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fed*up
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Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 07:06 pm |
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My husband was exposed to pornography as a very young child. He was abused and forced to watch it when he was about 6 years old. Ever since, he as struggled with it. We have been married for 3 years and have worked on it a bit. We've been to counseling where the counselor helped me to be able to forgive my husband and get a fresh start. My husband will go a few months, then screw up again. Just when I feel like I can say I've completely forgiven him, I find disgusting images on our computer. I take late night classes and I guess he just gets bored while I'm gone. What do I do? I've installed blocks on our internet, but he complains about them saying he can't look up necessary things for work and school, so I disable them. I know I shouldn't. I'm SO tired of forgiving and forgiving although I know I should. I'm feeling very run down. I watch my mother-in-law, whose marriage has been destroyed by porn and adultury, and see the hurt that she feels. She sat passively by for 27 years while her husband treated her awful. She knew all along and allowed herself to be a victim. I am so afraid of that! I am a strong person and I never felt I would be a victim of pornography, but now that I am, I am confused. I love my husband so much, but he keeps ripping my healed wounds open. any advice??
I am contemplating separation for a time. Is this a good option? Or am I supposed to, as a good Christian woman, stand by his side and babysit him throught the process of recovery? I have so many mixed emotions. I am afraid to talk to family and/or friends because I'm afraid of the label they might place on my husband. Overall, he is a good man and I don't want to be the reason people judge him. But if we separate, then every one will know. I'm afraid to let people know we have marital problems. I know that is a form of pride, but I just don't know if I'm ready for that. any thoughts? THANKS!
Last edited on Thu Mar 8th, 2007 08:08 pm by fed*up
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 09:22 pm |
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Hi FedUp,
My heart goes out to you, my sister. I have many thoughts and questions, so please forgive any rambling.
You said that the counsellor helped you forgive. What did the counsellor help your H with? Was he a willing participant? Has he had any accountability partners? Has he attended any type of support groups? Does he seem genuinely sorry to have done it, or only sorry he's been caught?
Computers! Argh! Have you tried SafeEyes? It is highly configurable, either logging or blocking sites in categories you select, whichever you prefer. If it is only logging, he can't complain that he can't get the info he actually needs, but will be aware that you can track everywhere he's been, and cannot tamper with it, as the logs are on the SafeEyes server. If he is both working and going to school, boredom should not occur. If it does, he needs to develop a new and constructive hobby, and/or get more involved at church. He does go to church? Other accountability/filtering programs are discussed in the resources forum, and in many other posts.
Is your MIL aware of the situation, or does he desperately not want mom to know? While you should never speak of consequences on which you would not follow through, knowing that there will be X consequence for any future unconfessed fall may be additional incentive. "I understand that this is a difficult struggle for you, but I need for you to come to me quickly after a fall. If I find something on my own, I will have to take it outside our home, to your mom, our pastor, separate,..."
Being fearful of what others will think is natural, but remember that it is not a reflection on you, though some ignorant people, and maybe even your H, may try to make you feel like it is. There is a fine line between being forgiving and supportive, and being an enabler. Remember the pattern of dealing with sin? Go to the person one on one. If they won't listen, take one or two witnesses. If it continues, go to the church. This is adultery, albeit emotional. You do, in my opinion, have the prerogative to separate. You are not responsible for safeguarding his reputation, he is, by living with purity and integrity.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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fed*up
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Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 11:29 pm |
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Thank you Truthseeker,
You bring up some very valid points. I'm not exactly sure if the counselor helped him with anything. We didn't focus on him since, at the time, the offenses were in the past. However, my husband has already set an appointment with him again, and this time, I won't be going. I've realized this isn't a marital problem, it is HIS problem.
Support groups? no, he thought that he could "fix" it alone. Which is very silly to me because my husband counsels juvenile sex offenders and he knows they can't do it alone, so why should my H be able to do it alone? As far as the computer goes, I just don't care. if I'm not home, the blockers will be ON! no questions. That'll just be too bad that he can't do homework or whatever he claims he needs to do.
Yes, we are avid church goers, every week! That's part of what is so frustrating because on the outside, he looks perfect. We look like a golden family. But I start resenting him when people compliment our marriage (his mom does almost everyday!) because I know in my heart that there are some messed up issues. I just caught him again last night and we have talked today. He seems very committed to changing for good this time. I know we need to open the lines of communication more and I need to hold him accountable for his actions. I don't think I could bare to see my marriage fall apart if I didn't feel I had tried my best to make it work. Thanks so much for your reply. Finding this site was amazing for me and I know I need to support that it has to offer!
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tallmike00
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Posted: Fri Mar 9th, 2007 02:44 pm |
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Hello, I hope to be of encouragement if possible. Your husband needs a heart change and he needs to recognize that he needs this. I, as a man with a pornography problem over a long period of time, did put off the behavior for 16 months without the heart change and the sinful habit came back because I wanted it. When confronted this past October by my wife, I started taking the idea of changing more seriously as my personal situation got a whole lot more serious. A major help was being advised to get accoutability partners to whom I would report weekly. It has helped that two of my five partners are ministers of the Gospel. With good counsel from them, I started recognizing my need for a change in my heart, the seat of attitudes, lusts, idolatries, the soil from which sins start as seeds and then sprout, my inner man in Biblical terms. Really beginning to see the depth of ones own depravity and owning up to committing terrible offenses to a Holy God makes much difference. God has brought me along in recovery with the heart change this tiem to His great glory. I knew my need for a clean heart exactly as David had asked God after his sin with Bathsheba.
I have been reading everything I can find which provides insight into habitual sin, addictive personalities, building permanent barriers against getting back into sin again, and have become committed to changing into the Christian Jesus Christ wants me to be. I was like a pharisee, the cup being clean on the outside but the inside was filthy. My family was seen as a family which "had it all together" but no one knew of my repetitive sin until my wife suspected and then confirmed that I was into pornography. What I can say is all the support groups and counselors avail nothing if the heart change doesn't occur. Even as far as counselors, if he is seeing one and senses the counselor isn't helping, he needs to be proactive and motivated to find a counselor who can help him put together a personal recovery plan which will be effective.
There is no "one size fits all" therapy plan. If he is trying to go through a therapy program and doesn't feel it is working, he needs to take the initiative and look for one which will. I experienced this. With the counselor I was seeing, he had a "one size fits all" program which necessitated attending a secular 12-step group, Celebrate Recovery wasn't "good enough". I did, truthfully, become repentant over the sins I had been committing. I found support among Biblical counselors that God's Holy Word is sufficient to provide the answers to any and all problems of living which we Christians will face in our lives. I, seriously, had troubles with the concept of a repentant Christian, with the Holy Spirit providing the enabling power to leave habitual sin behind, as being "powerless". I had troubles with the concept of "once an addict, forever an addict, except that he becomes an addict in recovery" to not be congruent with Biblical teaching. There were members of the church at Corinth who had left behind immorality, drunkenness, and the myriad of other sins, and Paul uses the past tense to say, "such as some of you were". It is possible to be set free, to be granted victory given to us by Jesus Christ's death, burial, and resurrection, and have ones "addiction" permanently in the past. There are alternative programs to the more commonly accepted 12-step programs which do, in fact, keep one an addict permanently. I found one, thanks be to God, at Addicts Victorious. This is a 10 step program and one in which folks having problems with living or addictions, can leave them behind for good. I'm leaving for my weeklong intensive counseling session Sunday afternoon after church. Addicts Victorious is a non-profit entity and the cost for a five day counseling session including the cost of the hotel is amazingly very, very low for what one receives. $800 for the week. I believe this will be money well spent. Depending upon how things go there, I might try to get a support group started at my church and this might be an opportunity for me to minister to others with similar problems.
The main thing for your husband is HE must want to change and not just change behavior in capitulation to demands from without. I know, because I have been there and done that a few years ago. Putting off behavior is superficial. Putting off the dirty heart gets to the root of the matter. All I can say is: May God sustain you as you both go forward and may your husband truly come under conviction to want the change in his heart which will produce the lasting change and abandonment of the habitual sins. Don't stop praying.
You could expect that he discontinue the behavior or that you would separate from him and be willing to follow through on what you have said. Separation might bring him to his senses. Do it if necessary. I could not argue with the idea of my wife and I living separately for awhile. Having it go to divorce rather than reconciliation has been the hard pill to swallow. She doesn't believe I have changed, unfortunately for me.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Mar 9th, 2007 04:13 pm |
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Hi FedUp,
Yes, we are in church up to three times a week, and that was one of the things that blew my mind, too. Unlike some, our pastor does not hesitate to discuss sexual sin, probably several times a year. I think, around the time I found out, that he had gotten to a point that he wanted me to, though, naive as I was, I only saw it retrospectively. He made only one effort, over the phone from work, to deny it, but by the time he got home was completely open and repentent, compounded by the pain he had caused me. We, too, tried to go it alone, with prayer, internet resources, and renewed efforts of communication, and made great strides in many respects, but still ended up revisiting it briefly a year later, at which point I informed him that he would meet with someone, (a pastor from another church,) and that if it ever happened again, it would be our pastor. When the husband is committed and active in recovery, both behavior and heart, as Mike said, and both spouses permit God to do His amazing healing work, a marriage can emerge immensely strengthened. I hope and pray that you will not need to utilize any consequence in the future, but you should have it defined in your own mind, and try to find a way to communicate it, gently but firmly, so he can't say he didn't know and you are being vendictive. Just like children, when we know that there is a given consequence to our actions, we have the ability to make an informed choice about whether the behavior is worth it. Yes, we really want them to stay porn free out of love for us and God, and obedience to His Word, but a tangible prospect of unpleasant aftermath can provide external molding of behavior while God reshapes the heart.
Continuing to pray...
TruthSeeker
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fed*up
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Posted: Fri Mar 9th, 2007 07:33 pm |
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| Thank you tallmike00 for your words of encouragement and advice. It is nice to have a different perspective and I appreciate your reply. I've realized that this is a bigger problem than I thought and that we (my husband and I) need to take quick action that involves more people than just us. I know that my husband can repent fully for his sins, thanks to the atonement of Jesus Christ, and that he can be pure and clean once more. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have of the Gospel of Jesus Christ because it gives me great hope. I know that marriage is ordained of God and that he will help us because he wants so badly for us to succeed. I believe that Satan wants to see marriages fall apart and I plan to fight alongside my husband to ward of Satan's evil. Pornography has entered my home and marriage and has defiled it, but that can all change. I do have faith the Lord will help my husband and our family. Thank you! I wish you the best of luck at Addicts victorious. It sounds like you've found a good program. You should be proud of yourself for taking such difficult steps to change. I am sorry to hear about your wife. You've experienced first hand the damage and pain that can be caused by pornography. It just hurts to have to figure it out that way. My prayers go out for you! Please keep up the hard work! Thanks again!
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fed*up
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Posted: Fri Mar 9th, 2007 07:41 pm |
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Truthseeker,
I really like your advice about setting a tangible consequence for the future actions of my husband. I think that is very important! I completely agree and it is true that next time my husband feels the temptation, he will have the knowledge in the back of his mind that if he does offend, there will be an unpleasant cosequence. I know my husband loves me and my son and that it would be torture for him to lose us. But I am prepared to leave if I have to. My worst fear is waking up 10 years from now and realizing that I have allowed myself to be victimized for so long. I am too strong to stand for anything such as that. However, I do believe in my husband and I know he can change if he is willing to be continually diligent and penitent. What is a good way for me to get involved? besides installing the blocks on our computer, asking him how he is doing, and praying for him, I'm not sure what else I can do. What are some things that you did that you found to be effective? Thank you for responding and supporting me. I feel so blessed to have found this site!
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Mar 9th, 2007 08:28 pm |
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Hi FedUp,
Besides the things you listed, I would affirm your love for him in as many ways as possible, even if you already do that, or feel that you do that,in word and deed, and physically if you can handle that emotionally. You might even tell him, or write in a love note, all the qualities you value in him, the things he is already doing that make you feel loved, etc. Only positives. Both of you should be prepared, though the porn is his own issue, to evaluate the entirety of the marriage in light of Scripture. I learned through the process that I had my own reflecting to do, even though it was not necessarily related to his porn issue. Our marriage is so much stronger for having done so.
TruthSeeker
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mumof7
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 11:48 pm |
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Hi Fed up
How are things going? Have been reading posts after a while 'away' and also noticed it had been a little while since you posted.
Has your husband sought counsel and have you found any practical and godly support / encouragement. Hoping alls well.
mumof7
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In Need To Talk with women in same situa
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Posted: Sun Apr 22nd, 2007 09:01 am |
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Me too!
Thanks for your story just posted mine "In need to talk with women in same situation"
I've already gotten a PO box, check book, visa and looking for a place.
Like you, I do not want to or feel like I can tell, family, friends, church staff - we have 2 teen girls. I realize when I leave, since I'm the step mom-probably won't get to see them again. One daughter, the handicapped one (16) lives with us full-time and she is so close to my heart-the final day is, I know going to kill me-totally!
I have gotten some counseling, not nearly enough-this feels good here! THANK GOD who ever started this site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another on the 30th, 15th & 30th. Again-not enough!!!
Trust was always hard with me - now how will I be able to trust that he's gotten help and really wants to stop his deeds? His job does involve i'net and it can be under all kinds of yahoo or hotmail names + (friend finders ) Found tons of his the last 2 weeks)!
Please pray for me to have strength in the comimg weeks to not again accept his pleas only and I can be a strong person (I do still love him).
Going to church in a few hours-gonna be hard not to blubber I'm sure. That seems to be my nightly release. See he hasn't allowed me being angry, resentful, hurt etc.. it causes him to say. I'm not doing it again, I promise again! God get over it-you're noterfect either.
Sisters in need of hugs! THANKS! Read my situation if time and offwer any suggestions/helpful ideas/solutions!!!!
Linda M "In need to talk with woman in same situation"
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Linda M In need to talk with women in same situation
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Suzi
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Posted: Sun Apr 22nd, 2007 08:15 pm |
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ARGH!!!
He says... "get over it-you're not perfect either"???
No! No! NO!!!! We aren't perfect! That is true... but you don't just "get over it". He is asking you to trust? No way!!! He hasn't re-earned your trust.
Also, you said you don't want to tell anyone. Really, you must. You must tell at least ONE person in real life. YOU need a godly woman to turn to. And especially if your H is a church goer, you need to tell your pastor or one of the other leaders. Ideally, your H should be the one to confess to the pastor. BUT, if he refuses to, then personally I think you should do it. I don't say "tell the church"! But the Galatians 6:1 principle of bringing someone in to plead with an unrepentant sinner is Biblical.
If he is not a believer, then I would at least have him go to a counselor.
One thing that seems to burst the fantasy bubble faster than anything else is exposure! Knowing that somebody else knows and will hold him accountable. THAT is a consequence that may help him see how far he has gone.
Prayers and hugs headed your way!
Suzi
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Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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In Need To Talk with women in same situa
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 05:02 am |
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Suzi,
THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOU WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
He did as a matter of fact tell me he put it in his card at church.. Good idea, my telling should ONLY be a follow up. He supposedly told first!
I will wait till the first of the month and await news as to whether he is still calling, texting, emailing, etc. as more proof that he is or is not doing the right thing.
PLEASE continue the hugs and prayers! Every day is a struggle to take care of the girls, go to work, house stuff, and be nice at all times around the girls. Yes, they've seen red eyes. But I do not want to distress them until I need to talk to them.
Thanks for the kind words that understand how I feel. Still unable to talk to him with out his getting upset and my grilling him.
Thearpy alone would not get me thru the days - thanks again!!!!!!!!!!!!
Linda M In need to talk with women in same situation
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Linda M In need to talk with women in same situation
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In Need To Talk with women in same situa
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 05:19 am |
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tallmike00
Unsure why yor're in here. Hope you see some hurt value perspective.
You like my H will need to understand that I will not and cannot trust him any further than our teenage daughters (15 & 16). They have to do as they are told and be where they say they would be doing exactly what they told us they'd be doing. Period-end of story! So far, my H hasn't bought in and I am just awaiting phsical proof via phone and email bills. He is still calling at least 2 women and texting another and rec'd 3 emails with invites JUST on 4.23.07.
My only choice is to leave if there is more. 97 min call is not a good bye.
You will only begin anew with her if and when you decide to put your entire days agenda out there. Put filters on the email, give her the passwords to everything you own, including work email and work phone. Mine is going to do that next or else. Most of all, be honest with her in front of the accoutability partners etc. you see. I do not know about your wife, it is going to take a miracle for me to believe one single word out of his mouth for a long time about just about anything - I've told him so!
NEXT, unless he wants me to tell the pastor where we just left 5 months ago (it was his and his 1st wife's church) plus this pastor at our new church - plus me leave - he will do what is right. He says he does want to make it right everyday to my face.
Please pray for us/me and I will pray for your forward progress/success with your wife and with the devil in your pocket as well.
Linda M In need to talk with women in same situation
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Linda M In need to talk with women in same situation
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junkyardboy
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 07:21 am |
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linda,
perhaps you can receive some comfort from the following thread.
http://blazinggrace.org/forums/forum21/975.html
peter
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have we been abandoned by God?
http://www.apprising.org/archives/2006/11/dr_john_macarth.html
http://www.valleybible.net/position_papers.php
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In Need To Talk with women in same situa
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Posted: Fri Apr 27th, 2007 05:22 am |
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junkyardboy
Thanks, I needed that!
Linda M
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Linda M In need to talk with women in same situation
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crucified123
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Posted: Fri May 4th, 2007 12:48 pm |
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Contact New Life Ministries - they are the experts in sexual addiction. They will guide you through what must be done. Ask for "Every Man's Battle."
Forgiveness does not mean reconcilation. It is not an event, it's a process. So, stop guiltifying yourself and don't let other guilt you into this. No, you don't have to stay. Read: Every Heart Restored. You need to protect the treasures of your heart and your home. He's not so therefore, you must. I'm not saying to divorce him, although this is certainly permitted by God's Word. I'm am encouraging you to call New Life Ministries to give you a way to help you keep your sanity intact. They are available 23/7. It's not a a hotline in the true sense, but instead they have solid answers to sort it all out and resources to get your husband on the right road.
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Posted: Sat May 5th, 2007 02:56 am |
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Thank you - I sure will. I'm still so hurt and sometimes confused about what I want/need to do. That will be a huge help I'm sure!
I feel I cannot trust him to not my space/google etc. He told yo yes check-but yahoo can't be detailed. His recent past doings I know will not just go away. He got a text msg on his phone last weekend about 3 girls being at a litter box and where was he. I did intercept it and forward it to my phone. He's alone all day doing what ever it is he wants to do and full access to the house/net etc...
I hope and pray for a solid answer to my fears and trust issues. I cannot be hypervilligant like this for much longer. I wake up every time he gets up at night (that's when his women were on the prowl). I wish I could believe him, I was so stupid all those times in the past. Then it would again just get to a higher/nastier level. Not much worse(looking at) one could get-not much more (adultry) he could to me and our family, the girls.
I do know that I will not allow anything else in this marriage-what's left of it anyway. It feels bad most of the time and I feel so lonely that I ache and am still having panic attacks.
Please continue to pray for us/me during this dark/lonely/messed up time!
Linda M In need to talk to women in same situation
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Linda M In need to talk with women in same situation
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crucified123
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Posted: Sat May 5th, 2007 11:57 am |
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I would strongly encourage you to call New Life Ministries. The insanity that you are feeling right now will be partially diffused by clearing your head with them.
I agree with others when they say that you must tell someone else to help yourself. I would go even further to say that you also must figure out who the both of you know that has some influence upon him but also you feel is mature and respect you and will not poo-poo this away.
His greatest weapon is to keep this secret, but it is the marriage and your greatest enemy. Once you bust this wide open, then you can start setting parameters for accountability. Think of it this way, all the arguing that you've done with him - what has or where has it gotten you. It just puts you in the nagging position and nothing has changed. Not you, not him, not the situation - Right. You walk on eggshells, your kids are miserable and you are not getting any of your needs met at all.
The first parameter would be to put a block on the computer and the second would be to have the computer put in the room that everyone uses the most. But please don't do this by yourself. You're just not at that place of strength right now.
Call New Life Ministries and they will walk you through this. Talk with your pastor first by feeling him out first about how he thinks about this. Do not go to a counselor that does not have a whole lot of knowledge about sexual addiction!!! It will only take longer and be more excruciating if you choose someone without an expertise in this area. If your H does not want to go - go for yourself. I know it's not your problem, but it is affecting you and they can help you do the things that are necessary to not only protect you and your children, but also to set the boundaries to hopefully motivate your H into coming into therapy. Your pastor should help out with the nudge as well. Ideally, it's probably best to go first yourself so you can get stabilized and be ready for the battle ahead of you.
I can remember once when I was in the hospital and was sleeping while my H sat in a chair by my side throughout the 72 hour observation that I was there. Sounds so sweet, caring, and loyal, huh. Well, it was one of those times that the nurse had to wake me up to take my stats. I already knew she was there, but as I opened my eyes ever so slowly, I watch my H's eyes become glazed as he looked at her. I turned my head and asked her to please stop what she was doing and to have the Director of Nursing come in so I could talk with her. The nurse that I was talking to started to continue what she was doing and I stopped her very gently and told her that I need her to do what I asked right now, that it wasn't anything that she had done, but that I did want her to stop and to do as I requested. My H is still spinning out over her. Yes, she was an attractive person, but not as attractive as I am.
Anyway, the nurse left and a few moments later the Director of Nursing came in to see what I needed. I turned to my H knowing he would not make a stink in public (he does his nasty stuff with me in private, just as many Dr. Jykll/MrHyde does) and asked his to leave the room while I spoke to the Director. I then informed the Director that my husband was a sexual addict and that I would appreciate that she would make sure that nurses she assigns to me be what would be considered as less eye catching - she did not even blink and eye, but said knowingly, "Not a problem, consider it done."
My H was just as sweet as he was when he left, but also talking about things that had no relevence to anything. In other words, he probably knew what I had done, but didn't know how to bring it up without taking the risk that I would make a public spectable out it just as he does went he goes from one women to another women in front of me.
About 2-3 hours later a new nurse came in, introduced herself to me and so on and so forth. After she left, my H asked me what I had said to the Director. I very calmly told him that I was in the hospital and needed the least amount of stress possible, so when I saw him do what he did with the nurse I felt it was best to talk with the Director rather than to debate the incident with him. I told him that I had told the Director that he was a sexual addict and that I would like to have a new nurse. I told him that the Director had absolutely no problem with this whatsoever and voila' that is why this new nurse was assigned. Initially, he was in shock, but you know I haven't heard one word about this since. Oh, I also told him that if he didn't care enough about my feelings to be so bold to rock out on some chick, then from now if order to keep my peace of mind, I will and would take whatever steps that were necessary in as peaceful of a manner to inform whoever to protect myself and the women he was lusting after in situations like the hospital where I am trying to accomplish something.
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Sat May 5th, 2007 02:55 pm |
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No one really warns you either, that once you decide to no longer keep all the secrets, it can get UGLY - really ugly, really fast.
Be prepared - if you can read, Love must be Tough by James Dobson before you out the information.
Understand all of this is laid in the MIND (the justification, etc) WAY before acting out so it's the first thing to arrive and the last thing to leave.
It may be very difficult, but with God all things are possible.
Hugs.
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crucified123
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Posted: Sat May 5th, 2007 04:01 pm |
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How very true. I remember the day I brought this out and shared with my H all the facts, evidence, and so on. I also had two witnesses. We all shared a great love towards my H. The witnesses were men. The most resounding comment that I remember my husband making to me in private:
"You have no idea what you are asking me to do." His eyes were filled with fear.
I replied, " You have no idea what will happen if you don't.
In the long run, I would much rather deal with the raw truth than to continue to believe when every other women knew differently. It's a difficult thing to stand in front of a group of women teaching God's women and have a person tell you that she's wants to know if we have children, or to have another tell me ask me the question that if my H was flirting and eyeballing other women, would it be consider a form of adultery. It's hurts more to have your downstair neighbor tell you to F off as a result of reaching out to help her on the suggestion of your H, but then find out she and he are being quite friendly with one another behind your back. At least I know what is happening and I don't have guess anymore or wonder if there is something that I did wrong. Except to love him, our marriage, and myself, but most of all stand against evil and unrighteousness. Is it ugly, yes, does it ever get uglier?
By all means in all ways - especially when you are viewed as the monster and the enemy in his eyes, while he tells you he loves you and want to spend the rest of his life with you. The only way to keep things is check I guess is to understand that these words are not what you mean and what ever you mean is not going to be heard - so don't expect him to so you don't get crushed when he doesn't. This sin is so evil and that's why God says to get rid of it and don't even give an appearance of such. The bottom line is as long as your "A" is using he is not going to be emotionally available to you and he is going to make it all about him. You might also remember, you are the one place that he can pour all his pent up anger and venom upon. Everywhere else, he has to behave himself and not make waves. The double life and for him it's your job to make his world look perfect. If you don't then expect that he will attempt to make it hell for you. It's up to you to learn how to dodge this without sinning against him, yourself, another, or God. It is certainly a faith and character builder, if you will. Not a pretty picture and certainly not one you ever walked into your marriage and agreed to do. Perhaps, this is why this is the one instant that God permits us to divorce or to separate form our spouse. Because of the tremendous nightmare that is created due to the hard heartedness of the adulteress heart.
The book by Dr. Dobson is another good book to gain insight and strength. Another book, is more recent and deals specifically with those things that fall under the umbrella of sexual unfaithfulness or addiction or adultery or just plain old rotten to the core sin (whatever way you choose to make it more palatable for you) is: "Every heart restored." It's not one of those book that spends so much time on telling you to just pray and be there for your husband - Lord, help us all - I think we've all done that and even in the heat of our own heart - we still do this, don't we. It's a book that meets you where you are and then confirms and reaffirm you in your heart the suffering that you have experience while giving different options to consider. You know you could just stop by the bookstore and spend about 30 minutes skimming through it to get an idea of what it's about. It really helped me tremendously.
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