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TrueHope
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Posted: Sat Apr 14th, 2007 12:29 am |
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My boyfriend revealed to me recently that he has been struggling with an addiction with pornography for about 8 months. He was very upset, and felt very guilty telling me this. He was shocked to find out that I knew about it before he told me. (I borrowed his computer to write a paper about a month ago.) He asked how I could stand to look at him or why I didn't confront him about it. I wasn't sure then that it was my place. At that time our relationship was far less serious. He feels really guilty about what he does and how it effects me. I am the only person he has told, aside from confession at church. I have done my best to be supportive for him. He was already made an appointment with the student body chaplain for Monday afternoon. I am anxious to hear what he has to say. He wants help, and knows it will be hard. We have spent so much time talking about his since he confessed to me. I am doing all that I can to let him know that I am there for him and that he has my forgiveness. (I must admit that if I had not found out a month ago and been praying for him since then, I honestly don't know what my reaction would have been when he told me to my face.) It is hard to find someone on campus to discuss this with because it is a small school and I am so afraid of betraying his confidence. It took a long time for our trust to develope, and I can't lose it. The semester ends in 2 weeks and he is graduating. He will be in Med School next year. Over the summer visits will be few and far between because of outside situations. I only have 2 weeks to be physically present to help and encourage him. I am not sure where I will be next semester. A lot of that depends on the state of our relationship. We have discussed marriage as more than just a passing thought. I love this man with all that I am. I want to be here for him and support him how it will be most effective. Is there anything else I can do?
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Ps 18:3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Apr 14th, 2007 01:54 am |
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Hi TrueHope,It sounds, indeed, that you are already on the right track. I commend the grace and discernment, (hopefully not just head in sand,) that lead you to bathe the situation in prayer. His voluntary disclosure speaks much about the sincerity to get help, and his trust in you, and his desire to be real with you.
If you have not already done so, I would suggest connecting him with the online resources you have found. Also, many posts, not just those in the resources forum, mention books that have helped people through the recovery/healing process. Hopefully the chaplain will not gloss over and minimize this. Has he spoken to you of how he became involved? Does he seem to have an understanding of what drew him back to it over and over? 8 months, as you may have discovered from other posts, is actually a comparatively short time. That doesn't mean it should not be taken seriously, and dealt with swiftly and decisively, but there is much hope that Satan's hooks aren't as deep as they might be.
Praying for both of you...
TruthSeeker
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TrueHope
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Posted: Sat Apr 14th, 2007 02:12 am |
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I have just now been looking over all the rest of the resources available. I am unsure of how much he understands the addiction factor. (He is really smart, but when you are the one in the middle of it, you don't always see things for what they are.) I am learning from the other posts and resources the kinds of questions I need to ask in order to help him. I don't know how deep he has gotten into it. I am not sure how many questions I should ask him. What I do know about it, he has told me voluntarily. I encourage him to talk about it anytime he feels like he needs to talk about it. I am know that our school chaplain is a good, Godly man that has helped many other students that are fighting the same battle. Plus, the fact that he is a guy, and is not nearly as involved in his life, will help him to open up a great deal more with him than he has with me. I am hoping that over time, as the healing continues he will feel comfortable opening up and telling me the entire truth. He told me that me never wanted me to know, and that he thought that he could overcome it by himself before I ever had to find out. He thought that he beat it, I wouldn't have to know about it. I know how much he means every word that he tells me because I can see the love and concern and well as the shame and guilt on his face. He knows that by now I can read just about every emotion on his face without him saying a word. I feel encouaged that within a matter of days after confessing to me that he is seeking help.
I will not see him tonight because he is visiting his family at home. I will see him tomorrow, and plan on sharing the resources I have found. I want to show him the Hope he has, even though the more I read the more frightened I become about what may happen if he doesn't get the help he needs.
It helps me to help him, knowing I am not alone in my struggle as well. I just don't know how much I should question him about it. Or should I wait for him to open himself when he feels he is ready? I don't want him to think I am being judgmental because of the questions I ask, but I want to know so I can help him more. He was so afraid to tell me because he thought I would judge him and I don't want him to revert back to that feeling.
Thank you for your prayers and support
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Ps 18:3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.
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gaylon
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Posted: Sat Apr 14th, 2007 02:23 am |
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As a man in the middle of it all, I'm so glad and so hopeful for your b/f. I hope he keeps on. Get him to get on this site, and let him read the posts of the misery of men old enough to be his father (like me) who have struggled many many years. That could be some additional motivation for him to stay serious about it. You and he both are so fortunate that he's recognized it as an addiction, and is willing and able to get help. And, I stress the word "able", because 30 years ago, or even 10 years ago, the term "sexual addiction" hadn't been invented, and was not even contemplated. The attitude then was more "it's not good, and you need to quit it, but men will be men, and best not to let the little lady know about it"... God bless you both in this journey, and may it be sweet for both of you as victory over it approaches...
--- Gaylon V.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Apr 14th, 2007 03:46 am |
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Hi True Hope,
I'm not sure that I would question him exactly, but let him know that you have been reading about the subject and ask if he would like for you to share with him about what you have read, or just give him the links and let him come back to discuss what he has read, at whatever level he is willing. Don't hesitate to ask him how you can best support him. It sounds like you are a good listener and sensitive to what will help him, as well as maintain his sense of security with you. It is really best if you are not the main person to whom he is accountable.
There is a wide range of addictive experience represented here, so do not let the enemy drown you in fear. He may very well not have been anywhere near as deep as some, from what he has told you.
Hugs, and hang in there through finals.
TruthSeeker
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TrueHope
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Posted: Sun Apr 15th, 2007 07:19 am |
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Yay for progress!!!
The first part of my day sucked because of other situations and the fact that I did not get to see my b/f until about 6:30 this evening. It's so hard to be away from him 
But, when he did get back to campus we had an incredible discussion that lasted about 2 hours. I showed what I had found and showed him things that would help him navigate the site on his own. I encouraged him to atleast check out the forum and read some of the other things written on here, even if he doesn't feel comfortable joining. He promised me that he would read things on here. I am so excited that he is willing to check it out. I told him about some of the other people I have read about and their struggles and how fortunate that he is seeking help as soon as he is. (camparitively speaking) I was able to get answers to a lot of my questions without actually asking him, but just allowing him to open up to me again. I am releived that he is willing to open up to me as much as he has. He told me things I could do/not do concerning our relationship to help the process. I fully intend on doing everything to help. We went back to his dorm and we starting going through his computer. He had deleted most everything the night he told me about it, but there were some things he had missed. (By accident) I helped him to remove them and make sure they were deleted for good so that he didn't come across them by accident and fall into it again. I am so thankful for the advice and encouragement here. Thank you all so much.
And, Babe-if you are reading this-I am so proud of you and I love you so much!! 
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Ps 18:3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.
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gaylon
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Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2007 01:31 am |
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TrueHope wrote: And, Babe-if you are reading this-I am so proud of you and I love you so much!!
My wife tells me the same thing. I still don't understand the "proud of you" part, but, it's all good. Brings a tear to me eye, and wonderment in my heart, to see the words here...
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TrueHope
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Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2007 04:17 am |
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He tells me the same thing. "How can you be proud of me when I have done something that hurt you so much?"
I am proud of the courage it took for him to tell me. I am proud of the stregnth he shows, even in times of trouble. I am proud of him for willing to seek help, even if it seems scary or uncomfortable. I am proud of him for being who he is not hiding it from me anymore. I am proud of him for telling me that slipped yesterday, and he stopped himself.
I am. I am really proud of him for all these things and more and I love him through it all.
Oh-and the school chaplain had some scheduling conflicts, so they are meeting tomorrow instead of meeting today like was planned.
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Ps 18:3 I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.
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