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lucylivingonfaith
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Posted: Sun Mar 25th, 2007 09:28 pm |
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| Hi, I am new to this site but I am glad I found it. My husband of almost 15 yrs has a porn addiction that I just found out about 7 1/2 yrs ago. He says that it started on our new computer that year with pop up porn but who knows the truth. He never admitted it to me I had to catch him in action to bring it to a hault. We had 2 girls at the time so I took in all the I'm sorries and I forgave him and tried again which was not easy but as time went on I got better. Well a few days ago I caught him again and he says it just started again a few months ago, this time a dvd he swears he found. We now have 3 girls, he is a deacon in our church and everyone thinks he is a model husband and would look down on me if we split. We do have a appointment with a counselor but I did tell him last time I would not have that sinful garbage in my house around my girls and he swore it would never happen again and I told him the marriage would be over if I found it again, What should I do? believe him again or leave with my 3 girls. I just don't think my heart can take anymore of this. I have images in my head I don't think I will ever overcome. I am trying to do the christian thing here especially for my girls. I don't know maybe I just need to vent! Thanks for the help.................He says he loves me and don't want a divorce but how many chances do you give?
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forthelord33
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 01:32 am |
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Greetings and thanks for reaching out. I'm sure that you will be hearing from some of the women that post on her but I had a few questions that might help you with your questions. You did not mention much about the day to day relationship that you have with your husband. You mention that other people think of him as the model husband but can you comment on the richness of your marital relationship in general ? Of course, only answer this if you think it would be useful.
God bless,
Marc
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 01:22 pm |
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Hi Lucy,
There is probably more that you need to learn, if you do not already know it, though you do not need to answer here. The chances that your H's first exposure to porn was via computer 7+ years in to your marriage are slim. There was likely exposure long before you were married. Additionally, if you have read the articles on the homepage, you may know of struggles from his youth that make him susceptible to porn--pain that he is seeking to numb/escape. Did he get any help 7.5 years ago, or was it just the apology and willpower? If he did not get any help, another chance, should he actually pursue recovery seriously this time, is probably warranted. It is entirely possible that neither of you realized last time what was truly needed in order to break free of this difficult, insidious addiction. I would find it very difficult to believe that he "found" a dvd. Where? Such things aren't just usually lying around for the taking. Something you may want to consider when assessing his claim of when it began again, or ever stopped, as ForTheLord suggested, is his behavior patterns between the two discoveries. Did you notice any changes in the last few months in patterns of intimacy, or time he spent isolated, up late on the computer etc.?
Do you have the knowledge or resources to fully examine your computer for history, cookies, image or video files? There are filters you can use as a support to his recovery. Does he have access to any other computers, such as at work? I know it may be difficult, but it is not a bad idea to look through the house thoroughly, especially if there are any areas to which you do not usually pay much attention. Addicts have also been known to hide things in their cars. Do you have full knowledge of all financial transactions? While there is much too much stuff available free, unaccounted for funds can also be a clue. He may be offended by your investigation, but as addicts are notorious liars/concealers, and he has broken trust, he is not in a very good position to expect to be trusted at the moment.
The following is just my opinion, so ask your counsellor about it, as he/she may feel that keeping everything else on an even keel would be more supportive of recovery. It is not unreasonable for him to consider resigning as a deacon, or, at the least, let them know that he is, generically speaking, in marriage counselling and seek their input. It should, indeed, be a matter of gravest consideration to end a marriage, and such addictions have done just that, but usually when the addict is unwilling to follow through, committedly, with recovery and rebuilding and healing the marriage.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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lucylivingonfaith
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 04:21 pm |
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Thank you for your advice. I am really relying on my faith in God for answers this time because of my family. It would devestate my girls for our home to split. To answer a question earlier our relationship was really good before the first discovery seven years ago. After that he thinks it was good but I had a hard time placing my heart and trust in our relationship as much as before but I did try and things were o.k. Right now, I don't have any feelings of any kind under the circumstances, it is just too soon. I know that God can change that but we both have got to work on it. He says he wants to work at it and I believe that. I just don't think he quite understands just what damage has been done here. The first time it happened he just wanted to pick up the pieces and go on because he was sorry and It would never happen again, Actually he said "I may make mistakes again in our marriage but that would not be one of them again" He did not think it required starting over but now it would definately take that for us to make it and I don't know if he understands how difficult it will be. He knows he did wrong but he follows me everywhere around the house and I feel I can't breathe with him here. When he is at work I feel better just knowing he is not here. If that makes any sense. Maybe someone who has been to marriage counseling can tell me if it really helps. I still think deep down that he is in love with himself more than me and he don't even realize it. This is from other things I noticed also other that just this porno problem. Is it possible that counseling could make him see this if this is the case?
Thanks,
lucy
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 06:29 pm |
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Hi Lucy,
I trust that this is a christian counsellor you will be seeing? Do they have any experience with this subject? The effectiveness depends on several factors which begin with commitment and honesty on both your parts. Many, many couples have been helped by counselling. One of the first things he needs to grasp is that viewing pornography is, essentially, by lusting in the heart, adultery. It gives us the feeling of pain that we are not the only one for him, shaking our senses of security and image to their foundations. This is not just an oopse, a cross word, an inconsiderate deed, forgetting the anniversary. It is a breech of our marriage vows.
Any idea why he is sticking so close? Could he be staying so close to avoid temptation, or being accused of acting out?
Praying for wisdom and discernment is crucial. It is important to bring up concerns in as non-threatening/accusatory a manner as possible. Sometimes our preceptions of one another's motivations and behavior are quite different from how we intend to be understood. Yes, what you perceive as selfish may be just that, but it could be something else, say tremendous insecurity masquerading as self-absorbtion.
Continuing to pray for you all...
TruthSeeker
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 07:36 pm |
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Oddly enough, I suspect part of the following around problem may be the wounded ego. I have a suspicion that when the "other women" aren't around to fantasize about and all the fantasy attention .... the ego suffers. I think another part of it might be wanting to be reassured things are okay (even tho they aren't). Does that make sense? I have exactly the same problem. It can get real old real fast. 
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 09:41 pm |
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A pattern I noticed with my H's porn useage... he became more selfish, not only in the bedroom, but overall. It seemed to affect all areas of his life. I don't know if this is typical or if it was just the way it affected my H. He didn't seem to want to please ME. I felt more like a maid than a wife.
When he got caught up in porn, our whole marriage changed. I wish I had not been so naive back then and had made more of a stink. I wish I had given him some ultimatums but I really didn't have a clue what we were up against.
Don't make the same mistake I made. OK?
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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gaylon
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 11:31 pm |
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lucylivingonfaith wrote: ...he follows me everywhere around the house and I feel I can't breathe with him here....
I can remember doing exactly the same thing. For many days (maybe a few weeks (sorry)) I would be her shadow - like white on rice, bark on a tree, etc. I felt extremely insecure, and felt somehow secure when I was physically close to her. I really don't know why, although I could say it was looking for the security I never really had as a child, etc. At any rate, for me seems that it was a part of the process. Sometimes I still do it, just not constantly. It might actually be a good sign ;-) I mentioned it to my wife tonight, and she was mainly amused by it, and figured it would end sooner or later, since that's not my usual nature...
Another "phase" I went through was pretty much worshipping her, for her willingness to forgive and to help. Though it would be unhealthy to continue for long, that also seems to be part of the process...
--- Gaylon V.
Last edited on Wed Mar 28th, 2007 03:32 am by gaylon
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Gettinbetter
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Posted: Wed Mar 28th, 2007 08:10 pm |
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Lucy,
I am a 55 year old male, sex addict. I stuggled with this for most of the last 40 years. God has freed me from the bonds of this addiction, for which I am indescribably grateful. We try not to judge anyone who comes on this forum. Your pain is your pain, and your husband's sin, is his sin.
Realize I could be completely off base here. But I sense something, an underlying something...
"We now have 3 girls, he is a deacon in our church and everyone thinks he is a model husband and would look down on me if we split."
"After that he thinks it was good but I had a hard time placing my heart and trust in our relationship as much as before but I did try and things were o.k.
He did not think it required starting over but now it would definately take that for us to make it and I don't know if he understands how difficult it will be."
"I still think deep down that he is in love with himself more than me and he don't even realize it. "
What I hear is...and please realize I intend this with genuine love and gentleness...but I hear unforgivness and some kind of resentment. Why would people look down on you if you split? It's his problem, not yours. I'm really sorry to even approach this, but it sounds like you might have had your husband on some kind of pedestal and just can't forgive him for being human.
Please understand, I am in no way condoning or excusing his actions. What he did is sinful and needs to be stopped. But I keep hearing Jesus saying, "he that is without sin, cast the first stone..."
And if you will read other posts of mine, you will see I take a very strong stance against husbands caught up in sexual sin. There is no room for this to continue, none. And if you want to leave him, I believe you have God's blessing...either way. You don't need to stay in a marriage with an adulterous partner.
But, I just get a sense from what you've said that something else is not right between you two. I have italicized some things in your post that hint at something deeper that needs repair. I can't put my finger on it, or articulate it accurately, but I hear something beyond this sin.
And, Lucy, please understand that I am in no way placing any blame on you, or in any way making an accusation. It is just an observation, something for you to think about.
If I have misunderstood or misinterpreted your situation, I apologize. I meant no harm.
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Praise6
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Posted: Sat Mar 31st, 2007 02:51 pm |
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Lucy
I am so sorry that you find yourself here. You say your husband is a Deacon. How is he justifying staying a Deacon?
My husband had to have his option of acting our with porn, removed. It just was not ok in our marriage. At that point we were not Christains, so divorce was going to be our answer. Since then, we have become Christains. Now, if he were to mess up we would separate indefinitely. I just can not let porn in this house.
I am praying for you and your family.
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lucylivingonfaith
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Posted: Sat Mar 31st, 2007 04:14 pm |
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Hi everyone,
Just wanted to say that things are a little better here since I first posted. Is everything o.k.? NO but we are making some progress. We have started seeing a counselor this week and he is going alone next week. Thank you all for your advice and I have been taking it all in. As for the forgiveness issue, I have to say that is not the problem. Like I said I have been through this once before and have been through alot of these same emotions before and I have to say that as a dedicated christian I have forgiven him for this sin. Am I hurt-yes, am I confused-yes, can I trust him-no, etc. For those women who have been through this before probally know exactly what I am talking about. You can love and forgive your spouse without having trust in the relationship because they broke your marriage vows. I know my husband can be forgiven because Jesus paid that price for our sins, but as christians we also know that once we repent for our sins we are to learn from them and put God first. God did not say for us to continue the same sin and constantly repent for the same sin. I strongly believe if we put God first like we should he is there to keep us from continueing that sin. My husband says this addiction was not something he did continuous on a regular basis and with counseling I believe that is true but I think their is issues there that brought this sin own. If that makes any since. That is what we are trying to discover now. I will say in this marriage as long as he is trying to communicate with me and not turning to porno I will try to keep this marriage together but if continues with this I will leave. As for the deacon issue he did turn in his resignation, he does know that what he did is wrong, I just need to know that in the future he will love me enough to think before he reacts to porn. I believe that my husband's first problem now is that he has let God go from the #1 spot in his life and if anyone lets their focus go off the Lord, Satan will attack you no matter what position you have in the church, no one is exempt from satan's web of lies. The whole problem with this world today is that we have let other things take over where God should be in control. Thanks for listening!
Lucy
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Suzi
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Posted: Sat Mar 31st, 2007 06:51 pm |
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Lucy,
It sounds like you two are making progress. Yes, I definitely undestand about the forgiveness/trust issues.
Thanks for posting the update. I hope you two continue to make progress!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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