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Joy Will Come Again
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Posted: Sat Mar 24th, 2007 04:25 am |
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I'm glad I found this site and forum. I have felt so alone not being able to talk to anyone.
I found out my husband had a sex addiction the first month we were married, although I didn't know the depth of it or what exactly sex addiction was at the time.
I love my husband as a person, but I really don't think I'd marry him again if I could do it over. It has been hellish.
I've been so mad at God for so long. This is what I remained a virgin for?
I thought we would be a team that could be in Christian ministry together, but if anything, he is my ministry it seems. I don't know if I made the wrong choice of a person to marry, or God wanted me to help him, but it doesn't seem fair. I didn't sign up for this.
He has been repentant so many times, and always cooperates with steps to change. I can see his pain. I feel compassion, but he makes everything worse. He wants to feel as if we both have equally contributed to the bad state of our marriage. That is so wrong! He's even scoffed "What, are you a victim?!?" Ummm.... yes.... at least that's the way I feel.
The ultimate worst part is that he just doesn't appreciate as a whole all of the crap I have put up with in him. I honestly think because I know the real him that he on a very deep level just resents me.
What hope of a enjoyable relationship is there really? There are days where we still enjoy being friends, but this problem is always there, troubling me. Thank God we don't have children, but I fear that if I stay with him, I will never want to have children with him. I really can't imagine what total recovery would be like.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Mar 24th, 2007 02:03 pm |
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Hi JWCA,
I am glad that you found us here, and sorrow to hear of yet another family afflicted with this pain. None of us are perfect, but yes, as regards his addiction, he came like that and you have suffered greatly because of it. What steps has he taken to get help? Has it made any difference at all? Are the two of you in ministry? If so, there may come a point, if he does not gain victory in his recovery, where it could be necessary for him to leave ministry and/or have superiors or board involved. I think that you are wise not to have brought children in to this situation, but hope and pray that you will be able to do so in the future without reservation. I urge you not to let his sin be divisive in your relationship with God, as that just gives Satan one more thing to grin about. Unfortunately, God never promised to insulate us from the colateral damage of sin, but he has promised to be with us every step of the way as we struggle along, if we will let him.
Praying for you both...
TruthSeeker
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Sat Apr 21st, 2007 01:12 pm |
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The "blame" game is as old as time. I too go through that on a regular basis. At one point I discovered while I was known to go to church and be a "good little wife" he was drinking with his buddies from work (unbeknowst to be) and other things.
While I do not have hard evidence, I believe he did have an affair as well.
It is VERY frustrating, but this time around (and yes, I find myself here again) I am keeping my focus on God. I've given him a requirement (he must start counseling in thirty days) and I do and focus on what God has given me to do.
The truth is that after all of this, you most likely DO have issues that need some touch up in the marriage - frankly, we all do, but that does not make you responsible for his actions.
If I've said it once, I've said it a million time - if I had that kind of power or a magic wand that makes you do things, don't you think things would be radically different around here?
I know they would be!
Sorry you find yourself in this position, it is rather horrific.
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Joy Will Come Again
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Posted: Fri Apr 27th, 2007 07:12 am |
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right now i just find myself mourning the marriage i wanted so badly, and know i will never have with him.
if i stay with him it's almost worse than having remained single and never finding anyone. i really don't even want to have a sexual relationship with him anymore.
i'm actually dreading the idea of facing that if he is successful in recovering.
i hate that this is a part of my life EVERY DAY, and will continue to be as long as i am with him.
i feel complete compassion for him as a person apart from me, but i hate him as a husband.
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Joy Will Come Again
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Posted: Fri Apr 27th, 2007 07:21 am |
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thank you for your encouragement truthseeker.
he has made steps including willing submission to computer and tv blocks, restricted access to money, and my reviewing all of his email.
he has said he experienced a freedom after having thrown out all the porn, and not being able to access more. he knows it will not go away overnight, but he says he is making progress, and i believe him.
i still can't imagine having children with him, but we'll see how things go.
i feel i have finally accepted the situation, and i am rebuilding my relationship with God. i have to believe that God knew what i walking into when i didn't and therefore wanted me not to have a happy marriage or a ministry partner. that hurts, but i surrendered my life to God before i met my husband, so this must be His choice for me.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Apr 27th, 2007 01:07 pm |
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Hi Joy Will Come Again,
I'm glad you checked in and updated us on your situation. Did you read JunkYardBoy's post about the refining of silver? That wasn't the subject line, but I don't remember just how that went--something about comfort for difficult times, or something like that.
I'm glad to hear that your H is working on this, though you indicate that he has done so before. Is there something different about this time that seems more likely to bring long-term victory?
I know that God does not always work the same in each situation, but I lay the matter of desire for my husband at His feet, asking Him to renew it, and he did. As whole marriages are clearly His design, it is likely, though it could certainly take time, that the answer to such a prayer would be affirmative. Distinguishing between God's will for our lives and the effects of others' sin on our lives is not an easy thing. God does not enforce His will on anyone, but promises to stay beside us throughout our lives, followed by the joy of sinless eternity.
Praying more...that morning will, indeed, come soon for you and your husband...
TruthSeeker
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Joy Will Come Again
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Posted: Sat Apr 28th, 2007 02:57 am |
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I think the something different this time is the discussion we had about it. Previously we would only discuss symptoms, and then there was not much follow up, because I just didn't have the strength to confront it, and he always got better and better at covering it up.
I think he is fed up with the problem, and realizes he cannot ignore this for the sake of his relationship to God. I think he can sense a big difference about how serious I am about this problem.
I really don't know if he will overcome this. I'm hoping he will, for his sake. Of course, I know that he could be BSing me, but we covered the lying in our talks too.
So, I hope it won't come to consequences, because I don't even know if I have the courage to leave.
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