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brokenhart
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Posted: Sun Apr 8th, 2007 02:50 am |
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I've been reading here and getting comfort for about a year from all of you who are suffering with the same issue that I am. I’m posting today because I'm in an exceptional amount of emotional pain. Just now, the pain is going to the core of my soul. My husband of twelve years loves porn and has an aversion to me. I’ve had many years of a sexless marriage and lost the opportunity for a second child. For the first four years of my sexless marriage, I thought it was my fault – maybe I wasn’t nice enough, pretty enough, sexy enough. Nothing I did helped. For the next four years, I thought that it was probably his problem, but if I loved him in the right way, I could help him overcome it. This,, coupled with his lies, hiding, and deceit, has nearly wiped me out. I doubt everything about myself. I know in my head that he is addicted and it’s not about me, but in heart, I’m crushed. I wish I didn’t feel so inadequate and rejected. I wish the pain was behind me. There, I said it out loud.
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Jrry
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 8th, 2007 03:14 am |
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brokenheart,
Welcome to our forum. Thank you posting and allowing us to pray for you.
Let me share with you that you seem to have gone through the classic stages of grief. Let me share my 12 year observation of this grief model:
The Five Stages of Grief for an Addict and Spouse
by Jerry S.
The Elizabeth Kübler-Ross model describes grief (developed in her 1969 book on Death and Dying), in five discrete stages. This is the process by which people deal with grief and tragedy. Terminally ill patients are said to experience these stages. The stages have become well known, and are called the Five Stages of Grief.
Denial - The "This can't be real" stage: "This is not happening to me. There must be a mistake."
Anger - The "Why me?" stage: "How dare you do this to me?" (either referring to God, the deceased, or self)
Bargaining - The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.: "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
Depression - The "Defeated" stage: "I can't bear to face going through this, putting my family through this."
Acceptance - The "This is going to happen" stage.: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to any form of catastrophic personal loss, such as the death of a loved one, or even divorce. She also claimed these steps do not necessarily come in order, nor are they all experienced by all patients, though she stated a person will always experience at least two.
Others have noticed that any significant personal change can follow these stages. For example, experienced criminal defense attorneys are aware that defendants who are facing stiff sentences, yet have no defenses or mitigating factors to lessen their sentences, often experience the stages. Accordingly, they must get to the acceptance stage before they are prepared to plead guilty.
In sex addiction, couples also have their stages of grief which many have described like a death within the marriage. People have different reactions to the discovery of sex addiction. Experts also acknowledge that many people will vacillate back & forth from one feeling to another and back again. As stated above, these stages could be taken out of order or skipped entirely.
The Addict feels:
Denial of the impact to himself or others “I’m not hurting anyone.” or “Everybody does it.”
Sorrow over loss his friend & god (idol) which was the behavior. Many weep uncontrollably for days.
Shame of past behavior can thwart a person from recovery. They do not feel worthy of any kindness or love.
Isolation because it feels safe. Their addiction was done in seclusion which feels secure & less threatening.
Mending himself & his relationships can be healthy recovery or medicating old wounds with a new habit.
The Spouse feels:
Numbness from the shock is a very common feeling for spouses. Many become ill from exhaustion.
Pain caused by the addicts mixed signals of saying, “I love you.” while they sere in the middle of an affair.
Anger because trust was broken multiple times over a long period. “How could you lie to me about this?”
Denial that things will change for the better / worse. It sounds odd, but some spouses don’t embrace change.
Decision about the future. This may include divorce or restoration. Doing nothing is a decision too.
The Couple feels:
Alone like the worst married couple in the world. “No one would envision two people like us.”
Mistake ridden as we can’t do anything right. “We have no friends or our family doesn‘t even like us.”
Irritation over the least little consequence. Tempers flare-up over issues because feelings are on edge.
Evaluation of how hard should we work to save this marriage.
Conclusion to work together... or ...work separate journeys
God bless,
____________________
Jerry, Facilitator for Faithful & True
Celebrating 10 years of Support Groups in Jacksonville
http://www.southpointbaptist.org/psalm51.htm
(904) 443-0246 [recorded message]
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Suzi
Member
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Posted: Sun Apr 8th, 2007 03:58 am |
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Brokenhart,
I am so sorry you find yourself here. But I am very glad you finally posted and I hope "saying it out loud" helped you.
I guess my question is, are you really better off IN or OUT of the marriage?
Is your husband even vaguely aware of how unhappy you are in this situation? Is he expressing love to you in ANY form or fashion? Is he engaged in other ways, other than sexual? Is he doing anything to be a partner to you in this marriage?
I am not saying you need to file for divorce! Please don't take it that way. But what I am asking is this... what needs to be done to change the dynamic of this marriage? The sad thing is that WE can't change other people, but we CAN change ourselves! We can change how we react and respond to people. We can change by establishing boundaries and sticking to them. It seems like this situation has been going on for a very long time. What steps toward change do you think you can make?
Thanks for sharing, so we know how to pray for you!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Sun Apr 8th, 2007 04:51 am |
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Hi BrokenHart,
I wish, my sister, that I could reach through the computer and give you some hugs you sound like you need desperately. You are a precious daughter of God, beloved so much that Jesus gave himself for you. I know that that does not make up for human rejection, especially by one who promised to love you forever, but He said that He would be husband to the widow, and it sounds that you may be feeling nearly that bereft.
I am not hearing you say that he is seeking help in any way, or even considers it to be a problem, so that puts you in the position of evaluating what to do from here. Do you have anyone in your circle of family and friends who is, or could, help bear this heavy burden? I pray that God will give you wisdom and courage for the path ahead, and will undergird you with his steadfast love.
TruthSeeker
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forthelord47
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Posted: Sun Apr 8th, 2007 05:14 am |
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Jerry,
I thank you for this contribution. It's a very thoughtful application of the grief model.
God bless,
Marc
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Jrry
Member
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Posted: Mon Apr 9th, 2007 05:51 am |
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Mark,
Thank you for the nice comments. That is a recent one page script that I found on the internet and redrafted it to reflect the addiction problem, the surviving spouse problem and the couple problem.
Though I have not had any formal education, the 'school of hard knocks' has taught much to me and others. I will share other self findings as God leads.
God bless,
____________________
Jerry, Facilitator for Faithful & True
Celebrating 10 years of Support Groups in Jacksonville
http://www.southpointbaptist.org/psalm51.htm
(904) 443-0246 [recorded message]
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brokenhart
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Posted: Tue Apr 10th, 2007 12:58 am |
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Jerry,
Thanks for sharing the grief model. It is excellent.
My husband has admitted and then denied that he has a problem on four separate occasions. At the moment, he is in denial but he is willingly seeing an addictions counselor.
Suzi,
I am finally establishing boundaries and I realize that this will probably end the relationship.
He wants me as a roommate but he needs the porn. I know what he’s going to pick when I force the choice.
Truthseeker,
I opened a book this morning and read “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18) I am blessed to have loving family and friends.
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Jrry
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 10th, 2007 04:48 am |
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You are most welcome.
God bless,
____________________
Jerry, Facilitator for Faithful & True
Celebrating 10 years of Support Groups in Jacksonville
http://www.southpointbaptist.org/psalm51.htm
(904) 443-0246 [recorded message]
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junkyardboy
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 12th, 2007 05:08 am |
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hello jerry,
i am perplexed and confused.
i have been to the main website that you show in your signature and i assume that it is a fundamentalist church with baptist affiliations.
there-in lies my confusion.
regardless of how logical she may sound, how can an occultist like kubler-ross be recommended and tied to the teaching of Christ.
this is a woman that advocated out of body experiences and other occult thinking and finally died a bitter woman who had no comfort from the afterlife or even her own words.
what than are we to say? that the message of God in Christ Jesus needs help from the likes of kubler-ross.
that God's plan of salvation and freedom and victory over our sins, including sexual, is insufficent.
thanks and anticipating your reply,
peter
____________________
have we been abandoned by God?
http://www.apprising.org/archives/2006/11/dr_john_macarth.html
http://www.valleybible.net/position_papers.php
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forthelord47
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Posted: Thu Apr 12th, 2007 01:03 pm |
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Not confusing to me, It's amazing how the Lord works through all of his children, even the ones that do not recognize him as their Lord and Savior. While Kubler-Ross might not of led the life of a Christian, her work on grief has brought profound insight and comfort to so many people. It's clear to me that Jrry intention in modifying Kubler-Ross's work was not to promote the occult but to bring insight, comfort to sex addicts and their spouses, working to "recover" themselves, just like Adam and Eve, so they can stand clean in the magnificant presence of the Lord. We have a living God, whose plan continues to unfold for us. While the Lord knows the final outcome, he has allowed all of us the opportunity to contribute to the process, to be part of His dynamic plan. From what I've read so far, it's clear to me that Jrry has his heart focused on Jesus and I thank him again for the love he brings to his brothers and sisters in Christ.
God bless,
Marc
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junkyardboy
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 12th, 2007 07:59 pm |
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greetings marc,
well i have moved from perplexed and confused to distressed.
where do we ever find the concept of universal salvation or we are all God's children?
from the prophets of old to Christ Himself the scripture is clear, wide is the path that leads to destruction and many will follow it.
there is a way that seems right to man but the way thereof is death.
rightly divide the the word of truth.
and on and on the admonishment of God to sinful man goes.
no where are we to recover ourselves so as to appear clean before God
our righteousness is as filthy rags and there is no good thing in us.
it is He that washes us clean in the blood of the Lamb, it is He that saves, it is He that restores, it is He that heals.
we do not need to psychoanaylize ourselves and tickle our ears with the words of sinful man. we need to see ourselves as God sees us and repent.
let us then come boldly before the throne of grace, washed clean by God's grace and faithfulness and find rest.
the proof dear friends is in the pudding....kubler-ross died bitter with no comfort from her own words and philosophy.
the saints thru the ages died joyous in the riches set before them, glorious in the tender mercy of God and for ever rejoicing in His wonderous presence.
let us preach Christ and Him crucified. all else is sinking sand.
peter
____________________
have we been abandoned by God?
http://www.apprising.org/archives/2006/11/dr_john_macarth.html
http://www.valleybible.net/position_papers.php
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Jrry
Member
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Posted: Fri Apr 13th, 2007 04:50 am |
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junkyardboy,
Thank you for the feedback. I am aware of kubler-ross and her issues and I take seriously what you say.
I am also aware of an issue that goes on in fundamental circles & secular ones, and that is plagiarism. I try very hard to give literary credit to an author...if they have something of value that I want to share with the forum. In this particular case, I did not uplift kubler-ross and her lifestyle, but only her literary work as it applies to sex addicts.
Actually that is why I rewrote the 5 stages, because she was not a Christian. However, as a Christian, I can not claim or steal work from someone else no matter what I think of them. If I wrote the 5 stages without giving her credit, I would be no less of a thief than a bank robber.
Junkyard, I appreciate your rigid stand for the truth and not compromising your faith or mine. I hid behind rigid behavior for 30 years. Now, on this side of recovery, I find that God is introducing me to a lot of resources I would have rejected in my old way of thinking.
One more thing. The Bible is clear about discerning the truth in his Church and be wary of false witnesses. I am very protective of my church and internal ministries. Though not directly addressed in the Bible, I do not find this forum or its members answerable to a stict doctrine. Instead, I yield to the Godly wisdom of the moderators of this discussion board.
God bless,
Jerry
Last edited on Sun Apr 15th, 2007 05:50 am by Jrry
____________________
Jerry, Facilitator for Faithful & True
Celebrating 10 years of Support Groups in Jacksonville
http://www.southpointbaptist.org/psalm51.htm
(904) 443-0246 [recorded message]
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