| Author | Post |
|---|
Fighting for whats right
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 11th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 6 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 12th, 2007 07:30 am |
|
I dont know where to start... and I hope because I am not a wife yet that its ok to post on here. I guess I could start by saying i'm 21 and my fiance is 28 and we were suppose to be getting married in 2 years but now i'm not sure. I was so happy with the relationship I had with my fiance in November. We went on a weekend to his parents house and his mom, him and I went out to lunch one day and he got the idea to look at engagement rings. That weekend I got the most amazing 3 carat ring. We didnt make it offical we decided since it had to be ordered that we would do it in December with family. One weekend in December I went to his house. We would see eachother every weekend by taking turns going to eachothers homes because we lived 2 hours away from one another. Every Sunday we would go to church together. He is Catholic so we would go to his chruch and I am Christian so we would go to my church. I thought everything was perfect that weekend. He sat me down and said " I think I have a problem" I had no idea what was going on. He said "Sweetie I think I have a problem with porn". I can honeslty say my entire world fell appart from those words. Within 10 min I realized its not the end of the world but then he said there was more. He then began to tell me that he also had a problem with looking and lusting after other women. That I had a problem with. I didnt understand how someone who said they loved me more than anything could be looking at another woman. First thing that went through my mind was " How can this be happening... this isnt the way it is suppose to go." But it was real and with those few words I lost all self esteem because I felt I wasnt good enough. Growing up I was always told I have the looks and I always knew that didnt matter. Right then and there it didnt matter if I had the looks or not because I was losing the man I love. It's been 3 months since he broke the news and we never did officially get to be engaged in December. In the 3 months he has gotten counceling and has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from a Psychiatrist but also a Psychologist who happens to be his mother. He let me know there was a problem and he is getting help to make himself a better man and husband for me. So this all happened in December and at the beginning of January I checked in and asked him how it was going and had he stopped looking like he had promised. He had stopped for 2 weeks then looked for a week and then would stop for 2 weeks. I dont know if I had the right to be angry or not but I was furious. I felt betrayed yet again. So he promised he would stop again. In Feb I checked in and he was still doing the same thing so I sat him down and told him he had to choose between me and the porn and the looking at other women... he could not have both. That sunday my church preached about relationships and porn, he leaned over to me and thanked me for being patient and that he knew he had to stop. Well its now March and last Sunday we decided to take a break after I found out he had not stopped looking at other women. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I dont want to be in a relationship where I am not the only woman. I am so proud of him for doing the work he is doing, but I am finding it so hard to let the anger go since it is so fresh. I also have a tough time going out in public places with him because I constantly am wondering who he is looking at and who I have to compete with that night. I was not that person... I have never been that person. Never in any relationship have I been insecure and I have never been insecure with myself and all of a sudden one man has turned me into this. I know he has a problem and we are trying to work on this. We are doing ok as friends, but does anyone know how we can fix our relationship so that we still have a chance to be together? Is there a way for us to be happy? Or should we both walk away and try to move on? I am going nuts missing him and he is missing me so much... He leaves me messages telling me he does. I know I should feel blessed that he came to me and told me he had the problem instead of me finding out a few months into being married and finding out by finding a website or something. The honest factor helps .... but I need help trying to get past this.
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 867 |
| Status: |
Online
|
| Mana: |   |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 12th, 2007 02:34 pm |
|
Hi FFWR,
Yes, it is fine to post here. Many fiances and girlfriends have.
Yes, it is a better way to find out by being told than to make the ugly discovery, but that doesn't make it hurt less. All you are experiencing is normal. First, let me reinforce that this does not have anything to do with you or your appearance. It has to do with trying to numb pain with sexual anesthesia. Like any drug, it only works for a while, and then the problems/pain are still there. The psychiatrist has diagnosed PTSD, but is he acknowledging the sexual addiction? Many in the secular psychology community do not, and if this is the case, your fiance will need to find a christian counsellor. He could try support groups such as Celebrate Recovery or SAA. He should have at least one male accountability partner. There are many resources and books discussed in the resources forum, as well as many other posts. The founder of this site has a book
http://www.roadtograce.com
This will help both of you understand the subject better. Some of its content is on the BlazingGrace homepage in article format.
Some guys have found this strategy to be effective for looking. They wear a rubber band or elastic bracelet and snap it enough to sting when they catch themselves looking at other girls in public. I have not heard that this has helped with the porn aspect though. If it is computer based, is he open to having accountability software put on his PC, for which you would have any password, and get e-mail if he is, or is trying to view? It is very understandable that you do not want to throw away this relationship in which you have invested time and love. There is hope, as long as he continues to work hard, which should bring noticeable diminishing of acting out. Be vigilant for inconsistencies, which might be a red flag for lying. Also, though, the milder you can keep any reactions to confessions of falls, even if you scream and cry at home later, vent to a girlfriend, etc., the safer he will feel to continue being honest with you. Only after a period of sobriety with which you feel comfortable should you begin to discuss marriage again.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
|
Fighting for whats right
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 11th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 6 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 12th, 2007 05:01 pm |
|
Thank you for the welcome. I had joined a womens site but I realized after I joined it was about sexual problems and not what this site represents.
You are right, I know that him being honest with me and telling me he had a problem is the best way to find out and I am so glad to hear that I still have a right to be hurt and angry. I felt for the last 3 months that I had no right to feel what I was feeling when he was going through this hell. He told me that he has had this problem since he was 17 when his college buddies got him started in on it. He also told me that our relationship is the first that made him want to be honest with anyone. He told his mother and father before he todl me that he had this problem. If you could imagine it was a shock but thankfully they were there to support him and to support me through this time. His mother is a psychologist and she is the one who helped him see that it was PTSD he has since been diagnosed by a psychatrist. She openly admits she is the cause for verbally and mentally abusing him and his sister when they were children. I dont condone something like that and I think they should have handled the situations a lot different and I am not making excuses for them but 2 parents at the age of 19 having little girl and then the next year having a son, college full time for both parents and full time jobs.... thats a lot on their plate and I understand being under stress but like I said above its something that I dont condone.
He Does realized he has a problem... He is Catholic and he was going to church but he felt he wasnt getting the messages he needed so he came to my church. He has been feeling that he is getting help that way along with a psychologist. The problem is I am still in college and live at home with my parents and he lives 3 hours away from me thankfully not alone anylonger. The good thing is the porn addiction actually being a problem happend just in the past 2 years because he moved to a new city alone and depression set in and he turned to that. I have only known him since June and we spent the entire summer together working on a project so after the project was over in August we decided we wanted to date. From August to the beginning of December we were perfect to I thought but as you can see I was rong lol. He is completely honest with me and I am very lucky for that. If I ask him if he has been looking he tells me and he cries because he knows he has hurt me. He is working really hard but when I find out that he slips up I get so angry and I try to hide it but I cant always and he gets on the defensive saying that he is doing his best. Both my parents know whats going on and they have been supporting him. when he comes to visit they dont treat him any different... and he has been as honest and open with them as he has been with his parents and myself.
It was his idea to put up computer blocking and I am proud of him for that... but the blockers dont block normal women. He gets on myspace and looks at my friends friends and looks at them ... fully clothed women he just looks and he gives me the excuse for that ... that its PTSD.... I feel aweful when I tell him I think that part is a copout ...as I keep reading more about PTSD I am finding that its part of it and its hard to let go. Before he was diagnosed with PTSD he admited that he had the problem with that. I feel like a terrible person to get angry about the looking at other women but I have never been treated like this ever in my entire life.
Its really hard to find someone to talk to right now. My parents are happy we are taking a break because they are tired of seeing me hurting and crying... but now I am crying because I miss what we had in the beginning and miss him. I have a few guy friends that are telling me they understand I am hurt but they are like porn is just there its not a big deal... every guy looks at porn and other women. Then I have my girl friends telling me to dump him because he is not worth it or that he is treating me aweful. I dont need someone telling me to give up the love of my life right now and none of them understand because they have never had to deal with it or some are younger and dont see relationships as I do. I am so glad I found this site where there are others going through the same thing and have been able to get through it. I need the hope right now that he can get better that he is trying to get better. On this break we decided we didnt want to date... the moment a few people found out we were taking a break I got asked out literally 5 times in last week. That made me feel better about myself and made me feel wanted agian but it made me miss my fiance even more and wished we were like that agian. We have only been dating for 7 months and I am afraid what my future would be like with him if we ever do make it to marriage. I told him we have a chance to get back together but only if he can stop this completly .... I wont be in a relationship where i am 1 of 999. I believe the Christian way of one woman and one man. Sorry for the vent... thank you for the prayers and advice they are greatly needed.
Lots of Love
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 867 |
| Status: |
Online
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 12th, 2007 06:16 pm |
|
Hang in there. It sounds like you are in the best possible situation for this type of circumstance. Praise God that your parents are so gracious, and that his acknowledge the wrongs of the past. It is, from what I have read and experienced, a rare thing for a guy to go cold turkey and never relapse. Is there any indication that his slips are getting less frequent, and/or of less duration? I hope, in working on the PTSD, that he is exploring forgiveness of his parents. He may also be dealing with self esteem issues, and/or albeit mistakenly, feelings of guilt for being so inadequate that his parents would have treated him that way.
I would like to try and shift your thinking about yourself. Yes, it is flattering to be asked out, especially by multiple people, but keep in mind, as you mentioned, that others tell you that you are attractive, and guys often start with that criterion, even though it is of no significance in a lasting relationship. Consider how much your boyfriend values you. He found you to be so exceptional, so much more special than anyone he has dated, that he was willing to be vulnerable and risk everything, losing you, in order to eliminate barriers to the growth of your relationship. His conscience is tender, and the vulnerability, not just with you, but with all parents, is nothing short of amazing.
Is he looking for a church in his area where he will be challenged spiritually?, as he is not currently attending with you?
Praying for you both...
TruthSeeker
|
Fighting for whats right
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 11th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 6 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 12th, 2007 07:40 pm |
|
TruthSeeker,
Thank you so much for your kind words. Dont worry I have not once wanted to leave him and never have wanted to date someone else while I was with him and I still dont... I want him and only him... What the other guys are saying is just flattery and I dont plan on going out with any of them because I am dedicated to my fiance and only him.
He has relapsed a few times in the past 3 months. He has been making a lot of changes in his life to better himself. He got a great promotion with his job in Jan and moved feb and that took him back to the city thats closer to his family and a place that makes him happier... he was living 5 hours away from family and friends and never really went out with anyone for a few years... thats when it got bad. He met me and it was hard because I lived 2 hours away from him. Now because of his move we are 3 hours away from one another. He became friends with my best guy friend who was looking for a new area to move to so he moved in with him... and my fiances sister moved in as well...The problem is ... his sister is telling him that he is not good enough for me and that is not what he needs to be hearing right now.
He is new to that area and is looking for a church to attend that will help with his addiction. He does not have any anger towards his parents. They all are working on healing the past. To be honest I would think that if his sister didnt have any problems that the PTSD wasnt real just a copout but it is real... his older sister is just as messed up as he is only she handled her situation a little differently. She secludes herself from everyone and you try to get close to her and she will verbally attack you. She is a wonderful woman just hurt terribly. I have noticed from what he has told me that he would go 2 weeks and then start looking at porn.... Well he had stopped for a few weeks but was still looking at other women online... just looking... I honestly dont know which is worse him looking online at other women or him looking at porn. Both are terrible but it feels like I am trying to compete with women that are real. I feel aweful now looking at other posts and what other women are going through because mine seems not as bad but the pain is still there. I feel that I didnt give him a chance to get better i guess. Because he messed up and I told him to stop it and he did it agian and I told him to stop then I told him he had to stop or it was going to destroy us. This last time I found out he told me he had quit looking at the porn but was still looking at other women and I asked him when he was doing that was he really thinking about how it was going to effect our relationship and he told me yes but that it felt like a compulssion that he couldnt stop. He does have a compulsive dissorder... another part of PTSD... and I did know about that before he was actaully diagnosed with it. I feel like and aweful person telling him we needed a break but everytime I cried he was crying because he was hurting me. I still beleive that the break is for the best thing for ur right now so he can work on his progress without him trying so hard to protect me. We still talk multiple times a day and we talk about our relationship. Actually last night after I made my first post I sent him an email with a few different support groups on line so he can have the support of other men. I know everything happens for a reason and my experience will help somebody else its just difficult lol
Thank you for the prayers and the kind words
they mean everything right now
Lots of love
FFWR
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 867 |
| Status: |
Online
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Mon Mar 12th, 2007 08:26 pm |
|
With sisters like that...argh! I hope he is not believing her.
TruthSeeker
|
Fighting for whats right
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 11th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 6 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 04:55 am |
|
So today we talked and he told me he fell back agian and was looking at other women...not porn but he was on a dating website looking. So tonight when we talked I told him I got asked out and that really bothered him. I felt since he was being honest I would be. He didnt like the idea of me going out with someone else and I told him if he cant make himself stop he will have to get use to the idea... I told him it was his choice.
Was that a good idea or did I make a mistake?
Again thank you for the thoughts and prayers.
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 867 |
| Status: |
Online
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 06:00 am |
|
Hard to say... If you stated it factually, not, say, in retaliatory anger, then it could really give him pause, adding another possibility besides not getting together for the moment. It might be the added incentive he needs to motivate change. I hope that it did not have the affect of him giving up, thinking that it is hopeless. In the grand scheme of things, he needs to take care of this for his own good, to strengthen his own relationship with God. Changes we make solely to please another person are usually short-lived. It is reasonable to communicate to him that while you love him deeply, you cannot wait in the wings forever to be his one and only.
TruthSeeker
|
Fighting for whats right
Member
| Joined: | Sun Mar 11th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 6 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Mar 13th, 2007 07:13 pm |
|
I would never say anything to him in retaliation. We were not arguing... we never argue, he is such a miled manner man and so kind and gentle I dont want to hurt him just make him realized that he has to work on this and he cant keep me dangling. My friend said it made him realize he needed to fix a few things because he went into the living room and told him what i said. It gave him the boost he needed because he called me this morning telling me he doesnt want to lose me so hopefully he will get back on track. I dont want him to fix it for me ... I want him to fix it for him but i know that I am his motivation and the one thing he will lose (that is what everyone keeps telling me and him). We have only been together for 7 months and only batteling this as a couple for 3 months. I am willing to wait for him for awhile longer because he is worth it and he is working hard for this.
This website is wonderful
thank you so much
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 867 |
| Status: |
Online
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 06:44 am |
|
It sounds like there is much about which to be optimistic, praise God!
TruthSeeker
|
TROtoddUBLE
Member
| Joined: | Wed Mar 14th, 2007 |
| Location: | Minnesota USA |
| Posts: | 13 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 06:16 pm |
|
First off, I'm going to apologize, since you two have been corresponding quite well on the subject, AND I've only briefly scanned what you've been discussing, so I may hit on somethings you may have already covered.
My background may help here, I'm a recovering Porn addict, I'm married and have been for 20 years, and God will be using me to help others to recover as soon as I'm willing to let Him. (fear of attacks, fear of loosing what is really important in my life).
First off, you've done well at addressing your fiancee and letting him know it's not OK and that you want him to stop. In my marriage it became the "unspoken" anger, it was never dealt with (until many years later [13]) but it caused many areas of communication breakdown, due to not wanting to tell what was really bothering us. We did a lot of arguing about "really dumb" things, the color of things, times, dates of events that never concerned us, all because I was upset with myself (due to my inability to stop) and her in ability to tell me to stop.
Since you're not married yet, it would probably be hard on you, to leave, because you've given a lot of yourself to this relationship, but it might be the right choice (as hard as that is for me to say, I wouldn't want my wife to leave )
If your strong enough... you may be the one God has put there to help him, out of his addiction that'll take a lot of prayer and discernment on your part.
My wife and I both see marriage as a vow with God and to each other and I've had to count on her to understand (not allow) , to get anger with me, and to help me. She realizes her limitations and this is a battle I have to win, but WE have to fight.
Encourage him to find a legitimate accountability partner, someone you know is affiliated with a porn addiction org. or maybe someone from your church (i say this because the first person other than my wife to know about this was a pastor, during a marriage counselling session) or it can be a friend you know well.
Also filter your computer, there are many out there (safe eyes is very good, probably the best I've seen, but even that has it's problems, change you codes frequently, I'd tell you more on this but there are many that don't know, trust change your pass codes frequently until they[safeeyes] updates.
Let him know that "IN NO WAY IS THIS EXCEPTED BEHAVIOR"
But beware of belittling or trying to hurt him, it'll only draw porn closer.
Let him know you really do love him.
You, need help and support as well... you've found someone on-line to talk with.. EXCELLENT. You may want to find someone (hopefully another Christian Women) to meet with, find a friend that you know and knows your fiancee, but one that can keep a secret and knows the damage it can do to all if it is not respected.
Don't try and do this alone, don't let your fiance do it alone either
I pray God Blesses your Life and this decision.
|
Life sucks
Member
| Joined: | Fri Dec 22nd, 2006 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 18 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 01:28 am |
|
My fiance has been doing everything to maintain our relationship too. Three weeks ago he relapsed by taking a co-workers 22yr old daughter out to the movies and to a restaurant the next day. He didn't do anything sexually with her he said he just wanted the companionship. I told him by him not telling me everything right away he was leaving the door open for intent. He now realizes thats exactly what he did and he crossed boundaries. I've spent the last three weeks making some heavy decisions. I've know this addiction has nothing to do with me. But I've realized the problem of acting out IS a direct assault to me. I get cheated on, I get the STD too, I get the shame and embarrassment of him checking out women over my shoulder, and becoming introverted at work because he's taking out our co-workers daughters and I'm humiliated. We are going through periods of anguish because it's just like he is getting over a drug or alcohol. There are episodes we now call "acting in". I've had to come to terms and realize no matter how much we "love" each other an addiction is an addiction. I'm right in the line of fire when he wants to act out. I've decided I can't base my security on his loins. I need a home that isn't going to be taken away the next time he "relapses" which is common for an addict of any sort. So I'm moving out to a house of my own. We will continue to see each other and he will continue to go to SA and therapy. If he can get better he will and perhaps we'll be able to have a future together. If he's serious about how much he loves me he will do whatever it takes to get better. Just pay attention to what kind of person it's making you, get yourself help because we are sick now too. There were signs we failed to acknowledge find out why and what those were. Go to counseling to help heal your hurts and work through your insecurities. Make sure you have a plan B.
|
Angelaseyes
Member
| Joined: | Tue Mar 20th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 14 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 11:35 pm |
|
| DO NOT MARRY HIM. Thank him for his honesty and thank him for getting help. Love him. But whatever you do, DO NOT MARRY HIM! Check out my listing under my christian husband has a hidden porn addiction by angelaseyes. If you marry this guy you are asking for these troubles. GOD has allowed you to see this before you make a decision like marriage. If you start your marriage off like this you will be so unhappy. I cant even explain to you the pain I am going through with my husbands porn problem. And your husband is admitting to lusting after other women as well.... PLEASE, DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What if children come into your life? Decisions that you make now will affect your entire future. If you want happiness. DONT MARRY A SEX ADDICT! Get out while you can. Pray for him. Love him. Be his friend. Pray for him again. But Do not get married to this guy!
|
Current time is 07:42 pm | |
|
|
|
RSS