at least looked at porn once. It seems like he's tried everything. Passwords on the computer, accountability with friends, praying, we even live with my mom in her basement, and he still manages to do it. Early on, he would wake up in the middle of the night and do it. Sometimes I would wake up and notice he wasn't there. The first couple times I walked in on him, after that, I didn't even bother checking, I just cried myself to sleep.
Recently, it really boiled over. In January he told me he had stopped completely looking at porn and M. I was so happy and relieved, just to completely have him, that I didn't notice our intimacy really hadn't grown until later on. When I began to bring the subject up, he would shrug it off, or sometimes he would try to tell me that it was partly my fault. That I was being too pushy and I needed to give him some space. Sometimes we would have sex for a whole week (which is weird for his needs) and I would think he was just getting used to not looking at porn anymore (once again this shows my naivety). Finally I brought it up again in the last week of March, how alone I felt , how unsatisfied I was, how I felt like he didn't want me sometimes. He finally told me, after much interrogation, that he had not only screwed up that week, and all the other times I brought up my feelings, but at least once every two days since he told me he has quit.
It's been a month, and since then I have felt more alone, more abused, more unsure and worried about the future then I have been since we have been together. I don't trust him. Every time I go to work and he's at home alone, I get sick to my stomach and want to cry. I don't have any married friends. Most of my friends are younger and the ones I've told don't have any idea what to say. I've been trying to be understanding, patient, and I've even tried to make love to him, but it's not the same at all. We are not the same. I keep thinking after reading a lot of your posts that I have a very long and very hard struggle ahead of me. This is obviously not going away anytime soon.
Since he told me about his lie, he has looked at porn at least 3 times and M once, while I was at work. I feel drained all the time with school and work and family. It's so hard to hide this from so many people. I feel like I can't tell him how I feel anymore because when I do he either says I'm sorry and screws up again or he feels sorry for himself and screws up again. Either way it continues, regardless of how I feel or what I need, and that hurts more than anything else.
I keep thinking to myself "I am so young" and I don't want to tell my parents or most of my friends how bad it really is because we just got married and we are young and I would hate to hear something like "I told you so" from any of them. I want things to be better so bad...I ache for that feeling I had over a month ago when everything was better and everything was finally ok. I'm so angry with him for giving that to me falsely and then taking it away. I really don't know what to do other than to keep going, and being a faithful forgiving wife like God wants me to be, along with trying to be ok with myself and talking to other people (which is my attempt as of right now) and trying to remain positive.
I think that's all for now. I would really appreciate and support or advice whatsoever since I have been so lacking in it lately. Even prayer would be nice. I hope to get to know you all more.
and a thank you to HopelesslyDesperate for telling me about this site  Last edited on Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 08:48 am by BetterDays
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 01:28 pm |
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Hi BetterDays,
I think many of us thought that the real thing would replace the false, but that is not always the case. Has he discussed his introduction to porn and M with you? His relationship with his family, especially his father? I realize that private counselling may be financially unfeasible, but if he could find a support group in the area, perhaps
http://www.celebraterecovery.com
If you could acquire book/s, there is Mike's at
http://www.roadtograce.com
Every Man's Battle seems to be highly regarded, and my H found When Good Men Are Tempted helpful. Not Even a Hint: Guarding Your Heart Against Lust is another I have heard recommended, as well as Beneath the Surface: Steering Clear of the Dangers that Could Leave You Shipwrecked.
The trouble with M is that the possibility is ever-present. If the porn is via computer, though, the computer could be disabled while unsupervised. It is really the roots, why he uses this form of mind-numbing escape, (and always remember it preceeded you,) that hold the key to breaking free, and, of course, much prayer.
At risk of stating the obvious, if children are not already in the picture, waiting until there is strong evidence of victory, and your relationship has healed and gotten in to proper balance is highly advisable.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 09:05 pm |
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I'm so glad you decided to post here. As I told you, I've received a lot of great encouraging words from other wives and from other addicts who can help give us a little more insight into our husbands' minds and hearts. I hope you find comfort among these other believers who have struggled with same things we have. Everyone prays for each other here. It really does make a difference. I can't respond to your words right now, but I'll try back later. I just wanted to say welcome. You are already in many prayers.
In Christ
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gaylon
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Posted: Mon Apr 23rd, 2007 10:18 pm |
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He most likely really really believes "I'm done with it now", every time he tells you that he is. I did... The ladies can say it best to you, but he probably won't have the will or the drive to do everything that he needs to do until he hits a "rock bottom". That "rock bottom" might have to be you telling him you're moving out (and meaning it) until and unless he shows good progress in all the recovery steps necessary (see home page, and other posts). I would hate to be in that position myself, but, at 22 years old (31 years ago) we were in the same position as you two are, but I didn't hit that "rock bottom", and understand that I was addicted, or have any idea what I really needed to do, until 1-1/2 years ago. I wonder sometimes if my wife moving out (or asking me to move out) would have put a 30 year short-cut to this very long ordeal we've both suffered, but her in particular... That's definitely a decision to be made with prayer, and entirely your decision, but is something to consider. Best to you both -- Gaylon V.
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HopelesslyDesperate
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 11:38 pm |
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I know it's hard to hear, but I really think your H needs to hit rock bottom. Most of the guys here with porn addictions will tell you the same thing. That's what woke my H up. Not only were we separated, but I it took a restraining order. Contact was completely cut off...then he "got it." Even Dr. Dobson says that a man must lose everything of importance to him before he will change. I know you're situation is a little more complicated because of where you guys live, but I think you should make ultimatums soon. It will be really hard, and you'll want to give in, but hold your ground. It may just be the inspiration he needs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an advocate of divorce or separation, but he needs to realize and as long as things just keep going along as they have, he won't. My H and I were completely miserable for 4 months before I finally had enough and asked him to leave. Do you really want to live your life like this forever? Do you see it changing without you being the one to take a stand. He's not making a committment for a better marriage right now, so you should. Remember, Satan has control of him. He needs to see that and realize what's happening. When he can see how serious the problem is and how it's affecting you're marriage, he'll be inspired to get real help. He'll look around and say to himself, "what am I doing?" That desperation is God's chance to intervene, and He will.
Praying for you as always...
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gaylon
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 11:57 pm |
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HopelesslyDesperate wrote: ...He'll look around and say to himself, "what am I doing?" ... True...
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BetterDays
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Posted: Thu Apr 26th, 2007 08:23 am |
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truthseeker: Thank you so much for your response, advice and prayers.
To answer some of your questions, yes I know he was introduced to porn when he was around 12-13 years old. He had a really really rough child hood. His dad died when he was 10 months old, his mom got remarried when he was in 4th grade to an older man who was a pretty good influence on him....but I know his childhood is something that still holds him down still today. You are right though, we can't afford counseling at all, and I've mentioned going to a support group numerous times and he just makes excuses. This is one of the biggest problems right now because he says he wants to stop, but he's really not putting for any visible effort. And taking away the computer when I'm not around is difficult right now because he has an online class and I work a lot when he is home by himself. I'm not trying to just shut down all of your suggestions...I guess it sounds like that though. I don't really know what else to do. I figure the only thing I have left to do is keep making suggestions and
give him ultimatums. I did take your advice there and already gave him an ultimatum about having kids (which we are not planning on doing for awhile anyways) but I told him that I won't try to have kids with him until he quits. I think that hit him pretty hard...so I'm hoping that has an effect on how hard he tries.
gaylon (and HD too): I can see what you mean by giving him ultimatums and forcing him to hit rock bottom. The idea of doing that though is, I have to admit, giving me a lot of different feelings. Part of me knows that he has to hit rock bottom, but I don't really want to be the one to make him do it; the key word being "make". I guess you could say I'm a pretty codependent person, and I guess I just don't want to feel like I'M the one who FIXED him, ya know? I want him to use this to gain confidence in himself, since he's already lost so much of it. That's what I want. But HD, what you said about it being kind of a duty in a way, like because he is being led in the wrong direction, that is my duty as his wife to pull him back....that really makes a lot of sense.
I'm going to pray about all of this because I'm having a lot of doubts just because I love him so much and I hate to see him hurt, even though I know that he is hurting everyone around him AND his relationship with God, and it needs to stop. I need courage to do the right thing if I come to a point where I have to make a big decision. Thank you all so much for responding and praying for me, I will keep you in my prayers as well.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Apr 26th, 2007 01:09 pm |
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Hi BetterDays,
I don't know what type of internet service you have, but could you assign him to a child/teen account where you could specify what sites he is allowed to visit? There is also the program Covenant Eyes that you might check in to. Perhaps just knowing that you will be notified of what sites he visits will be some incentive, though it won't affect the M.
Hugs and prayers...
TruthSeeker
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Joy Will Come Again
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Posted: Fri Apr 27th, 2007 06:57 am |
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your situation sounds like mine 9 years ago.
unfortunately, i was so naive and clueless about what to do that i basically became depressed and distanced myself from God and quit going to church.
i'm happy that you found this place so soon. i only discovered it about a month or two ago myself.
as i'm finally starting to reclaim my life, i finally gave an ultimatum this year, that if i don't see huge improvement, i'm going to consider divorce.
i can't say what to do to overcome this, it hasn't happened for either of us yet, but i can say that i wish i would have accepted the situation sooner (might have avoided depression) and i definitley would have restricted the computer a lot sooner.
you can use content advisor on your computer to allow him to go to his school website and whatever other safe sites, but nothing else.
and also, you can expect with a bad porn addiction that he will waste tons of money. i had to eventually (with his consent eventually) restrict him from the checking account, credit cards and other things. i know he doesn't like it, and i'm starting to trust him with some of those things again, but thousands of dollars were wasted.
i waited way too long for my husband to "want" to get help. things didn't start to improve until i forced it on him.
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BetterDays
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Posted: Thu May 17th, 2007 12:06 am |
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I don't want to force my husband, though. If I did that, his recovery wouldn't feel real to me (that's just my view on things though). I know it's been a while since I posted so here's an update:
The other day, I caught him (early in the morning) P and M. I have before, and of course after everything it hurts. I didn't really force him to change, I just forced him to listen to me, because he needed to hear it. I told him that I will continue fighting alongside him but that he can't have P and me, it's a simple fact. He has to choose one, whether he likes it or not, and it is his choice to make. A few hours later, he emailed the pastor from our old church to meet with him and talk (he also suggested to ME that I should get a security program, which I plan on doing). He is doing better, but I am predicting a much longer road and many more trials.
It helps to think of the things I am greatful for, and it helps to know that this trial is really helping me and not just holding me back. It is bringing me closer to God, and teaching me things about myself. My focus right now is to be a good wife no matter what, because I would want Jon to do the same if our roles were switched. I've already reaped some benefits from that. I think he is more understanding of me now and he is also more honest, and I think it is helping him with his problem, or at least I hope it is.
I believe we can only do so much, and then it is up to God. I think that is where I stand now. Please keep praying.
Have a Blessed Day
Last edited on Thu May 17th, 2007 12:07 am by BetterDays
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mission13
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Posted: Thu May 17th, 2007 02:33 pm |
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My heart really goes out to you! I am 27 and have been married for 8 years, so as you can see we were really young when we got married too. I was clueless about all this, but after 4 monthes blissfully married, my world fell apart. I hate to tell you this, but it's been 8 years and after many times that I thought he had hit rock bottom he really hadn't. I think (hope and pray) he is there now. He was remorseful and truely repentant every other time, but he just couldn't break the cycle. He was even clean for a whole year once. We are in a really bad place right now. We haven't seperated because we have 2 little girls and I can't take that step yet. But I feel like we are in a live-in seperation and if this happens again, I will be forced to take that step, as much as I don't want to.
I really know where you are at and how difficult this is for you. And I know what this has done to me and if I could go back to those early days of our marriage I would have done things differently than I did. I was so naive. I think it is a great thing that you have the benefit of this site to open your eyes to how serious this is. I know you don't want to force him and I understand that. What you probably want is for him to recognize that this has destroyed his relationship with God first and also with you. And that should be enough for him to change. But, speaking from experience, it's not. As much as it hurts, I'm just not enough for him to change. You have to keep reminding yourself that this is an addiction, as real as drugs and just as deadly. Taking a stand now would not be fixing him, but it would force him to make a choice now as opposed to 8 or more years from now when so much more has been destroyed in you and in your marriage. I know this is such a hard time and my heart aches for you because I know how lost you must feel. I will be praying for you and I hope that God will give you some guidance and direction. See if you can take some time and get away for a night or even just a day. I has also helped me to write out how I'm feeling. I'm gone this weekend, but I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. I pray that God will give you some peace. Bless you.
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